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I've been having this feeling for a long time.

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  • #340832
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    I used to be a carefree happy child when I was younger. But now I am feeling hollow and suffering from sadness which causes literal pain in my chest. I am always alone. Even my parents started to despise me. I worked alone everywhere. But I always helped those who needed help. I didn’t expect anything in return but that I can at least make some friends. But I didn’t make any friends. Every time I tried I would be pushed away and insulted. I held the pain back in me for a long time. But recently, I broke down from the suffering. I lose control of my emotions and started to cry while in school. I hid so no one would see my tears. And when it starts to rain, I would walk around in the rain. I liked to do this because no one would be able to see my tears. I feel hollow inside. I accepted the insult others had to me. But insults from my own parents and my sister crushed me. I felt lonely. I felt like a burden to others. But I never got angry. Instead, I had a depressing life where I even considered taking my own life. But I was afraid to and that is when my mind took a destructive turn. By destruction, I mean literal destruction. I created a pressurized vessel that I tried to blow on myself so I would die but it just injured my arm and I became known in my school as an expert in bombs. I’ve gained knowledge that many people do not know about bombs and how to build one. I became very interested whenever topics related to bombs or explosions were taught at school. I even volunteered to do experiments such as burning my hand after pouring alcohol on it. I don’t understand why I think like this now. Is this natural?

     

    #340834
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    But the annoying thing is, I’m still lonely and I feel sad all the time. And I have this weird pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away. In fact, I’m getting more and more depressed each day. I’m starting to cry more than usual, especially at night. I’ve experienced moments when I suffered from so much pain that I cried until my tear ducts couldn’t give any more tears and until my tears turned into blood. But no one ever saw. And no one cared. And I am still suffering. Can you help me?

     

    #340838
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ParadoxMusic:

    I read your other thread but I will communicate with you on this thread only.

    You wrote: “Even my parents started to despise me. But insults from my own parents and my sister crushed me”-

    – can you tell me what insults did you receive from your parents and how otherwise do they despise you (examples will be helpful).

    * I will be back to the computer in about 11 hours.

    anita

     

    <span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: #ffffff; color: #333333; font-family: Arial,’Helvetica Neue’,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: 14.53px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;”>Even my parents started to despise me.. But insults from my own parents and my sister crushed me.</span>

    #341228
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    This reply has been reported for inappropriate content.

    Thank you for answering back. My parents have told me that I was a burden to them and that I bring shame to the family. Like I told you, I am known to be good at bombs and I built a small one and blew it by accident before I was ready for releasing it. The result was that my arm had a couple of small shrapnel pierced through it. The event made me an embarrassment to my parents. They have called me things in my main language which I cannot translate.  Their insults made me so upset that sometimes I felt as if death was the only solution and they would only understand my value once I die. But for some reason, I kept forgiving and forgetting but I’ve grown to stay in solitude, away from society… And I spent so much time in solitude everywhere that I started to like being alone than being with others. In fact, my cooperation skills flopped.

    #341238
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ParadoxMusic:

    You are welcome. I wish your parents didn’t say those hurtful words to you. I wish they showed you empathy instead!

    I think that it is very important that you see a psychotherapist/ counselor as soon as possible. Maybe you can make an appointment with a doctor, and have the doctor refer you to a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist so to treat your depression. Or you can approach a teacher or a counselor in school and ask for help, so that you can heal what troubles you, feel so much better, and be safe to yourself and to others.

    Please do so and let me know what happens next.

    anita

    #341268
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    I would not be able to go to a doctor or a psychotherapist without letting my parents know. And they would become mad if they knew. The school counselor is unavailable any time soon since he also happened to be the coach of my school’s sports team and they are going on a national level competition this Friday. Besides, if I talked to a counselor, there is no doubt that they will tell my parents. There happened to be an incident where my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated and my parents took out their anger on me and they have not forgotten. That was a couple of years ago but ever since then, I never told anyone else about my problems so talking to a counselor or doctor is out of the question. But like I said, I’ve grown used to this now and I call the feeling I get when I encounter this “Dark Energy” which I happen to like the more I experience it. It gives this weird negative feeling to me and it is the cause of the chest pain I sometimes have. I met another person who felt the same way as me except for different reasons. She felt this chest pain too but she does not like it and we both write about our experience whenever we encounter this “Dark Energy” and it helps to soothe our pain. Also, If you read my other thread, you will know that I loved someone, which also soothed the pain. And even better: the pain from getting rejected distracted me from the pain that I was already feeling. But eventually both feelings merged to create even stronger “Dark Energy”.

