Home→Forums→Relationships→is my coworker in love with another coworker?
- This topic has 33 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 10 months, 4 weeks ago by
Caroline.
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October 3, 2023 at 10:54 am #422684
Caroline
Participantno, no, no, not evil, not even close.
Okay. 🙂
From what you shared, particularly the sleepover suggestion on her part, doesn’t leave much space for you being wrong about her being infatuated with him.
I wanted to ask your opinion Anita and I know you DO NOT know this, as well as I do not know this. I might assume more because I talk to her etc but she is the only one who knows but… Do you think there’s a change she is not in love with him? That I am wrong? I talked to my gf about it and she says she is in love big time. No way she’s not. But she only assumes it from the story I told her so it’s hard to say..
And.. you are NOT evil. You are a good person, Caroline, I am sure of it
Thanks Anita, that’s very nice
October 3, 2023 at 10:55 am #422685Caroline
Participant*a chance, sorry. not change
October 3, 2023 at 11:18 am #422686anita
ParticipantDear Caroline:
“Do you think there’s a chance she is not in love with him? That I am wrong? I talked to my gf about it and she says she is in love big time. No way she’s not. But she only assumes it from the story I told her so it’s hard to say..”-
– this sounds like your problem with self-doubt and not trusting your feelings: self doubt in the title of your previous thread and in the first sentence of it: “I know about it for a while: my self doubt, making decisions and then doubting myself” (Sept 7, 2023). You mentioned distrusting your feelings in a previous thread: “ I have those feelings but I do not trust them I guess, not enough to act” (Sept 29, 2022).
Having communicated with you long enough, over a variety of topics, and learning about how you think/ process information, and then reading and re-reading what you shared here about this coworker, I think that your thinking is correct: that she really is infatuated/ in-love with your male coworker.
anita
October 3, 2023 at 11:24 am #422687Caroline
ParticipantHah.. Anita, you’re really…. !! I am impressed with your analyze skills. I am laughing right now but laughing at myself. That I don’t trust my own feelings!
which are rarely wrong. 🙁
I will remind myself every day to trust my own feelings.
You’re right. I think.. I think she is in love. And I think I need to know this because it involves me, involves me a lot.
And thank you, that’s very refreshing and motivating to know..that you trust me to trust my feelings.
October 3, 2023 at 11:35 am #422688anita
ParticipantDear Caroline:
Thank you for bringing the first smile of the day to my face!
“And thank you, that’s very refreshing and motivating to know.. that you trust me to trust my feelings.”- You are welcome.
Yes, I trust your feelings. My trust is not blind, it’s a result of spending a lot of time reading your posts and communicating with you over time, on a variety of topics.
anita
October 6, 2023 at 11:44 pm #422847Caroline
ParticipantHey Anita. I asked her and she denied. When I asked about her moods and silent treatment she gave him (and not me although I did the same things as him – meaning ignoring her request or something) couple of times, she said he was just annoying coz “he’s a guy”. And that I am not annoying and she likes me. Reads to me she would give silent treatment to him because SHE LIKES HIM. And she obviously is not interested in me romantically so she doesn’t care to be moody around me. Isn’t this how it normally works?
I did not want to be nosy or to interrogate her/make her feel uncomfortable so I dropped this topic. But it doesn’t add up. Next week we are meeting, all three of us but I am assuming there will be two of us again. He already told me things are different between them, “more cold than it used to be” so not sure if he’s gonna make it. He obviously feels she is cold and that they lost a connection. She used to be fun and now she is just moody and not very nice to him.
Part of me does not want to overdo it and to not be nosy but part of me wants… honesty I guess. As I am kind of involved in this already. But I guess I should just drop it.
October 6, 2023 at 11:44 pm #422848Caroline
ParticipantYes, I trust your feelings. My trust is not blind, it’s a result of spending a lot of time reading your posts and communicating with you over time, on a variety of topics
Thank you Anita. That’s very nice
October 7, 2023 at 12:10 am #422849Caroline
ParticipantIt’s all so weird because I don’t want to be in the middle of this and don’t want to push too hard.. but also I have this feeling that I am the spare friend. And I don’t want to sound jealous or something, because I really don’t mind it if she likes me less. I did not ask for all this.
The thing is I would prefer to our friendship or whatever to be just how it is, not pretending we like each other more than we actually do.. And I think she pretends.. because she comes here, we spend time together but I know she wouldn’t come her for me, I am sure of it.
I think she wants me to believe she likes me way more than she actually does. But her actions show that she cares about him.
And I trust my feeling because I know it’s right. I don’t feel this connection between me and her to be that strong. I hope it’s not confusing, what I am trying to say.
October 7, 2023 at 12:03 pm #422853anita
ParticipantDear Caroline:
I will be able to read and reply to your recent post, and any that you may add to it, in two days from now (it is now Sat, 12:03 pm here)
anita
October 9, 2023 at 9:56 am #422884anita
ParticipantDear Caroline:
“I have this feeling that I am the spare friend… I would prefer to our friendship or whatever to be just how it is, not pretending we like each other more than we actually do.. And I think she pretends… I know she wouldn’t come her for me, I am sure of it…. I don’t feel this connection between me and her to be that strong. I hope it’s not confusing, what I am trying to say”-
-it’s not confusing to me: you don’t want to be used as a means for an end, the end being meeting him and spending time with him, and you don’t want to be lied to, as part of being used. By lying I am referring to her pretending that she wants to meet you and spend time with you because of a strong connection she allegedly has with you.
In the overall picture of life, her using you this way and the pretending that goes along with it is not one of the worst crimes people commit against others, but it’s still wrong and hurtful to be used and lied to. So, if I was you, I will no longer allow her to use you.
