Is she worth pursuing?

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    I’m a male in my 30s and she is in her 20s. We are just friends right now. I think we connect on many levels, have a lot in common and get along really well. We’ve discussed relationships in general several times, but she is persistent in saying that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship, that she’s too busy. I disagree. I feel that she doesn’t want the commitment and the vulnerability that comes with a relationship. I won’t discuss her past, but I will say she puts up this wall for good reasons because of her past. I want to bring it down. I see the real her. And the wall. She does however have a guy she sees every now and then that spends the night at her house.

    We work together at the same company just different shifts so I seldom see her at work but because it is work there are a lot of people that work with both of us. This doesn’t bother me much but I am a private person and tend to keep to myself whereas she’s a social butterfly and is extroverted. Opposites attract I guess.

    I haven’t been successful at relationships in the past because I have just never tried. All the women I found myself attracted to don’t have the same feelings for me so I stay friends with them and stay single.

    I spent my 20s in school getting an AS degree and a BBA degree so I focused on school more than anything else because it was important to me to achieve my goal of getting a degree.

    Now that I’m in my 30s, time seems like it’s going too fast and I want kids and a wife and all that comes with it. But my lack of relationships sort of stumps me as to where to start. I’m awkward in social situations and I don’t talk much in general so talking to a woman is just as awkward.

    This girl came up to me and started talking. We clicked. I feel comfortable around her. We’ve shared a lot of stuff about ourselves with each other. She has a 3 year old son that I adore. He’s an amazing little boy. And she’s a great mother. She’s independent, supports herself with two jobs, very strong willed and stubborn, caring, she helps others including random strangers. To me, she’s a good catch. She’s the type of woman I want in my life to share the journey of life with.

    My question is: I really do like her and see a future with her, but I don’t know how she feels other than her answer of “not wanting to be in a relationship” answer to it.

    Should I tell her how I feel or just remain friends and let her go?


    Sounds like you’ve put all your eggs in one basket which may be unattractive to some females.
    I’d say as long as she knows where you stand, time to back off. the ball is in her court. Time to pursue other interests, even other females, as she may not be taking you seriously. The fact that she is still seeing another guy occasionally is a red flag in my opinion.
    The “real” her may not be as good as the “ideal” her that you have created.
    I’m in my fiftees and looking back I know, I definitely idealised some women who didn’t really deserve it.
    One other thing springs to mind. her “difficult” past may be a red flag too. it would be for me. She may not want to risk loving feelings towards anyone again. she may want to adopt a pragmatic, even cynical approach to life. OK I might reading too much into this.
    Good luck.


    I haven’t said anything to her about how I feel. I agree about the other guy thing, though. Her upbringing was basically that sex is nothing special, so she’s sort of taken that into adulthood. I, on the other hand, had a different upbringing and have come to believe intimacy is just that, it is something that you don’t share with anyone, it is meant to a special thing. I’m also traditional in my ways of relationships. I don’t jump in the sack the first time I meet a woman. I want to know who they are, if we click, that sort of thing.

    She makes it a point to give me a hug when we see each other and when we part ways. She calls a lot, we have long discussions that last hours on end about different topics. She seems like she’s interested in me.

    I guess I just don’t quite understand her cues? or maybe she’s sending them and i’m not picking them up?


    Time to lay it on the line then…
    “Listen can we talk….
    How can I put this? Would you be ready to take our relationship to the next step? I feel ready. Do you?”

    How’s that? Too abrupt? Wouldn’t work?


    It would certainly get it out in the open for sure. I have my own stuff I battle, like rejection. The fact that the few women I have pursued have all turned me down, it makes me reluctant to say anything to her about this. The thing that stumps me is that it feels right. We have people that we’re interested in, and I’ve certainly had my share, but to me, she’s different? It feels different.


    Rejection is a part of life. If we avoid rejection we avoid life.
    I know it’s hard but try not to take it personally. Actually we don’t realise, but sometimes a rejection is doing you a favour in the long run. I compare this to missing out on a job. The job seems ideal but if they accepted , the job might’ve proved less than ideal. You need that approach to life. “oh too bad. it mustn’t have meant to work out.
    This procrastination is wasting your time. Better to find out for sure, then move on if you have to. I bet there a lot of women suitable for you, just you either aren’t aware or they haven’t met you yet.
    If I think about the time I wasted on “oh this is the one, I have to have her”, the sleepless nights. The agony is wateful as I look back now.


    You make a valid point. I try not to take rejection personally, but many times over it has taken it’s toll on me. I feel I need to just let her go, not say anything to her and just let her be. The what-if is still in the back of my mind though, and I guess that’s what keeps me holding onto the friendship.

    fiona mccudden

    Yes she is worth persuing because presently and for some time she is the object of your desire. When this happens someone becomes the exclusive focus of all our central thoughts and feelins. You are running away, rather than confront your feelings of humiliation and rejection and worse of all her friendship. That would be a huge loss. Rather than facing this, you chose to walk away or worse accept a small piece of her as something is better than nothing.
    She knows how you feel. She enjoys your company and is having the best of all worlds. Do yourself a favour and confromnt her. Tell her out straight how you feel about her. Two things will happen. She may realize that you are not prepared to sit around any more and it may propel her to give you a chance, given her checkered past with non committed men. When you confront her it may also be the elephant in the room and that once you have called it time on your true feelings for her it will close down the relationship. I know you fear this more than anything but guess what, the terrible pain you are feeling now will stop after a few days. Yes you will have to cope with the dissappointment but you will be Ok after a short while and sooner than you imagine as you become emotionally freed up for finding the soulmate you are so deserving. Finally you have to ask yourself the question, why would you stick around and accept a glass half full relationship. Why do you think this is all you deserve. You are a man. Stand up straight and look her in the eye (stop looking at the ground). Ask the straight question and then look at the sky, either you will embark on a deeper relationship or you be set free to feel deep and meaningful love with someone you just hav’nt met yet. There out there now. Its a ‘win, win’ for you. Start loving yourself today and respecting all that you are and all that you have to offer. It means a lot to someone, if not her then your soulmate is waiting for you. Act today !Good luck


