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Is there something wrong with me?

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  • February 25, 2014 at 12:31 pm #51735
    Csaba
    Participant

    Before I start I would like to thank you for reading my post, it would mean the world to me if you would tell me what you think, or if this has happened to more people before.

    So, I am currently almost 20 and a man, relationship vise I had a 4 month long one and a 3 month long one, in both of them I was very emotionally attached, and after giving it some time I realised that both of them ended because of many things but there was one huge factor: I could not love them as much because they have already been with someone else. I honestly don’t understand why my soul makes such a fuss about this, but for some reason it does.

    My head started to think about things like “Well, I’m not the first one for her” or “She can throw me away any time like she did with the other(s)” or “She already did this, I’m not giving her anything new” and many things like this where my soul aches because of the thought that the one I love, has already been with someone else (and it’s not only sexually, but love vise also). This weird kind of jealousy played a huge part in us parting ways both times.

    It’s is just now that I realised that this kind of thinking only keeps me back, as I get more older it will be almost impossible to find someone who hadn’t had a relationship before, and the worst is, that I don’t even know if finding someone like this would solve my problem.

    Am I the only one who is such a crybaby about this? How can new couples owercome the thought that their loved ones have already did all the great things before with someone else? I want to change this. How should I overcome this?

    • This topic was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Csaba.
    February 25, 2014 at 6:29 pm #51759
    WaveChildDri
    Participant

    The first thing you have to remember is that love is not about possession or ownership; Love is acceptance of someone no matter what they are, what they’ve done or who they’ve been with. Love is not about creating your own build a wife/ or husband. Everyone has a past and it makes them who they are. Unless you are given a reason from your significant other to feel threatened by feelings they may still harbor from a past relationship, I say dont sweat what you cannot control or change. Appreciate her for who she is right now in this moment with you… Life is stressful, love shouldn’t be.

    -Drian

    February 26, 2014 at 1:28 am #51811
    Will
    Participant

    Yes, there is something wrong with you.

    I’m sorry, that’s kind of rude. I don’t mean there’s something wrong with you like, you’re broken forever. I mean the way you’re thinking is getting in the way of your happiness and your ability to love, and that’s tragic, and you should try to change the way you’re thinking so it doesn’t do that.

    I don’t think you’re the only one with this problem. I think it may have something to do with the way you were educated around love and relationships, and the ideas and preconceptions you have about what it means to be in a relationship.

    You correctly identify this as jealousy, and jealousy is toxic to any relationship. I agree that finding someone to whom you would be “the first” is probably not going to solve your issue, because you’ll still be jealous. You’ll just be jealous of potential others she might have in the future, instead of another she had in the past.

    I think the answer is that you’ll have to re-educate yourself. I think you may have been lied to. Love isn’t about doing something for the first time. When it comes to sex, for most people the first time is kind of clumsy and unsatisfying, and not with the person they’ll be with for the rest of their lives. And when it comes to love, actually, the same is true. Look for books or movies or articles or whatever that are about that kind of love. Not young love, not first time crazy love, but the love people are capable of when they’ve been through it before, and actually kind of know what they’re doing.

    Take it from a 34-year-old with an exciting new lover. I’ve been through some wacky relationships, but my love is as fresh and bright as the first. And it’s actually better because I’m not twisting myself in knots over whether I’m doing it right or everything’s going to be ok. (For clarity: I’m talking about love, not sex here.) Yes, I have done the things I do now with my new lover before, and yet all of it is completely new, because HE is new. And therefore I am new. And life is beautiful.

    Here’s a place to start reading. Your post reminded me of this article: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2011/09/love-virginity.html

    February 26, 2014 at 3:24 am #51813
    Csaba
    Participant

    Thank you for your answer. I knew I was wrong with this. One of the causes may be that my parents were the first ones for eachother, they met when they were 14, they married when they were 18 and they are currently 51, and I have never seen them quarell. It’s that rare true love that only happens to a few. For a long time I thought that life for me will be the same, that I will meet that one true love and I will live with her happily ever after. It could still happen but I’ll need to work on a lot of things to make myself able to handle a true relationship 🙂 Thanks for your answer again, I’m going to work on this.

    February 26, 2014 at 5:53 am #51819
    Will
    Participant

    Good luck, man. You have a lot to gain. Stay the course.

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