Hi Sammi-

Hope the thrifting went well and that all your fluorescent dreams came true. Here are a few of my thoughts for the new year, a kind of summation of the things that we’ve posted, and the reason I was asking about your therapist and art stuff.

When I refer to this being year of big changes for you, I don’t mean the chronological 2017 but the fact that before the age of 16 you’re more or less ‘acted upon’ or told what to do and now it’s pretty much time to start making some decisions about whether you will stay in the same place or put in effort towards moving on from some of the things (anxieties, phobias etc..) that you describe and that hold you back. How do you want your life to be, and what can you do to help yourself prepare for the time that you’re actually able to start getting out in the world more independently?

It seems to me that you’ve been able to separate the home situation from ‘you’ meaning it’s not your fault ‘good person bad situation’ and all we’ve posted about. The abuse you’ve had to withstand has nothing to do with the true ‘you’ but has come from other/s.

While art stands on it it’s own it can also be ‘therapeutic’ to different degrees. A way of surfacing or working through things that are not easily said. It doesn’t have to be one way or another (therapeutic or not therapeutic) and sometimes the distinction is not that clear, but I have wondered about the degree to which your work has autobiographical elements that tie in with the self harm/the way you see yourself and how much of it stems from some of the abuse you’ve referred to. The feeling of disjointedness (pretty sure you linked it to mental illness/physical disjointedness in your last post).

Perhaps it’s a mix, and it doesn’t really matter to what degree. But what I’m really wondering is if these things get addressed with your therapist. Of course this is private – it’s your business and you don’t by any means need feel obliged to answer any of these questions here – but my hope is that you’re proactive with your therapist or at least are starting to be. Becoming more proactive is one of the differences between 15 and 16. If not maybe it’s time to become a bit more proactive about wanting to move through these things so you don’t feel like you’re ‘playing the mental illness card’ as you’ve described it. There’s NO REASON for you to feel guilty about what you are and aren’t capable of at the moment, or feel like you’re ‘playing a mental illness card’ . But the fact that you used this term makes me think that maybe you feel you are.. and maybe you’re ready to move through that.

Self harm/phobias etc.. – it’s really useful to sort through them, to try to get a bit of distance on them and see them as not your fault or not part of you, per se. Perhaps a few moments of meditation where you can separate yourself from them and see them at least for a few seconds from a distance the way you do now with the home ‘situation’.

I’ve seen all of the above go both ways. I’ve had people close to me indulge in and use therapy so they can use their mental issues as a sort of ‘currency’ to dominate situations or get enabled by friends, spouses and family. I’ve also seen people (a friend’s daughter your age, in fact and another friend’s son) work through things and really start to make progress.

My feeling is that you can make terrific progress on all these fronts. Your intelligence can win out, Sammi – once you start adding a heavier dose of discipline/determination to wanting to move through it. 16 is the perfect age to start doing this! So there you go. Yes, I’m putting a lot on your plate in terms of addressing a lot of stuff. I know none of it is easy. It’s an ongoing process. But I really think you can do it.

Hoping you’ll really think about the above.

Ciao for now..

Hey Sammi-

I’m glad to hear that you feel that this is doing you some good since I was concerned I might have been too pushy. Like I’ve said, I’m no therapist, but I’ve seen several similar situations and am dealing my daughter and friends within months of your exact age range. I have time to write since tomorrow is my birthday and I’m hanging with my daughter (who’s doing homework) at my ex’s tonight and tomorrow since my house (long story) is freezing right now.

Anyway, welcome to the one step forward, two steps back business, aka the human race. Not always easy for many of us humans to get out of bed in the morning. I think it’s very important to start bringing the fore mentioned issues up with the therapist as a proactive way of working through all this stuff. While I too can talk about rice for hours (short grain brown rice in a pressure cooker for 35 minutes and is great), she might just be waiting for a cue from you to start talking about the important issues. Even if the situation is not ideal and you don’t know how to change it up, start addressing these issues such as they are and see where it leads. This is what I mean by the difference between 15 and 16 where you start getting proactive. This isn’t a linear process and yes, there will be lots of back and forth, as in life.

