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Is it me or him?

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  • July 28, 2017 at 7:43 am #160696
    His Shadow
    Participant

    hey, me and my boyfriend are getting married in a year’s time. right now we’re traveling Asia and as the past year and a half, its not going to well, i say its him, he says its me.

    we have a real love story, im from Israel and he’s from England, very different perspective ways, different minds, behavior you name it. we met in israel and i had a feeling something good will happend, and i was right, only for the first 6 months.

    we’ve been through a lot since the borders of the UK kicked me out after i lived with him in England, then he moved to Israel for me and gave up a lot of our lifes to stay together. (sometimes when we fight he reminding me how much HE sacrificed for me)

    but something went wrong, i got to know the angry, inpatient, apathetic, non romantic, denial, not self aware at all and not able to say sorry sort of guy. (he can talk and talk and talk and wont understand when my eyes half shot and i’m tired or talk to someone without letting him speak back when he clearly trying)

    most of the fights are about each other, i always tell him im not trying to change him im trying to FIX him, not for myself of course – for him, since most of the time he cant find the good things about life, he’s too serious! he cant understand other cultures, different people, he cant understand feeling or signs, he’s miserable (sometimes i really think he loves it!), and the most important thing is? most of the time i feel like he’s with me just because he cant be alone!.

    a girl needs her compliments, and i wont get it from him, at all, it becoming as if im the men and he’s the woman, all about him, attention, cuddles, problems, he’s sensitive with me but with others he’s a HERO, he’s taking out allllll of his anger only when we’re alone, i’m his anger punch bag. like my friend said, he’s mentally abusing me.

    he’s not enthusiastic about life, and i’m the opposite! i’m very spiritual, all about intuitions, and deeper feeling to everything. (he hates it) i find myself thinking more about how to help him or how to deal with them or what the right thing to say so he wont get mad, then actually love him.

    he says 90 percent of the problems is me! when to his friends (i saw a message) he says all those romantic things about me and how hard it is to handle someone like him, where is it with me?!

    i dont know how he feels like at all cause he wont open up to me, we’re playing promises to get what we want from each other (mainly its rubbing and cuddling… do we really have to force it?)

    every night of our relationship is him asking for rubs, i never asked him but when i do he makes this noise that he’s first or he worked hard today.

    my point of life now? (cause im literally his shadow) im not happy most of the time but i do love him a lot (but can find cons more them prons), we are having very good time when we’re with friends or at someplace nice, i am getting the hang of how to understand him, (does he trying to do the same? am i trying TOO much??) i talked to loads of my friends and his, mental help as well, i’m at a point where every day he has something to be angry about and he can very easily put it around the room and leave it very tensed and not comfortable, i’m starting to be like him, miserable and not smiling or laughing (together of course) and i’m all lost of hope, ideas, ways to deal with it.

     

    i dont know if i want to end this but i did gave thousands of opportunities, his lack of self awareness is driving me mad, i am excited of getting married to him, but i really want to solve this first! after two years together it doesnt seem right to fight like this when im the only one who talks, he got me so confused about who i am, what i want (and when i do, mostely its him killing my dreams with one sentence!), how we’re going to live together if we’re already in a mess (he thinks we’re fine…) and if i can find better then him (i know its bad to compare but cant you really when a guy is acting like your friend more then your partner and takes you for granted?

     

    i hope this is the place to get answers cause im about to lose myself, and he’s about to get angry if i’ll have another talk   about it

    July 28, 2017 at 9:59 am #160760
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear His Shadow:

    You wrote that you are trying to fix him so that he will be happy. So far you failed. On the other hand, you are “starting to be like him, miserable and not smiling or laughing… lost of hope, ideas, ways to deal with it.”-

    My question to you is, now that you are unhappy, who is going to fix you?

    anita

    July 28, 2017 at 11:46 am #160800
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi His Shadow,

    You can’t “fix” him, or anyone. The only thing you can fix and work on is you, your attitudes and your behaviors. The only person he can change is not you, but himself, but only if he is willing and you willing to do the work needed. Keep us posted.

