Hi Jan, thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

I tend to see it this way as well. Although I never met this guy (her on/off ex), I think it looks a lot like emotional (and possibly physical) abuse.

I also agree very much that he’d be more interesting in having her live alone on the country side surrounded by his family than having a more ‘independent’ life in the big city. Isolation is very typical for someone with unhealthy and toxic intentions indeed.

Some other ‘red flags’ I noticed:

Their relationship started fast and hard, he moved in with her very quickly.
He was very quick in getting close to her family and friends and portrayed a bright future with marriage and family planning.
Then things got confusing for her because he would constantly change how he sees things and she started doubting herself and the relationship a lot, resulting in breaking up and moving out.
Then indeed came the phase of lowering her self esteem and making her feel insecure. She doesn’t understand why he’s even still with her and tries to break up again, but he won’t let her go. Always stalking and love-bombing his way back.

As for more on her background: She has lost her father at a young age, and then was abandoned by her mother at age 12 to be raised by her grandmother, while her younger sister and older brother went to live with their mother. Later her older brother also dies. Then when she was finally reunited with her mother she ended up in a physically abusive relationship and had to move to a different country to get away from that guy. Then her mother also died unexpectedly.

I have a feeling she’s in fact an easy ‘prey’ for an(other) emotional abuser?

Still there are a lot of people who say ‘oh well if she really wanted him gone she would change the locks’. Or that she enjoys the drama and that her boyfriend is trauma bonded to her endless pull/push behaviour. That she is the one abusing him.

You write ‘please help her get this guy out of her life’. Would you have any advice on how to do that? She really believes that he did a lot for her and he deserves another chance etc. I have heard about cases where voicing concerns about possible abuse will drive the person even more into the arms of the abuser and possibly cut off ties with the one that is trying to help.

Would you suggest talking to people around her? Like her younger sister or a friend? Or would that have an opposite effect as well?

Thanks in advance for any further elaboration!

Hi Anita thanks again for taking the time to reply. I fully hear what you’re saying. I AM indeed trying to make sense of a lot of different signals that can all be interpreted in multiple ways. My motivation? I know how incredible hidden domestic abuse can be, and how easy it is to shift the focus away from obvious red flags by putting all the responsibility with the abused. (The ‘infamous’ if she doesn’t like it she can just leave; and if she doesn’t leave she probably likes it) This is a very dangerous mindset and the cause for many women (and men) to not be heard or helped when they’re in danger. I also notice that you’re first reflex is like this. It must be her, else she would have left long time ago. I also know that people who tend to gravitate towards abusive relationships once, are likely to repeat. But even then, the general first reaction seems to be: she would have left if she didn’t like what’s going on, or she might actually enjoy it.

As for your thoughts: I did not spend a lot of time talking with this woman over the years. We once we more connected, over ten years ago, through mutual friends when we lived in the same country. From then on we’ve been friends in the sense we would give each other little updates about what’s going on in life.

Knowing if someone is honest or dishonest, a victim or an abuser, manipulative or mentally incompetent, is incredibly difficult to tell. I am interested in what others think given what I have seen so far. Maybe someone recognises some behaviours and could shed some insight.  My motivation? She’s a friend, and I know the horrors she’s been through in a previous, very physically abuse relationship. It would be very sad if she’s in one again. If you think that someone who is being abused will tell the first person they see ‘oh hello, I am being abused, could you help me?’ then you’re probably wrong. A lot of people who have a history of abuse are sometimes not aware of them being abused, because it feels so familiar to them.

Thanks for seeing me as someone intelligent and rational, I would like to return the compliment as I think you are also very rational, intelligent and eloquent But like I said: I don’t have LOTS of contact with her. It’s mostly through text every now and then and the occasional phone call. Haven’t seen her IRL face to face in years, let alone together with her partner and possibly observe their dynamic or body language..

I am and have been in intimate relationships, and I am far from clueless what happens inside them 🙂 In fact I have a very healthy interest in interpersonal contact, human behaviour, relationship dynamics, why our relationships are the way they are etc. I think our relationships, the people we attract and the people who are attracted to us, teach us a lot about ourselves.

As I wrote to Jan in my reply to him, yes I know her character and her background. Me, my girlfriend and my friends were all there when the person in question had to leave the country to escape from her abuser and start all over. When she eventually found someone new we were all happy for her, looked like her traumatic abusive relationship was a mishap and she now found someone nice and stable. Expecting her to get married and have some kids at some point.

But as time goes by, we are wondering if history isn’t repeating. You might say why don’t you just ask her if she’s in another bad relationship again? Well as you may know, that’s the problem. If it were that simple nobody would ever be in a bad place ever right?

I understand the temptation to start analysing me, and question why I am so invested in all this and if I even know anything about relationships in the first place. But that’s not what I’m asking. We don’t need to contra or meta analyse why the question is asked in the first place. That feels like you want to jump on a psychologists chair and start debating what all this is saying about me. I just like to double check with others how this looks like to them from the outside. I think you made it clear where you stand. I assume you’re in camp “if she wants to leave she would just go”? Is that correct?

I don’t think it’s that strange to second guess possible red flags happening to someone with a certain background and history? If that’s a friend?