Dear Caroline:

Good to read back from you,  you are welcome, and I like this huge smiley face, it just made me smile back at it.

“I already behaved in non-passive way several times, maybe it’s not a lot but I know something has changed in me”- congrats, and from my personal experience, there is no such thing as a little when it comes to this kind of practice: every opportunity to practice is as big as any other.

“The other girl who works here says it is becoming a problem and that ‘he would destroy everyone and he is a sociopath‘”- stay away and keep away from him, I say.

“I want to be more brave“- you already are braver than you used to be. With practice, you will be even braver, one day at a time, no pressure!

“I noticed since I do not pressure myself to do something creative, I have more pleasure spending the day whichever way I choose“- no pressure=> no displeasure. Remember this… and practice NP (No Pressure!)

anita

Dear Caroline:

I figured that you didn’t intend to have the smiley face so big and that you may feel badly about it, that’s why I added that I liked it- which is true. I too used to feel badly about any mistake I made, even mistakes of no consequence.. or mistakes of positive consequence, like this one. I like your motto, thank you,  and have a great day yourself (it is Tues 12:52 pm here)!

anita

How are you, Caroline?

anita

Dear Caroline:

You are welcome, good to read back from you! And it is good to read that you are okay and that you had a really good time visiting a work colleague.

“I saw your message yesterday and still thinking, looking for right words“- you don’t have to be very careful here: you can type your words for me without much care because I will not punish you for wrong wording. I know that you have a good heart and therefore, you don’t have to… use perfect words and perfect sentences.

“I am trying to learn how to have healthy relationships with people but it always ends with me feeling used or taken advantage of, and being angry, or them leaving me for some reason“-

On Oct 22, I wrote to you: “Unfortunately, old perspectives and old thinking are remarkably persistent because they are habitual… your old thinking will not disappear just because new thinking appeared… the old thinking will automatically return. You will have to repeat the new perspective and new thinking until these become your new habit”.

The old perspectives include what you described today. It takes time to form new thought habits and new behavioral habits, such as behaving assertively with people (the faking-it-till-you-make it, which we discussed previously).

“It now has led me to distrusting people at the very beginnings of knowing them which I hate myself for“- you closed your Oct 21 post with: “I will be more kind to myself“– hating yourself is not kind. Whenever you feel hate for yourself, turn to empathy. For example, when you notice distrustful thoughts about people at the very beginning of meeting them, and feeling self-hate for that distrust, think to yourself something like: I must have been so hurt by people… I was so hurt by people, this is why I developed distrust. See yourself as a hurt, little Caroline and feel compassion for her.

With compassion to Caroline and change of habits, you will develop healthy enough relationships with healthy enough people (I say enough because no person and no relationship is perfectly healthy).

anita

Dear Caroline:

You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation and kind words! I am fine, thank you, the weather here has been so pleasantly unusual for this time of the year: sunny, bright blue skies, it’s a mood elevator.

“I do not want to seem like I miss any of your valuable thoughts“- I used to expect perfection from myself: to respond to every single thing someone says to me (so that they don’t feel ignored and get angry), to word myself perfectly (so that…again, others will not get angry at me). This expectation brought me so much misery because I repeatedly failed to be perfect, and every failure felt like proof that I was indeed severely inadequate and inferior to others.

And all along, perfections has been impossible: impossible for me as well as for any other human being.

“Still thinking about myself as a fraud. I think I need time“- what kinds of thoughts in regard to being a fraud did you have lately, and in what circumstances, if I may ask?

“I feel less passive in general, though, more grounded. Learning to have my opinion, to be critical“- excellent, Caroline, you are doing well!

anita