    July 28, 2017 at 10:42 pm #160856
    His Shadow
    Participant

    Anita, i’m the only one who can fix myself of course, or maybe like everyone say: relationships makes you higher and stronger mind and soul wize, so we both failed together. this is why i’m worried, cause i feel like this relationship is more living then getting “high” from it.

    i want to give this a chance but i dont know how to pup his zit of selfness, unself aware and not romantic life that he has, maybe like Eliana say and absolutely right, the only one that will make a step towards awareness and changes is ourself only, and he’s not willing to so it leads me to, i want it and can accept who he is or i give up and find the guy that will make me grow?

    i’m lost cause we sacrifice so much for each other and our love story is so strong, is there any other hidden answer to this? maybe a time break? maybe to ask one of he’s friends advise and help?

    July 29, 2017 at 5:10 am #160880
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear His Shadow:

    My point in my last post to you is that in your stated efforts to fix him, you are hurting yourself. And to top that, he is not… fixed.

    In your original post you wrote that you “got to know the angry, inpatient, apathetic, non romantic, denial, not self aware at all and not able to say sorry sort of guy. (he can talk and talk and talk and wont understand when my eyes half shot and i’m tired… he cant understand feeling or signs… he’s with me just because he cant be alone!. he’s sensitive with me but with others he’s a HERO… i’m his anger punch bag.”-

    you got to know him, so take advantage of what you know. Isn’t what you know now (the quote above) enough to conclude he is not a good match for a boyfriend or a husband  (“me and my boyfriend are getting married in a year’s time”)?

    If you continue the relationship, this is probably going to be your future: “every day he has something to be angry about… very tensed and not comfortable…. miserable and not smiling or laughing”.

    You wrote: “i am excited of getting married to him, but i really want to solve this first!”

    Regarding “solve this first!”- this is not a problem you can fix. This is a complex human being with a history that you cannot change, a history which formed him, made him who he is. You can’t fix his history, can’t go back to his past (or anyone’s past) and change it.

    Regarding “I am excited of getting married to him”- can you explain what is exciting about getting married to him?

    anita

    July 29, 2017 at 7:43 am #160912
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    His Shadow,

    Just a few questions to ask yourself…Do you really like who you have become? Do you like the effect of your anger has on him? Do you think that by remaining this way will make you or anyone for that matter, happy? Is this behavior going to be a positive contribution to a happy marriage? Do you really want to fix you? Can you? In the event he leaves you because of how he is affected by your behavior, are you willing to accept those results or will your anger continue to grow and carry on to the next relationship? You said, ” i’m starting to be like him, miserable and not smiling or laughing (together of course) and i’m all lost of hope, ideas, ways to deal with it.” Do you understand why this is happening? Shadow if  you want a healthier long lasting relationship with this person, you must answer these questions and answer them truthfully. It has been said that the person we are destined to become is the person we decide to be. This is not just some fancy philosophical saying to  put on a bumpersticker. It is very true.

    Take the time to do some serious soul searching and make the necessary changes-if you choose to do so. You will find a very kind loving person buried deep under all those things that are just trash that needs to be thrown out.

    Pearce

    July 29, 2017 at 10:39 pm #161016
    His Shadow
    Participant

    new revelation!

    we had a long talk yesterday and almost everything i wrote here, almost EVERY work by word, he’s feeling towards me! it was weird, we make each other miserable because he’s moody then i’m moody then he’s moody again, or he’s getting mad and i’m getting mad cause i’ve “learnt” it from him… its a circle, he still said that i’m the problem and i’m not the person he got to meet the first months and maybe it was all pretend.

    the same about him run through my mind once or twice! what does it mean? are we literally the same person and this is why we cant get along? are we just hanging on on those first amazing months that we had but didnt get to know each other properly? cause we did move together after just talking on FB and skype for 6 months. it was a shocking revelation to me.

    he said he think maybe if i’m like that then purpose to me was a mistake.

