July 2, 2019 at 2:10 am #301733
yes correct i wish to take that step but my courage to do it is low. i am the type to make things work and try hard to work around situations. so if i do it, will be hard to get there. i also know that if my husband found out he will decline it and try hard to avoid this happening because he does not want his parents to think they were right when they said not to go ahead with this marriage….he does not want to prove them right, he rather prove them wrong. i see other posts where someone is about to get into a similar situation as me. for me, i did not seek advice at the time from anyone before entering this mess and as you can see im tied in and stuck in a situation that probably was avoidable….i wasnt having luck meeting guys being introduced to me or online dating and the pressure was on as my younger sister tied the knot before me. so i was in a clouded judgement and going for anything to get the deal done without really thinking if this is right or not (again did not know these forums existed). if someone just told me, dont do this its not right etc i probably would of listened but i remember at the time i could not even get onto free counselling that i use to get via my company!
your comment about opportunities is helpful and it makes me think of one missed opportunity that i had where i met a man after my civil wedding but not the indian wedding and he was ready to see me again and we felt attracted to one another and even exchanged numbers. that opportunity for me was a key one and of course i could not do anything with them as i was “half” married. if i hadnt been rushed to do a civil wedding, i would of dropped everything being engaged only and ran off but the timing did not work out. later found out, that i had been on a first date with this brother so thinking it would of been awkward and not worked out. he also mentioned that i dont seem happy in the relationship, at the time was living with my parents even though i was legally married. but for me this is a key missed opportunity. your other comments helped me avoid useless regrets. but yes your right with the rest of it.
i have one question though, why do mother in laws behave toxic or want the worst for their kids and not be happy? i see many posts on here with toxic mothers behaving inappropriately….July 2, 2019 at 5:42 am #301741
About “why do mother in laws behave toxic of want the worst for their kids and not be happy?”- unfortunately, mothers in general are often abusive to their minor age children and continue, in different ways, to be disrespectful and abusive toward their adult children. Women, and mothers in particular, have the image of gentle, soft care takers, but oh so often in reality, they are crude, rough, selfish… what is often referred to in these threads (a common online term) toxic. After all, your mother pressured you into marrying ASAP, does not and will not help you in your predicament. Your mother in law, she is an extra toxic contribution to your life.
Regarding your husband being motivated to not prove his parents right- I suppose this is why he was willing so far to accommodate you as much as he had by not making it too difficult for you to not see his parents, not go visit and so forth. Do take advantage of his motivation by continuing to say no to get-togethers, not having them visit your home etc.
It will be difficult for you to initiate and proceed with a legal separation, but it is also difficult for you to stay in this marriage. Difficult if you do that, difficult if you stay as- is. This is why some choices are so difficult to make: neither option is easy, and we tend to stay in a bad situation that we are familiar with than create a situation that we are not familiar with… unless our situation gets way worse. Or if we become very hopeful of a better future, seeing it as a real possibility.
If you had hope for a better future, if there was someone there for you, where you live, willing and able to walk you through a separation, offering you a listening ear, empathy, affection, time, then maybe you would have the courage to exit this marriage. I wonder if there is a support group for women in unhappy marriages in London, a group of women you can meet in person and talk with, share experiences and help each other…?
anitaJuly 2, 2019 at 8:14 am #301775
i found a support group online for marriage but so far no one is set as an organiser of it. looks all new to me. london based.
yes it will be hard to proceed but isnt it cowardly to say no to meet for get togethers? i rather face the crude people than sit at home hiding away. im usually known as being brave but i guess facing them can result in hurt. sometimes space is good and i let time heal. re his mother, she can sometimes be nasty indirectly to me by making comments or at times say nothing at all, pretty much hit and miss and i guess it hurts seeing how my child is spending time with others and the bond or relationships she is making and her general interactions with others which is something i will miss by staying away. i have good relations with the dads side and usually go to most events. anyhow i will try to work it out but the hint of doing legal separation to my husband has already caused him to be on high alert and he has dismissed the idea but is afraid ill do it.
i have noticed im around toxic people in my life, every single one is toxic. i cannot find one good person which is a shame. includes my whole family and then my husbands family – parents and sister. extended family not included on that list. its hard because there is nobody to lean on? possibly friends are a good mix but none of which i can talk to freely like this. a support group is good but have to seek out on one. i have attended one EDS support group so far but wasnt able to chat to anyone there, was more of a presentation if anything. i guess i was afraid to strike a conversation but was not useful.July 2, 2019 at 8:15 am #301777
the only hope i have of the future is that we want to move abroad, to the US. all of us together and to do that we need sponsorship which is a process. thats the only hope i got, or otherwise get out of the relationship completely which terrifies me….July 2, 2019 at 8:43 am #301793
It is about looking for options, considering different options for a better experience of life. What you do have working for you if you stay in this marriage is that your husband is motivated to stay in the marriage, doesn’t want to prove his parents right, and is willing to consider moving away, maybe to the U.S. If he is an honest man, decent enough, maybe it can work out.
