July 15, 2019 at 7:01 am #303331
A powerful, dominant (it being her-way-or-the-highway) wife and mother does tend to further weaken her husband and create two kinds of adult children: those who are weak and passive (like your husband) and those who copy their mother, bullying others, just like their mother. This is a generality I make but I think it is quite accurate.
If your husband is afraid of divorce, maybe he will be motivated to .. somehow assert himself with the dominant women in his life, his mother and sister. If you get to a point where you will not take being bullied by those women and you are ready to leave your husband if he does not do what he can do to stop the bullying, then present to him his choice- divorce or his needed action.
Regarding your boss, if he yells at you on the phone, tell him to stop yelling, if he doesn’t, tell him that you will hang up and he can call you when he is ready to not yell.
anitaJuly 19, 2019 at 2:23 am #303921
yes agree, he is being presented these options as we speak because his mum now attempts to manipulate others or instigate others to bully me, outside of the family, aunts etc because she knows she has been stopped to behave like this and isnt allowed to say much to me. the sister on the hand knows where she stands so she wont behave inappropriately again. im testing the waters and trying to avoid visiting much or avoiding situations where toxic people will be present – trying to manage it smartly. but again i have a weak scared husband who im threatening time and again and when i present to him my concerns – he walks away and asks not to be involved and on top tries to say to put up with the bullying!!! of course these things are unacceptable but i am more and more ready to take the step or action against him once i feel enough is not being done and yes your right his dad is as weak as he can be after being suppressed by the wife for years. on the plus side he called me to inform me that a toxic aunt is present at his mums house before we go visit to get my answer to visit or not so that was my choice.
regarding my boss i am informing him that i am uncomfortable with all the frustrations directed at me during meetings etc and will say so professionally but its been hard to say anything while the behaviour is taking place!July 19, 2019 at 8:23 am #303939
Ideally, your husband’s first priority would be your well being and his child’s. Ideally, his mother’s first priority would be the well being of her son (your husband) and grandson and so, she would act kindly to you in your presence and when not in your presence, not bully you and not instigate others to bully you. Life would be simpler and much more pleasant if that was the case.
Reality, as you well know, is not that. So, what can we do… operate wisely in the context of reality, and it can be done successfully. By successfully I don’t mean that you can change your husband’s weakness or his mother’s cruelty or unkindness. But you can make it so that her cruelty will not be directed at you, directly or indirectly. Accepting bullying/ abuse is never an option to consider. So you either avoid any contact with all of those who are unkind to you or you have contact and you assert yourself successfully during those contacts.
You wrote regarding your boss: “it’s been hard to say anything while the behavior is taking place!” and it is true to family as well, your husband’s mother and others. It is difficult, but again, your choice is either to not interact with any of them or to interact selectively and successfully assert yourself.
Because is hard “while the behavior is taking place!”- plan in writing. Come up with a behavior that took place already, or any behavior you imagine to take place next, describe it, what is being said, and in turn describe your planned behavior and what you will say. Practice will make it easier.
anitaAugust 10, 2019 at 10:40 am #307445
Thanks, I have used your advice in a real life situation this week and walked away feeling better and i was able to speak up assertively and explain myself. all went well, the only thing that impacted me was that the person made me feel like i was not good enough for my husband by a question she asked me and this is not the first time i have felt that (she said did you not like any of the men you were introduced to before your husband, wasnt sure how to interpret that) i know that i am good as a person but i did walk away having low self esteem and feeling a bit incompetent as a person for my husband and he always tells me “people think that he should of done better, they had high hopes for him” i just interpret that as someone who is an amazing girl who has a top job, rich family etc etc – which i do not have but in the indian culture this is what is expected of mothers who get their sons or daughters married, general consensus seems to be this….either way its troubling me and i know somebody else or the past men i have passed would never feel that way but hey this is it really! in any case, these kind of topics are being discussed even though we have a child brought into this world, it disgusts me at times! as you said, i should avoid contact with those who are unkind and be assertive, in this case i decided to confront and see what this person had to say and test my behaviour out!August 10, 2019 at 11:04 am #307449
I will read and reply to your recent post when I return to the computer in about 18 hours from now.
anitaAugust 11, 2019 at 7:38 am #307553
“he always tells me ‘people think that he should of done better, they had high hopes for him'”- I didn’t understand, who said that to you, your husband?
