We ended up planning a meeting for the day after Xmas (December 2019). At some point, I started to feel that I wanted to talk with him a bit more often. The conversation went very well the first time I brought it up, but I soon noticed that nothing had really changed. I admit that I was growing frustrated and wanted to get a bit closer to him emotionally. He was a busy guy and had long days at school. I brought up the issue a handful of times over a two month period and this when we began to fight. He would become defensive when I brought it up and would say things like “I have a life” and basically said that things would not work out if it continued to be an issue. I expressed how I did not want to feel bullied into silence on the issue and he seemed to understand.

You seemed to get upset when he could not talk to you more often than you both had been talking for the past 3 years, but that bolded part is very important. It was you who wanted to make the change, but it sounds like he was unable to keep up with it and that that change wasn’t going to work for him because of his busy schedule. When you would bring up this issue to him, what type of tone would you take when you’d tell him?  Concern or criticism? Did he tell you he would talk more often or did he try to explain that he couldn’t because he was too busy for more?

On one hand, yes, I was emotionally reactive. On the other hand, he did dismiss my feelings instead of trying to understand me.

What was it that he said that made you feel that he was dismissive the first time or two that you talked to him about it? What did you need from him to not feel that way?  Would it have been acceptable for him to just tell you he was too busy to add more conversation time or did you need him to talk to you more in order for you to not feel dismissed? I feel like that distinction is important here.

I do think just blocking you was extremely immature. At the very least, he should’ve told you that he wasn’t happy and didn’t think things were going to work before just cutting you off like that. Had he said anything like that to you before he blocked you?

Hi there Cam, I decided to respond to your note because this situation feels very similar to one I am dealing with right now. But mine is friendship, and I have been cast in the role of the man in your story by my friend. I thought my perspective and experience might help you, and I send it to you with that intention.  I have a friend who I absolutely love.  But truthfully, we are very different sorts of people socially, economically, professionally. No matter, I always appreciated this about our friendship. We laugh a lot, are supportive of one another, teach each other a lot, and get each other’s jokes. Over the past few years, we hang out more and visit a lot more than we had in the past. Like you with this man, I feel like we click. It’s fun to see her. But my life is also very large and rich. I have worked hard at constructing it. I am building a new business; I am a consultant. I am a graduate student x2 in two programs; I have strong relationships that I have made commitments to and causes that fill me up. I am committed to my health. I am very busy in my life, and not in need of rescue from it – and very grateful for all of it. Long road, slow learner. I give all that I can. But in the last six months or so, my friend is frustrated that I am not available to do more with her. Her comments about it feel like little barbs sometimes. She uses words as you did: bullied, made to feel illogical, desperate, stopped responding to texts, messages, canceled or just let drop a planned get together, dismissed instead of trying to understand, gave up, cut out, cold, 180 degrees, (s)he’s very busy, blocked. The first few times, I felt side-swiped. Her feelings made complete sense to her. To me, not so much.

The exchanges between my friend and me shifted with her increasing expectations of how she had decided I should feel about her feelings and how she thought I should behave. That doesn’t even make sense… my sentence…but neither does the feeling I am trying to convey. I feel claustrophobic and dread when I think of even spending 10 minutes with my friend now, and anger sometimes at her trying to force me into the role of her latest bully. I avoid her. I feel cautious of my friend trying to make me feel something for her feelings of being dismissed or hurt by me or others. I do the best I can, too, and am weary talking about talking. So, I backed off. Backing away is something he gets to do also. I have done it because the story in my friend’s mind hurts me, and doesn’t come close to resembling the story that I see all around me. I love my friend, and nothing can change that. But I am responsible for caring for myself too. I am caring for myself by breaking contact because none of my other attempts have been noticed or honored.

I say this with compassion: these issues she has with me, are her issues, and I believe have more to do with the size or state of her life, than the state of our friendship.  I have more in my life. She has less. I see her as making this choice. I have real obligations – and these obligations are my purpose. Yes, I am busy. And I love it, and I choose it. I do not want to have less time for the life I live so I can have more time for her. But I loved sharing my life with her in the ways that I could.

I feel like she ignores the cues I send her, which I have done gently to support her fragile esteem. But I realized that it is more unkind than being direct and holding a boundary once I set it.  So I have responded to my friend almost identically to this man’s response to you. I think he has tried to be kind to you. He has rebuffed you – gently and now firmly. He has tried to explain, without creating a confrontation. He has backed away to spare the memory of a good friendship that might have life left in it yet. Or at least this is me feeling a rapport with the character he plays in your story. I truly wish you well. I can see that this hurts.