Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for reaching out. And replying on my last message. Truly appreciate it.

The last sentence really made me think about things, how I deserve to be happy. Without feeling so down of so much shame.

And also how instead of protecting myself I want to protect him.

This last few weeks have been eye opening for me. Things seem to have falllen in to place.

I connected to my childhood wound, as early as I can remember. How terrible scared I was as I felt so alone. Carrying the responsibillity to heal my whole family. I went back there and connected to so much compassion and realised in order to never feel so lonely and scared every again I built defense mechanisms around me. To keep me stuck in a loop of not feeling good enough. I realised that out of my attachment I have stayed in relationships that was damaging in many ways. My mantra was, if only he could accept then I would be lovable. I was always focusing on the other person and if they could accept me. I felt like I let go of the attachment, and beneath that was only love. Love for myself. I reconnected to who I really am. I am lovable and I deserve to be loved. It was a beautiful experience that I have never felt before. This will be my reference point from now on.

It was also helpful to connect to the reality of the situation instead of the potential of the situation. I have endured a lot of abuse. And I found it so hard to walk away as I didn’t know if it was my fault or not, if only I could have changed. I uncovered that my belief of love is that it is about being used or abused. I guess this relationship didn’t seem so bad as the other ones.

I really wanted to be with him. I admire him and still find him beautiful. But when I look back over the relationship it’s been very hot and cold, and often I felt like I had very little to do with it. I guess I still have a sense of that I meant nothing to him and that this is easy for him. That he is much happier without me, whilst I need to grieve and go through the pain. It’s not what I want in a relationship and although we share the same faith, we didn’t seem to be getting along. He used to say that it was unconscious neediness that made him to be mean to me. I realised that he was blaming my wounding from childhood to justify his behaviour. I worked very hard of becoming more securely attached.

I just talked to him this evening. He says that he is going to move out. I still talk to him, and most of the time he acts quite cold. But just now he came in and gave me a hug and said that he is probably doing a mistake of letting me go. Sometimes I wonder that he just wants to run away, he is like a scared boy. Instead of becoming more conscious and open he is closing off. But I can’t change that I never will.

I am starting to see through his behaviour also, instead of viewing him on a pedastal, I notice that sometimes he hides behind  a mask. And instead of listening to the words he says I am feeling the energy behind it.

I know I still sound confused but I have grown so much. Sure I am still sad, broken and down. But something in me has re- awaken. I no longer need to be with people that directly and indirectly tell me that I am not good enough. I no longer need to take other peoples bad behaviour personal or like it’s my fault. I have the freedom to leave at any time as I don’t need the other person. I will and I can meet my own needs and start to appreciate and accept myself. It’s interesting how I have projected my needs outside myself to people that could never give me what I was looking for. It was hard being my partner, never knowing if he was going to like me or not, complain about me, make fun of me, giving me the silent treatment, contempt and never really owning his actions. I just tried to understand and understand until I realised that he is not my dad, and I don’t depend on him for my survival so I can let go. Perhaps I don’t need to be special to him. I can appreciate myself.

There’s only one thing in the back of my mind. That now when we have broken up, he will suddenly change and become the being that I wanted to be with. And that I have lost him. That creates sadness in me. It just came up this evening after speaking to him. He spoke about all his future plans and show very little emotion about the breakup. I guess I still like the idea of him, I like his qualities, and sometimes I wonder why it was so hard for him to be nice to me. But then again, I am focusing on him and not me. I need to take care of myself now and give myself the love that my inner child needs.

Thank you again.

Love

Elisa

Hi Anita,

I can’t thank you enough for your last message. So many things that resonated with me and was clarified. I am at the moment going in between feeling empowered and strong to weak and confused.

I have gone home for the holidays, it’s a challenging period for me for many different reasons but I finding especially hard this time.

I have this strong feeling of being selfish, why can I just not love people unconditional. My whole life have I tried to sacrifice my needs for others and ended feeling resentful. And ashamed. Now I can’t even do that anymore. Because I don’t have the energy and I don’t want to. It’s making feel ashamed. My sister is staying with my parents, which I am visiting. I find it hard to be myself around her as she is highly opniniated, so most things I say is always met by judgement. I feel that I always have to watch what I say. And she has her two children here which she expects being cared for by me, most of the time, and I just don’t have the energy. I feel guilty and that I am bad person. Its like my rejection wound is wide open. And I don’t know how to communicate openly with her.

