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Isn't meditation just a way to repel the feelings of others?

HomeForumsShare Your TruthIsn't meditation just a way to repel the feelings of others?

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  • This topic has 9 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by Will.
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  • #72679
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I hate to come on here sounding so negative, but lately I have been beginning to wonder if meditation isn’t just a handy way to numb your own emotions and to insulate oneself from the feelings of others. I’ve read all this great research about the benefits of meditation; how it’s supposed to improve your memory and make you more empathetic blah, blah, blah. But I wonder…is saying to another person “Gee, I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. I will send you love in my meditations”, really just a cop-out for not having to actually deal with the feelings of the other? In other words, the meditator walks away, likely feeling proud of the “empathy” they displayed (while taking on none of the other person’s negative feelings, or offering to actually help), but in truth, they offered nothing useful at all. In fact their response may have just made the other person feel worse. Maybe meditation doesn’t help with empathy at all (I feel your pain), but rather with sympathy (I feel sorry for you), and I believe there is a BIG difference between the two.
    Sorry if this post is vague, but I don’t feel comfortable elaborating just yet. By the way, I have been studying and trying to apply the concepts of mindfulness and “trying” to meditate for about a year now and I was hopeful that I had found a path to a happier life, but so far it’s not working especially well and recent experiences have caused me to wonder if it isn’t all just BS. If I am wrong, please share and guide me back towards the hopefulness that I thought I had found.

    Your thoughts?

    Thanks

    #72681
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I am not really a regular practitioner of meditation per say but this is how i feel – my mind sorta slows down a bit, i dont do the breathe in, breathe out thing, mine is more of an active type of meditation – like i listen to some kind of music and focus on that or just do some flow type work – sometimes i just keep walking and sort of flowing into the moment. The empathy is already there within us, meditation is just a way for you to kind of get closer to your inner clarity. It helps you to deal with your own negativity better – like developing an efficient toxin flushing mechanism and over time..The calmer you are, the better you can deal with life and others, right? Its a slow, subtle change but over time, your energy changes. Its not at all about ignoring others cuz we get all omg, so positive and awesome and radiant and spiritual super saiyan blast – rather its about getting closer to what we really have in common and what can be done – a sort of opening up of perception and the feeling aspect – mind and heart together.

    #72744
    Vivica
    Participant

    Moon gal- I know just how you feel! I was in an on/off reship over 5yrs, putting myself through school, when a new reship came along with someone more “spiritually advanced ” basically had been doing the inner work longer than me and came to represent everything I wished for- peace, prosperity (not a lot of $, but enough to live somewhat comfortably), and the thing that both scared and intrigued me was the way he would say he was “sending the positive vibes” whenever I would confess confusion or loneliness or cancel on getting together because of my inability to craft a life together which was based on fear of him leaving of course. The longtime on/off guy wanted to get back together and I had to tell him of my new friend… I am just getting through all this stuff, in case you can’t tell. The positive vibes ended when I couldn’t commit and the truth about the ex surfaced. I am a believer in “true love” and I know that I lost someone who was able to live fully in the moment with truth and acceptance and fearlessness, someone who encouraged me as a person… What I tell myself is that he came to show me how life is fleeting and precious and that all the external stuff in the world will go away someday so you might as well cultivate happiness for yourself on the inside. I think that is the cop out you talk about. Ultimately no one other than yourself can be responsible for your own happiness. It is a hard thing to hear if you have been raised on guilt trips or manipulation by others that we are here to make others happy. Don’t worry- most of us have-especially women. It leaves us waiting and wondering for our love to show up and fill us up. Like I said before, I am right in the middle of it right now, no joke, which is why I replied (sorry it’s so long!). If someone is not giving you what you need, you have every right to move on, but only YOU can give yourself permission to hold out for the life you want. And remember that people are giving something that is available to all of us at any moment in our day. It’s about tuning into the divine source of love- that comes through each one of us- and in your mindfulness practice gently exploring the attachments to certain people, substances or activities that we believe will bring us peace when in truth these “things” might be holding us back. Sending the love!

