I have beem a frequenter of the website for a long time. I’ve explained a lot of family issues I’ve had, ranging from their reactions to my unhealthy weight loss methods to my sister’s recent passing.

Anyhow, as for this latest update, I’m no longer welcome back at my mother’s house. She told me to leave her alone yesterday and said she wouldn’t be speaking to me again indefinitely. I’m exhausting to be around she said.

In high school, I had severe depression and anxiety and acted in very very attention-seeking and destructive ways. My mom took me to the psych ward where I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder and given anti-depressants. I was incredibly lazy and not self-aware during this time. The only thing I put effort into was getting good grades and that was it, to my mother’s frequent dismay. I never helped around the house much, I was never really involved with my siblings, and I barely went outside. I stayed in my room on my phone nearly every day except to go to school. At school, I was bullied and thus, became very obnoxiously obsessed with school to shield my real personality from criticism. My hygiene was terrible; I overrated every single day, and I spent 99% of my time rotting on social media. I was either indifferent or rude to others; often alone and for good reason. I became highly suicidal and was taken to the psych ward after going through my mom’s pills and seeing how much I would need to overdose.

My mom tried everything in the world; pep talks, stern talks, motivating me, encouraging me, putting me in therapy. That’s when I ended up with a family therapist who coined me as having autism and histrionic personality disorder, even though I never really got specific treatment for these things as far as I know. I’m looking into talking to an actual psychologist for a proper diagnosis. Anyway, I was in therapy from ages 15 to 17, respectfully, and I didn’t feel a difference before or after, but my suicidal and self-destructive behavior subsided for the most part. At least for a little while. Both my mom and my at the time therapist kept close tabs on me and ensured that I wasn’t enacting manipulative behavior, even though I don’t do it intentionally. Regardless, I got better somewhat.

A little while later, in May of 2023, my younger sister was diagnosed with cancer. My sister and I have always bonded over jokes, so while I was “joking,” I made an incredibly insensitive comment about “counting her days” after she said something slightly snarky. I hadn’t been referring to her cancer when I said this, but it didn’t matter all the same; my mother got incredibly angry at me and wanted me sent away with my father. I made my sister cry and thought that I would never see my family again. However, my sister didn’t want me sent away and my mom obliged, even though I’m certain she still wanted me gone.

Throughout the year, I kept making insensitive comments to my sister and family, lacking in self-awareness again. My mom grew to not like my personality, she said, but put up with it because she knew my sister wanted me around.

A big kicker was when I started fasting to lose weight as I was severely obese during the time and thought it unfair to choose to be fat while my sister was struggling. However, I made my sister concerned for me and my mom saw it as a slap in the face as I “willingly starved myself” while my sister couldn’t even eat if she wanted to. I tried doing it in secret then but to no avail. My mom was getting tired of me at this point.

From then on, it would be rocky, but mostly stable between our family. However, as I left for college (for which I received a full-ride scholarship, and even though it wasn’t my dream school, it was still a really good school that my mom told me to attend), I became distant from my family as they traveled to different states for my sister to get treatment. I didn’t see them much and became isolated on campus. I missed them.

When they finally came home, I was so happy, but my sister’s treatment didn’t appear to be working. By then, I had gotten two jobs and was very self-absorbed in both of them and maintaining my grades over spending time with my sister. My sister was voicing a lot of concerns about being left behind, and yes, me and my other siblings had been.  It was around the beginning of October 2024, and my mom brought everyone into her room and said that her treatment would be coming to an end either way and that once it did, we would be shipped off to different areas for our selfishness; me back to campus and my siblings with their father. We had several talks like this in the past, but then, she was close to tears and borderline yelling and hadn’t been like that beforehand.

At the end of October, my siblings and I stayed in the hospital for eight days with my sister before she passed. My mom broke I think. She screamed when my sister passed and had a very bad mental breakdown. Somedays, she’s OK and almost like her old self. On other days, all she can do is cry. She says that she has problems “being in the moment” and both her and I think it’s severe trauma.

Once we got back to our house, I fell back into my old behavior of staying in my room on my phone contributing nothing. I would attempt to help around the house, but would ultimately fail and just go back to being catatonic and lazy. My terrible behavior was in full swing, and after my mom did my laundry and smelled my clothes after my terrible hygiene came in full swing, she had a mental breakdown and screamed at me to leave. She said that she was tired of me and that I’m an awful person to be around, akin to my dad. She said that I made a big show of wanting to die, and yet my sister, who didn’t want to, had no choice. She said she knew it wasn’t my fault, but she couldn’t help being so angry that she was stuck with “leftovers.” She said she didn’t want me beside her anymore and that I should leave. So the next day, I packed all my stuff and left for campus.

I’m not sure why, but she ended up wanting me back. I returned home for a bit, but I was so scared of her blowing up again that I just became anxious about her all the time. It didn’t feel like home, it felt temporary. I also learned that she had started talking to my old therapist again about my behavior despite my being 18 and no longer his client. She would rant to him about my behavior, even though I had told her that I didn’t trust him with my information anymore after I had learned that he’d possibly been spreading it around through his son.

