thanks, yep agree with most of these comments. with the mother in law not having a relationship, she bearly says hello if they pass which i find disrespectful but yes no relationship is ok i guess but my parents have a healthy relationship with my sisters in laws although a few arguments have happened in the past. my father in law can be reasonable but unreasonable too and in the past when i had a massive issue with my mother in law he rejected support and refused to speak to me (i lived with them for 3 months) therefore he is not easy to go to and does not like to speak about negative stuff or conflict. sometimes i feel that me coming into the family caused alot of issues and i feel he thinks that. of course i have alot of anxiety so should get medical attention for that. with the rest of the comments on over sensitivity, this is true and sometimes i replay in my head all the harsh remarks made to me in front of others again and again and it hurts. i think what it boils down to after reading your comments is that although remarks have been made and im sensitive to them. i was treated poorly by my husbands family on many occasions that nobody in my position should deserve e.g. being ignored by someone when speaking to them, no sense of respect or welcoming as a new person entering a family etc, being shouted at in front of others for something very small, being shamed in front of others, being put down in front of others, being told that i should of married someone else the day after my civil wedding etc etc, feeling unwanted by my mother in law and other family members, overly thinking that she has brainwashed other people and they behave that way due to her etc

on your last comment about my husbands family not being bad as my own. this can be true but also not true. my mother in law treats me poorly to this day, im afraid to go to her home because she looks down upon me as someone who is not capable of looking after her son (makes comments that i need to learn to cook etc) and i also truly believe she thinks i dont do any work at home i.e. manage the household and thinks her son does all when in fact this is untrue. he tells me i have put a perception out there that i am not a hard worker or wont get down and do any work. of course i do have a chronic illness they are unaware of and this does set me back alot and sometimes i need help or will ask a helping hand to assist – maybe they have witnessed this in our day to day. when my in laws have pissed me off, ive lost my temper and argued with them and said some nasty things – they remained quiet but i have lost my cool because their behaviour or actions have provoked me and it comes down to all the stuff from marriage time that has built up and i just explode. almost once a year some sort of fight breaks out but not many as i remain calm and dont say much if something is said to me but of course it bothers me when i get home. the big problem here is my mother in law she is quite manipulative and makes me anxious 10/10 as she watches my ever move in her home so i only go once a month. the big problem is what she thinks about me and she then tells people around her what i am like e.g. cannot cook, cannot clean, hired a nanny because i cannot cope with my child. i find out from people what she has said and of course nobody deserves that even if they are not anxious? those people then form an opinion of me and judge me and think im incompetent. i then feel anxious around them or avoid family gatherings. one time, she sent someone to call me in the middle of the day to check if i am working or even have a job as she dont believe i work? this is invasive and inappropriate….it happened several times before my child was born. i understand she has had a difficult upbringing where her workload and responsibilities were overboard and it has affected her mentally. overall i cant stop thinking that people think im not religiously astute and of course dont speak the language and very modern rather than traditional so i am not good enough as a result this brings me down as usually others think of me as the opposite (those who are not family).

your last post, yep true i understand the condition well although my mental health impacts it alot as i am quite emotional and anxious as you know so my symptoms flare up due to this. my husband is not as support as he could be to the health, he does try to help but has said many occasions that i never told him when we met that i had EDS so that is a bit peculiar. he has health issues too so to help me out on day to day activities, he feels overburdened and cannot cope so his anger lets loose which in turn impacts the health.

also reading back, me questioning the endless cycle of harsh remarks made to me – is that my anxiety speaking or has it got to do with something else? sometimes people like to come at me as i am very easy going, friendly, approachable and people think its easy to get to me etc

I have thought about separation. That is what his mother and sister want secretly although never told me. I just feel it. My husband does tend to be on my side but recently I do not feel he has and especially since the birth he has become closer to his parents and even mentioned many times that he wants to take her and live with her at his parents. I’m sure his parents would love that. I have been putting up with the mistreatment for 5 years now. Although some of the stuff I’ve said happened more at the start of the marriage or right before we got married. I always think I’ve made a mistake with the situation I’m in and have even cheated on my husband at the start to gain some relief from all the drama or politics. He isn’t aware. I feel a bit stuck because divorce is a last resort. We have discussed living abroad and seeking that option and that’s my hope. But with my husband being on my side or not, things have turned a bit sour. He does try to be on my side as much as he can but I don’t know anymore as things have changed since the child. There was a slight noticeable improvement with his mother and me but she expects so much from me and I tend to avoid her if I can and only see her occasionally not frequently. I was warned by a friend to stay away from her. Anyhow maybe some of that can shed some light as if I separate, my parents will go completely haywire….

I can live alone. Yeah at the moment I don’t see his family unless I really can or have it in me to. It’s possible to live alone not an issue but it’s something I find hard to do or even consider. It’s not something I’m keen on doing either. I just wanted a family that was respectful because it’s difficult for me to have a a healthy relationship with him if they behave that way. I doubt also that I can find something more fulfilling in the future so I avoid this step!

yes i agree with the comments and i think its a step i should take but is it the right time with a 1 year old? the other worry i have is that if its shared custody they will want access to the child which i think they do not deserve after all thats happened. i noticed they are only interested in the child not me anymore.

yep im exposed to his family time and again and i cant sit at home all the time and avoid them, they will soon realise what is going on….the dads side of the family are bearable and although there a few stray people. most are ok. its just the mums side i avoid and her too.

i think i will take this step after much thought, but i must do it slowly and one step at a time and i am pretty sure that my husband will convince me otherwise although he brought up the subject in the first place a week ago!

i cannot tell my parents anything because they will intervene and try to save the marriage and get involved alot and cause drama.

i must also note to you that i have missed so far – my parents forced me into this marriage and pushed or pressured me into taking the next step while i was dating this man. i guess any red signal. i kind of went along with it and when i found out that his mum was against the marriage and causing conflict, i decided i wont let her win as she tried to hurt me many times prior to all. i decided i need to take the step to show ive won what she tried to break.  my parents were fully aware the family were bad and problematic but still pushed me in this direction. i settled and tried to make it work for a few years (most arguments were to do with his mother in that time or other family members behaving inappropriately to me) and i also tried to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem which i lost in that process. but now am thinking trying for a baby was a bad idea because when there is a child involved it can get messy. i think in hindsight i should of never tried for one it would of been easier to get out of this mess that i dont deserve to be in. i guess people look down at me thinking why i let myself get into this and someone has told me before how do you even cope with his mother?

on a separate note, i see your name alot to other peoples replies? where are you from? you give good advice!! ive done counselling before and its such a waste.

yep i agree but after some research i thought legal separation was the best place to start. i think you also may not see the fuller picture either, ive noticed i have focused on the negatives.

with the child, she loves my in laws and spends time with them alot. taking her away from them would hurt them more than anything. i mean shared custody as both parents have access to the child and even after divorce they will so nothing bothers them.

can i also add that i have regrets of a previous relationship before this where i was with the guy for 2.5 years and it was a healthy relationship. i met his mum and she wasnt keen on her son pursuing me further. my parents liked him but asked me to break up with him as his religion was not the same as mine. and then i dated for a while and here i am. the problem with this is that i have a huge regret as the guy was normal with no family connections just his mum and siblings (same situation as me) and i just know deep inside that if i made effort and continued that relationship i would of been in a better place in life with less drama or issues or baggage that i have now. i know it does not sound simple and maybe not possible but i have huge regrets there and i cant seem to let it go! all i know is that i would of been happier with him then where i am now but i know this is something that we cannot always guarantee but i just know life would of been easier and anxiety free (im trying to see if i can speak to my DR about anxiety relief).