    #72746
    Vivica
    Participant

    One more thing! The fact that it feels like “BS” lately probably means you are in for some kind of an awakening or shift in perspective! It usually feels worse before there is a big release. Try and not resist the areas of resistance that you encounter- this is how you know you are on your path and doing good work. Remember that only love is real. Everything else is based on past fears/hurts/judgments and usually represent a cry for love (when you knew you weren’t getting the love you needed). Hope this gives you something to look forward to in your practice! Many blessings

    #72748
    Matt
    Participant

    Klara,

    Sometimes we use meditation to try to fill up our space with pleasing sensations. Such as sitting on our cushion, trying to spray fragrance of love into the world. This isn’t really that great of a meditative exercise. Instead, we can use meditation to become steadfast as we experience what is already there. Such as, smelling the truth of the stink that is present, and as we do, it becomes no longer repulsive, agitating, or a mystery. Just empty, neutral sense data.

    Off the cushion, this leaves us better prepared to do more than just send love at a distance, because we are less affected by the suffering in front of us. Like, walking up to our friend that is freaking out about too much salt in their sauce, and their freaking out doesn’t distract us. What can be done to help the sauce? To help the friend help the sauce? To help thr friend release the freakout? Whatever seems right to do, etc. Without the “freak out” causing us to become agitated ourselves, we can keep our attention on the apparent causes, and move more wisely toward their resolution.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #72788
    Mike
    Participant

    Meditation can help develop will power. While meditation you are supposed to concentrate on your breathing and when you find your mind wandering you are supposed to go back to your breathing. The mind would much rather entertain itself with other thoughts and worries so every time you redirect it you are strengthening your will power. This can supposedly help us in the real world when we need to concentrate, do, or not do somsthing. It is as little as not letting something rude slip from your tongue. It has nothing to do with others and everything to with strengthening the mind to be more aware of the present because when you are not is when bad decisions are made on auto pilot.

    #72798
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks everyone for your responses so far. I feel very alone in the situation that I am in, and perhaps at a slight disadvantage as the person with whom I am upset could very well be on this site. Oh well… This person introduced me to many of the new ideas that I have been exploring…and struggling with. Some of my upset comes from being left completely to my own devices after that introduction to figure it all out on my own. And I have had so many questions and no one to broach them to…

    So here’s the thing, I get that people are busy with their lives and I really can’t expect someone to give me more time than they’re able to “teach” me, but in this situation when the message finally got across (more through my actions than words I suppose) that I was upset by the lack of feeling cared about and supported in my endeavours, the response that came back was ‘I will send you love and light in my meditations’…and I haven’t heard anything since. Makes me wonder where all the empathy is… I thought maybe I might explain why I was upset, and I suppose I even promised that I would, but…why bother when it doesn’t seem like this person cares anyway? The situation is further complicated by the fact that it is a couple’s ‘friendship’…ie. 4 people involved.

    I have absolutely no idea what to do…

    I had hoped to say more here and to express my thoughts to your contributions, but family obligations are intruding so I guess I will leave it here for now.

    Thanks to all

    #73272
    Will
    Participant

    Sometimes people use meditation to numb emotion, yes. That doesn’t mean meditation isn’t a valid and useful tool. Some people use hammers to smash windows and cause damage.

    Since you’re not really asking about meditation but about a particular situation with this teacher, maybe raising your real question in a different sub-forum would get you a more useful set of responses. It sounds like you’re having difficulty expressing yourself clearly towards this person:

    when the message finally got across (more through my actions than words I suppose) […] I thought maybe I might explain why I was upset, and I suppose I even promised that I would, but…[…]

    Better communication, focussed on expressing your feelings without making this person responsible for them and saying clearly what it is you want, might provoke a more satisfying response from them. Or it might not. Sometimes people will abandon you and you don’t know why. You may have to find another teacher.

    I hope you find a good way through this.

    #73368
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks Will…yes, I am finding my way through this. I have learned valuable lessons this month about expectations and how we can set ourselves up for self-induced pain…thanks for your reply. It’s nice to know there is somewhere I can go when I am completely confused and alone…

    I took your advice about better communication while holding only myself accountable for my reactions and it appears that I have salvaged my friendship with this friend…it’s a good day.

    #73418
    Will
    Participant

    Thanks so much for coming back to say that.

    I don’t talk about my own problems much on here, I just like to send people good wishes and give advice if I can, but it’s hard sometimes not to know how things turned out or if my blathering is at all helpful. (It’s helpful to me as a metta practice, but at best it wouldn’t be just that, you know?) There’s some rough stuff going on on the forum today, breast cancer, an 8 year relationship on the rocks, friendships falling apart when they’re needed most…

    It’s good to remember that things also turn out ok sometimes. So thanks. And I hope your friendship will continue to grow.

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