It hurts so badly that i cant take it anymore

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    Hi, it has been almost 3 years with my boyfriend. I knew him from school and started talking to him out of concern because he had just went through a break up and within a few months we got together and he was my first. It all started great but due to him having my first, when i found out he still keeps his ex photos, text, letters and gifts i got very worry and upset. Thinking i might be a rebound. Since then we started quarreling. I realize that i have became someone i no longer knew. I started crying a lot, almost every single night. When he saw me crying, he would be there comforting me, be patient with me and treat me really very nice but as days goes by, when we got together for almost a year, it turned out to suicide thoughts for me. Sometimes i think back i really don’t know what we are quarreling about and why i just can’t help it but keep crying all day long over small little matters. Hiding my feelings away from him when i’m upset, crying alone. I did a lot of thing i didn’t really mean to just to get his attention and care, calling him over to my house during midnight because i feel like he don’t love me and care about me, crying so badly that i couldn’t take it. During this 3 years we have broke up a couple of times and it was me who kept on asking for it but most of the time the break up last for a few days or 1 week that’s it. At the 2nd year of our relationship, i found out that he wished his ex on her birthday. He never did that ever before for the past 3 years and out of the sudden he wish his ex happy birthday? I asked him why he did that he told me that it was out of impulse as his friends told him that her birthday is coming soon. But the problem is after that wish, they started talking about their past, asked if they still kept the letters and gift. And the main problem is replying her late at night after we have sex.. That was the worst part and i swear it hurts more than anything that i attempted to commit suicide once again. I kept having suicide thoughts whenever things get hard between us or i can’t tolerate the heart ache. It really hurts more than anything and recently i kept having terrible heart ache and got irritable easily, being pissed off for nothing. I have tried many ways to improve myself, to give him the free time he needed, tag alone with him when he go out with his friends as he complained that i always didn’t follow him when he meet his friends. I don’t even know how to write about our relationship because everything is just so confused. I don’t know what goes wrong in our relationship. We tried many ways to improve our relationship but nothing works. Recently he just entered army and i can only see him on every sat and sun. It’s been about 2 months since he entered army. The 1st month things are going well. I tried to be as understanding as i can and asked him to just go meet his friends and i don’t mind tagging along. I don’t want me the type of girlfriend where i expect him to spend his weekend on me and only me. I want to give him the freedom that he needed and i don’t want to demand much anymore. But things got bad.. I feel like he took me for granted, when i gave him that freedom, he forgotten about me. When we meet, he just keep using his phone to play his games and text his friends. We didn’t even manage to have our own proper date. It always with his friends and its not like i dislike his friends but i just need alone time with him too. There’s also another upcoming overseas trip with him and i asked him to plan with me. He always come out with excuses like he don’t know how to plan, his very tired.. If he is tired why can he still meet his friends late at night? In the end, I planned everything alone, from buying airplane tickets to itinerary. He also feels like he sacrifice a lot by staying at my place every weekend but how about me? I always try my best to clear up my schedule, struggling with work and school at the same time just for him. Making sure he got to meet his friends do what he want but how about me? Did he ask what i want? Did he thought of me? I got to admit i have been hiding my feelings from him about me feeling upset and all. But isn’t it obvious that i’m upset when i cry every night when i’m with him? Also i don’t know since when but he always manage to fall asleep even when i’m crying. It just feels horrible. Like i’m a total burden to him, dragging him down, crying so much that he couldn’t care less. When i asked him how can he sleep even when i’m crying, he said ” Whenever i look at your face, i got sleepy and i’m really very tired”. I really don’t know what to do anymore. Every time whenever we quarrel i tried to let him see where i am coming from but he never gets it and it seems like everything is my fault. I’m the problem in this relationship. I cause everything, unhappiness and all. That i’m such a negative person.. I’m not like this when i’m with my friends nor family.. I’m always being cheerful and making people around me happy. I tried my very best to make us happy but nothing works. I’m so tired that i want to give up but i know somehow.. We will be happy together eventually. Its been 3 years already. But why am i always so upset.. What’s wrong with me. Is it really my problem?


    Dear B:

    It reads to me that it is time for you, B, to attend quality psychotherapy, and I hope you do. Your anxiety has been going on and on for a long time. You wrote that you tried different things to make the relationship/ your life better but nothing works, and you wrote that you can’t take it anymore (title of your thread).

    Sometimes we need help. And the help you need is not in your boyfriend’s ability to give you. This may or may not be the right relationship for you, I don’t know. You will need to figure it out when you reach calm, peace of mind, and that may be only following some time in quality, effective psychotherapy.



    Hey B, I think Anita has a great idea,

    What you need most is a good friend to sit down with you and let you just talk all of this out!! What I would do, is to find a counselor/psychologist to go to and just sit down with them and tell them all you’ve told us! I promise it will help you so much!!

    As a Christian, I recommend you go to church! This is just my opinion, but I know that Jesus can be a great friend that can heal all that hurts. If you want message me back and I can tell you more! For now, just look in the Bible at John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son (Jesus), that whoever believes in Jesus, can have eternal life.” Jesus can wipe away all our tears!!!

    Also, make sure to talk to a counselor! I think most people in the world have done it and you should too! What are you waiting for? 🙂


    Hi B,

    I think what it comes down to, is it all to emotionally draining to him, the crying, the suicide threats. Men do not like chaos, intensity and drama. When you are ever thinking hurthful thoughts please contact your local crisis line. They are prepared to deal with people who are suicidal and other crisis. They will send out a mobile unit and refer you to a Psychiatrist for depression and anxiety screening, as you are severely depressed. Please do this, because there is so much your boyfriend can take. I know you don’t want to lose him. Try not to cry around him, threaten suicide, and please get the help you need. I’m worried about you.

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