Regarding his mother, maybe you can make a difference in the situation, assert yourself, talk to her in a straight forward, confident manner, if you are able to do so, that might feel good if you do and then see that she responds in a pleasing way, out of her own discomfort about you confronting her. But you tried that before… it didn’t turn out well: what happened when you did confront her (you said.. she said.. what happened?)
anitaJuly 2, 2019 at 9:19 am #301801
i got angry and flipped out at her, was not calm and assertive – just lost my temper. i havent yet to this day probably due to my extreme anxiety confronted her in a calm collective way in which she will understand what i am saying. counsellor in the past did say i should just sit down and chat with her about all the past drama and issues and probably ask her what problems she has with me now, believe me she has a whole list of problems gathered up about me but does not ever confront me on it, just drops hints or looks in situations which i clock onto as a new or old issue she has for example, how i am dressed at her house. one day, i will have courage to speak up if i suddenly notice she isnt happy about something with me (she asks my husband if i do cook or do housework at home as she seems to think i dont do anything, probably as that is her first impression of me when i first lived at her house, i didnt help her at all as she seemed hostile towards me and we had a messy past).
on another note, i realised after some research that i could of got this marriage annulled at the start when i didnt have the child as this is possible if you were forced into it according to the law.July 2, 2019 at 9:21 am #301803
yes my husband is honest and decent but selfish too. he is actually a honest guy and lots of people told me im lucky to have him, but really am i?!?!July 2, 2019 at 9:29 am #301807
Lots of regret regarding this marriage- if you could go back in time, you wouldn’t be in it, no doubt about it, that is clear to me.
Regarding his mother, not a good idea to “sit down and chat with her”, I don’t think. Assert, yes, chat- no. If you chat with her, that means, you are seeking her approval and you are willing to submit to her, to accept her … power over you. She then may give you a treat here and there, some sort of being nice to you, as she probably already did from time to time, but you will know- will you not- that none of it is honest, that she will be talking behind your back just like she already did.
I want to be clear, the major reason you fear separation is that you have a child with him, other reasons are that he doesn’t want to separate and will not cooperate with the process? Also that your parents will disapprove of a separation and give you trouble? Anything else?
anitaJuly 3, 2019 at 9:30 am #301931
yep your comments are accurate, not much more to add there. the fear is there but i am brave to do it and once the idea sinks in because it hasn’t by the way then maybe i can be strong enough to do it.
yep there is regret but it only came across more recently, sometimes you think you have a child and things can change or improve but clearly not. i was also not mature or wise at the time of taking the step of marriage etc – i am a very naive person which has cost me alot in the past. i am more so wise now after the experiences and already know i will be wise for decisions in the future.
with people behaving a certain way to me, my husband thinks its because i dont communicate well or rub people up the wrong way which ive been told by someone at work too. im not sure if its me or them and it goes back to my original post of why is there a continuous cycle of rudeness coming at me again and again….July 3, 2019 at 9:56 am #301933
“why is there a continuous cycle of rudeness coming at me again and again”-
– your parents were and are rude to you because they are rude. Their rudeness was not caused by you. Your husband’s mother has been rude to you because she is a rude person. Her rudeness as not caused by you. If your mother-in-law is the powerful person in the family, then everyone in her family that wants to please her… will follow her behavior and be rude to you too. Their rudeness therefore is not caused by you.
So you see, it is possible that a whole bunch of people are rude to an individual and the targeted individual is not responsible for any of it.
Regarding what your husband said, “I don’t communicate well or rub people the wrong way which I’ve been told at work too”- that is possible. But it may be that your husband doesn’t communicate well with you and .. rubs you the wrong way, is it not. But back to you, I bet you can improve your communication with others, absolutely, we all can improve. So yes, work on that. But remember, it will not fix your parents being rude to you, it will not fix your mother in law and her family being rude to you.
