Dear Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to read my last post, I know it was quite long. Yeah, I’ll elaborate on some points and write more about them.

1) Yes, I did love my father, and I suppose I did love him even after he left, otherwise I wouldn’t have been so affected by him leaving. Yes, his departure was indeed unexpected. So unexpected that not even my mom knew what was going on. I remember her being as surprised as me.

2) Yes, I did take responsibility for him leaving, as a child I thought perhaps I had misbehaved. That I had disappointed him or angered him in some way. However, I quickly got over that thought, and it was quickly replaced by, “I did nothing wrong, I just wasn’t worth it for him, he loved his parents more.”

3) Indeed, I did become angry. Angry that I was so vulnerable and hurt by his departure. Angry that I felt I had to fill his shoes. Angry that I felt I had to step up and protect my mother and take care of my sister. I felt he robbed me of my childhood because I felt I had to look after my mom and sister.

4) Yes, I did identify with my mother’s struggles and hurt. I saw her as the victim because I saw how my father left us with nothing. He took all our valuables in terms of money and jewelry, and in a sense destroyed our family. I also saw my younger sister as a victim as well. I tried to shield her as much as I could from what was going on.

5) Absolutely. I felt that I needed to protect and take care of my mother and sister. They had already gone through enough, and I being the eldest child felt that it was my job to step up and do all I could. My mother had to take up more hours at work in order to be able to pay the bills after we moved in with my grandmother. I saw how hard she had to work, some days she had to be away from home, traveling for work. I felt that it was my job and responsibility to help her as much as possible in regards to everything else. I took it upon myself to take care of my sister. I felt that my mother was hurt after my father left, I saw her as vulnerable and felt that it was my job to make her feel safe and happy. Anytime we were going out late at night, I always felt the need to tell her to hurry and get in the car, to lock the doors, to be careful, etc. I saw here struggling, and I saw how hard she worked, and it was all to be able to provide for me and my sister. It hurt me that she had to make so many sacrifices. It didn’t help that I knew my uncles were all belittling her after my father left. They took it upon themselves to always tell her and remind her how they had never liked him, how they knew they’d never last. (My mother’s family has always always mistreated her. They’ve belittled her, pushed her around, hit her, etc). I saw how those comments hurt her, thus I felt an even bigger need to be strong for her. To protect her. My way of protecting her was by always pretending everything was fine. Even when I was being bullied in school. I didn’t want to cause her anymore pain. Being strong meant never crying in front of her, even during movies. If I felt like crying I simply excused myself and went to my room, or the bathroom. I just didn’t want her to see me as weak, because I felt that I needed her to see me as strong. I wanted to be strong for her and my sister. Even now I’m still always trying to fix and protect my loved ones. When my mother and step dad are mad at each other I always do my best to make sure my 8 year old brother is not around. I spoil my brother and try to fill in what my mother and step dad cannot provide for him. For example, I’m in college, full time, and I make sure my schedule always falls accordingly to my brother’s needs. I am the one who picks him up from school and take care of him while my parents are at work. Sure, my parents could pay for someone to do that, but I don’t trust anyone else with him. I am very protective of him, and any problems he’s had at school, I’ve made sure that my parents let me take care of the issues. I make sure to always tell him that he needs to come for me if there is ever anything wrong. For Christmas, I go all out for him. I always buy him the most presents, make sure he is happy etc. It’s become a habit for me to hug him and give him lots of kisses, and I tell him how much I love him all the time. (I don’t know maybe this all stems from me feeling like I didn’t get all those things as a child since one parent left, and my mother was always working). I’m old enough to work, to move away from home, but I do not because of my brother. My sister is 18 and she’s old enough to move away as well. Yet, I feel that I need to stay with my family because I do not want my brother to grow up alone. So in a sense, I’m still doing the protecting and fixing.

Dear Anita,

You are right in that I am likely to be attracted to men who need help or have issues. I’ve been with quite a few, and I always tried to help then fix their problems. I tried to always be there for them. I thought it was me attracting the wrong kind of guys, but now I know it was me who was choosing them. I always saw them as projects and I tried to fix them.

Thanks to your advice I will now do my best to steer clear of men who have problems. I really do need to stop getting in relationships only because I feel the need to fix them.

I like the challenge and I accept it. Although I will admit that I don’t like feeling like the weaker person in a relationship. It makes me feel vulnerable and I hate that. However, you’re right, I do need to pick a stronger man than the ones I’ve been with. It’ll be a nice change. I was once with a stronger guy, and I accepted that I was weaker. He was a really nice guy who helped me out a lot, he helped me with many problems and always listened to me. He made me feel safe, like nothing could hurt me (he was the one that my ex always wanted to fight). He was a real gentleman, and while he loved me, I didn’t feel the same way. The only reason I kept going to him was because he made me feel safe and secure,while no one else did. I know that was wrong of me, to keep him around for those reasons, but I liked feeling protected.

I can’t afford psychotherapy right now, as I don’t have a job and am in school full time. However, it is something I plan to do within the next two years or so. I’m sure talking to a therapist will do me much good. However, for now, you’ve been a great help to me and I really value that. So for now, I’ll make sure to always keep our conversation in mind when I’m feeling vulnerable, or like I need to be strong for others. Thank you Anita for all of your help. Blessings.

Dear Anita,

I will most definitely come back to this thread. I’m sure I’ll be looking at if often as a way of further analyzing my actions and thought rationale.

I will definitely do my best to remain aware, so as to become more aware as time goes on. For now, I am aware that I choose the weak guys who need fixing because it is my understood place in the world, that I need to fix and protect, but that this is not so. I am also aware that I need a stronger guy.

