Over the past few weeks I’ve continued to do some self reflection, and recently one thing I’ve noticed is an inability to trust myself.

This issue shows itself in different ways, but overall it feels something like this: I have certain qualities that were frowned upon by others throughout my growing up. Things like my active imagination, being different and outgoing as a female child, and having kind of a big heart (which others took advantage of several different times).

These qualities are natural to who I am as a person. For example, I would say that I am a fairly generous person. Now, I am not giving to an unhealthy or excessive point- I don’t do gifts out of obligation, I’m capable of thanking people for things without feeling guilt, and I don’t spend beyond my means and make myself broke. But I am fairly well off, and I’m creative, so I like to do what I can. I like to make people smile if I have the chance to do so, and I try to tailor the things I get someone to what I know they like.

I have recently put together a care package for someone consisting of a multitude of things I think they’ll like. It’s got two letters, one of which is for when they have a bad day. There’s a few different food-related items in there: pringles, jerky, a small box of candy, fudge, and a cookie. There’s also three drawings which they’ve already seen but don’t know I’m sending them, two tiny cat toys for their pet, and an umbrella since they don’t have one and it makes me frown every time they text me hearing they’ve walked twenty minutes through the rain to campus. It’s a small box, and I’ve decorated it in a fall theme for Thanksgiving.

I have done this because I love this person, because they work really hard and they’ve been having a tough time with some personal things recently. I thought up the idea of this box and immediately wanted to do it and send it to them.

Now that the box is done, and my mom suddenly introduces the fact that maybe I’m doing too much and will scare this person off, the anxiety came in waves. What if it is too much, even if it seemed fine before? What if I make this person feel guilty? What if they feel they owe me something, and I already know they don’t like ‘owing’ people? What if they think I’m too much? Will they think I’m trying to buy their appreciation?

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I like to give. I love it, because I like to make others happy when I’m able to. I know this person mentioned once they were sad because their parents had never sent them a care package. So for a multitude of reasons, I want to send this package. But this worry crept in, and now I have to debate with myself. Am I doing too much? Is it okay for me to be doing this? If I’m a naturally giving person, why do I feel ashamed of wanting to do something like this for someone? When did I learn this was a bad thing to do?

And in addition to this, why is it my job to anticipate how the gift will be received? If this person truly has a problem with the package, for instance thinking it’s too much, couldn’t they just tell me this so I’ll know not to do it next time? Is one bad package really a good reason for someone to hate me? Isn’t it likely my anxiety is overthinking the potential consequences for this?

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So, in the end, I feel like I’m in a perpetual battle with myself over what feels like the right thing for me to do, versus what is expected of me. This gift giving example is just the most recent one I have. I don’t trust myself with decisions because I constantly doubt if I am a good enough person to not overdo things. I consistently fear that who I am as a person is either too much for others, or too strange. In order to be kind, I must be kind as others wish to see it in me. In order to be giving, I must do so in ways that others perceive as ‘good’ giving, regardless of what I personally want to be doing. Why do I seem to keep doubting myself and everything my intuition directs me towards? It is as if I feel the need to shame myself for going down a separate path that others might not agree with, and thinking I deserve to be punished or ridiculed for this.