June 26, 2019 at 9:28 am #300869
I am still finding my way in life after bring married 5 years with a 1 year old but I have noticed that I am always being mistreated by people around me since I was young and its a continuing cycle that is starting to make me wonder what is going on here? I notice people make rude remarks to me in family situations, lack respect and just mistreat. I feel the respect is lost and I am starting to think that some of the remarks are due to jealousy of me as its mainly females. Jealousy that may stem from marrying someone with a good job etc and on top being attractive may not help the situation as other females may feel insecure around me and some may think I have it all when in fact I do not as my health is poor. There are alot of issues behind this such as our marriage not being accepted but then other family members just make jealous remarks etc. I allowed my husband and daughter to go to his families house on the weekend so I don’t have to put up with any potential harsh remarks at me and be in a situation I’m uncomfortable with so I decided to remove myself from the situation and not attend just to protect myself as my anxiety and health would just drop and I will feel hurt. Is this fair?
I know have had some childhood trauma but I am trying to find out what exactly because I know there were family issues since I was 3 months old but trying to find out half the stuff from my parents to see if some of the problems I am facing now are related to childhood experiences and the emotional affect. That part I am learning still but the main issue here that people treat me poorly and always have and I do not understand why? I am dealing with a chronic illness and so this on top is hard for me.June 26, 2019 at 10:41 am #300885
Welcome back. I will be glad to explore your childhood experience with you here, to “see if some of the problems I am facing now are related to childhood experiences and the emotional affect”.
I you would like, do share what you do remember from your childhood, share as much as you’d like (no post length limit).
Also, regarding your chronic illness, what is it?
anitaJune 27, 2019 at 1:43 am #301003
I don’t know about early experiences still trying to find out as my dad said i suffered alot but he isnt telling me clearly but i remember it being generally normal although living in a toxic home with parents fighting alot and arguments between siblings and parents, myself mainly. i use to feel lonely alot and the friends at school did not seem right, i also got bullied at school alot and picked on and never stuck up for myself. this went onto college and university. we never had any relations with family and no connections what so ever. we lived away from family in a separate town far away and isolated it seems. we did get in touch with some family on odd occasions but was rare. i remember feeling suicidal alot as a youngster teenage during hard times when there was conflict and my self-worth was low. i didnt really have anyone to rely on or talk to so was hard. the school i went to was a bad one and so i was around aggressive people alot and troublemakers.
i suffer from EDS….June 27, 2019 at 7:54 am #301041
As a child, you lived “with parents fighting a lot and arguments between siblings and parents, myself mainly”- this is a very telling sentence, lots of information in this one sentence. Any child living in a home with arguments and fighting happening a lot will become an anxious child and grow up to be an anxious adult. In that home, a child does not feel safe and is alert to the next argument happening, the next fight, alert to signs that an argument may be starting at any time because of this or that. The child’s attention becomes focused on those signs, on what this person said and what that person just did that may bring about the next aggression, that is, an argument/ fight.
Add to it an abundance of aggressive people in school, being bullied by them and elsewhere, and the result: anxiety and acute alertness: where is the next danger, the next aggression, you keep looking for it, so to be prepared, not surprised, not as hurt as you would be if it came as a surprise.
Fast forward, you get married and your husband’s mother disapproves of the marriage- a problem for any young wife, a big problem for an anxious wife who is alert to danger, to the next act of aggression. There is a party you shared about, you said “Hi” and the response was that you should use a traditional greeting, not a hi. A person not anxious may not be troubled by it, or dislike the response, but not troubled much. But you were very troubled by it, very upset.
In other words, having grown up in an aggressive home leads to an over sensitivity to any comment that is not well thought of, any comment said in a tone of voice that is not soft and friendly. I am not saying that you have not been mistreated by your husband’s family, I am saying that your reaction is often exaggerated when the person talking to you is not abusive but .. thoughtless.
Adult children often look for … that something horrible in their childhood that brought about their intense anxiety and troubles in life, something they forgot.. not realizing that living in an aggressive household is bad enough. Children do not do well growing up in an aggressive home.
Not all children react the same to growing up in an aggressive home, they use different coping strategies, some become obedient and angry, others aggressive…and angry, yet others shut off and live in their own world of make believe. Regardless of the coping strategy, all children get damaged in an aggressive home.
