Dear Julia:

I reread all your posts on this thread. This is a complex thread so I will organize my current post:

1. The Sexual Element: you wrote that you enjoy sex with him (not as much last time) and that “he very much enjoys having sex with me”. “He  liked the idea of me partying, sleeping with others and I never denied his fantasies (although I didn’t end up sleeping with others)… He asked when was the last time I had sex with someone other than him… He also said he’s not jealous about me hooking up with other men. He said he uses it as a gauge to know if this is ‘right'”-

– my input: it is quite easy to see where this is heading- he wants you to have sex with other men, that would make it right for him. He said so. He liked the idea of it, you sleeping with others. He said so. And so, to make it right for him, you may do just that. And you might tell him about him, feeding his fantasy with details. And maybe, taking it a step further, you may sleep with other men in front of him. Taking it a very small step further, the two of you may engage in group sex, just to make sure it is right for him and it being a part of your experimentation, see if it can be done, if you can do it without feeling jealous and so forth.

(If and when any of that happens, I do not want the details, none whatsoever).

2. The Emotional Element: I can see your motivation to explore the concept of FWB, to learn about it. I believe the primary motivation underneath what I italicized is to gain emotional strength so to prevent the heartbreaks you experienced, including the most recent, the heartbreak following your five year relationship.

Here is what you wrote that supports what I just wrote: “”emotionally I’m not strong whatsoever. I’ll get there. I just need to know how”… “I feel like I’m the one who feels emotionally vulnerable and hurt every time I meet a man and allow myself to fall in love with them, and as a result to be broken hearted… I can’t go through this pain again (May 19)”.

You are motivated to learn how to control your feelings: “I want to work on closing my heart so that I don’t feel love again.. I’m trying to learn not to care”, and you are motivated to find a way to read a man’s mind so to know what he thinks, what he feels, what he wants and what will motivate him to feel and behave this way or that way: “My question is what does he want. And if he ever fell for me or not. Why is he pulling away. Why does he……”

In other words, you want to learn how to control your feelings (to not feel jealous, not to feel hurt) and how to control a man- to figure him out so to be able to .. make him feel what you want him to feel which will lead to him do what you wish and dream that a man will do for you).

anita

Dear Julia:

“he was proud of me to come out and share my feelings like I did”-

– it may be the English/ vs your native language. What do you mean by “proud”, what did you feel when he said he was proud of you; what did it mean to you that he was proud of you?

anita

Dear Julia:

I think I understand. Well, it is nice that he is there for you if you ever want  to talk. I think you do want to talk to him again, so.. he will be there for you. He said he will. But not next weekend when he is with the other woman, I suppose. But then, no one is available all the time, including when in a monogamous relationship.

anita

Dear Julia:

Looking at your listed conclusions, for which you wrote you are very grateful:

1. “I can control my feelings”- everyone can at times, be it instinct (ex., feeling numb instead of fearful in the face of real danger and so, functioning well in the difficult situation), or a result of convenient thinking (ex., thinking- I don’t care what he thinks! And temporarily… not caring), or a result of purposeful action (ex. do a relaxing yoga routine when the purpose is to relax and watch an inspiring movie for the purpose of feeling motivated ). The instinct happens without conscious choice, the convenient thinking is lying to ourselves and the purposeful action is a matter of conscious choice and is taught in quality psychotherapy as “emotional regulation skills”.

2. “It doesn’t matter what he thinks, it’s about me”- that is convenient thinking, that is,  you lying to yourself. I read your six page thread so far and I tell you: you do care what he thinks. Sometimes you don’t care, of course, but often you do.

3. “I don’t have to be emotionally attach(ed) every time I have sex to avoid being hurt”- with the other guy, you weren’t emotionally attached, but with this guy, you already are. Again, at times you don’t care, or don’t feel attached, but that is true to all relationships, our attachment doesn’t stay the same, just like all our feelings, they come and go, appear and disappear, get stronger and weaker over time.

4. “my self worth is not tied to whether someone likes me or if he pursues other women, even if I like this guy”- convenient thinking, that is, you are lying to yourself. We all need to be liked, even by people we don’t like. And we definitely need to be liked by people we like. It is natural.

And you, Julia, cannot change nature, you just can’t do it because you are part of nature. We can use our thinking to alter our reality somewhat, like using technology, but our emotions, these are the same as in all those other animals, particularly social animals, that is, animals that live in social groups.

-the rest of your recent post:

“he will be spending next weekend with the woman, I need to find other things to do so I’m so distracted. Why? Do I worry I will feel jealous?”- yes, you already feel jealous.

“he came back to my place last night ..I offered, he took me up on it), and today he was annoyed with himself (or me?) that he ‘listened to me, instead of himself’ b/c he skipped his running practice as a result of not getting good night sleep. He apologized for being grump”-

– As good as the sex was with you, he was grumpy the next day. How can a man be grumpy the day after sex with an attractive woman like yourself, one may ask. Well, I answer: there is more to life than sex.

“another part of me wonders why do I care if he’s annoyed with me? do I care about his feelings? do I feel for him after all? or is it just friendly feelings?”- you are trying to dissect feelings as if you are standing in front of a microscope and have this or that feeling on a slide under the microscope.

In reality, there is no distance between the observer, the one looking into the microscope, and the one under the microscope, those feelings you observe; the two are the same, the two are one, aka as Julia.

What I see here is not an issue of FWB. I see a woman with a strange relationship with her feelings, the mind (thinking) and the heart (feeling) are two opposites.

What about aiming to join forces, relax and let your feelings be, being at peace with your feelings instead of researching them under a microscope as if these were curious germs that need to be studied and … impossibly eliminate all the feelings you don’t want to feel…?

anita

Dear Julia:

Well, you do know that you have the option to stop communicating with me at any time. Would you like that, to not communicate with me?

anita