I don’t feel accepted here, most of the time and I don’t were I live either. But often when I went home I thought at least I have my partner, which accepts me sometimes.

I feel ashamed that I am not able to love unconditionally. I am thinking that if I did then my partner would have stayed and even changed. I blame myself for not being able to so. I blame myself that I can’t happy all the time with my original family, that I making it about me (in secret).

I have such a strong feeling that it is my fault. My partner said that he was often giving me the silent treatment because I have unconscious need to be loved. And of course that is true, which I am aware of and I’ve been working with for the last year. I really tried to become more conscious this last year. Stop taking things so personal, if he went away for days without talking to me. I tried to give him space and let him come to me. I got used to that he didn’t message me as much or showed me affection. Our intimacy decreased. I started to be happy without needing his attention or approval. I’m happy that I started to heal. But somewhere deep inside I thought that my work would make him come closer. I heard that someone said that unconditional love can heal someone else. So I tried to open for unconditional love within myself. But here I am now, feeling a lack of love within myself (although I felt much stronger last week, it goes up and down) and feel bad for not being able to love others as they are. My inner child does not feel safe at the moment and I guess she didn’t feel safe with my partner either.

It made so much sense when you said that I am looking for my unmet needs in him and that I am attached to a image/ fantasy of him. He must have felt this too. I tried to be open about me shortcomings but he never seemed to respond. I wanted to grow and learn about each others attachments or wonded parts. I was so open that I finally even saw my own attachment issue, I wanted him love approve of me. When I saw that I also saw much love beneath that. A person that actually would like to love some with less attachment.

I guess I was waiting for him to accept and recognise his behaviour, and that we could grow together. So I subtly asked him to change. I that’s probably why he resisted. I wish I could just be a woman that have boundaries and could love him despite all of this.

I am fearful that he will meet that woman and that he will pretend I never existed. And that I will never meet anyone that could remotely like me, because I am sad and defected. And at the same time I’m so ashame of this, because it’s not fair not wishing someone else happiness.

I don’t feel strong at all at the moment but I  know I can manage it. I am much stronger then a few years back and I have grown. I’m ashamed that it taken me so many years to realise much of these things.

I met his mum for lunch before I went home, and she urged me to leave him. That I should be by myself and love myself, and depend on myself. She really loves me and can see herself in me, she wished that she had walked away when she was my age. My partner is not as closed off as his dad though and has spiritual understandinf about life.

People have said that me, that you need to be strong, insinuating that I’m weak. They’ve said that only if you had stronger boundaries then he would have stayed with you. Then he would have changed. Men loved strong women. But I try to explain that I had boundaries when something happened but I guess I trusted him when he said sorry. I trust words more than actions. And some say that you should just pretend to be happy and not need him. But basically they are telling me to be someone I’m not and actually don’t want to be. I would like someone to respect my boundaries the first time I tell them, someone I don’t need to play games with, and be open and communictive.

I even thought that if I boosted his confidence then he would have stayed. But I admired his talents, tried to listen to his pain, was happy for him when things went well, and often said that he was atttactive.

I understand that I need to be by myself now and feel the grief without shame. To practise honouring my feelings and creating boundaries even if it’s uncomfortable. I guess this is all coming up very intensive at the moment because I’m home and that I no longer want to hide behind my defense mechanism of people pleasing.

Thank you for taking the time to read through and for your response.

Kind wishes,

Emma

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much, it made so much sense.

I am still at home, and I find it hard.

I feel like everything is my fault. And that somehow that I am unlovable. I am angry, and ashamed of being angry. I want to tell people how I feel and be completely honest but what good would that do? It’s hard being at home here. I have so many conflicting feelings. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be affected by this energy but I am. I grew up with a mum and dad that I’ve never seem kiss or hug. It was a very hostile environment and it always seemed like life was hard work. There was little joy. They talked to us (children) about each other and it was always only blame. It feels the same, still. There is so much passive aggression going on. My mum is in so much pain, which is horrible to see. She never speaks about her feelings, she complains about many things. Especially my dad and the lack of money. She thinks he doesn’t help enough, and she gives comments that are full of blame and aggression. It’s such a tense energy to be around. My dad is quite unaware that he has anything to do with it, he just thinks she is too sensitive.