You wrote in an earlier thread that your husband’s parents don’t have a relationship with your parents, that they do not invite your parents to family events, that your parents are “not happy with this and feel upset.. they get very upset and irritated by this”-
– but they were very upset and irritated before this, when you were a child, this is why they engaged in lots of arguing and fighting.
– I say, it is a good thing that your parents in law do not invite your mother to family events, why have conflicts, arguments and fights. It is definitely a good idea for you to not have your mother/ parents in your home.
It reads like your father in law is more reasonable than his wife. Maybe you can open up to him a bit, maybe he will help you in regard to your contacts with his wife, and other extended family members.
Reads to me that your husband’s family may not be .. as bad as your own, no arguments and fights you shared about with his family. What do you think?
anitaJune 27, 2019 at 11:20 am #301075
I read about EDS in the mayo clinic website as well as in Wikipedia. Wikipedia has a long entry on EDS, Ehlers-Danlos Syndromes, a group of syndromes in which every group in itself includes varying severities of symptoms. The management portion in Wikipedia is informative. It is very necessary to be Mindful about moving the body, being careful to not move the overly flexible joints too far this way or that way. Also, being mindful to not injure the overly stretchy/ weak skin. I sure hope your husband understands how important it is to protect your emotional health, so that you are able to be as … expertly mindful/ attentive as you need to be.
anitaJune 28, 2019 at 2:12 am #301169
thanks, yep agree with most of these comments. with the mother in law not having a relationship, she bearly says hello if they pass which i find disrespectful but yes no relationship is ok i guess but my parents have a healthy relationship with my sisters in laws although a few arguments have happened in the past. my father in law can be reasonable but unreasonable too and in the past when i had a massive issue with my mother in law he rejected support and refused to speak to me (i lived with them for 3 months) therefore he is not easy to go to and does not like to speak about negative stuff or conflict. sometimes i feel that me coming into the family caused alot of issues and i feel he thinks that. of course i have alot of anxiety so should get medical attention for that. with the rest of the comments on over sensitivity, this is true and sometimes i replay in my head all the harsh remarks made to me in front of others again and again and it hurts. i think what it boils down to after reading your comments is that although remarks have been made and im sensitive to them. i was treated poorly by my husbands family on many occasions that nobody in my position should deserve e.g. being ignored by someone when speaking to them, no sense of respect or welcoming as a new person entering a family etc, being shouted at in front of others for something very small, being shamed in front of others, being put down in front of others, being told that i should of married someone else the day after my civil wedding etc etc, feeling unwanted by my mother in law and other family members, overly thinking that she has brainwashed other people and they behave that way due to her etc
on your last comment about my husbands family not being bad as my own. this can be true but also not true. my mother in law treats me poorly to this day, im afraid to go to her home because she looks down upon me as someone who is not capable of looking after her son (makes comments that i need to learn to cook etc) and i also truly believe she thinks i dont do any work at home i.e. manage the household and thinks her son does all when in fact this is untrue. he tells me i have put a perception out there that i am not a hard worker or wont get down and do any work. of course i do have a chronic illness they are unaware of and this does set me back alot and sometimes i need help or will ask a helping hand to assist – maybe they have witnessed this in our day to day. when my in laws have pissed me off, ive lost my temper and argued with them and said some nasty things – they remained quiet but i have lost my cool because their behaviour or actions have provoked me and it comes down to all the stuff from marriage time that has built up and i just explode. almost once a year some sort of fight breaks out but not many as i remain calm and dont say much if something is said to me but of course it bothers me when i get home. the big problem here is my mother in law she is quite manipulative and makes me anxious 10/10 as she watches my ever move in her home so i only go once a month. the big problem is what she thinks about me and she then tells people around her what i am like e.g. cannot cook, cannot clean, hired a nanny because i cannot cope with my child. i find out from people what she has said and of course nobody deserves that even if they are not anxious? those people then form an opinion of me and judge me and think im incompetent. i then feel anxious around them or avoid family gatherings. one time, she sent someone to call me in the middle of the day to check if i am working or even have a job as she dont believe i work? this is invasive and inappropriate….it happened several times before my child was born. i understand she has had a difficult upbringing where her workload and responsibilities were overboard and it has affected her mentally. overall i cant stop thinking that people think im not religiously astute and of course dont speak the language and very modern rather than traditional so i am not good enough as a result this brings me down as usually others think of me as the opposite (those who are not family).
