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Is there a chance here?

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  • November 11, 2016 at 1:57 am #120105
    Estella
    Participant

    Ok so I met a man two years ago who is 10 years older than me. I was super shy around him because I was just recovering from an eating disorder (he doesn’t know about this) but we had sex and eventually lost contact because I couldn’t open up so it was purely sexual.
    Since then I’ve been growing as a person, and have become much more confident, radiant and happy. I truly enjoy life now and others can sense it.
    This year in August he messaged me and asked to see me. We had dinner at a nice restaurant and he seemed really shocked by how I had changed for the better. We talk about deep conversations and are getting to know each other a bit more every time. We see each other once a week because he has to travel for work during the week, and we also have sex which each time gets better and better. I would love to be in a relationship with him, he is very passionate about what he does, attentive, I appreciate everything he has done for me so far, and I love just speaking with him and getting to know him.

    Last week we kept looking into each others eyes and it was just magical and romantic. Sometimes though when I want to reveal something about myself, he deflects the conversation and changes topic. He can be quite guarded and doesn’t reveal a lot about his dreams or fears, but he has told me he is very closed and has told me more things than he has told many people.
    He also doesn’t text me much. I will text ‘I miss you’ and he will take two days to answer for example, but I honestly don’t mind because I know he is busy and not very communicative in that way. When we are together he treats me so well, doesn’t let me pay for anything and remembers all the things I enjoy. He also just enjoys talking with me for hours and into the night.

    He has a big interview today which he apologized beforehand that he will be distant because he wants to prepare for it. I hope he gets it because it means he will spend more time in our city than travelling. On Tuesday I wished him good luck and asked if he was free after his interview to do something. He hasn’t answered, which is expected as he is focused on that interview. When I see him though I want to tell him that I haven’t been seeing anybody except for him, that I can feel myself really opening up to him and don’t want to be with anybody except him, and ask if he sees a future with me or if it is just casual for him. What do you think? Is it wise to bring this conversation, or do you think there is no chance here?

    November 11, 2016 at 5:38 am #120110
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi estella,

    You do have a relationship with him, albeit a casual one.

    That is a red-ish flag to me that he doesn’t want to open up or hear it when you get too deep. That would tell me that he is primarily keeping you for company. And that you being shy and reserved is what attracted him to you in the first place. A warm body and less work.

    I would not show your exclusivity hand to him. In fact, you should do the opposite. Tell him that there is a guy who wants to date you, or you got a text from a friend, or your family wants to set you up ~ whatever is true ~ and ask him what he thinks of that. That you don’t want to hurt him. *BUMP!* That you don’t want to hurt him! (His head might explode a bit here).

    What I did was tell my DH when we were dating, “Don’t ask me any serious questions before the holidays next year”. It plants the seeds that:

    1. This is serious
    2. YOU don’t want it to get that serious yet and you’re assuming he is

    This will give him pause as to what kind of message HE’S sending.

    The relationship will either go to the next level or end.

    Either outcome is a blessing.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    November 11, 2016 at 7:11 am #120116
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear estella:

    When you see him, if I was you, I wouldn’t tell him that I haven’t been seeing anybody except for him, that I can feel myself really opening up to him and don’t want to be with anybody except him, and ask if he sees a future with me or if it is just casual for him.” Instead, I would tell him: “I am interested in exploring a monogamous, boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with you. What do you think about it?”

    This way is more objective, less emotional and more likely to get an honest response from him. He is likely to feel more comfortable with a business- like approach I suggested, than with a personal, emotional approach. And you want him to feel comfortable so to have a better chance for an honest answer.

    What do you think?

    anita

    November 11, 2016 at 10:21 am #120122
    Estella
    Participant

    Thank you both very much! They make more sense than what I want to say, I’m feeling really emotional.

    So on Wednesday as I mentioned in my original post, I asked to see him after his interview on Friday and said good luck. Well today (Friday) he said ‘thank you!!! Will let you know how it goes!’… It is now 6:30pm and he has been online and obviously had his interview, but hasn’t gotten back to me about how it went, let alone if he can see me. What on earth do I say to him when he gets back to me? I feel like writing something now… but know it is futile. I feel like saying ‘obviously we aren’t meeting today but did it go well?’. AAAA why did i let him in.

    November 11, 2016 at 11:36 am #120127
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear estella:

    We have to let people in- it is in our nature. Not letting anyone in means severe mental illness and lots of misery. Don’t be hard on yourself for letting him in. Learn from this experience (which is not over) so that you will better be able to evaluate a man for better chances of the loving relationship that you are looking for.

