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It's Complicated.

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  • #215031
    Jane
    Participant

    My freshman year of high school was a difficult time for me. I didn’t have close friends for most of it, and I often felt very alone. I was a good kid; I never drank or did drugs. But when summer rolled around, I was invited to a party by a girl (let’s call her Jenna) I didn’t know all that well. So on that night in June, I knew there was no chance my parents would be okay with me leaving the house so late at night and I made the decision to sneak out. It was around 10 at night and I was in my bathroom putting on a face full of makeup and finding an outfit that would help me fit in.

    When I finally left the house, I sat down on the curb and waited for Jenna to arrive. My heart was beating faster than ever before and I was terrified that my mother would go into my room and see that I wasn’t there. I thought about canceling, but soon a truck pulled up to my street. Inside the truck was two high school boys I had never seen before, and in the bed of the truck was Jenna. She motioned me over and told me to hop in. I pulled myself into the truck and the boy started driving. After a 10 minute drive, we pulled up to a small house that only had three other cars outside of it. I asked if more people were coming and I was told that this was it. Turns out it was more of a kickback than a party. Hesitantly, I walked inside with the three people I arrived with. When one of the boys opened the front door, he and his friend walked over to the kitchen and started pouring shots. The older looking one handed me one. I grabbed it from him, looked at Jenna for reassurance, and downed it.; all while trying not to let anyone know that I had never had a drink before in my life. She and I went over to the living room where there couldn’t have been more than eight people. None of which I knew, seven of which were boys.

    I didn’t have a great feeling about where I was, but I desperately wanted to enjoy myself. So I took another shot of tequila. And then another. And another. I felt better. I wasn’t scared anymore. Though I was sitting in a room full of strange men, intoxicated. I felt safe. I’m not sure how much later, but eventually a boy (we will call him Trevor) a year older than me sat uncomfortably close to me. I was very drunk at this moment and he knew it. He started talking to me, soon he pulled me even closer to him and he put his arm around my body. He must have noticed how uncomfortable I was because he backed off and went to talk to his friends on the other side of the room. I figured he was done with me and I kept talking to Jenna. However, soon she left to hook up with one of the boys and all of a sudden, I felt alone.

    It didn’t take too much longer for Trevor to make his way back over to me. He told me that I looked like I could use some water and offered to get me some. I said yes, even though my mom has always told me to never take a drink from a stranger, and he disappeared into the kitchen. When he got back I drank a few sips and put the cup down, he told me to keep drinking. So I did. He went back over to his friends leaving me alone on the couch, too drunk to move. Probably thirty minutes later, the only other girl at the party came up to me and told me I looked like I needed to lie down. I trusted her (I still believe to this day that the girl really was just trying to help me). But, this is where my night took a turn for the worst. She helped me stand up and basically carried me to one of the bedrooms down the hall. She laid me down on the bed and closed the door behind her. Not even ten minutes went by before the door opened again. But, this time it wasn’t her, it was Trevor. He closed the door and got onto the bed with me. I don’t remember much of what happened in there, (I am convinced he slipped something in my drink) but I do remember him kissing my neck. Me telling him to stop. Him getting on top of me. Me trying to push him off. Him telling me how beautiful I looked. Me unable to do anything but lay there. And him feeling me up, pushing up my top, and sticking his hand down my pants. My mind goes dark around there.

    The next thing I remember is being back in the bed of the truck that took me to that party. I was looking up at the sky. It was starting to get bright outside. Then I remember getting back to my house, laying down in my bed, and going to sleep.

    I never told anyone this. I couldn’t. I wasn’t supposed to be out of the house that night so I felt like I couldn’t talk to my parents. I didn’t have friends to run to.  I don’t believe that Trevor had sex with me. So what do I say happened? I don’t even know what happened. Is what happened to me considered rape? Sexual assault? He was older than me so was it molestation? I’m not sure. All I know is that I cried about it every night for a month. I still cry about it sometimes. I can no longer stand to be touched for the most part. I still think about it all the time even though its years later. His actions have affected every relationship I’ve been in since that night. I no longer feel safe being alone in a room full of strangers. Sometimes, I think to myself that I can’t be this upset over what happened to me when some women have had it so much worse. But here I am, still deeply hurt by what he did to me and unable to do anything about it.

    #215095
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jane:

    I would like to understand better, therefore I ask: how did you know at the time, during that one night in June, that Trevor was a year older than you?

    Did you have contact with Trevor or Jenna (or the other guys present there) after that night and if so, what was or is the nature of the contact?

    anita

    #215173
    Jane
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’m sorry that my writing wasn’t as clear as I had hoped it would be. I’m not the best at articulating my thoughts. I left out most of the details of the party because I didn’t think they were important, but during that night I was talking to most of the people there. They were sophomores going into their junior year for the most part (including Trevor). Jenna and I were freshman going into our sophomore year. I still talk to Jenna occasionally. She is a very sweet girl but we aren’t very close. I have never spoken to or seen the boys from the party after that night.

    I hope this clears thing up. I really appreciate you responding.

    #215181
    Mark
    Participant

    Jane,

    How long ago was that?  How old are you now?  It sounds like you were sexually assaulted.  Check out your local sexual assault resource center for advice and resources to deal with your trauma.  Depending what they advise you, you may want to get a therapist that specializes in sexual assault and PTSD.

    Mark

    #215193
    Jane
    Participant

    Mark,

    It was about two years ago. I turned 17 this past February.

    I probably should go to therapy; unfortunately I don’t currently have the funds. I’ve never thought of  looking into my local sexual assault resource center though. I’ll give that a try. Thank you.

    Jane

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Jane.
    #215385
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jane:

    Your original post is written so well, an attention grabbing story, talented writing. It is not a story that is spontaneously told, there is an editing and re-editing to the story, I am thinking, to produce such a perfect or almost perfect product.

    Two years ago, when you were fifteen, a girl, Jenna, invited you to a party. The party consisted of you, Jenna (two girls in total) and seven boys. At one point you were drunk and Jenna helped you stand up and she carried you to a bedroom where she lay you down and closed the door behind her. “Not even ten minutes went by before the door opened again” and Trevor was in.

    * I wonder how you know when drunk, lying on that bed, that “not even ten minutes went by”- when drunk you looked at the clock when Jenna left the bedroom and again when Trevor arrived? (I don’t trust one’s sense of time when drunk)

    In your second post you wrote that you still talk to Jenna occasionally and that she is “a very sweet girl”- did you not talk to her in the two years since about that night?

    anita

    #215465
    Jane
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    If I am being completely honest. when I said that “not even ten minutes went by” it is completely possible that I am wrong. It felt like less than 10 minutes. But it could have been longer.

    In my second post, I did mention that I still talk to Jenna. However, I never did talk to her about Trevor. Right after it happened I was so confused and upset that I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it with her, or anyone for that matter. As the months progressed I felt like there was no way to naturally bring it up in conversation. So, though I could have confided in her, I was so embarrassed and in my head that I felt I couldn’t.

    Jane

    #215519
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jane:

    Best of course, is that you share this with a capable and empathetic therapist, in the context of safe therapy sessions.

    I think it is a good idea that you see a therapist or a counselor, perhaps one is available in or through your school. What you share with the counselor/ therapist must be confidential (make sure of it before you share). Ask the counselor all the questions you have.

    I hope you resolve in your mind what happened, that you understand what happened best you can, that you learn from it. Wishing you well.

    anita

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