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It's not what you say it's how you say it

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  • October 31, 2016 at 12:46 pm #119272
    Learning
    Participant

    It’s not what you say it’s how you say it. Does anyone believe this saying to be true. I started my post with this because in a world where people are in need of advice, and wanting the truth how should that be delivered? If it’s the truth and it can hurt does it matter how you say it? I ask this because me and my mother have been distant for most of my teenage life and I’m in my late 20s and have been trying to connect with her again. My only motherly source was from my in law, which if you have read my previous post my bond with her is not the best. Recently my mom has been dealing with the loss of a brother and a sister in short space of time. She has been in the hospital for an anxiety attack and currently has high blood pressure. My mom lives far from her family, I mean she lives in the states and they live in Trinidad. So I know she misses them greatly. My mom keeps a lot in and does not share about how she’s feeling,i have the same quality, it’s hard for me to open up, my mil dislikes this about me a lot. I understand that death happens to everyone and is unexpected at times. But I don’t want my mom to pass before her time because she is stressing out over her family. So I Shared this with my mil and her way of offering advice is to not sugar coat things and give it straight up. She said to me something will happen to my family if they don’t bend and don’t forgive, and continue to not be open. She said God will take things away from my family until they change. I understand there is truth to what she is saying but I felt like the message could have been delivered differently. I understand my mom needs to grieve for her family but I don’t want it to make her sick. When the time comes for her to leave this earth I want her to be at peace and happy. What do you say or do when someone you love is grieving. Should I tell her it’s time to let it go, it’s ok to miss them. It been over a year that my aunt has passed and over 4 for my uncle. Please share your thoughts.

    October 31, 2016 at 1:41 pm #119282
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Learning:

    Just because your mother in law believes she is saying the truth and is not sugar coating it, doesn’t mean it is the truth. She told you: “Something will happen to my family if they don’t bend and don’t forgive, and continue to not be open. She said God will take things away from my family until they change.”

    I disagree with your MIL: death and early death happens in families that bend or not, forgive or not, whether they are open or closed, good or bad etc. etc. I also disagree that “god will take things away from families until they change”- really? All kinds of families lose money, health, lives etc.

    What your MIL said is wrong, not just the way she said it.

    Regarding your mother who suffers from anxiety following the loss of her siblings, you can- if you can handle it- offer her your support, someone to talk to. You can meet with her and hold her hand, if you so choose. See if that helps her. If it does- I assume it will be a wonderful experience to you. If it doesn’t, well, you tried.

    anita

    October 31, 2016 at 2:16 pm #119284
    Learning
    Participant

    Thanks Anita for your response it was short and to the point. You always know what to say. You make the experience on tiny Buddha helpful, because I feel like I can be open here and not judged. I’m trying to be closer to my mother because I understand life short and I want to make the best of the time we are given. I am trying to be more supportive but given our history it’s something I’m working on, I fear if I’m open and she leans on me I too will suffer from anxiety and will start worrying about things I cannot control, I was like this before and worked hard on changing myself and worring less, I would like to be more open but have difficulties doing this because I fear being judged. I know that what people think about me is none of my business and i have no control over what they’re thinking. I kick myself in the butt after opening up to my mil because I feel like we get no where, and she ends up judging me, or speaking about me to her daughters and then they change the way they act around me. I try to open up to her because I crave her acceptance..why? I feel like an alien sometimes. That’s something I have to work on also. I thought I accepted the fact that not everyone I meet in my life will like me or connect with me, but I have a hard time accepting this from my mil and her family.

    October 31, 2016 at 6:12 pm #119287
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Learning:

    You are welcome and thank you for your expressed appreciation.

    I wish your MIL was a good mother figure to you and I know you wish it was so. Unfortunately, she is not. I wish she was, but she is not.

    You wrote: ” I fear if I’m open and she (your mother) leans on me I too will suffer from anxiety and will start worrying about things I cannot control, I was like this before.”- then it is not a good idea that you open up to her.

    You were already open to your mother. A child starts life completely open to her mother. When you find yourself, in later childhood and as an adult not open with your mother, it is because she closed you off. It is that complete openness of the child to the parent/s that makes the child so vulnerable.

    Remember this point: she is the one who rejected you and so let it be.

    Regarding your MIL, sure, you want her acceptance of you, her esteem of you. This is understandable. And what wonders it would have done for you, all these years of living with her, if she did accept and hold you in high esteem!

    She has had this power to make such a powerful, positive difference in you, but she didn’t take advantage of her power to build you up. Instead she chose to put you down. I wonder: does she sometimes give you bits of esteem, just to keep you hoping and needing her esteem, like you do?
    anita

    November 1, 2016 at 3:31 am #119296
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Learning,

    “It’s not what you say it’s how you say it” is one of my mother’s mantras! (She doesn’t sugar coat things, she is tough, but not cruel).