    It still, may be with him. Doesn’t appear promising, but it may very well be. Most women, observing his behavior described in your last post, will say: obviously he is not interested or obviously he is not feeling close enough to you to contact you by now, following the interview. I agree, but the story doesn’t have to end here. What IF (and it is only a possibility) he is closed off to emotionally intimate relationships, not letting a woman because every woman did react to his aloofness by either withdrawing or getting angry, shooting an angry or ever so- slightly angry email to him and it deteriorates from there on. What if you will do something different and email him something like that:

    “Dear X:

    I am interested in a one-to-one, aka monogamous, loving, close relationship with you, a kind where you will share with me the result of an interview like you had today soon after the interview, because you would know I cared and you would want me to either be happy with you or comfort you.

    Are you interested in this kind of a relationship? Please let me know.

    estella

    This is a direct, simple message, very clear. I bet he never got a message like that. I wonder if he will respond positively to such: he may like the simplicity.

    I am thinking, maybe he doesn’t let women in because he views the experience to follow too complicated. Your simplicity, if you persist in it, may be the refreshing experience that will motivate him to change course.

    Or not. But the way most women react would be business as usual for him which is keeping you out.

    anita

    November 11, 2016 at 11:40 am #120129
    Inky
    Participant

    When he takes his sweet time getting back to you, say “Sorry, I have to go!”

    When you finally meet up (let him do all the planning) bring up that you would be dating other people ~ but don’t want to hurt him.

    He will realize that you will not be just waiting around.

    Like I said, it will be either Relationship or Bust.

    And if he says, “I’m OK with you dating other people”?

    Then date other people.

    Best,

    Inky

    November 11, 2016 at 2:55 pm #120133
    Estella
    Participant

    I really like these comments, and will cool down on what I originally wanted to say. When I next see him, i am going to see what he hopes from this, and tell him I’d like to explore the option of dating only him, but if he doesn’t want that then tell him that I;ll go out on a date with someone who’s been interested. What do you think? I want all of this to come from a place of love, I am not angry at him, I won’t force him to date me. But I have to look after myself first and foremost and what I want is a relationship.

    November 11, 2016 at 3:08 pm #120134
    Estella
    Participant

    Anita I also want to tell him I want a kind where he shares with me the result of an interview soon after the interview, because he would know I cared and he would want me to either be happy with him. I would rather talk about this face to face in an honest manner so he doesn’t leave me hanging via text and then dismiss it completely.

    November 11, 2016 at 5:24 pm #120135
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear estella:

    Talking about this with him “face to face in an honest manner” sounds just right to me.

    Tell him the truth, what you are interested in, short and simple, not going on and on. Say it as calmly as you can, a gentle but strong voice- expressing to him in the way you talk, that not only this is what you want, but you deserve to get what you want.

    He may say Yay or Nay or Maybe, but at the least, when you assert yourself this way, you practice respect for yourself;, you present yourself as a valuable and assertive person.

    There is something very humiliating in being with a man intimately, on his terms (not yours), when he wants, in the context he chooses, hoping that over time things will change.

    No, no , no: you choose, you make things happen the way you need them be (or close enough). If his answer is Nay- end the relationship. If his answer is Maybe, ask him what that maybe is about and post here his answer, will you?

    anita

    November 12, 2016 at 2:06 am #120147
    Estella
    Participant

    Thank you very much dear Anita, I love your gentle approach to this. I will post an update here if it happens x

    November 12, 2016 at 7:45 am #120165
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, estella. And thank you for your comment. Looking forward to your update.
    anita

    November 17, 2016 at 7:19 am #120568
    Jessy Mae
    Participant

    Dear Estella,

    I’ve been there. Ultimately if you want a relationship with him you have to let him go. Sounds like the opposite, but trust me on this, if he is interested he will come around. If he’s not, then you’re better off without him continuing to lead you on. Sex bonds a woman but not so much for a man. However, they thrive on the pursuit. So give him something to pursue. YOU! The only way he can do that is for you to let him by disappearing. A little secret about men. If you text first then he knows your on the hook and he’ll look for someone else to pursue to fill that need of the thrill of the chase. Why do you think men still go hunting nowadays when there is plenty of food in the corner grocery store? They NEED to hunt. We’re women, we need to know they are going to stick around – but that is also a primal need – to make sure if you get pregnant he’ll be there. Ultimately humans are still cave people at our core. If you understand that, you know where your fear of him leaving is coming from.

    Blessings & Love,
    Jessi

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