Anyway, I decided to stop telling her any of my big business. She told me to stop being in the house all of the time since I was 18, and I agreed. She said she didn’t need to know everything about my life anyway and that it was time I kept some things for myself. I had a guy I was talking to during this time that I was nervous about fully informing my mom about. We ended up exchanging some jokes, but because I was really sensitive about my sister’s passing, he ended up making a joke that made me upset and I borderline threatened to break up with him if he did it again, to which he promised he would never and hasn’t. Since then, I was anxious about bringing him around my family since I knew this was a vulnerable time and they already didn’t feel too good about having him around anyway, so I pulled away from him a bit and set boundaries. I figured if I just gave it time, everything would be ok.

In the middle of November, he had a play I wanted to go to, so I told my mom I was going to hang out with some friends and went. My friends and I picked out some flowers for him and we went to the play. Because my ex-therapist’s son was a cast member, he saw me and hugged me but ended up telling my mom I was there “holding hands” with the guy I like (whom he also knows since his son is close friends with him.) My mom asked me why I didn’t tell her the truth about where I went, and I didn’t have the gall to tell her that I was scared of telling her anything after her blowup, so I was silent.

However, I still tried. I would tell her mundane things like what I was doing in college or good test scores, but she said I was using it as a veil. I got tired of tip-toeing around her, so I started staying on campus full-time, except on the days when she’d want to pick me up and take me home for some reason. I always thought she’d wanted me gone, so I couldn’t understand. After she got my sister’s ashes and we celebrated her birthday in December, I started having my boyfriend over in my dorm since I felt lonely at home.

He would show up and we would spend time together. He would make me laugh and it felt like he was the one person I had left. However, after he came to my dorm with Life 360 on, my ex-therapist found out that he was in my dorm and told my mother AGAIN. It was snowing badly, so I ended up convincing his grandmother and his father to stay long since the roads were icy. My ex-therapist’s son’s girlfriend (who he’s also friends with) told him to leave and that he shouldn’t stay overnight to “lose his virginity” even though we both agreed that we would be waiting a LONG time to have sex. But my boyfriend wanted to stay with me and said no. Regardless, my mom found out and told me to send him home immediately because having him over would mean “risking my scholarship,” even though guests were allowed over, and my roommate was seemingly fine with it. She said that all it would take is one report and I would lose my scholarship and have NOTHING to fall back on because of my skin color and lack of financial privilege.

She then told me that apparently, the play my boyfriend was in and I had lied about seeing had been dedicated to my sister (who had been a high school student at the time of her passing) and accused me of knowing and not telling her to “cover my ass.” I told I had no idea the play was dedicated to her (which is the truth) but because I had lied to her about not going, she didn’t believe me. I told her I only went there to give my boyfriend flowers, and then she got even angry and said that I never gave her or my aunt flowers even though my sister had passed and they busted their asses to give me every opportunity and that I barely had any money. I told her that it wasn’t me who paid for them, but again, she didn’t believe me.

She hung up on me and I called my aunt, asking if she knew what my mom was talking about. I stayed on the phone with my aunt for an hour and cried and got angry and my aunt assured me that it was just grieving styles and that I while I was at fault for a lot of my behavior, my mother and I are similar and that all we need to do is talk it out. She said everything would be alright. I vented my frustration and to be honest, I said a lot of terrible things that I shouldn’t have. I said it wasn’t fair that I was being an “adult” on campus. I said I was the one who chose to apply to the school I did and incorrectly said that i was the one who chose to go even though it was my mother who told me to chose it over my dream school.

Two hours later, my mom texted me and asked me again if I knew about the play to which I said no again, telling the truth. She then said I’m a liar for not telling her where I was going plus giving her mundane information to avoid talking to her. She said I was acting like trash and that I was a spinster and a manipulator and that she was losing her humanity for me as both a mother and a person. She told me to stop texting her or else and I obliged.

The next day, I called her to try to explain everything I’d be feeling over the past month and she said that I’m manipulative again. She then screamed at me to leave her alone and that I’m exhausting to be around. She said I had no business courting a high school senior as a college freshman and that I’m beyond therapy and need psychological help. She said I’m worse than my father at my age then he was, so she has no hope for me. Then she told me to stop once and for all, so I did.

I ended up falling asleep and woke up to a phone call from her. She said that I was manipulative and lying to my aunt about her and trying to get my aunt on my side even though I literally said to my aunt that that’s what I hadn’t been trying to do and that I was legit hurt by what my mom said. She said that I’m no longer welcome at her house and that my phone bill would be cut off since I had claimed to be an adult and had adult responsibilities. She then said to leave her alone and to stay away from her and her family.

I tried stupidly texting her everything again, literally everything I could think of, but she said I’m just covering my lying ass, making excuses and playing victim like usual. She told me to leave her alone again, so I did.

I don’t talk to any of my family on my mom or dad’s side besides my aunt. My mom hasn’t contacted me since yesterday and neither has my aunt. I’m staying in my dorm over Christmas break alone, and despite my boyfriend reassuring me, I don’t want to talk to him right now. At the moment, I’m cut off and have no means of support. I applied for a job downtown and am waiting for a response. I’m supposed to be meeting my boyfriend’s dad on Wednesday, but I don’t feel like it. I have a final exam today and two papers due this week, but I just want to rot. I’m alone right now in my dorm. I’ve been awake for hours. I’m not sure where to go from here.