    1. No wonder you don’t open up to your MIL! Ironically “Not being open” is one of her criticisms and “God” will “take things away” for it! You, my friend, have been mind-jacked.

    2. One of my friends would say “Sorry for the bad Karma” referring to any bad thing that happened to me. I patiently waited and used the same line on him when something bad happened to him (it always does!). “What’s up with your bad karma?” He quickly shut his mouth after that.

    With your MIL if something is taken away from her (it will) ask, “Were you not open/forgiving/bending?” you can also immediately say “I disagree” when she brings up God punishing your family. Proceed to list all your family’s blessing. Say, “God obviously thinks we rock!”

    Buddha said, “Is it true? Is it helpful? Is it kind?” Your MIL was NOT helpful or kind (even if she thought she was truthful).

    3. Get your mom to a support group for grieving. Even if she goes a handful of times she’ll be more at peace.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    November 1, 2016 at 8:03 am #119303
    Learning
    Participant

    Thanks Anita and inky,
    Anita,
    What you said about my mom and being closed of from her makes sense. I guess I’m still looking for that connection with her and I understand why I seek that in my mil as well. But for my own well being its best to keep some distance from both my mom and my mil. I needed to hear a different perspective. You also asked does she sometimes give you bits of esteem, just to keep you needing her esteem. She does off and on tell me that she considers me family, and she “loves” me and I believed her to an extent..but whenever we have conflicts she is quick to dismiss that I am family, and says she needs to keep me far, and I am not her daughter but another mans child so she can look at me that way. She says only her children, husband and grandson is her family. So I don’t think she considers me family based on what she says. Not sure if answered your question. Can you please explain What you mean by esteem. Thanks.

    Inky,
    Thanks for your perspective. You made a point when you said my mil was not helpful or kind even if she thought she was truthful. After speaking to my mil and trying to open up to her I end up feeling worst about myself, and wonder why it is that I even said anything to her. I have to realize that me and her are not ever going to have a bond or connection we are just too different, I am open minded and she is not.

    November 1, 2016 at 8:41 am #119305
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Learning:

    By “esteem” I meant what she does tell you sometimes: ” that she considers me family, and she ‘loves’ me” – things like that.

    Notice what clearly seems to me like her unfair manipulation: she tells you these encouraging things (quoted above), “but whenever we have conflicts she is quick to dismiss that I am family, and says she needs to keep me far, and I am not her daughter..”

    If there are no conflicts, that is, IF you submit to her perfectly, have no opinions different from hers, and if you do nothing different from how she does things, THEN she ‘loves’ you and you are… kind-of family.

    Here is another question: is her son/ your long-term boyfriend submissive to her? Her husband lives there as well (don’t remember)- is he submissive to her?

    anita

    November 1, 2016 at 12:06 pm #119336
    Learning
    Participant

    Dear anita,
    I would say her husband is submissive to her, he just goes along with what she says to make it easier on himself, if he disagrees then she will be angry and upset. Her son my significant other is quite the opposite, he makes his own choices he has a mind of his own. Growing up he was close to her but when he hit adult hood they grew apart, mainly because he chose not to confine in his mother anymore and decided to do things for himself. She disliked this greatly and tells him that she feels closer to her daughters and not him because he makes decisions for himself instead of hearing her perspective. Her daughters who are adults never go against their mother for she would not forgive them. He said before when he opened up to her she would judge him and be upset, so he stopped sharing with her.

    November 1, 2016 at 6:35 pm #119380
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Learning:

    I think you are family after all, as far as your mil is concerned. Just like any other family member, you are under the same rule: submit to her and she loves you, don’t submit to her and she doesn’t, or she loves someone else better.

    Using your own words, this is what it takes to get your mil’s love: be submissive to her, go along with what she says. This is what it takes to lose her love: disagree with her, makes one own choices, have your own mind, go against her.

    You are family after all, Learning. What I would do if I was you, for as long as I live with her, is that on matters that don’t matter I will not express disagreement with her. On matters… that do matter, I will express and assert my disagreement with her, just like your significant other does- she is displeased with him but she doesn’t kick him out of the house. He is still family… and so are you.

    anita

    November 1, 2016 at 7:09 pm #119386
    Learning
    Participant

    Waw anita thanks again for that. I needed that. It was like you connected the missing piece to the puzzle. You opened my eyes. Thank you. I never looked at it as her treating me as part of the family by being herself. Now that you said that, I can see that she treats me like she would her own daughters or her son, and I should not feel some type away about it. It was hard to me to accept being treated this way because my family dynamic was different from my mil. I am under the same rule as you put it, I’m no different. Thank you for this anita I feel like I can move pass this now, you have given me closure.

    November 1, 2016 at 7:16 pm #119390
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Learning. I am glad you feel better. It is amazing, the insight we can get from communicating long enough. Post/ start a new thread anytime you need or want to.
    anita

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