Anita,

I just told him all this, maybe I forgot some details but I think it went well.

It felt scary but also relieving and empowering. I feel like it set me free a little bit. Thank you again for helping me. I was planning to talk to him next week but after reading your message today I decided to do it right away, to not be scared. Although I was scared, but after I read that you wrote it was not that bad, it gave me courage and I thank you for that.

I think he understood, he was very quiet about it, though, so not sure what the outcome will be in the future and how he will act at work, etc. May be difficult. So it’s “to be continued” for sure. But it had to be done and I am really glad I did it.

Today at the bakery some lady stepped up before me in a queue, although I was there first. I was standing in silence (like I would always do) but then I told her Sorry I was here first. And I started saying my order. I know it may seem silly but it is really difficult for me, to stand up for myself. I almost never do. Or should I say I really really never do. 🙁 When something like this happens I do not have normal pulse or no stress, as they say, to be able to scan the environment and plan better. No, I start to have panic attack and start being angry but I just stand there, do nothing and walk away.. Not sure if this is the typical freeze response.

Do you have any helpful websites or youtube videos about freeze response? I really would like to read more how to overcome it.

Anita,

Thank you for being excited for me. And for reminding me that there is a possibility he might not respect my boundaries in the future after all. I though about it and I know it is possible that he will ridicule me saying for example “Can I talk for 15 seconds more or are you bored already?” I know it did not happen yet, but I have a strange feeling, knowing his being passive aggressive in the past, that probably it will be his response in a long run. I am trying to prepare for it. He can surprise me with something worse, though.

I read the article on the blog, thank you for sharing, I also found some other websites and trying to find out more. I started experimenting with tapping method.

I will be trying to be more brave with standing up for myself. Feels scary but also liberating.

It has been overwhelmed at work lately. Since I thought my coworkers may think I am dishonest, I get anxiety every day and feel like a fraud. Today I had the opportunity to briefly explain we are not friends anymore. One of the coworker said something about us 3 (Me, the guy who works here and a girl ) changing department (work is good here but we are not entirely happy about it so sometimes we talk about opportunities to move) and he said that it will be the most difficult for me because my friend will go crazy when he hears I want to leave (last year one girl decided to leave and he acted very rude, did not congratulate her in front of management, said he is not happy, nothing to be happy about – generally he acted really bad. It happened twice – also with the other girl earlier in 2021. He was friends with her but they do not speak anymore because of it. He also repeatedly “threatened me” that I cannot leave either. I say this in ” ” because he says it like a joke but … it is not). So I replied to them that my relationship with him is not friendly anymore and I do not think he would act this way if I leave and that I told him already I will probably change jobs in 2022. I know I should say more but I got nervous.

I still feel dishonest and do not like myself lately. Practicing long walks as well, sometimes it helps.

Anita,

you asked “what something worse can it be?” regarding his behavior after I stated my boundaries to him. I think something more less what I wrote as an example but he can say it in front of other people. In work meeting etc.  I think I will respond logically saying this is work and he needs to tell me or explain something to me. Not sure what else can it be but I noticed he has been pretty aggressive and rude to people at work. I guess I need to learn to not freeze and to just respond right away. It will be difficult but I have to.

We also have a meeting to know each other better, I think it will be a restaurant or something. I do not have a good feeling about this, but who knows. Maybe he will be respectful.

“what did you say or do that is dishonest? What is it that you don’t like about yourself lately?” – I do not think it is something I did, It is the feeling that they think we are friends. I also explained today to one of the girls that we used to be friends and we grew apart, as she was saying things like “you should not let work ruin your friendship with him, you should just give yourself time and you’ll make up etc”. I think she understood. I do not want to explain myself anymore to them, further explaining would be too much, I think. But I feel like I will always be “his friend” in their eyes, as this was the case since the beginning (as I was saying he was exaggerating, omitting the fact we have not seen each other 5 years, almost bragging even).

Not sure if I explain correctly. I do not want to appear connected to him that much, I feel like I was not my own person since I started this job, often some people asking me about him and our friendship. And now that I made some friends and people like me (some of them in my team but also in other teams – girls who left to other departments- do not like him. There is a manager who likes him and new girl who had a baby in 2020 and just got back to work- she is great friends with him). It sometimes feels like a marriage – you make friends and people like you for who you are but they always remember you are married to this one guy, not very pleasant one, so they never mention him around you. I think they do not talk bad about him because they still cannot get rid of the thinking of me as his friend after all those months.

Maybe this is not true, It may be that I tell myself it looks like this while in reality it may not look that bad, since I explained. But that is the main reason I get this weird feeling lately. Feeling guilty, dishonest.

Anita,

Yes, I never felt I belong to my family. My mom’s family never liked me, my dad or my mom. We use to go there for holidays etc but grandparents or uncles never talked to us, was never interested in asking me anything. I was always bored there. They did not like my dad because they thought he was drunk. He did drink but I think it did not help in any way that they hated him, you know what I mean? They just rejected him and us, that’s all what they did. I think at some people my mom started being ashamed of me. Not sure why, I think I was a normal child, she had some issues of her own, was not feeling confident, pretty or loved so she naturally thought her child was inferior too. I often felt that, she was afraid I was going to look not pretty, someone would comment on my appearance (I had acne) and she immediately was downcast. My dad’s family was similar. They did not like my mom, they also thought my dad was a disappointment, never achieved anything, so everyone supported his sister and her family. They were a royalty in our family. But I don’t think my dad was ashamed of me. He did not care that much, he even stood up for me sometimes. Now I do not talk to his family ever, and I visit my mom’s family once in 5 months for birthday parties. I do not feel I belong to any of the families. Sorry for this story, I bet you did not expect that. Or did you? You guessed it perfectly.

I have to admit there is a success, my ex-friend was very polite to me today in front of other people, he even asked me questions which I do not think it was necessary to ask. Seemed like he wanted to say something.

I am happy about what I did. But I remember what you wrote – it can be deceiving, I doubt he changed his all personality in two weeks. He will probably return to his behavior and I need to be cautious. Either way, It won’t change my happiness about how I stood up for myself. I told one of the colleagues about that happened, how he came to my place and told me all this. Not sure if this was a good idea, but I hated the fact she still says it’s going to be fine between us, we will make up because we are such good friends. I wanted to say this is not the case here. Maybe it was not a good choice because we work together and I would not want to influence her thinking about him, but I did.

Thank you for reading this, if you are. Have a good day 🙂

Thank you for being here, on this forum.