I've really messed up

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This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 2 months ago by Alexey Sunly.

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September 2, 2013 at 4:25 pm #41575

Chris
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I moved into residence only the day before yesterday, and I can’t help but feel that I’ve made an enormous mistake by choosing to live here.

I don’t know a single person on campus. All of my friends from high school have long since lost touch with me or moved away to pursue their own education. The few friends I made in my first year of studies, during which time I was living with a relative off campus, I have also lost touch with.

I thought this is what I needed. I thought that if I just put myself out there, out of my comfort zone and into unknown places, I would feel at least some form of approbation, something to assure me that I held some significance in this place. But that isn’t the case. I’ve been here for less than 48 hours and I already feel as though I should not have come here. I feel as though I am the only person here who doesn’t have a single friend. I feel disgusted with myself even now as I sit here typing this while everyone else is elsewhere with their friends.

The worst part is that I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve always been far too introverted, shy and self conscious to approach a singe person with the intention of becoming their friend. I can’t tell my parents that I never should have come here, not after they paid so much just to put me here.

I just don’t think this was such a great idea anymore.

September 3, 2013 at 2:37 am #41616

memm
Participant

I’ve been there, and although I’m still quite shy at approaching strangers I have made a few good friends, although for me it took a few months, once you get that first connection it gets A LOT easier.

So take this from someone that was in your shoes for quite a while:

First of all I should say again: once you meet that first friend, it gets A LOT easier to meet people. It also completely depends on how proactive you are, so if possible try to get over your fears and just go out there and start saying hi to people or even groups of people. Find the place where people hang out that share your interests and just go up to them and say hi, or chances are if you even stand near them one of them might notice you’ve taken an interest and start talking to you (always nice when you’re afraid of starting the conversation, but don’t count on this).

This site should help a lot:

http://succeedsocially.com/

September 3, 2013 at 6:16 am #41623

An Interior Forest
Participant

There is a lot of meaning in your experience, although you many not notice it now.

First of all, you are not alone. There are a lot of people surrounding you… but they aren’t your friends. Slow down. Friendship needs vicinity, sharing experiences and expectations.

Second, maybe you should take this travel as an inner journey. Trust yourself, trust life, trust your future friends. Do not wander too much about your past.

Third. What problem do you have with feeling alone? Meditate about that. The worse thing that can happen is that you will get bored or will be unable to share your experiences. Is that a problem? Do you really think you will not get along with someone in the near future? Friends come and go. In the meantime, you remember yourself, you talk with your inner side.

I recommend you to read a book: The Outsider by Colin Wilson. The kind of feelings you are experimenting is well documented there. So you will understand you are not alone.

September 3, 2013 at 6:25 am #41624

Buddhist Wife
Participant

Hello Chris,

Sorry to hear you are feeling down.

Don’t give up just yet, there is plenty of time to meet new people. Don’t think that you are the only one, there will be plenty of people who feel the way you do.

Just keep going to every social thing that you can and chat as often as you can. Seek out the quieter shy looking people who need someone else to make the first move.

Good luck to you.

September 3, 2013 at 12:46 pm #41642

John
Participant

There seems to a be a contradiction here: “I thought that if I just put myself out there, out of my comfort zone and into unknown places, I would feel at least some form of approbation…”

I think putting yourself out of your comfort zone is a great way to grow, but it’s precisely because it creates feelings of discomfort and pain. If wasn’t uncomfortable, it wouldn’t be out of your comfort zone. 😉

Now that you’re outside of your comfort zone, you may want to recoil and run home to safer grounds, but take a pause, breath, it’s only been 48 hours. If you suffer from social anxiety, pace yourself and give yourself a break. Two steps forward, one step back. Eventually, you’ll get where you want to go.

Read this article (http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/0002153) and now read your post over. Sound familiar? There might be some deeper underlying issues that you might want to take care of. 😉

The real question at hand is, now that you’ve moved into residence, what are you going to do next to connect with people around you? 🙂

Meeting new people is hard and at passive social events like parties, it’s hard to strike up a conversation with a perfect stranger. If there was a social setting where you could play an active role and take some action, it would help break the ice and make connections.

What clubs are available on campus? What meet-ups might be available? Any posters around looking for volunteers to help a cause?

University is a stream of activity, but you have to be ready to get your feet wet and go with flow. 🙂

September 3, 2013 at 7:05 pm #41695
Alexey Sunly
Participant
It’s not that you “already” feel like you made a mistake, it’s that you “yet” feel like you’ve made a mistake. You’ve made an enormous change in your life! That can be scary and tough for many people, and what you need right now is time to find your comfort zone. The best way to do that is start doing things you were enjoying back home, like reading or playing a certain sport, better yet join a student club that is built around some hobby or subject matter you really enjoy or are good at 🙂
- This reply was modified 11 years, 2 months ago by Alexey Sunly.
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