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Is there anyone kind enough to give me some advice?

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  • #391867
    Greg
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    So i recently get to know a girl from instagram… we’ve been following each other since 2018 but havent get to know each other. I followed her on instagram because i saw her attractive and she followed me back.

    On 1st of January i replied her instagram stories, and after that we texted everyday till now. She is in a different country than me, i’m in our country (we came from the same city) and she’s abroad. Tbh even though she replies to my text everyday (it’s been 27 days now)… we hardly flirt to each other and she replies late as she said she’s busy with work…… Everyday i keep looking at my phone waiting for her to text me back and it’s kind of a headache…… Her replies are quite good as she tells me about her life and also asks about mine, it’s just that she’s busy as she told me she works from morning to evening in a restaurant and sometimes at night she got a group meeting from her workplace….

    I’m confused, should i keep texting her or not? Or should i stop texting her for two weeks and come back texting her again?

    As she’s abroad now (she just finished her last term of uni and now waiting for her graduation) so i cant try to ask her out for a date…… I tried to like girls here in my city but tbh none of them i find attractive…. but i find this girl attractive… it’s just too bad that she’s abroad now…..

    #391868
    samy
    Participant

    Hi Greg

    This post made me smile. It is up to you what you decide to do. I suggest you hold onto those standards you have on attractiveness. The girls in your city will do just fine without you and you will be fine without them. I just hope when it comes time to marry, you don’t marry one of those girls and ruin their life.

    You are piting girls against each other and placing one on a pedestal whom you have never met. That would make you seem naive, but you aren’t, considering you threw every girl from your city under the bus. Like I said earlier, my advice to you in this matter is don’t “settle” for the girls in your city. Stay single for the rest of your life if you have to.

     

    #391880
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Greg
    I don’t do the Instagram thing so don’t know much the expected etiquette (Just googled that and apparently thier are a lot of suggested rules)

    We live in a world with a lot of focus on immediate gratification. I.E when we text or such we desire a immediate response and become agitated (making up what if stories) when that desire isn’t met.  But why should that be?

    Not that long ago persons in your situation would write letters with weeks in between. The anticipation of receiving a letter can be enjoyable….

    In your shoes I might approach the Instagram thing the same way. This will require you to be able to communicate your boundaries.  Let her know you would like to continue communicating with her without the expectation of immediate responses… as if you were writing letters a suitable delay could be agreed on.
    And perhaps a promise that if either of you wish to stop the communication you will let each other know. (no ghosting)

    In Buddhist terms – What is causing you the headache is your desire and attachment to wanting what you want right now which has very little to do with this woman. She isn’t giving you the headache your are… Imagine enjoying the communications without such attachments.

    #391887
    Greg
    Participant

    Thank you samy and peter for both of your replies,

    The thing that makes me confused right now is that i’m not sure if she’s replying me because she’s interested or is it only out of pity? Because we havent met each other in real life, and idk if my approach her to get to know her by social media is a wrong approach or not (cause other people might judge by way of approach, why do i have to find someone far away by online and not try finding girls that are approachable in real life)…. This is what makes me indecisive to continue or not….

    #391895
    Peter
    Participant

    As a person that tends to live in my head, I get it Greg
    The tendency to project my insecurities in to silences between encounters with others… what if they think this or that about me, what if, what if…

    Being able to communicate clearly and establishing healthy boundaries can help. Sadly most of us haven’t been taught how to commutate skillfully in such situations.  (just knowing what ones boundaries, making them conscious, is not a easy task.)

    Under similar circumstances a philosopher Tom Morris gave me the following advice or rule. The rule of Charity. The rule of Charity states that if you experience a event and thier are multiple possible explanations and you have no way of determining which is the correct explanations or you have decide not to take the time to determine which is the correct explanation then choose the better explanation.

    It is possible that this woman is interested in you, enjoys making new acquittances,  likes communicating with people from around the world, pities you, is setting you up for some scam, is a murder looking for the next victim… 🙂
    So many what if’s!

    You could ask her about each of those possibilities to determine which is true..    or you could choose to pick the most kindest explanation which in this case may be she finds you interesting.

    When your not engaged with your insecurities your projecting on the interaction you seem to be  your enjoying the interactions so why can’t that be enough in the present moment? Tomorrow will bring what tomorrow will bring.

    As for the question ‘Why do you find it easier to engage with those farther away and or online (virtually) and not closer at hand in the real world… A problem many today have… i
    Asking myself that question I might wonder if I find it easier. That a virtual connection that doesn’t work out wont hurt as much as a connection where I actually interacted with the person in the ‘real’ world doesn’t. Especially if I might run into them from time to time. But that’s me

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