Now that I understand why I am drawn to guys with issues, I think and believe I am fully capable of staying away from them. Sure, it will be hard because I’ll be drawn to help them, but I can do it. However, my question is, how would I develop feelings for a stronger guy when I meet him? After all, as you state, I’m naturally wired to not be attracted to them. I’m obviously not going to go after every single strong guy I meet. What I’m referring to is, say I become friends with a strong guy, who has good qualities and is attracted to me. How do I develop feelings for them or know that I should give it a chance. Because obviously I don’t want to get into a relationship only for me to never develop feelings for them. Will I naturally develop feelings for them over time, or is it something I will have to consciously work on for some time? As in telling myself that they are a great person, that I should love them and be happy?

Yes, you’re right the idea of rescuing someone does seem like heaven to me. It makes me feel good to know that I an helping them feel better, do better, be better, etc. It’s a great feeling for me because it makes me feel needed. I like feeling like i am needed. Even with friends, I am always trying to help.

• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Aislynn.
• This reply was modified 9 years ago by Aislynn.

Dear Anita,

“What a well written post! Your thinking is so clear, intelligent, my goodness! I am authentically impressed.” Thank you for this. I tend to think that sometimes my thoughts are scattered and that I analyze things further than they need to be, turning them into something that is far removed from the source of what it actually is, if that makes sense.

“I needed to read this today, this morning, as I am dealing with such forces out of my control…Thank you!” You are most welcome. I’m glad that what I said was able to help you. I hope that whatever you are dealing with not only works out, but resolves itself in whatever way is best.

You know, control sometimes seem to be an illusion. I say this because we are very limited as to what we can influence or change. We might make choices that lead us straight down the path we want, only to be detoured multiple times by forces out of our control. Sometimes it is possible to put ourselves back on our original path, and sometimes it is not, as we come to a dead end. While we can control our responses to the situation and can influence what we do next, in a sense we are not really controlling much, because it is life, and life’s circumstances that keep throwing us towards different outcomes and we are the ones who have to keep adapting to everything throw our way.

Dear Anita,

It seems I am stuck with this feeling I cannot move past.

While I do not want to talk to my ex boyfriend, and have no intent on communicating with him, I strangely find myself wanting him to reach out to me, to send me a message.

This has been going on for about 2 weeks. I’ll wake up, see that I have notifications from Facebook and I find myself hoping that I have a message from him, which I don’t. It gets my heart going in the morning thinking about that possibility. Also, funny enough, when I wake up to turn on my alarm I find myself thinking it is him calling me. He doesn’t have my number, but on my screen it says “alarm” and when I wake up in the morning, my head blurs the letters a bit and it seems like it says “ala*”

I cannot find it within myself to delete him off of Facebook, and I want him badly to reach out to me. However, I know that even if he did reach out to me, that I would not respond.

There was a coincidence about a week ago, that I was at a stop sign and while I was checking to see if any cars were coming, I saw a small green car coming. I waited and I couldn’t help but notice that it was him driving. He slowed down right in front of me because of the terrible railroad tracks on that street and I found myself wanting to step on the gas and speed off. Seeing him just made my heart race and I didn’t like that seeing him made me want to do that.

I’m confused about it and do not know how to move forward from this.

Dear Anita,

You bring up a very interesting point for me, a human love story. I suppose I do deep down, long to have a relationship with a man. To share my emotions, thoughts, accomplishments, troubles. I also long to be that for a man, to provide him with as much support and love as he gives me.

I feel that I am now in a better place, in which I could give myself the chance to be in a relationship, knowing that I have the habit of choosing men with issues. I realize that now, and strongly try stay away from them. However, I do not see myself being with someone.

I am not trying to rush things. I know that things will happen when they are supposed to, and I am not looking for a relationship right now. I want to devote myself to my studies, my dog, my mindfulness and working on better managing my anxiety. So in other terms, I want to work on me.

However, would I be open to a relationship in the future? In a few years, absolutely. However, I don’t see myself being with anyone. I suppose this comes from being single for over 4 years now, as well as I do not believe I will find a man who will have the same views or values as me, if that makes sense. I don’t know if any man is going to accept that I have anxiety, I guess that deep down I fear that they will not understand why I do not feel comfortable doing certain things.

Also, I know for a fact that I do not want children, ever. I know that will certainly drive away some men, and I am fine with that. However, when would it be a good idea to bring that up when seeing someone? Also, isn’t the point of dating and being in relationship to see if you could spend the rest of your life with them? I don’t see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone if I’m honest. I’m a solitary introvert and I value my alone time above anything else.

I’ve had boyfriends who were popular and great guys and while I cared for them, I just couldn’t deal with their popularity. For example, one was captain of the wrestling team. The other one was homecoming king, class president, and played sports. They were both very popular guys and I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t stand that at any point and time, someone would try and talk to them, hug them, shake hands, etc. It was a huge issue for me. That was what drove me away from them.

Ahh, yes, the post about my major. I completely forgot to respond.

“Pace yourself, calm… every day, every moment. It will get easier with practice.” Yes, I certainly need to work on that. I tend to want to rush things. Fear of the unknown.

“If there is something I missed in your post above, something I did not attend to (I have a feeling there is something I totally missed)- let me know.” You did great in addressing my issues. I suppose the only thing that I’m still wondering about is why I feel the urge to have my ex boyfriend see me or get in contact with me, even if I don’t plan to respond to him. I’ll take a shot at answering it myself, and tell me if this makes sense.

When we broke up, he was spiteful, told me I’d never find anyone else. That I wouldn’t do good without him. I suppose he thought I’d fall apart without him. So in a sense, perhaps I want him to see me, write to me, or keep up with me through my Facebook to see how well I am doing without him. But in that case… Why does his perception and validation of me matter so much to me?