your last post, yep true i understand the condition well although my mental health impacts it alot as i am quite emotional and anxious as you know so my symptoms flare up due to this. my husband is not as support as he could be to the health, he does try to help but has said many occasions that i never told him when we met that i had EDS so that is a bit peculiar. he has health issues too so to help me out on day to day activities, he feels overburdened and cannot cope so his anger lets loose which in turn impacts the health.
also reading back, me questioning the endless cycle of harsh remarks made to me – is that my anxiety speaking or has it got to do with something else? sometimes people like to come at me as i am very easy going, friendly, approachable and people think its easy to get to me etcJune 28, 2019 at 6:24 am #301201
Earlier on you expressed that the only time your husband was on your side and not on his family’s side was when he married you against his mother’s wishes. But after the marriage, he has not been on your side. This is a very important thing to keep in mind.
From your posts, particularly the most recent, it is quite clear to me that you are a reasonable person. Your anxiety does not cloud your perception of reality and your husband’s family disrespects you and mistreats you, from ignoring your presence, to making insulting comments to you and behind your back, and have done so for four or five years.
Putting the two together: your husband not being on your side and his family mistreating you, I don’t think you owe your husband to continue this marriage. I think that you are ethically justified to separate from him and his family.
His family and him are one unit, so to separate from them, you have to separate from him.
This may be impossible or seem like an impossibility, but consider it, maybe it is possible and maybe it is a good idea: to never, ever be in the presence of any of his family members again!
If separation is what it takes to free yourself from mistreatment, then be it. What do you think?
June 29, 2019 at 6:31 am #301331
- This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by anita.
I have thought about separation. That is what his mother and sister want secretly although never told me. I just feel it. My husband does tend to be on my side but recently I do not feel he has and especially since the birth he has become closer to his parents and even mentioned many times that he wants to take her and live with her at his parents. I’m sure his parents would love that. I have been putting up with the mistreatment for 5 years now. Although some of the stuff I’ve said happened more at the start of the marriage or right before we got married. I always think I’ve made a mistake with the situation I’m in and have even cheated on my husband at the start to gain some relief from all the drama or politics. He isn’t aware. I feel a bit stuck because divorce is a last resort. We have discussed living abroad and seeking that option and that’s my hope. But with my husband being on my side or not, things have turned a bit sour. He does try to be on my side as much as he can but I don’t know anymore as things have changed since the child. There was a slight noticeable improvement with his mother and me but she expects so much from me and I tend to avoid her if I can and only see her occasionally not frequently. I was warned by a friend to stay away from her. Anyhow maybe some of that can shed some light as if I separate, my parents will go completely haywire….June 29, 2019 at 6:38 am #301333
If you separated, will you be living with your parents (a terrible idea), or would you be able to live alone, in your own flat perhaps (you work, and may receive spousal support), with your daughter, sharing custody perhaps with your husband (and having no contact with his family whatsoever)?
anitaJune 29, 2019 at 7:33 am #301351
I can live alone. Yeah at the moment I don’t see his family unless I really can or have it in me to. It’s possible to live alone not an issue but it’s something I find hard to do or even consider. It’s not something I’m keen on doing either. I just wanted a family that was respectful because it’s difficult for me to have a a healthy relationship with him if they behave that way. I doubt also that I can find something more fulfilling in the future so I avoid this step!June 29, 2019 at 8:45 am #301357
“I doubt also that I can find something more fulfilling in the future so I avoid this step!”-
– but this marriage to this man-and-his-family is not a problem of not being fulfilling as it is a problem of you suffering.
Whatever it takes for you to suffer less, to no longer suffer what is not necessary (your health is unfortunately something you can’t help but suffer, and best you can do is minimize that suffering)-
– if it is a suffering that you can avoid or prevent- do so.
You have been avoiding being around his family, but suffering nonetheless, because there is always something happening, or about to happen and you find yourself exposed to them again and again.
anitaJune 30, 2019 at 4:10 am #301419
yes i agree with the comments and i think its a step i should take but is it the right time with a 1 year old? the other worry i have is that if its shared custody they will want access to the child which i think they do not deserve after all thats happened. i noticed they are only interested in the child not me anymore.
yep im exposed to his family time and again and i cant sit at home all the time and avoid them, they will soon realise what is going on….the dads side of the family are bearable and although there a few stray people. most are ok. its just the mums side i avoid and her too.
