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Is it a hint?

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  • August 10, 2017 at 5:47 pm #163370
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Connie,

    When he does contact you, is it positive? Does it sound like he misses you and wants to get back together? Even though, it’s every two weeks, maybe he is still “feeling things out” like “will she break up with me again if we do get back together?” maybe he is looking for re-assurance. Maybe something like “I know what I did hurt you, and I have learned from it. I promise to never do this again. Will you consider giving us a chance? What are your thoughts? I don’t think he is playing mind games.

    August 11, 2017 at 6:14 am #163416
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Connie:

    You asked: “Why can’t we just communicate?”- because he chooses not to. It is his choice. He reads your messages and then he is choosing not to respond. He chooses to leave your messages unanswered day after day.

    So far, I understand, he wrote to you every couple of weeks and the last email was about how much he suffers without you in his life. That email was incongruent with a person who chooses day in and day out to not respond to the messages of the person they claim to suffer so much being without.

    The title of your thread is “Is it a hint?”- Life would be much simpler if people stated their thoughts and feelings honestly. Hinting is not honest.

    anita

    August 11, 2017 at 6:03 pm #163554
    Connie
    Participant

    Every time he contacts me, he does express how much he misses me and he suffers from the breakup. However, he never truly lets me know his will to reconcile.

    I have tried everything I can on my end, asking him to give me the final answer, letting him know that I am determined to change and making progress, asking him for reconcile or at least resume our communication. He didn’t give me any of that.

    Maybe my pleading makes him hesitant. Maybe he’s so hurt that he doesn’t think things will ever work out again, but at the meantime he’s not ready to let go everything yet. Regardless how painful the breakup is to him, he still chooses to not return. I think that’s the message he tries to deliver.

     

    August 14, 2017 at 10:29 am #163920
    Amber
    Participant

    Connie:

    It seems like you mention breaking up when you become unsure of the relationship and anxiety maybe kicks in so you think it’s easier to just break up. I used to do that in my past relationship and it was because I was DEEPLY unhappy. I knew I wanted better/more and he just wasn’t that. It took a long time but I finally ended it and couldn’t be happier. I think in this situation he wants to be with you but since you aren’t physically there it’s hard to express it. He may get caught up in his life and the things that are around him and when he’s lonely… he thinks of you and writes you. I wish you the best of luck. I think the no contact thing might be good, he has to win you over and show how much he loves you.

    August 14, 2017 at 9:54 pm #163988
    Connie
    Participant

    Hello Amber,

    What you said is exactly how I feel. My insecurity and anxiety were fueled by the doubt that he wasn’t/he couldn’t give me what I wanted. We had some issues in our relationship and they never seemed resolved. We both tried really hard, however, we were too different and could’t even communicate well. It’s so heartbreaking because I know we still have feelings for each other.

    I am into 10 days of NC and I haven’t heard from him at all. Ever since the day we broke up, I have been trying to change myself for the better, trying to find peace and happiness within. I am trying hard to live my life without him, to start over, but when the reality kicks in, thinking that we are no longer a couple, makes me extremely depressed and sad.

    Honestly, it’s probably better for us to part for now anyways. If our relationship was never at risk, I’d never have the chance to grow myself and evaluate this relationship from distance with a clear head.

    August 15, 2017 at 7:39 am #164022
    Felita
    Participant

    Hi Connie,

    I think I feel related with your ex as how you described it “Maybe he’s so hurt that he doesn’t think things will ever work out again, but at the meantime he’s not ready to let go everything yet. Regardless how painful the breakup is to him, he still chooses to not return.”

    I am also like that. My ex partner asked me to get back together couple times but I could never give the answer. It’s because I have some hesitations. Afraid that we both will get hurt again and at the same time, we still have strong attachment and can’t let go yet. And I think the best solution is to take a step back and cut off contacts for some times. That’s what I’m doing. I mean, if you’re meant for each other, you will be. But if not, maybe it is just it is. That no answer is the answer itself. Let both of you grow to be better person first. That’s what I think. Hope it helps.

    August 15, 2017 at 10:10 am #164064
    Connie
    Participant

    Hi,

    First of all, thank you Felita for your feedback. Yeah NC really helps clear my head and it’s getting easier and easier.

