Hello 🙂

I have some news.

I just went home from my friend’s house ! We spent the evening together sipping tea.

I was talking about how I was juggling my hobbies, work and social life.

And then she mentioned that because of her depression (she was diagnosed 8 years ago) she didn’t have a large bandwidth to handle different things at the time : everyday tasks, like cooking, cleaning, etc required a lot of efforts and as a result, she didn’t do much.

She added that right now, she was focusing on her relationship because it was still new and very important to her and when she would go back to university, her priority would shift to her studies (understandable) !

That makes perfect sense.

The thing is, I felt deeply uncomfortable the whole time. There were many awkward silences, I withheld a tons of informations and funny anecdotes about my life … I just didn’t feel close to her anymore and didn’t feel like confiding in her !

There was no more vulnerability, it was as if something was broken. I offered her her birthday present, which in hindsight was way too expensive, knowing the way she’s been treating me.

I felt like I was pretending, pretending to be okay whereas I felt really hurt about the changes in our friendship.

So right now, I am wondering if I should talk to her about how I feel like we drifted apart or if I should let this go, especially as she is doing the best she can with her depression !

I don’t know if I should emphasize with her … or myself ?

On one hand, I feel like talking to her is a way of respecting myself and our friendship.

On the other, I am wondering if I am not being selfish/self-centered, bringing up my issues knowing very well she struggles with her mental health !

I don’t think she’s ill-intentioned.

I think she’s genuinely struggling.

Any help is appreciated 🙂

Dear Anita,

“She shared with you, paraphrased, that she’s been suffering from depression, that her energy is limited, and therefore she has had to choose what’s important to her (her relationship, and soon: her studies), and withdraw from what is less important to her (you).”

Exactly, I thought so.

“- empathize with yourself and express some empathy for her.  But let the ones she prioritizes do most of the empathizing with her.”

For some reason, this sentence really resonated with me !

I was ready to give up on our friendship when she sent me a text yesterday, thanking me for our evening and saying that she was glad that I seemed to live a happy life (I talked about my new friends/hobbies).She also apologized for “not talking much.”

I think this was the straw that broke the camel’s back because I realized at this moment, how oblivious she was to my feelings.

So, I told her that she didn’t have to apologize. I explained that the awkward silences were due to the fact that I felt uncomfortable during our interaction since I didn’t know what to say nor how to behave.

She asked me what I meant by that. And I replied that things changed since she met her boyfriend and as a result, we drifted apart. Of course, I said that I was happy that she was in a fulfilling relationship.

She replied that indeed, she had not been available this past year and that she was truly sorry.

She said that she completely understood my point and that she would start to make more efforts in the future in order to solve this because she cared about our friendship.

She added that if at some point, I felt that we drifted apart, I could tell her because she wasn’t good at handling many things at a time but she didn’t want to think that she was fading away.

Then, we agreed that it was a good thing we talked this out and we planned our next hangout next week.

So in some way, I feel relieved ?

I think that she’s genuinely sorry and the future will tell how it turns out.