As for discipline, consider yourself in the discipline business; having just opened up a discipline shop, business is going to start slow but it will catch on once word gets out (to yourself) that this stuff works. We all stare at the ‘laundry basket’ in one way or another. The small steps of discipline for discipline’s sake (i.e. not diving into the laundry basket to get dressed but hanging things up) lead to bigger chunks of discipline and most importantly give you some momentum. They take on a life of their own. I know it’s not easy, but you need this kind of traction so you can stop spinning your wheels. Also it’s prep for next year since things aren’t all of a sudden going to start magically happening by themselves once charter school starts and there will be other challenges.

Yes, take that walk in 30 degrees, better yet take the dogs out for a walk (they will really appreciate it). Don’t understand why you should bother? Doesn’t matter! Doing and motion are themselves sometimes the best form of therapy and we all have to deal with overcoming our tendencies to stay in bed or whatever our particular dysfunction of choice is. As a freelancer I have to regularly kick my own ass to make calls and send out resumes for work. So yes, start kicking your own ass. It’s really critical that you start the ball rolling in a meaningful way with the therapist. And I think you will find this and the dealing with the ‘laundry basket’ really helps weaken the magnetic pull of your bed.

Going to give you one or two examples of moving things forward vs. not. Obviously not direct comparisons to you.

Daughter’s friend from kindergarten: A really intelligent well spoken likable, interesting, creative girl.They were friends for many years but then this friend started suffering from really terrible anxiety and unfounded phobias that seemed to change every week. This was always present to some degree. In the early years playdates would become almost impossible because she would have a fit or put a stop to them and we would have to leave. So my daughter would only see her when I was visiting her parents since we were by now friends on our own. It all got worse when she was about 12. She stopped going to school, stopped hanging with most people and was abandoned by what was left of her friends since everyone started going through peer pressure stuff and no one could deal with her anymore. Couldn’t bring herself to go to the library to meet with the private tutor that was arranged by the school district and now that she was an outcast in school she really wasn’t going to go back despite a few half-hearted random attempts.

Very talented, she would stay home and do interesting drawings, but mostly did nothing but watch tv. Started self harming a little bit. All of this dysfunction was accompanied by a kind of manic ruling of the household, stopping everyone else from going about their lives. Drove her older sister crazy by the fact that she dominated everything and the older sister got very little attention unless the parents made special arrangements to give her attention outside the house. Needless to say she failed out of school despite being really smart. Finally her parents found a place for her that dealt with these kinds of fears etc.. through therapy and a really disciplined lifestyle. She objected but was threatened with being forced to go. They were prepared to have people from the place actually come and escort her, but eventually they got her to agree to go. It was out of state and so she would not see her family since dominating the family dynamic was part of her way of enabling herself. (note that this was in no way an abusive family). The place she went was a house with rules based in learning discipline, meaning you get up in the morning, make your breakfast, clean the kitchen, exercise, do your laundry, etc.. then you deal with your schoolwork which is your responsibility (this wasn’t a school so this was done online). Very limited time on computers recreationally, no calls, no texting at first. Two 15 minute conversations with family per week, then a one hour session on the phone with family and therapist on the weekend. There was also creative time, lots of other options etc… She really started to thrive, mentally and creatively and carved out a healthy place for herself. She got in good physical shape and was able to get off her medications that weren’t helping anyway. A lot of this benefit was discipline related but also from being cut off from the things that allowed her not to function like family and computer games, and learning to navigate her strong and weak points and take stock in herself. My daughter and I have not seen her in two years, but I talked to her on the phone the other day during one of their 15 minute calls and I can tell you she was like a different person. I mean it was a huge difference – self-possessed and confident and ready to leave that place and move on. She’s 16 now and won’t be returning to her old school but will be in another that is more suited to her.

