Is it worth it to ask for another chance?

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This topic has 32 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 20, 2020 at 5:12 pm #359108

Anonymous
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Dear Annie:

I am sorry to read you are feeling numb and empty, like you “lost someone who could potentially be better for me”.

But he lied to you, Annie, repeatedly, try to focus on who important it is that the man in your life is honest with you, just as you are honest with him.

Feel free to post here anytime, and share your thoughts and feelings, whatever they are at any time. I will be back to the computer in about 13 hours from now.

anita

June 21, 2020 at 7:33 pm #359200

Annie
Participant

I hung out with my previous ex (Y) today. I felt okay until when I saw something that reminded me of H because it was something he liked. I started feeling a little sad and honestly couldn’t focus on the present because my mind was filled with so much thoughts. I felt bad that I couldn’t be present with Y. There were a few times where Y tried to hold my hand, but we didn’t say or talk anything about relationships. Towards the end of the day, I felt more sad and cried. I know I shouldn’t but somehow I really miss H and he was on my mind most of the time..

June 22, 2020 at 5:59 am #359224

Anonymous
Inactive

Annie

Run, he is a player . Why was he still single on the dating app after two years of looking for love, and then falls in love with you in less then a week but loses interest after you had sex .

A classic (but not classy ) player …..

You deserve better

Tony

June 22, 2020 at 6:24 am #359227

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

“I really miss H”- do you miss him as you read my words, at this time? I wonder how often you miss him and what it is that you miss about him.

anita

June 22, 2020 at 7:42 pm #359266

Annie
Participant

Tony, I agree with what you say and I figured he is a player.

June 22, 2020 at 7:46 pm #359267

Annie
Participant

Anita, he was still in my thoughts when I woke up today. I miss texting him I guess, because we’ve been texting constantly for 3 months everyday and often up until our breakup (we haven’t texted and I haven’t heard from him since)..

June 23, 2020 at 5:09 am #359279

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

You miss texting him because you used to text him constantly for three months, every day- so you miss not only a person (H) but an activity (texting). The way to overcome missing an activity is to resume that activity or taking on another activity to replace it. Think of what activity is healthy for you, or at least not harmful, that can replace texting (ex. exercise, yoga, guided meditation, doing art work).

anita

July 11, 2020 at 10:04 am #361411

Annie
Participant

That’s true. I’ve tried replacing texting him with doing other things, it’s getting better but at times I still feel emptiness and sadness when he comes to mind. I miss more than him, more like missing emotional support or emotional intimacy as I don’t have much friends and the close friends I do have, they’re often busy and we can’t get in touch. I’ve been spending a lot of time by myself but still can’t help feeling depressed from lack of emotional intimacy or closeness with anyone, even with my family.

July 11, 2020 at 10:56 am #361415

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

“I miss more than him, more like missing emotional support or emotional intimacy.. can’t help feeling depressed from lack of emotional intimacy or closeness with anyone, even with family”- being the social animals that we humans are, we naturally get depressed in the absence of emotional intimacy or closeness with anyone.

I want to remind you that what you experienced with H, was occasional closeness of one kind or another, but also disrespect and dishonesty. When we are lonely, we forget the negative parts of a relationship and remember only the positive.

I would like to read more from you regarding the lack of emotional intimacyh and closeness with your family, can you tell me more about that?

anita

July 11, 2020 at 7:15 pm #361449
Annie
Participant
It was also the fact that my ex gave me a lot of attention everyday. I kind of missed that too along with having someone to talk to. I also recently read about lovebombing and felt that was what H did, which makes it so hard for me to move on despite the relationship being so short.

As for my family, growing up my parents and family gave me a lot of attention as I was the only child until when I was 8 years old, when my little sister was born. Since then, I felt like both my parents and family favored my sister and showered her with more attention and love than on me. My dad was never one to show or express much emotions nor talked much with me, so I always felt emotionally distant with him despite that I know he cares for me. I just don’t feel any emotional connection. Maybe I do feel a little bit with my mom, but we have our fights and disagreements and then my mom would say hurtful things to me at the heat of the moment, which hurts me a lot. I don’t think she realizes it or mean to do it but it just happens.

