Dear Katie:

I am glad you followed up on the last reply you posted with your own thread!

I have the answer, so I feel. Here it is: for a child, it is not an option to be alone than to be with the parent- whomever the parent. No young child will say: my parent is a horrible person, I am leaving; better to be alone than with the wrong parent!

It doesn’t happen. Young children don’t do that, older children most often don’t, and adults, like you, still don’t feel that they have the option to leave an inadequate and even abusive romantic object-of-attachment (a substitute parent).

Back to the young child, for him or her: it is never better to be alone than with the wrong parent. Reason: through how many years of evolution, a young mammal is born with the necessity to form the strongest attachment to the parent so to follow it and be protected; to follow it and be fed; to follow the parent and learn how to feed itself, eventually.

You wrote four months ago: “At 32 I have a string of failed relationships and I just wonder if I am capable of having a real and lasting connection with anyone ever. What am I doing so wrong.”

What you didn’t do yet, I say, is feel confident enough to be able to survive without a parent or a romantic object-of-attachment.

* side note: another factor regarding the quote from 4 months ago is forming that strong attachment to a man before evaluating whether it is a good idea, and without being aware to what attracts you to a particular man. I think this stems from not having adequately evaluated your parent/s yet.

It WILL be better for you to be alone than with the wrong person IF you feel confident to be able to survive (physically and emotionally) by yourself.

Gone for a few hours (in case you respond quickly)- will be back.

anita

It is difficult to be alone but better to be authentic.

I say this not just because it’s not right for you but it isn’t fair to the partner in the relationship either that you aren’t really in it 100% and are simply staying out of fear of being alone if you leave.

Yes. Definitely. I clung on to a relationship that was no good for me as the thought of being alone and without him terrified me more than the abuse I suffered. Why? Because whenever I left the rush of emotions were so painful, I needed to go back to him to numb them out again.

When I first me him the high was so incredible. He was charismatic and the chemistry was intense. He hooked me in. But then the darker side of him was revealed. Each time, I wanted the guy I first me back. So I did anything and everything I could to please him and get that high back. I didn’t realise but my love was like an addiction. And the lows got lower, the highs got fewer and further between. My self esteem was crushed. After a low, the outpouring of love and remorse was so great, the high was incredible. When I left him, the opposite was true. The pain was so great and I feared losing the very thing that made me feel good again. I also needed the ‘drug’ of him to numb that pain away again.

I had to go cold turkey. To thaw out and feel those emotions – anger, sadness, loneliness, fear – in order to heal. I then had to look at why I was with a man who was unavailable to me and no good for me in the first place, when most women would have run a mile. Why was my self-worth so low I was attracted a man who treated me as worthless.

Once I really looked at myself, at where my emotional needs weren’t met as a child, I could understand them and work to change it. I took one hour at a time, if I couldn’t take one day at a time. I did something nice for myself each day. And once I found self love I no longer felt the drug like pull back to him. In fact, bad boys steered away from me, as they instinctively knew that I got they weren’t a good enough offer for me. Had I not done this I would have gone back to him, or straight into another dysfunctional relationship.

It is painful as you thaw out and that is why we cling to them. But feel the feelings. Thaw out and heal. It will get better, I promise. You also need time alone to be still. To understand why you went into a relationship not good enough for you. To build your self esteem. Once you are the best person you can be, alone. By that I mean really able to love yourself and not get your worth from a man. Then you’ll be ready for a healthier relationship. If you don’t need it, it will find you. It did for me. I am now with a man who is my best friend, who is there for me, who brings out the best in me and I in him. I couldn’t have found this without going through the process above.