In what context was this said to you and how often?
anitaAugust 11, 2019 at 8:13 am #307559
my husband yes, in the context when people question our relationship or question me about certain things or make unkind comments.August 11, 2019 at 8:34 am #307561
You wrote earlier, page 2 I think: “I am the type to make things work and try hard to work around situations”- but how can you work around being married to a man who states: “people think that he should of done better, they had high hopes for him”-
How do you work around being married to a man who clearly suggests that he did poorly getting married to you, that he married an inferior woman?
anitaAugust 11, 2019 at 8:39 am #307563
yes i agree, he has stated this more than once. i am not sure why he states that probably because i ask him why people are behaving the way they are and that his is justification to me. thats the only thing i can think of, because those people wont say that to my face but if they behave a certain why then that is probably the reason or answer he gives me, as i do tell him what goes on always!?August 11, 2019 at 8:47 am #307567
A time-out from the topic for just a moment- I was wondering, regarding the EDS it is called (I went over your previous posts a short while ago, before submitting the above post to you)- why is it that you didn’t tell your husband about it, before getting married to him and how did it come about that he knows about it?
anitaAugust 11, 2019 at 8:55 am #307569
he was told about it a few months into the relationship not straight away as i dated a guy once who i told quite quickly and he dumped me due to that….long story….but he was told although he claims he wasnt told until after he fell in love….August 11, 2019 at 9:14 am #307571
So he knew before getting married with you, correct?
Taking into consideration all of our communication on this thread, it seems to me that the best (or least worst) choice for you is the following:
– Separate from your husband, make it a legal separation and a separate living situation, having your own flat/ place to live, not with him. Obtain legal custody of your child, maybe a shared custody with him, so that your child can continue to spend time with him and with his parents. See to it that you have adequate medical care, that you obtain financial pay from your to-be estranged husband, alimony and child support.
Live away from your family of origin and away from your to-be estranged husband’s family. Keep your communication with him minimal and specific to co parenting your child.
Once you live separately and your life is in order, proceed toward divorce and consider dating wisely, this time. Disclose to a potential boyfriend your health situation and have him disclose his to you early in dating. Maybe before even meeting him. Get to know the man before getting emotionally and physically involved so to make sure he treats you respectfully at all times.
August 11, 2019 at 10:50 am #307585
- This reply was modified 4 months ago by anita.
i agree with this and have been considering this since we spoke but also using the strategies you advised to act assertively. again i see this as a worst case for me to do and hesitant but as my dad has said in the past, nobody would marry someone with this type of health situation and although my husband knew of it before marrying he still proceeded to do so. i am able to do the above and strongly considering it, dating again is a headache as ive already done that and been there so not my thing. i do regret trying for a baby when i could of quickly gotten out of this marriage like the many others in his family who divorced without even having kids in the end….smart move!!August 11, 2019 at 11:40 am #307589
I don’t see how acting assertively is going to cause your husband to view you as worthy of marriage, as a woman of worth, one he is proud of being married to. I don’t know how you can possibly change that, do you?
anitaAugust 21, 2019 at 7:38 am #308821
just reading back on the posts as im replying late. with my husband, im going back and forth with him as he wants to separate then the next minute he does not. asking him if im worthy of marriage and the answers are unclear and he seems to say im not worthy of marriage and that others are right about it and then the next minute he says we cannot separate. im getting mixed signals alot. i think we love each other but things have gone a bit downhill and we disrespect one another, not just him disrespecting me but me too, from how i can speak unknowingly to him he claims. its hard to take this step and im thinking what to do. he is looking for a house far away from where we live now and seems to be making effort on that regard. i do see other marriages a bit like this from talking to others who say that they are just in the marriage as they are committed to it but does not mean they want to be in it…..