Improving your communication with others can create healthy relationships with others in your future, if those other people also work on their communication and are decent people. I will be glad to help you with this motivation, to improve communication with others, with any others (husband and his family for the purpose of asserting yourself, people at work so to make your work life easier and maybe advance your position there, people in your future, so to create healthy relationships).
anitaJuly 7, 2019 at 9:40 am #302257
thanks anita, you say it all so clearly and it really makes me think clearly as to the situation i am in or what i may be in, in the future! your words hit hard and you make me realise the hard facts and reality of my situation or predicament, its exactly what i need to help me out of this bubble or blurry cloud i am in. it is helping me understand why people behave a certain way as well. sorry for the late reply. i think i need help in asserting myself and communicating, i am trying to since we spoke and it helps but for instance at work, my boss spoke to me by raising his voice and again was rude. i tried to reply back and be assertive but not sure if he got the point. i think he is taking advantage of my kindness or something else is bothering him? i did msg him later and ask if he is ok and then said you didnt seem happy earlier. but my approach needs improving. i want to speak to him or show him that he cant speak to me like that and raise his voice and not give me a chance to explain myself. he tends to assume the worst in the work i produce without realising that i havent done anything wrong and that i was right. he jumps the gun and quickly assumes that the process i took was wrong when in fact i just said it out wrong and ive done it correctly. i noticed silence is a pain and he gives me silence when we talk over the phone probably to assert his authority but this is someone who seems difficult to me as is the rest of the team i work in.
yes can we work on this motivation of speaking up when someone has spoken rudely and being assertive. my communication is poor and i can see that at times myself.
regarding my husband and his family, yes things wont change even if i communicate better but im testing out if i can speak more clearly to see if there is some change at all. ive spoken to my husband about the topics raised here and he seems to have taken a step back and isnt as nasty as he was – want him to realise that this isnt me but them as the problem. his mother in laws wants me to take a car ride with them to her sisters house to visit her sick husband – im very hesitant to do this in case her sister throws harsh remarks at me as they all love to do that!!!July 7, 2019 at 10:38 am #302265
I will read and reply to your recent post when I am back to the computer in a few hours, or tomorrow morning, about 19 hours from now.
anitaJuly 8, 2019 at 7:58 am #302395
Regarding communicating effectively with people, it means maximizing your chances of getting what you need out of a situation.
Let’s look at your communication with your husband- to get what you need in regard to his mother/ his family, you think: what is his motivation? You already know the answer: to not get a divorce/ to not make his parents right when they disapproved of marrying you. You therefore know your strength with him and use it for your advantage. Not in a way that is unfair to him, but use it for your advantage nonetheless. You can ask him/ guide him on what he should tell his mother/ other family members so to motivate them to never insult you or disrespect you in any way.
Regarding your boss, same thing, ask yourself: what is his motivation? You already know the answer: “to assert his authority”- so what you do next is not to submit to him and in doing so encouraging him to continue to be rude to you, but to show him that if he wants to assert his authority over you, the way for him to achieve that, is to speak to you respectfully. Tell him something like: if you want me to do what you want me to do, lower your voice when you speak to me, treat me respectfully and I will do what you want me to do the best way I can.
Say it in a calm, confident voice. If he seems tense and confused as you say that, smile at him and move away, get busy with work, so to give him an out from his moment of awkwardness, so that he doesn’t feel like he is in a confrontation and needs to be aggressive back.
anitaJuly 13, 2019 at 7:49 am #303163
great that makes sense, i will use these strategies. although i speak to my boss over the phone and hardly see him in person as i work remotely! i will speak to my husband although he can be a coward and wont confront those who are disrespectful to me so lets see otherwise he tends to brush it off and forgets….his sister is coming from abroad (someone also rude and bullied me in the past at the start) – again he wont say anything to her as he is afraid and she never said anything to me on her last visit – i cant recall anything major but she is not accommodating to me if i have a commitment etc but thats another story! nothing happened on her last visit because i ended the relationship with her a year or two back and told her i will do so as i could not handle her bullish antics towards me, it went on for a while. at this moment, i feel to rebuild the relationship as she has not tried to but sometimes i think its just not worth the hassle. she is just like her mother, no difference and behaves in similar ways. as you said in an earlier post, people behave a certain way to please the powerful mother in law and yes she is one of them!! im just so wary of her as she has motives and is manipulative. one of those possessive over their brother sisters who will do anything to get their way.July 13, 2019 at 9:40 am #303171
I will read and reply to your recent post (and anything you may add to it) when I am back to the computer two days from now, in about 44 hours.