With my sister, I’ve always envied that everyone favors her more that I sometimes have bad thoughts which I feel guilty and terrible for having. Because of it, I don’t feel close to my sister emotionally despite that we’ve been sharing the same bedroom. Though when I do try to work in being close with her such as suggesting we do things together like watching a video or show, etc, she doesn’t want to and I feel so rejected and hurt because she would spend that time playing games with her online friends or doing things with her school friends. I end up developing more bitter feelings towards her sometimes. We do sometimes get along though but it’s a brief moment. I just envy that my mom and sister’s relationship are so close. I feel I won’t ever have that closeness and it’s killing me.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Annie.
July 12, 2020 at 8:19 am #361477

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

You shared that your family gave you a lot of attention for as long as you were the only child. But when you were 8 and your sister was born, both parents and family favored her over you, and “showered her with more attention and love” than they did for you. You envy her and “sometimes have bad thoughts which I feel guilty and terrible for having”. The two of you are not close even though you share the same bedroom. When you tried to get closer to her, she preferred playing games with her online friends over spending time with you.

You sometimes fight with your mother and she “would say hurtful things to me at the heat of the moment, which hurts me a lot”. The relationship between your mother and sister is “so close”. You wrote: “I feel I won’t ever have that closeness and it’s killing me”.

My thoughts today: the envy you feel for your sister is understandable. That you have at times “bad thoughts” is also understandable. When we are angry, we naturally want to hurt the person we are angry at, so we think about how we could possibly hurt them. These kinds of thoughts aren’t bad, because thoughts in themselves aren’t good or bad. It is our behavior that has a good or bad value to it. Your feelings too, they are not good or bad.

I am so sorry that you are so alone and lonely in the context of your family: and emotionally removed father, a mother who sometimes tells you hurtful things, and a sister who is not interested in your company.

* Eight years different between two siblings is too much of an age gap to expect a sibling friendship, by the way.

When your mother says hurtful things to you, what does she say? (You are welcome to not answer this question, or any question that I ask, if you don’t want to).

And, about how old are you?

anita

July 12, 2020 at 2:45 pm #361490

Annie
Participant

Hi anita, thank you for your reply. I don’t expect a sibling friendship with my sister, but it just feels like we’re just strangers in the same room. Also because it’s quarantine, we are stuck in the same room 24/7 since there’s not really much places to go outside (and I don’t have a car atm). Sometimes I just want to talk to her but most times she’s just glued to her laptop screen or always on electronics. When I do talk to her, sometimes she gets impatient because she always wants to listen to music or always too focused on her gaming with her online friends, etc. I get frustrated about that about her.

All my cousins and friends around me or people that I know all have a close relationship with their siblings so I just wanted something like that too. But knowing how my sister’s personality is I don’t think that’s even possible nor care about it. I just envy that others have such closeness with their siblings that they do stuff together or share things or would want to spend time with one another. I don’t bother with suggesting we do stuff together anymore since it seems like a burden to her when I used to ask her for bonding time.

My mom would say things like bringing up about the past about how I should’ve done certain things when I was younger (for example, that I should’ve gotten a job at an earlier age or that I should’ve learned to drive when I was younger, etc.) which makes me feel bad about myself because I know I should’ve done those things earlier, but we can’t go back in time we can only move forward and do things now. It’s something I feel really insecure about because I know I should’ve done those things earlier but people around me are disappointed that I haven’t accomplished what is expected of me for people my age. I do feel ashamed at myself for it or even when I meet people because I know they secretly think that too. I’m 28.

July 12, 2020 at 6:00 pm #361503

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Annie:

You are 28 and your sister is 20, it is a huge age gap at this stage of life, and it has been a huge gap between you and her all along. My sister is six years younger than me and it has been a huge age gap from the beginning. My sister and I are not close still. It doesn’t read like there is much of a chance of bonding between you and her, unless she loses all her electronic devices, no internet, no phone.. then, maybe.

I understand it being tough when you are stuck with a stranger 24/7. I wish you had someone with whom you had a meeting of the minds and hearts.

I wish your mother didn’t push your regret buttons, she shouldn’t, really. Regret is very painful, so she is causing you pain when she encourages you to regret what you did or didn’t do in the past. Like you said, you can’t go back in time, so what’s the use of regretting.