    @bijou you make some very valid points. I go back and forth on the subject. One thing is true though, we both enjoy the time we spend together. I don’t want to feel rejection, I agree. But as @jack has said, we can’t live without rejection.

    Thank you both for your insight on this. It has cleared things up for me and given me a different perspective on it. I’m going to pursue her and hope for the best.

    Matt Turner

    Hi Greengiant,

    Thank you for sharing your struggle. I hear you and understand what this must be like for you right now.

    If I may offer you my two cents worth, in the best of faith, it would be this:

    Human beings are relational beings. When we say we don’t want relationships, what we are often saying is that we can’t handle relationships or don’t know how to be in one. On face value, I would agree with you about she doesn’t want the commitment and perhaps feels vulnerable with making such a commitment. That’s fair enough and her entitlement.

    With regard to the walls she quite clearly puts up, you cannot bring those down. This is not possible, nor is it your responsibility or obligation. Only she can do this. Your pursuit of her may actually build those walls higher when she’s pushed.

    At the end of the day, there is two people in any relationship and this equal’s 100%. You can ever only be responsible for your 50% and never hers.

    Now here’s the light at the end of the tunnel! HOW you take care of your 50% will make or break any relationship you either seek or wish to nourish. Take a look at how you are showing up for yourself. What sort of messages are you telling yourself? How do you actually see yourself? What walls do you have, and why?

    These sorts of questions are the beginning to discovering what your 50% looks like. Then, and only then, can you decide how you’d like to be. This is either going to be attractive to her or not. However, by making decisions for yourself and your relationships per se you can then begin to change how you are outwardly to others.

    Obviously I am skimming the surface here and I’m going on what you’ve offered, but I hope it helps somewhat.

    Best of luck!


    Meagan Black

    I am sending you positive vibes my friend.


    @Matt Turner, I agree with you about relationships being 50/50. I feel that we can only put in so much in ourselves with the other person matching it. Anything more than that seems like it leads to arguments and eventual break-ups because one feels resentment towards the other about not putting enough into the relationship.

    AFter much contemplation about the whole thing since I posted this last week, although I do have feelings for her and care about her, I think it will be better just letting her be with her ‘friend’ that spends the night with her every now and then, than to try to make it work between us. She’s emotionally unavailable and has some work to do with herself and how she sees relationships. So do I, but I think we’re on different views and different stages of our lives to make it work long term. It would be nice to experience a relationship again, but it’s for the best not to pursue one with her.

    I have things I do need to work out, rejection has hit me hard in the past because I’ve always felt it was me, even though it wasn’t. I tend to pick the same type of woman who is emotionally unavailable or some other reason not to try it with me. I have social problems, I can list dozens of problems about myself but this is not the post to do that. My point is, I have to learn how to accept myself first. Even though after reading self-help books and researching online for a couple of years, the answers still aren’t there for me. I can listen and read all of the advice in the world but if I don’t implement it into my own life, I’m going to be the same 20 years from now; alone, single, and miserable.

    black: thank you for the positive thoughts. It is appreciated.


    Dear dfh:

    I like your post above. It reads reasonable to me. It is a good thing that she told you that she has a friend-with-benefits. The fact that she does is really, in real life as I see it, an I-am-not-available message and a source of greater pain for you if you invested in a potential relationship with her any more than you already have.



    I’m going to be the same 20 years from now; alone, single, and miserable.

    See your self-talk?
    It reminds me of how fear driven my own self-talk can be.
    I think single people tend to idealise all those in relationships.
    I think I’m happier in a relationship now but we certainly have our moments, our arguments, our times when we ask ourselves” is this what I really want”>
    And then some day one of us will die anyway. We have to get used to change. Nothing lasts forever.
    You know I look back at my single life and sure it was lonely sometimes but on the other hand I had a kind of independence too. It wasn’t all bad. It was an interesting phase of my life.
    Try to have gratitude for your current phase of life, I guess is what I’m trying to say.


    @jack The last relationship I had ended in 2010 so it’s been a few years for me. For the most part, I am happy being alone. I like solitude and the quiet that I have in my life. I do enjoy being around people at times. I don’t like labels but most would consider me introverted, but in my own definition, I’m just me. Pure and simple.

    But I do wish to have kids and a wife. Something to enjoy life with, share the experience with as I get older, the good and the bad. I’ve stopped going out and enjoying things because of the lack of money, so it’s hard to do things at home. There’s only so much you can do in your house without spending money and not getting tired of repetition. I have some other personal things going on in the background that restrict me from moving or gaining higher income etc. so right now I’m in limbo.

    She came into my life and I’ve tried to not let myself get interested in her, but the more I know, the more she grows on me. But as I’ve said in previous responses, it’s best if I leave her be.

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