Dear pineomj1:

Can you tell me about the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) you attended. I did and it worked very well for me. I am trying to get a clue as to where you can go from here, and thinking maybe there is a clue in that experience.

What was your experience in therapy? How long did it last, what was your impression of the therapist, etc.?

anita

Dear Martin:

So the few sessions of counseling were of no significance to you.

I re-read your original post. You wrote there: “my problem is that after going to college and getting this job I have done better for myself then my mother at least which was a goal when I was a child.”

It seems like you had a goal (past tense) to do better for yourself than your mother (do you mean financially? Please explain)- and you achieved that goal. And now you are goal-less. Is that correct?

anita

Dear Martin:

In your original post you wrote: ” I am a 27 year old male who seems to have the cynicism of an elderly person who is sick of everything when it comes to people, work, and life in general.”

This is what I am suggesting: instead of coming up with a goal, reconnect with that young boy that you were, the one that was curious and present in the moment, the one who was hopeful, the one who was young.

The concept of a “Beginner’s Mind” is about peeling off that “cynicism of an elderly person who is sick of everything…” and seeing your life as is, with a child’s mind, a beginner’s mind; from the very beginning.

Mindfulness- the paying attention to what you sense (sight, sound, touch etc); paying attention to what is going on around you and inside you- is a necessary skill in the quest to reconnect with that youthful spark, attitude.

These two things, A Beginner’s Mind and Mindfulness are things I learned in my therapy.

anita

Dear Martin:

From my experience, those repressed memories are held tight in the brain, in tightly wound knots, so to speak. My memories are returning in such small, tiny dosages, and not the scary ones, but the pleasant ones instead (those repressed with the scary ones). I did have a few flashes of scary experiences but they were very short in duration and not overwhelming.

I too used to worry about being scared, overwhelmed by memories, if unleashed. Again, it is my personal experience that it is not so. The same brain that repressed the memories, the emotional memories (and in my case I remember very little of my history), does an excellent job- consistent with the aim of self preservation, at not overwhelming me.

And there is a very gradual calming of my mind in the process. A very gradual process.

anita

Hello Martin,

I have a few questions. How close are you to your mother?

I had worked many jobs, and had many relationships.

What kind of relationships? Do you have any close friends? If these are intimate relationships, why did they end?

I went to college for something I thought I would enjoy because it was what I did to entertain myself most of the time anyways…

Why don’t you enjoy this anymore? Why didn’t you enjoy this new job?

All the hobbies I once enjoyed now do nothing for me.

Why do these hobbies no longer entertain you?

I can’t seem to find purpose in my life.

What purpose would fulfill you?

..the feeling comes in waves so I could have a good day and feel like I don’t need help and then the next day I could not want to wake up or do anything…

Do you have anyone that supports you? Anyone that is there for you, that encourages you, that engages you?

I feel as though I have no purpose and it wouldn’t change the world if I just disappeared..”

What change would you like to make upon the world? How do you wish to be remembered? What do you want to be known for?

Joshua,

Martin,

Wanting to do better than the previous generation is natural, but it comes from a place of suffering, a survival mentality. It’s understandable that you want more out of life than that. But you need to change the way that you think. In a survival mentality you are thinking how everything benefits you, personally. This could be why pursuing more money has little appeal to you, you may be comfortable in the work that you do, but the downside is, you are feeling unfulfilled in doing it. Because it’s personally motivated, you are weighing the effort versus the reward. But the only true meaning and lasting legacy we make, does not come from only ourselves.

I know you have had trouble in this area, because you haven’t had a strong support base behind you. No one has ever truly been there for you, unconditionally. It’s understandable why you are afraid to open up in relationships, why you fear rejection, why you fear being alone. You desire a deep connection with others, but you let fear get in the way of progress, because you were discarded in the past. You feel unworthy of being accepted as you truly are, this is why you guard yourself from getting too close to others. Because your father abandoned you, and your mother was unable to be there for you, because she was too busy struggling to survive herself. But don’t resent them for it, many people struggle, are wounded, are insecure, and are ruled by their fears. They are broken, lost, individuals who need help. Once you can put yourself in their shoes, and see the world as they do, you will understand.
You are on the verge of emerging from this life, once wounded by rejection and struggling to survive. Now free from those fears which ruled over you. Being aware of the factors that brought you here, allows you to turn your pain into joy, by being thankful for the truly great person that they forged you into. You can emerge from those flames, baptized as a new man. You can turn that deep need for connection with others by becoming the very thing you seek, for others. And in doing so receive it for yourself. Be that unshakable support, that unwavering strength, that non-judgmental person you were always meant to be. The very embodiment of unconditional love itself. You will find you have too many friends to count. If you become what you desire, you will attract it.

Remember that nothing we do for ourselves will remain, only that which we do for others continues on, statues erode, accomplishments are forgotten, records are broken, competition never ends, but life continues on. All that matters is how you impact the life around you, and how they in turn impact others lives, how it’s passed down through generations to come.

Your job has become monotonous because you are too focused on the aspects which don’t interest you, those aspects contrary to your initial motives for pursuing the career in the first place. We all have our motivations for doing certain work, for going to school to get the jobs that we want. But when we actually get these jobs, they turn out to not be what we expected, because they often entail work that has little to no relation to our actual motivation. Many Doctors are attracted to their jobs to help people, this gets muddled up by piles of paperwork and administration. Leading to them losing their enthusiasm for their work, because they aren’t enthusiastic about filing paperwork. The same goes for you, remember the initial impression you had of IT work when you went to college. How did you picture that work being? How can you best fulfill that motivation of yours without all that monotonous daily grinding? If there isn’t a career in IT that fits your motivation, make one. Become an entrepreneur, consider how to create a job that will fulfill that initial motivation you had.
The reason why I turned the question back on you, is deep down you know the things that you enjoy, that motivate you. There could be many reasons why you lost enthusiasm for your hobbies: You don’t see the personal benefit in doing them, but remember that we get out of life what we put into it. Reorient your life to fit your initial motivation and apply it to benefit others. Believe me, your work will not be monotonous at all, it will be filled with all kinds of meaning and it will make a lasting impression which will leave a lasting legacy.

Joshua,

You are welcome, Martin. Post anytime.
anita