Post here anytime, Annie, anytime you want to express your thoughts and feelings. You can use your thread as a journal, just type away whatever comes to you, and for as long as you want me to, I will read and reply to you every time you post.

anita

July 12, 2020 at 11:12 pm #361520

Noor
Participant

Hi Annie,

I read all your posts and I empathize with you.

One thing I wanted to mention was in regards to building a relationship with your sister. My sister and I are nine years apart, and we have completely different personalities. She is also into gaming, being on her phone, the new trend of TikTok videos, and just wanting to be with her friends. Growing up I always wanted a friendship with my sister but I realized the age gap was significant so it was only natural for us to not have that kind of friendship which sisters that are two or three years apart may have but I still wanted us to have a good, and strong relationship. I will share some of the few things that really helped me build a strong bond with her. However, I understand that people are different so not all things work with everyone, but I will still share in the hopes of something good coming out of it. My sister is a teenager and I am in my twenties.

1) Recognizing that my sister is in a different timeline in life than me and probably has her own stress/troubles etc, I try to bring up conversations that allow her to also open up to me while I can share some of the things in my life. I try to get her to understand how important it is for us to have a good bond because we always need that emotional connectivity, and reliability with someone in our family to feel supported. I always discuss the importance of these things with her and gradually she does understand. I start conversations by asking about her and eventually we have longer conversations. Since I am much older than her I have felt that it is my responsibility to maybe take the lead in strengthening our communication. (This is also because growing up my parents have constantly reminded me to take the lead as the older sibling, it was frustrating at first but I try to view it from a practical lens of age difference)

2) Don’t be afraid to open up to your sister. I have lately been going through a difficult time and again, keeping in mind the age gap I know my sister cannot understand my situation completely but I let her know that I am sad, I am feeling frustrated, I am hurt, or whatever it may be, by doing this she even sees that I also have my bad days and when she has her bad days then she can vent to me.

3) I try to do things she likes for some time such as making TikTok videos (as annoying as they are for me) but for her, they are fun so we spend time doing that and then I will take her on a long drive where we can vent, blast music, and just be ourselves. It was difficult at first but eventually when I started to be more involved in her life then she took initiative as well and we became closer.

Overall after reading all of your posts Annie, I hope you feel better soon. Lately, I have been going through feelings of “numbness, and emptiness” as well stemming from a breakup, and although it is very difficult, just remember it is one step closer to finding a relationship you truly deserve.

July 13, 2020 at 12:44 am #361522

Annie
Participant

Anita – My sister actually turned 19 this year. But you’re probably right that it might not be possible to have that kind of emotional bonding/closeness with her as much as I hoped for.

“I wish you had someone with whom you had a meeting of the minds and hearts.” I guess that’s why I try to search for that closeness/emotional bonding in a significant other in replacement of ones I’m lacking from family and friends. But I feel it always backfires because I confide too much to them and in the end they would say harsh things or we end up arguing/fighting about it. Thus it makes me feel like it’s not safe to talk about my feelings or thoughts without being judged or used against me when conflict arises. I do journal about it but I guess it still doesn’t replace the feeling of not having someone to empathize with me, like a best friend you know?

It’s also hard for me to make friends growing up because I’m painfully awkward socially and I do get social anxiety. When I do make friends, it’s hard for me to keep them because we eventually drift apart somehow whether it’s online or in real life.

Yes exactly. To be honest, I was really hoping and looking forward to learning driving this year, but that would have to be postponed until later because of quarantine. It made me feel more regret and guilt that I really should’ve done it sooner because now it feels like such a huge setback that I don’t feel like I can accomplish anything due to it. On top of that, my work situation is currently unstable at the moment and I’m really worried about it or whether I’ll be rehired. I really don’t want to lose this job. It’s the first job where I worked from the bottom way up that actually gave me confidence and made me felt proud of myself, that I can do anything. I had hopes on working there for many more years.. It was the place that gave me a chance despite that I didn’t have much work experience. Before that, I was really depressed and felt horrible about myself because I’ve tried countless times applying to retail jobs and others, which I always got denied because I lacked the skills or have no experience. I’m just scared that I’d have to face that again. Interviews always terrified me because of my social anxiety and I don’t feel good enough because there are always someone who’ll be chosen because they are better.

Thank you anita. I really do appreciate that you’re taking the time to listen/read and reply to my posts always. <3
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