Dear Anita,

Thank you again for your help !

My trip went well, thank you.

Yes, focusing on the positive helps greatly. Also, I notice that when I am too busy hanging out with my new friends and meeting new people, I am less bothered by the fact that our friendship is less strong.

“it seems like you feel somewhat responsible for your friend shifting priorities away from you, as if you are guilty for the weakening of the friendship. The self-doubt is something like this: did she move away from me because of her new relationship or because I was too much (high maintenance), or because I moved away from her first/ too soon?”

Indeed, I wonder if I am not partly responsable :

Even if it sounds strange, I sometimes gaslight myself into thinking that maybe this kind of ebb is normal, expected and I should just accept the changes, maybe I am the one who’s too “high maintenance” :

I am perfectly able to understand that a romantic relationship is very important, and I am okay with spending less time with her ! But I never thought the change would be so drastic. I was hoping we would remain close even if she found a boyfriend.

A part of me wonders if my expectations were unrealistic, hence the “too high maintenance”.

At the same time, yes, I wonder if I haven’t moved away from her too soon. I sometimes think that she did nothing wrong, maybe those changes we are facing are normal etc …

Then, the logical part of my brain intervenes and I am reminded of how many times she “forgot” to answer my texts, the fact that I have never been introduced to her boyfriend etc …

I guess I still feel guilty from time to time. For instance, last year, she was among the first person I informed whenever something important happened in my life (a promotion etc …). She did the same.

Now, I don’t share these informations about her anymore and neither does she.

The conversation we had yesterday was dull.

We briefly talked, she finally inquired about my career, I asked about hers as well and she informed me that she was accepted to the course she applied to. She got the news 3 weeks ago.

Last year, she would have informed me right away !  And we would have hung out to celebrate !

Thank you so much for your help !

[quote quote=434393] as I understand it, she distanced herself from you, not the other way around. She initiated the distancing over and over again, through a long period of time, before you reacted to her initiative by.. not chasing her for closeness. Does this make sense to you? anita[/quote]

Hi Anita,

Yes, I am definitely sad about the lost closeness.

I feel like what we have know is

[quote quote=434393] as I understand it, she distanced herself from you, not the other way around. She initiated the distancing over and over again, through a long period of time, before you reacted to her initiative by.. not chasing her for closeness. Does this make sense to you? anita[/quote]

This is more realistic and also supported by the facts, as some of my texts never got any reply and she started to take more time to reply.

Thank you for the reminder ! 🙂

Indeed, I probably tend to gaslight myself in order to alleviate the pain.

[quote quote=434430]Hi Carol You are a very kind soul to wish that your friend is happy and ignorant. I see, so she is making an effort to visit with the other close friend but not with you? That must hurt a lot. I’m really sorry to hear that. Did you ever send that message that you wrote? If so, how did it go? If not, it might be worth discussing these things so you can get some closure. Knowing that you tried to resolve things and hearing her side of the story might bring you some peace. I guess fears either way. It has been a long friendship and endings can be painful. Does it feel like the relationship is slowly ending? Love and best wishes![/quote]

Hi,

I have replied earlier but it seems that my post is still awaiting moderation (probably because of the use of emojis?) so I am going to write it again below :

Deep down I just want her to be happy in her relationship. Sure, it would be better if it were not at my expense, but it is what I is.

Don’t worry that does not hurt that much knowing that this friend visited our city because of medical reasons. She unfortunately does not have much money, so she stayed at my friend’s place.

I haven’t sent my message yet but I am considering doing it in the following days. Sorry Anita, I know you advised against it !

I don’t know if our friendship is slowly ending or if it’s just an “ebb” from her point of view.

What I know is that I am not interested in the kind of friendship we have now, which is more casual. I am not okay with our friendship being downgraded every time she enters a relationship.

I have made some modifications and would like to send something like this :

“Hi,

There’s something I would like to talk to you about as I think it’s pretty important.

I don’t want to sound insecure, but I noticed you pulled back this year.

As a result, I also started to focus on other friendships. I notice you don’t necessarily keep me informed on what is going on into your life, so I started to do the same.

I totally understand that now that you’re in a relationship, the dynamic is different!

But I thought we would remain close.

I would like to know about your perspective ?

Also, what do you expect from me in this friendship ? ”

I don’t want to guilt-trip her not to make unnecessary accusations.

I am open to suggestions 🙂

Dear Anita,

“So, you see, I didn’t advise you against talking to her/ sharing your feelings with her. I expressed a wish that you were emotionally okay with letting it go because actions speak louder than words. and her actions in the last year include repeatedly  taking 12 days or more to reply to your texts.”

Sorry, I misinterpreted your reply. I understand better now 🙂

“Here are a few possibilities as to when/ how she replies to your message, and perhaps you can prepare yourself to these possibilities: (1) she may take 12 days or more to reply; she may reply on the same day, or anywhere in between,”

Thank you for your thoughtfulness, I am aware of these possibilities : if she takes days to reply, I guess I will have my answer.

“she may reply saying something like this: oh, I am so sorry, I was so wrapped up in my relationship that I neglected our friendship and keeping it separate from my relationship. I am  inviting you to meet my boyfriends and his/ our friends for a cookout on (date). Would you like that?“

It would seem quite sudden, especially as we haven’t really been emotionally close in a long time. I think I would need some time one on one to rebuilt the friendship. Does that make sense ?

“she may get defensive, saying something like: well, I’ve been very busy, I can’t be everything for everyone!”

“she may reply but ignore the content of your message.”

In both cases, I will give up on the friendship.

Sometimes, I think the last one is the most likely to happen.

But I will find some peace in the fact that I have tried the best I could to salvage our friendship.

Hello,

I am very sorry for the late reply, I have had of work lately.

Thanks to both of you for your replies !!

Anita,

“- yes, it makes sense that you’ll need 1-on-1 time with her before meeting her boyfriend and his friends.”

Thank you, it feels validating to read this.

“it will be interesting how she will respond, if it’d be one of the possibilities I mentioned or something that didn’t occur to me (or to you?)”

Yes, definitely. I admit I haven’t sent the text yet because it makes me nervous and I want to wait for the right time, meaning a time where I can allow myself to be sad/disappointed.

There’s something that I haven’t mentioned to both of you but that I think is very important : in February, when I saw her after 6 weeks, I told her that I was scared that everyone would stop prioritizing our friendship once they entered in a relationship, and that I was worried to end up alone as all my friend would pair up (that’s an issue I no longer have, because I have worked on it but it’s another topic 🙂 ).

It was one of the last time that I was emotionally vulnerable with her.

At the time, she assured me that she highly valued friendship and that platonic relationships were equally as important as romantic ones to her.

Needless to say, her actions clearly didn’t match her words and our friendship never improved after that.

It makes me wonder if that should make me reconsider sending her a text, as I somehow expressed how I felt in February, even if it was in a subtle hint ?

“- peace of mind is so very important. More important than any friendship.”

Truly !