    #341446
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ParadoxMusic:

    “my neighbor threatened my parents that they would call social services since they saw how I was being treated”-

    – I suggest that you call social services yourself. Be anonymous at first and tell them about how you are mistreated, ask about your options, ask if they will keep your identity protected if you do tell them your name and location.

    If you want to tell me in what country or state you reside in, I will be glad to research government/ community resources that may help you.

    anita

    #341516
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Calling social services on my parents is a very difficult thing for me to do since I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me. Sometimes you just have to suffer through it. I live in The Bahamas but I don’t think there is any point in finding government agencies that can help me since I am not willing to complain about my parents. Besides….. this might be wrong to think but… I like the “Dark Energy” that I get when I get insulted by others. And even if I called social services, there is no doubt I will regret it later.

    #341692
    Little_Things_Count
    Participant

    Hi Paradox

    Just remember tough times dont last. Tough people do.

    Also instead of depending on your family to accept and approve your first you can work on become a giant and happy person first so your parents can rely on your shine.

     

    As for friends start small, you do not need a cry over a shoulder friend if you cannot find yet, any companion , classmates, teachers who interact and smile and show small and kind gestures count. Build your support from those little moments and little connections and as you are helpful and can accept yourself and be happy , you can connect to friends at wider and deeper level.

     

    Go for a walk, do exercises, study, listeb to music, pray, build your inner strength and joy

     

    As long as you focus on those loving and nuturing things, people, connections, i hope you will get stronger and be joyful

    It is a journey to get to know life and be open to its wonders.

     

     

    #341808
    ParadoxMusic
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice. I already do some of the ideas that you suggested. I used to have the motivation to go to school. Now I lost that motivation. For friends, I am not looking for someone who I can cry on their shoulder. I’m looking for someone who does not use me and appreciates who I am. These days people pretend to be friends with me just to get what they want and I end up back in square one at the end of the day. But I still help them even when I know that I’m being used. At least I know I am being kind to them. As for the teachers, they all know that I am always alone and they try to make friends for me but no one wants to be friends other than to use me. These days the word “friend” has no meaning. It is the action of generosity and support that proves that one is a true friend. But being alone has its perks as well; I am not easily distracted, I can finish my work on time, I do not have enemies to worry about since I do not talk much and etc. And I am a nonchalant person who wears a “mask” everywhere: I pretend to be happy so no one can see the pain that I really feel. Anyway, I have been doing those ideas that you suggested for many years now. I listen to music and I play the piano. I play tennis and walk around school cause I do not have anything else to do. And I spend most of my afternoon studying. I have a feeling that I lack friends because we do not share any common interests. I grew up on a farm in a village while all my friends grew up in cities and we do different things in our free time (they play video games while I read books). And I’ve grown to believe that fate and destiny have decided that I should stay alone.

    P.S. I got rejected by a girl yesterday. Lol.

    #341836
    anita
    Participant

    Dear ParadoxMusic:

    I will use a selection of your words but not necessarily in the order you shared in your two threads:

    “I am a 15 year old student. My parents despise me. My parents told me that I was a burden to them and that I bring shame to the family. Insults from my own parents and my sister crushed me. I love and care for my parents even if they mistreat me. Sometimes you have to suffer through it.

    Friends pushed  away and insulted (me). People pretend to be friends with me just to get what they want. No one wants to be friends other than use me. I accepted the insults ohers had to me.  I still help them even when I  know that I’m being used. I never got angry.

    I have this weird pain in my chest that wouldn’t go away. I’ve grown used to this now and I call the feeling I get when I encounter this ‘Dark Energy’ which I happen to like the more I experience it. I like the ‘Dark Energy’ that I get when I get insulted by others. It helps soothe (my) pain.

    If you read my other thread, you will know that I loved someone, which also soothed the pain.”

    I have a few questions for you. You are welcome to answer or not answer. It is your choice and I am okay with both. I ask because I am trying to understand you better:

    1. Do you experience pain and pleasure when people insult you?

    2. Do you experience pain and pleasure when people use you?

    3. Regarding this sentence about being rejected by a girl: “the pain from getting rejected distracted me from the pain that I was already feeling“-

    – what was the pain you were already feeling about?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by anita.
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