    Its just very funny as my guilt just started kicking in. My best friend and her sister had a conflict today and I happened to be there and witness everything. I felt as if I just saw my ex and me in them and realized how wrong I was with him.

    I have this urge to contact him and apologize but afraid to stir up all feelings again, especially for him. Should I keep on NC and leave it be or should I reach out and apologize?

    August 21, 2017 at 4:30 pm #165016
    Connie
    Participant

    update:

    He didn’t come back and didn’t respond to me either.

    When I was into two weeks of no contact, I couldn’t hold the urge and sent him another email telling him that I really miss him and hope we could get back together. It’s been two months since we broke up and I still love him and want him back. i don’t want to move on.

    August 22, 2017 at 6:54 am #165102
    Mina
    Participant

    Hi Connie,

    You wrote : “I have this urge to contact him and apologize but afraid to stir up all feelings again, especially for him.”

    Apologise for what?

    I was in a very similar situation, I was trying to use any way that I know to contact my ex partner during no contact period and I did contacted him using his birthday as an excuse. I did not regret it, it was a closure for me. and maybe also for my ex partner to know that we wished each other well (you must have read about that thread because you commented back then)

    I think that you are having troubles letting go, there is a quote that helped me get through my break up, it is a quote by a Korean novelist named Tablo, and he wrote this in his book :

    “The thing that you are hanging on to may becomes the things that hang you.”

    I would like to help you but I need to know the reason why you hold on so tightly to this person. I read that he is very unresponsive and does not help you with moving on because he never gave a clear answer regarding getting back together or second chances. His “not a clear answer or no answer” gives you a glimmer of hope. I think your ex partner is very inconsiderate of your feelings and well being by doing this to you.

    Other than the fact that you loved this person very much, is there any reason why you refuse to let go and move on? Are you perhaps afraid that you won’t meet someone better? or are you afraid that you will never get over him in general?

    From your thread, I assume that you told almost everything to him already and did almost everything to win him back too – so do you still feel like it is not enough? I have a friend, she loved someone (it was a one side love) for almost 10 years. She tried everything to make it work, and on Valentine Day – she was going to confess it once for all. The person did not come at all. After that, she cried it all out and smiled. She told me that she felt “free” and she has no regrets because she had tried everything and even though it did not work out, it felt good knowing she tried hardest.

    You are trying your best, Connie. Sometimes it does not work out for some reasons, but in my opinion, you already tried your hardest. You are torturing yourself by not letting him go. It is yourself that you are hurting. I hate to be the one saying this but your ex partner does not care about you and has no intention of getting back together with you.

    If he has such intentions, he will never ignore your pleading via email. He must have known how hard it is for you. He might have loved you in the past but he clearly does not anymore because in my opinion, you do not treat the people that you love like that for any reasons. The least that he can do is to be a mature man and wish you well. You both can move on peacefully and maybe stay friends if he had the nerve of even the conscience to do that. But he does not, correct?

    I would love to hear your feedback.

    -Mina

     

    August 22, 2017 at 10:29 am #165138
    Connie
    Participant

    Hello Mina

    first of all, thank you very much for your time and input. I have been feeling really down and depressed for a while.

    “I would like to help you but I need to know the reason why you hold on so tightly to this person.”
    Honestly, I don’t know why I am holding so tightly. Probably because I am a foreigner in his country. I lived and worked there alone and was really lonely. I do have friends, but they either live far away or are married and busy with their families. I felt “home” around my ex. It made me happy just to think about there’s someone waiting for me at home. We lived together, I cooked and did all chores for him, he helped me take care of lots of things when he felt I was mistreated by other people.  We lived in the house that we painted and organized together, picked up furniture, decorated, etc. To me, home is where he is.

    “Other than the fact that you loved this person very much, is there any reason why you refuse to let go and move on? Are you perhaps afraid that you won’t meet someone better? or are you afraid that you will never get over him in general?”

    I love this man deeply. Though I was very immature and always threatened him to breakup to get his attention whenever he failed to make me happy. I know I was doing wrong and really want to improve myself to become a better person. I never really wanted to break up with him. We both tried very hard and had our ups and downs. It’s just hard to accept that it’s really over, especially we were having the best time of our relationship right we started long distance/right before we broke up.

