Dear Nina Sakura:

I woke up this morning very early with time on my hands. As I read your new thread I went back in history to threads you started in the past (first was 8 months ago) and replies you posted on others’ threads. I do like your replies to others. I found this one that applies to your current thread: “when you feel suspicious, ask yourself these questions –Does P love me?…Has he ever harmed me? Has he ever intentionally hurt me?
Is my relationship with P like that with my parents?”

My goodness, you wrote the last line that I will ask you about. First to your question: Is insecurity normal?” Notice who it is you are asking to tell you if this or that is normal: who has the authority to determine Normal? If normal means common then the answer is definitely: yes, insecurity is very common.

Back to your reply that I quoted, further worded by me: is there a connection between your insecurity with this man and the relationship between your parents?

anita

Hi Nina,

I agree with what the others have said. But i also wanted to add something to the mix. Trust is not something physical. As a result, we sometimes get confused by what trust actually consists of. As Anita stated above through your own words, you gave meaning to your own personal understanding of what trust means to you. People make a bit of a deal with living far distances away from the one you love. But it’s crucial to remember that distance doesn’t stop people from making mistakes or losing trust. I’m not quite sure how one goes about trust (my own personal question to myself currently) all I know is that when you feel comfortable that the other person is actually thinking about your well being, thinking about how you would react in X situation, then i think trust has been born. The main thing is that a bond is made before we can learn to trust one another, not the other way around, IMHO. By the sounds of things, you do trust your BF.

Insecurity is normal in the sense that as humans we are always afraid of losing what we have. Especially when we believe that we may not ever have ‘had’ something to begin with. In your case, it could just be that you feel that you haven’t formed a bond or relationship to the standard that you would of liked before the two of you were separated by space and distance. But this links into what you have mentioned about your previous relationships and that you are projecting your past worries and fears onto your current one. If anything, being away from each other gives you a better perspective on the relationship itself. Of course the relationship can ‘weaken’ in the sense that you are not together, sharing the same space as often as you want. But it can also ‘strengthen’ your relationship and make you truly cherish what you have.

I hope this has helped,
MAtty

Im falling into depression

* Dear Pretty Face: I second B: if you’d like, click FORUMS above, choose RELATIONSHIP as a Category, click it, go down the page to the empty box and type there, that will be your own post.

Dear Nina Sakura:

Please post again with more of your thoughts and emotions about this LTR and responses to the more recent replies to your thread.

anita

Dear Nina:

Well, I think you are as normal as can be and that yes, your insecurity is normal. Your boyfriend is in reality living in danger- so no wonder you are afraid for his safety. You are not imagining the danger in his country, it is real. He lost his parents, isn’t that what you wrote, so yes, the danger is close to him.

And you were cheated on by a previous boyfriend. That happens a whole lot in reality: betrayals of trust. So these dangers: physical, emotional, these are real and common.

So how can you live without fear?

key is to not be overwhelmed by it. I like this line from a poem: “Every one of us has to find a way to live with fear.”

To aim at no longer be afraid forever more is delusion because we are in danger: we will die for one thing, 100%- so there. And then many of us die before old age. And what about automobile accidents, going on the road is danger every day, we have x% of severe injury and/ or death. And so it goes. Danger is real.

All we can do is minimize our statistical chances to get injured and die before old age. Be mindful, pay attention to avoid accidents and injuries, to avoid relationships with people who are abusive, untrustworthy. We can do a whole lot to make our lives as safe as possible.

And then we have to accept the rest with as much peace of mind as you can muster. Violence and dysfunction are widespread and common and we can’t help but be touched by it, if not squashed.

Sounds like your parents were good enough and your current boyfriend is a decent guy. I am glad for you. I think you are doing very well. Post anytime.

anita

Dear Nina Sakura:

This “irrational side” of you that often leaves you wrecked, as you put it, has a rational side to it, as crazy as it may sound: there is something you are not aware of now that you need to be aware of and that irrational side is trying to bring it to your awareness. If you see a real-life baby crying and you don’t know the reason for the crying, you may call it “irrational”- but only because you are not aware of the reason for the crying. The baby could be hungry- and therefore it is rational to cry so to get the mother’s attention and feed the baby.

Or the baby is sick- again, it is rational to get the attention of the mother so to save the baby’s life.

In a similar way, you become a wreck for a reason. Can you tell me more about the origin of “this highly sensitive, emotional wreck side” of yours? When did you first notice this side…? And will you tell me more about your relationship with your parents, as a child, and now?

anita