It’s been like this for so many years so why do I still care? Why do I feel more awful than ever. I always felt it was my responsibility to make them happy. To solve their problems, to be a good buddhist. A good girl. Just take all the pain and swallow it because that’s what a good girl does. I can see how my mum just placed her happiness in others. And my dad did not take care of her happiness. He is aloof and emotionally disconnected. He hurt me a few times when I’ve been back. He mocked me for how I continually find myself in broken relationships, and how I am not as strong as I think. I feel bad for talking to my mum about it, because taking back the power or becoming empowered is something she has struggled with. It’s like they’ve not seen their own potential and then blame each other for it. I feel bad for writing this down here. I really want to protect them but I don’t have the energy. I do exactly the opposite to what I should be doing. A good buddhist should look at others good qualities and not their faults.

It’s hard to describe the energy, I wish I had the strength to focus on the good things instead if the bad. I feel run down and hopeless. I know it will change but I find it hard at the moment. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

My ex partner took contact with me over the phone. He was scared that I had already moved on. I think he was relieved when I said that I was still upset. I talked to him yesterday. He said the things that I’ve been waiting 4 years to hear. That he took accountability for his actions and how he had mistreated me. That he was really upset to have to let go of me because he really loved me and that I deserve much better. He said that he will change now because that’s what he does when he is alone and vulnerable. He makes it sound like he really wanted to be with me but that he has to let me go because I deserve better. After hanging up, I am left with so much anger and sadness and guilt. Why do I keep on doing this to myself? I long to speak to him and wish that he could just want to be with me. Why do I want to be with someone that treats me that way. I don’t know why he needed to talk to me. Just to let me know that he have understood everything but still thinks it’s best if we don’t continue seeing each other. He just kept on saying that I broke up with him, but I said that I didn’t have a choice. I really didn’t have a choice. He could change but only once we broke up. So he didn’t want to change with me. It makes me feel unloved, unlovable. It’s hard to talk to him when he kind because I miss him. That part of him. He said that he didn’t trust me, that once I realised my attachment to him that I would leave. That I was too attached to him, it wasn’t good for me. That I wouldn’t be able to deal with his life. That I am fee spirit and shouldn’t settle. He then said that he had a dream the other night about me moving on and meeting someone else and how hard that was for him. He always seemed so attached, and said that he wouldn’t miss me and now he is showing me quite the opposite.

I feel like I’ve been the manipulative person in the relationship, I so desperately wanted him to like me. I tried to meet his needs of needing space, being less dependant and emotional. I was jealous, that he wanted to be with someone else. And in reality he did have attraction for another in the house we were sharing, he e expressed it to her and I couldnt help but to become upset. And he blamed me for not being open minded. I started to look at his phone, because I didn’t trust him, and I regret that. He said that he didn’t watch porn as the same time as removing intimare and sex from our relationship. But he did, there was a period where he was doing it everyday and still I couldnt really ask about it as he would have said that I was beeing controlling and not as open minded as I once used to be. I thought I was overreacting, and I tortured myself of the pain of looking at his phone. Maybe I don’t deserve love because I am controlling.

Maybe it was my fault, maybe I’m the problem. I have very little energy, I don’t want to many things. I find it hard to sleep. I feel judged and ashamed. Broken and alone. Selfish.

I talked to an amazing woman online, dealing with covert emotional abuse. It really helped talking to her. After I spoke to her, I really felt that it wasn’t my fault. Doesn’t mean I don’t need to heal it’s just that the things I hold myself accountable for was not my fault. The day after I spoke to her I woke up happier than I’ve been in a long time. But slowly I go back to the pattern of feeling unlovade and at fault. There must be something wrong with me that my expartner doesn’t want me. It was free spritiness, my anxious attachment, my naiveness, my trusting heart, my lack of boundaries, I made him feel insecure that I someday would just leave him when I realise that I want something different.

He didn’t want to connect and work together. We broke up and then he realised everything. That breaks my heart. Because that’s what I asked for in the relationship. It’s like he wouldn’t do that for me, I feel abandonded. Again.

Thank you for reading and trying understand me. I hope I didn’t repeat myself to many times. I find it hard to be clear today with my words.

Thank you.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 10 months ago by Elisa.