    The biggest problem we have now is distance. I had to leave to renew my visa and it’s still pending, meaning I don’t even know if I I will go back again. It must have been really unrealistic to ask to reconcile not knowing if we would ever be in the same place again.

    We don’t know what will happen in the future. Maybe I will never go back, maybe I will. No matter what happens, I really hope to get his wishes to move on. Perhaps I have to be the one to wish him well in this case. But I am not ready to say goodbye yet,..

    August 22, 2017 at 11:10 am #165164
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Connie:

    You wrote that you are “not ready to say goodbye yet”, and yet, you live in a different country from him, not even knowing if you will get a visa to re-enter the country where he is at. And following the breakup and for a long time, he did not contact you and did not respond to your efforts to contact him.

    The situation may be such that your choice to not say goodbye keeps you stuck mentally in a relationship that -as wonderful as some aspects of it have been- simply no longer exists.

    Your choice seems to be between accepting reality and rejecting it. When you reject reality, reality does not go away, rejected.

    anita

    August 22, 2017 at 2:28 pm #165186
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi. Connie,

    If you are not ready to say “goodbye” yet, then don’t. No one can make this decision for you, and how deeply you loved this man, and the attachment you had with him. It is very painful and hard, because he is “home” only you will know in your heart, when and if to let go. Feelings change. Emotions change. You may make new memories with someone new, but it will take time. Sometimes, we tend to stay in love a long time after a break, or break-up. Every one is different. Right now the loneliness is keeping you hanging on, but it is okay. There are no “right” or “wrong” feelings. Just take it one day at a time.

    August 23, 2017 at 7:47 am #165262
    Connie
    Participant

    I have a very interesting update here:

    I decided to cut all ties and give myself the closure I had been longing for. I sent him an email asking him if he would be available to meet up when I am back in the end of Aug with a different visa. Surprisingly he responded within 30 mins and said he didn’t think meeting up was a good idea and also asked me not to show up at his place unexpectedly (I used to do that.)

    That was it, after all the begging and pleading, he told me he didn’t want to meet up with me. The message was really clear. I then sent him my final email telling him that I decided to let go to set us free, apologizing for all the pain i have caused, telling him how much i love him and miss him, and wishing him all the happiness and success in the future. I told him it’s painful to let him go but I had to do this for our good.

    He responded to my last email furiously, accusing me of still playing games and saying untruthful things. He said he had told me that he will always be my friend so he couldn’t understand why I was acting emotionally and dramatic. It seemed to me that he’s unable to handle my emotions at all. I honestly don’t have any idea why he was so upset. I now feel he’s the one who’s been indecisive. That was devastating but gave me a whole new look of him. Interesting.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Connie.
    August 23, 2017 at 7:57 am #165270
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Connie:

    I don’t understand his last reaction, being furious over your “final email”- I don’t understand what got him furious.

    You wrote “The message was really clear”, and I thought so too. You proceeded with your final email and it read to me like it would satisfy him. His furious reaction and suggestion that he is eternally your friend, is puzzling to me.

    Was your final email indeed your final email to him?

    anita

    August 26, 2017 at 1:22 am #165710
    Connie
    Participant

    Hello anita

    i don’t understand either. Honestly, this is my only regret that I don’t seem to get his blessings to move on. Though I mentioned breakup many times over the courese of our relationship, I made it really clear that the email was my goodbye to him. He probably doesn’t buy that because I was always crying wolf?

    In the past two months I tried showing him love, sending him positive energy and explaining my determination to reconcile. He didn’t even bother to respond to any of those as if he wanted to string me along. When I finally had the courage to say goodbye and move on, he blamed me for playing games and being untruthful. He kept saying he didn’t know what I wanted from him. Maybe he’s the one who doesn’t know what he truly wants. Maybe he lets his ego overdrives him. Whatever it is, I just know I am so tired from it. I might not be a good girlfriend, but I came with a sincere open heart. I tried my best to love this man and that should be all.

    I just wanted to vent I guess.

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