i think i will take this step after much thought, but i must do it slowly and one step at a time and i am pretty sure that my husband will convince me otherwise although he brought up the subject in the first place a week ago!
i cannot tell my parents anything because they will intervene and try to save the marriage and get involved alot and cause drama.
i must also note to you that i have missed so far – my parents forced me into this marriage and pushed or pressured me into taking the next step while i was dating this man. i guess any red signal. i kind of went along with it and when i found out that his mum was against the marriage and causing conflict, i decided i wont let her win as she tried to hurt me many times prior to all. i decided i need to take the step to show ive won what she tried to break. my parents were fully aware the family were bad and problematic but still pushed me in this direction. i settled and tried to make it work for a few years (most arguments were to do with his mother in that time or other family members behaving inappropriately to me) and i also tried to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem which i lost in that process. but now am thinking trying for a baby was a bad idea because when there is a child involved it can get messy. i think in hindsight i should of never tried for one it would of been easier to get out of this mess that i dont deserve to be in. i guess people look down at me thinking why i let myself get into this and someone has told me before how do you even cope with his mother?
on a separate note, i see your name alot to other peoples replies? where are you from? you give good advice!! ive done counselling before and its such a waste.June 30, 2019 at 6:10 am #301441
Yes, I am a very active member and have been for over four years, learned a lot and I keep learning. I live in the US but was born and grew up elsewhere. Thank you for the compliment.
You wrote: “the other worry I have is that if its shared custody they will want access to the child”- but they have access to the child when your husband takes her to his parents’ home, don’t they? What access are you worried about, in case you get a divorce?
You are in a difficult situation: you can’t count on your parents to help you or even be on your side, and therefore none of your family of origin is of help, if I understand correctly. What you do have on your side then is your job and your legal rights in the UK. I think it is best that you gather information on divorcing, then see a competent, effective and hard working divorce lawyer and proceed.
Regarding who wins, you or his mother, as is- you are losing. What I would do, if I was you, would be to research and gather information on the process of divorce without telling your husband or anyone else, see a lawyer, without telling him and follow the lawyer’s counsel with minimal drama. Divorce him step by step strictly according to legal counsel, with a pragmatic and cold attitude all through the process.
What do you think?
July 1, 2019 at 6:35 am #301569
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.
yep i agree but after some research i thought legal separation was the best place to start. i think you also may not see the fuller picture either, ive noticed i have focused on the negatives.
with the child, she loves my in laws and spends time with them alot. taking her away from them would hurt them more than anything. i mean shared custody as both parents have access to the child and even after divorce they will so nothing bothers them.
can i also add that i have regrets of a previous relationship before this where i was with the guy for 2.5 years and it was a healthy relationship. i met his mum and she wasnt keen on her son pursuing me further. my parents liked him but asked me to break up with him as his religion was not the same as mine. and then i dated for a while and here i am. the problem with this is that i have a huge regret as the guy was normal with no family connections just his mum and siblings (same situation as me) and i just know deep inside that if i made effort and continued that relationship i would of been in a better place in life with less drama or issues or baggage that i have now. i know it does not sound simple and maybe not possible but i have huge regrets there and i cant seem to let it go! all i know is that i would of been happier with him then where i am now but i know this is something that we cannot always guarantee but i just know life would of been easier and anxiety free (im trying to see if i can speak to my DR about anxiety relief).July 1, 2019 at 9:27 am #301599
Regarding your regret about your previous relationship: unless that man is available for you currently, there is no practical use of this regret. Thing about pointless regret is this: most people miss out on a lot of opportunities in life, wasting a lot of their youths and years afterward in misery, be it the quiet desperation kind or the loud kind.
Wasted opportunities, youth and resources are the rule, not the exception. As you focus on that one man as an opportunity for a healthy marriage, you are not seeing the many other opportunities you missed, the men you met that could have been good husbands (and whose parents would have approved of you).
We don’t regret many of the opportunities that we missed because we are not aware of them; we regret the one or the few opportunities that we are aware of them.
Taking this into consideration, I view my personal regrets, my personal waste of youth, resources, time as the human condition, it makes it … less tragic.
Take your life situation as it is now and do all you can to make it better. So if I understand correctly, you are thinking of going the legal separation route and establishing shared custody of your child. When your to- be estranged husband has custody of your child, he will visit his parents and so the relationship between your child and her grandparents will continue, and that will be to the benefit of your child. Did I understand correctly?
- This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by anita.