“I asked her and she denied. When I asked about her moods and silent treatment she gave him… she said he was just annoying coz ‘he’s a guy’. And that I am not annoying and she likes me. Reads to me… SHE LIKES HIM…”-
– I agree. Her answer (“he is just annoying coz ‘he’s a guy‘”) reads like an answer an infatuated school girl would give when caught off guard with a question such as the one you asked her.
anita
October 9, 2023 at 11:24 am #422888Caroline
Participantyou don’t want to be used as a means for an end, the end being meeting him and spending time with him, and you don’t want to be lied to, as part of being used.
that’s exactly how it looks to me and how I feel about it. I spent a lot of time with them both and I felt it.. it wasn’t the flirting, they were not that obvious but there was something, you know what I mean? Sometimes you just feel… there is something going on. And he was kind of.. mesmerized with her too. He even told me one time he was idolizing her, just like that. It was something he felt and knew and he said it like it was obvious, nothing new, for him. He liked her, he liked the attention and now he probably…got wiser. Because his wife was pregnant, so..come on.
And.. see? I’ve been talking about this like it is my business. I don’t like that, this whole fact that I am involved in this.
pretending that she wants to meet you and spend time with you because of a strong connection she allegedly has with you.
Exactly. she tells me this a lot, but I don’t feel it. I would describe it as we are coworkers or coworkers besties and that’s all. It’s a lot, I like her, yes, but it.. has its limitations.
it is not one of the worst crimes people commit against others, but it’s still wrong and hurtful to be used and lied to. So, if I was you, I will no longer allow her to use you.
I agree, it’s not the worst, knowing that we like each other. As I said, we do, but we would like meet once or twice a year, That’s how I see it. I even suspect.. I don’t want to overdo it, maybe it was not on purpose, but now it looks otherwise.. she once came here for the whole weekend, to go for a concert. She arrived on Saturday and the concert was Saturday night, and she stayed till Sunday. She told us she was coming.. and none of us proposed a meeting. I could not meet and he, obviously couldn’t either. None of us said anything. But we all agreed to meet Sunday morning for a breakfast. The concert was.. not even particular band. It was music from various bands, like something.. nothing special and nothing particular. Some famous rock songs sang by different people. I believe it is not something you would drive for hours and stay for the whole weekend and spend money on. But I am not sure, right? I will never know. I am a bit angry for all this. (But it’s okay, it will pass, as you said it is not the worst crime.)
Her answer (“he is just annoying coz ‘he’s a guy‘”) reads like an answer an infatuated school girl would give when caught off guard with a question such as the one you asked her.
Yeah. So now I know. Also when I asked her she took loooooonnnggg to answer. I saw she was texting (you can see that in messenger) and it took long long time. And she answered something basic eventually and at the end she asked: is this what you were asking or … ?
So weird and shady and.. I don’t know. I think I have the right to be angry here.
So let’s see how this develops. I think she knows that I know. Even if she denied, she knows.. I asked this directly (good idea) so she is aware. We are planning to meet Saturday so I am hoping to get this resolved.
October 9, 2023 at 12:06 pm #422890anita
ParticipantDear Caroline:
“there is something going on. And he was kind of.. mesmerized with her too…“- there was something going on between them, yes, something touching on the romantic, maybe more.
“I believe it (the concert) is not something you would drive for hours and stay for the whole weekend and spend money on. But I am not sure, right? I will never know“- if in her mind and heart, you were the good friend she tells you that you are, someone she felt close with.. you would have known because she would have told you.
Most recently, you asked her.. and she denied. She chose to not tell you: “when I asked her she took loooooonnnggg to answer… And she answered something basic… she denied“.
“I think I have the right to be angry here… We are planning to meet Saturday so I am hoping to get this resolved“- If you’d be worried about this for the next five days before you meet her, I wish you could resolve this before Saturday. Maybe by sending her an email, if you communicate by email. Otherwise, Sat comes, and I imagine that she’ll deny again that her interest is in seeing him and that she’s been using you as a means to that end.
anita
October 9, 2023 at 12:56 pm #422892Caroline
ParticipantI don’t know what else to do. We text, not much but sometimes a lot. I am getting suspicious whether all this is real. I know I may overreact and IT IS real, to an extend of course. As I said, us being coworkers that like each other. But when we text a lot some days I get this weird feeling that I am being used and she’s not honest.
What else can I do. I asked directly, it was a good idea, she should have answered. End of story. But she lied. Maybe I should just.. chill a bit. I mean chill when it comes to communicating with her. Distance a bit.
Maybe by sending her an email, if you communicate by email. Otherwise, Sat comes, and I imagine that she’ll deny again that her interest is in seeing him and that she’s been using you as a means to that end.
I asked her again, now in texts. She joked something about being jealous of him.. And I asked what what do you mean, jealous of who, what? And she just replied jokingly about him and saying again that No, she does not like him.
so there’s that. I think the story will continue until.. I don’t know when.
October 9, 2023 at 1:40 pm #422898anita
ParticipantDear Caroline:
I think that there are two issues/ problems here: (1) the nature of the relationship with your female coworker and (2) obsessing about it. These two different issues require different sets of management/ solutions. I wish you attend to the second issue in the next few days and “chill a bit” just like you wrote 40 minutes ago. Redirect your attention elsewhere: a mindfulness meditation online, physical exercise, a hot bath.. a movie..?
anita
October 10, 2023 at 10:50 am #422931Caroline
ParticipantHey Anita. I don’t think I am obsessing. It may seem like it since it’s all I am writing about here and I was quite annoyed with it several times. But it’s more chill than it seems. Still I need to leave this topic for now and just see how it goes. I don’t think I should ask her about this more. The less involved I am in this the better. I think it’s the solution. To take a step back.
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