    anita – i’m excited to get married to him because in some why i cant imagine my life with someone else, i think he’s perfect to me and he was this romantic, caring person (i couldnt until this day found why caused this) i completely felt high and happy, and we had few moments when we laughed and appreciate one another but that mostely happened when we were around people….

    i want to fix him cause from reasonable (to me) thoughts, i dont think someone can handle so much of his anger, and “frozen” behavior…. most of the time he’s not what a woman wants or dream to have in a man… i think its mostly he’s english mentality

     

    pearcehawk – i do believe that i am a changed person now when im with him, but its only to suit myself to him or in a way compromising, i know that without him or when he’ll leave his anger issus behind, my spiritual consciousness will grow and i’ll feel more free and open minded, with or without someone with me, but if so, this someone will push me to do it, or believe in me.

    but then again – he says all those things about me word by word, so i don’t know what to believe anymore, its not a question who’s roght or who’s wrong, its more, where did we go wrong? where this relationship became a mirror and not beautiful steps to greatness?

    i always imagine our future together like a normal funny couple, just without the anger, without the lack of patient he has, without throwing things when he’s madly angry, without us expecting things from one another. but i can imagine it so clearly with him.

    i was looking for someone who’s stronger then me, who’s consciousness is like me or even higher so he can lift me and i’m him. here i feel like im the man, i need to support, i need to enlighten him, i need to cuddle him to sleep, i feel like he’s sensitive and fragile and unfortunately i’m breaking him.

    July 30, 2017 at 5:24 am #161028
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear His Shadow:

    It is a myth, an untruth, that men are stronger than women. Men are as weak and as strong as women, we are all a combination of strengths and weaknesses. It is only a social convention, a social expectation that men are stronger. There are physical differences between boys and girls, men and women, but our brains are the same. Men are not superior to women in any way other than physically (and then, not all, and it is of less value in modern society where physical work is less demanding because of technology).

    A man is just as “sensitive and fragile” as a woman. Unless he pretends otherwise, becomes “macho” or the like so to fit that social convention.

    Regarding your relationship, it clearly reads to me that marriage is not a good idea at this point, not even as a consideration. You simply don’t get along, don’t have “a meeting of the minds”- why get into something that is likely to fail… that is already failing!

    You wrote: “are we literally the same person and this is why we cant get along?” No, you are not the same person. You are similar in that you are both human beings, that is all.

    You wrote that you both make each other miserable. The question of who is causing it, who is the problem (“Is it me or him?”), is something the two of you tried to answer, his answer is that it is you and your answer is that it is him. My answer: it is the two of you.

    You are the problem because you have been trying to fix him, something that is not your job nor is it possible for you. Most importantly: he didn’t ask you to help him change. Would you like it if someone tried to change you without your invitation?

    anita

    July 30, 2017 at 6:11 am #161036
    His Shadow
    Participant

    of course not anita! but i do think FIXING is different then changing, more then i want to fix him for myself i want to fix him for himself, since he seems to me to not loving himself, loads of ego with his friends, anger issues about the tiniest things which makes him feel sorry for himself all the time and think the world is against him.

    it of course affect on me but i really want him to be happy, but most of the time he’s angry or serious about life more then living them and living the moment.

    i cant imagine my life without him, but only when he’s more grown, understanding, not selfish and feeling sorry about himself and KNOW IT ALL.

    July 30, 2017 at 6:34 am #161044
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear His Shadow:

    Even a competent, capable psychotherapist cannot fix a person. I don’t think you can. You can’t change him from broken to fixed (change is still applicable to what you are trying to do).

    Even the most competent, capable, hard working psychotherapist in the world cannot fix your boyfriend unless he wants to be fixed. And then he has to do it himself. No one can do it for him. He can be helped by another, but he has to want it, work for it over a long period of time, and pursue the help that is available for him.

    I suggest you try to fix yourself, His Shadow. Fix yourself from your ineffective and possibly disastrous motivation to… fix him.

    anita

    July 30, 2017 at 6:35 am #161046
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t submit correctly…

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