Family member: A very gifted professional writer who was abused in childhood by an older sibling. Suffered from a few addictions, mostly smoking cigarettes and overeating. Developed a kind of ‘persona’ that she used at times to project what she wanted people to think of her and used it to avoid reality. She seeked out therapy and while much of the therapy was useful, she also used her understanding of it to enable herself to wield power over other family members, indulging her every small neurosis to the max, imposing her whims on those around her and using this as a way to control others. Often very subtly abusive and insulting to others while considering herself a victim, she at times uses her mental health issues as ‘currency’ (mental illness card) to basically do what she wants or NOT do what she doesn’t want like take responsibility in family matters. But never ever admits or is even aware of it. Everything revolves around her and she uses therapy terms to turn things around on other family members who might confront her with her bad behavior. Now older, she used therapy correctly in one sense but also didn’t use it to its full advantage and still plays out/projects her yet unresolved childhood issues on the rest of the family.

Okay that’s it for now. There’s another but it’s too late now and you get the idea. Might have a busy week ahead but I do think you have enough to think about between this and the last post. (And anyway you have some school catching up to do…!)

Again, I really think you can do this and NOW is the time to start. From what you’ve described I think sometimes you’re concerned about what others in the house will think if you do something different or seem to be making a move, but don’t worry about that. You do sound stronger in terms of not internalizing the verbal abuse and bad behavior now anyway.

-Mitchell

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Driftwood.

Hi Sammi–

I know what you mean when you say that you are worried that other’s will notice/take credit if you make a move. Maybe you find it invasive, because there has been a lot of invasive behavior or ‘emotional trespassing’ on the part of someone in the house. Much of your time has been spent protecting yourself as a kid, and rightly so. Nonetheless, part of taking control of your own situation is starting to let go of that and not giving a shite what he or anyone else thinks. First step is prioritizing what you need to do to get some of your personal issues on the table and start the process of dealing. You’ve already started down this path and you should give yourself some credit (very important). You have the ability to see things clearly and to cut through the bull when you see it both in others and yourself (something not everyone can do) So now it’s time to go down the checklist of what you need to deal with and start bringing it up. And trust me, you’re not going to ruin the therapist’s day – quite the opposite since it sounds like she’s been waiting til the time is right for you.

I think you’ll find that starting to deal with all this stuff head-on will be freeing – the alternative is to continue with ‘workarounds’ until they become a hardened part of your way of dealing with the world. I’m reminded of the way trees grow around street signs that were bolted on years ago, or the way a tree will grow around barbed wire fencing. So it would be good to start cutting away at the things that bind you/the things behind the things that bind you. (cutting away at cutting?)
The 18th is around the corner.. Go Sammi, Go!

It is interesting that you bring up the coddling thing since that had to do with my third example (the one I didn’t get to last time). Coddling can be a way for a parent to overcompensate when they feel like they’re either failing at, don’t understand/don’t want to or don’t feel they can address real issues. Or if the child doesn’t let them “in’ enough to help with real things. I’ve known parents who’ve done it to compensate for their own sense of guilt about a divorce, lack of money or other family issues and shortcomings. It’s an understandable but slightly misplaced way of caring and it’s not done maliciously, though a child will sometimes resent it because it’s not addressing the real problem and can be just a bandaid/enabler. The third thing is a very interesting story but it’s kind of a downer…and hard to describe..

Anyway, yes you might feel like a tiny little person alone in a room oversleeping, but actually you’re a big thinker and good at expressing it. So part of building your coping skills to meet your high level of thinking is to start talking it through this stuff with the therapist. Moving through so much of this stuff is your key to emotional freedom that will lead to your real independence.

____ (I’ve adopted your _____ divider thing, by the way).

On a completely other note… This was sent to me by adobe cc (no, I’m not an adobe promoter just do a lot of editing). If you don’t mind, I’m interested in hearing your impression of some of the videos, i.e whether you relate to them/they strike you as real, fake, inspiring or whatever. Whether they’re informative dorky, etc.. This was aimed at students. Scroll down the the six especially Sarah made a Poster, the Sam sizzle reel, and Sandra made an app. Also the others if you can. Asking a few people. Basically I’m interested in your takes on both the applications but also the video approach for my own video reasons. Don’t want to say too much and will tell you why I’m interested after.

https://www.adobe.com/creativecloud/buy/students.html?sdid=6NCS7F8L&mv=display

Later,

Mitchell

Hi Sammi-

Work just got kind of busy so I’ll have to be super brief and circle back on some of the things you brought up..

Went to the Whitney museum in NYC with my daughter for my birthday. A new and very awesome building with one of the greatest collections of modern art in the world and a floor of weird video and media installations dating from the 50’s to now. Then hung out with her and the dog, which is all I need, really. This is the first birthday in a while without my girlfriend, so me with daughter and dog were all I really needed to be happy.

It is interesting about your visiting friend. Friends have a way of confronting us with our own crap that annoys the hell out of us but at the same time rings true somewhere. (Which is even more annoying!) She feels comfortable enough with you to explore your inner world and trudge around in it a little, and this brings things to the surface, which in the long run is good for you, though I’m sure gets up your grill. At least that’s been my experience. So in the ‘zen’ sense, observe what is annoying you about it and why/what it confronts you with… Try not to react from an ego based place, and see what is valid about what she’s saying vs. what she doesn’t understand. I should take my own advice here, I know, but easier to give it then do it…

My feeling is that you are making more progress, i.e. getting more ‘distance’ on your home situation and separating out what is and isn’t ‘you’ in the situation, if that makes sense. I do think that your awareness and looking at things is also a part of the reason the ship is leaving the dock in terms of what picking, cutting etc.. represents for you. It holds less relevance for you now, maybe? I don’t know much about it at all, aside from some incidents with daughter’s friends, but it seems to me the more stuff that comes to the surface, the more ‘mindful’ you are about what’s bothering you, the less of an ‘escape valve’ it will become. Don’t know..

Question- You say your mother doesn’t know about the cutting, but I’m assuming she knows about the picking because she sees?

Your insights into those videos are spot on with some of what I was thinking. The reasons I asked were a) because there’s something called and ‘explainer’ video, that I absolutely hate. Also just hate the word grammatically since it reminds me of when George Bush said ‘I’m the decider’. You might have seen them – they’re often cartoons or a hand drawing figures on a whiteboard. And they often are overly simplistic in a ‘cute’ way, like “Ok, lets pretend we’re all morons, and I’ll explain this to you in really simple terms.’ Once in a while people ask me about them for work and I really have nothing to say because they’re animations and also cause I hate them so much. But these were kind of portraits of people actually doing things, and I thought that could be a good approach. b) I wanted to get your take on EXACTLY what you mentioned which was the ‘hipster’ thing because there was an element of ‘hey, I’m super cool and you can be too!’ I wanted to see if you bought it. I do however think that the girl ‘Sarah’ was for real and really did that stuff, and I did like the result and I don’t think she herself was ‘fake’ but it felt a tiny bit forced in that direction. Nonetheless she and her stuff were cool despite the slightly off-course direction.

Also didn’t like the ‘don’t do humor’ thing either, the resume was kind of contrived.
The voice app was by far the most original.

Hope therapy session is a good one… perhaps getting to the base stuff behind the ‘cutting’ would be more comfortable??

Ok, need to end it here for now. To be continued..

• This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Driftwood.

Hey Sammi-

I’ve been meaning to respond to your last post, but some unexpected work came up and I’ve been flying all over for the past week+. No- you are not forgotten!! And anyway I don’t jump ship like that, even in the virtual world. Approaching those topics with the therapist is important – and might take a few times before you can begin to broach those subjects, but really – keep at it and keep observing what’s holding you back (and keep thinking of all the things you want to start to ‘get rid of’ before Charter school… That motion is important.

And yes, ‘hipsters’ (or worse, people who think they’re hipsters) are the new market, so what once was ‘edgy’ (even though it never really was) is now mainstream (which it kind of was the whole time). Hipsters are really conformists in flannel anyway. So every big company has to have its ‘maker’ video now, and banking ads are geared towards them cause they’re the next generation getting mortgages etc..

This came to me while I was traveling regarding a lot of what we have talked about, the world and the ongoing issues we all have, and I’ve been meaning to write it down..

You can either:

Use your skill, artistry and originality as a shield to keep you from dealing with the problems that haunt you and from the world

or you can

Work on building your skills, artistry and orignal thinking while dealing with all those problems until you start feeling more comfortable in you own skin and in the world.

Not sure how clear that is, or if it makes sense, but that’s what came to me after a day of work/travel. Airplanes are the best for meditation.

Keep me posted!

-Mitchell