I forgot to edit out one quote, re-submitting with a few edits:

Dear Laelithia:

* I am about to submit this post and I feel that it will be difficult for you to read, Please read if you are calm and prepared, take a break if it gets to be too much, or choose to not continue to read. My goal is to be helpful to you.

You are very welcome and thank you for your kindness and grace.

In your February 21, 2023 post,  you shared that you’ve been very busy working, taking care of your lovely baby daughter, and working on your relationship with B, your baby’s father, barely having time to sleep. Sometime in the year before (2022), B finally secured a job but earned commission only, not a dependable income, and therefore you continued to overwork to the detriment of your health. You were having panic attacks, and reached out to your doctor who prescribed sertraline (an SSRI).

Sometime around April 2022, B changed: “B seemed to have given up on any attempt to improve our relationship and began treating me poorly. Gone was the person that was at least always polite and kind to me. Now, not only was he financially draining me, but he also was indifferent and sometimes cruel“.

You referred to B as “someone so irresponsible, reckless and immature despite being almost 10 years my senior“. Your therapist at the time “labelled B a narcissist based on his actions“, and strongly recommended that you end the relationship with him. You and B agreed to take some time apart: “I visited my parents… and B promised to finally organize and clean the house he had promised to do when we moved in about a year ago. Lo and behold, he was out with his friends at the bars and drinking rather than doing this, so I snapped. I was not very nice to him on the phone, and the next thing I knew, he had blocked me and I received a message from his sister-in-law that they (his parents included) had helped him move out“.

Your main concern at the time: “I can’t seem to get over the idea of sharing parenting and not seeing my daughter every single day. That side that worries so much about that is motivating me to try to mend things with B, perhaps finally try counselling together… Another side of me feels like a man in his 40s is unlikely to change. I just don’t know… I find myself more lost than ever…  I still hold a tiny bit of hope that maybe some time apart and some maturing and perspective on his part will maybe allow for us to be a real family“.

Nine months and nine days later, yesterday (Nov 30), you shared that following the above happenings back in February, you tried to reconcile with B following this relaliztion: “I had been too hard on him, and didn’t appreciate what he brought to the table (helping with my daughter, keeping the home tidy, and helping some with bills)“.

A few months later, in the summer of this year, you had “a complete break, and considered seriously ending my life“. The relationship with B ended permanently in the summer. Since the separation in the summer, B has not been involved in your daughter’s life, save for a few visits and minimal financial contributions.

(I will be adding the boldface feature selectively to the following quote from yesterday, and to quotes I will bring back from the past): “I still find myself incredibly saddened by the loss of the nuclear family I wanted so badly, as well as the shame I feel of not being able to have provided that for my daughter, and as a therapist myself, how that looks externally. I wanted so badly to have that picture perfect life, but I feel I could not manage it. It plagues me still in wondering if I had been nicer to B, more understanding and nurturing if this still would have been the case… I hope I will feel differently in the future, that I will feel it was right for my daughter and I, or at the very least it wasn’t my fault“ (Dec 1, 2023).

The first day we communicated, Laelithia, was on May 9, 2017. On May 19, 2017, you shared in regard to your parents when you were growing up: “I longed so deeply to be seen by them, to be heard, to hear loving words of affirmation. However.. I don’t think they had the ability to do so for me… I tried so hard to get her (your mother’s) attention, I would clean the house as a child during the nights to surprise her, I would work so hard at school, I would try to engage with her. But she was emotionally aloof”.

On January 11, 2019, you wrote: “I felt Wrong as a child, a problem, a burden. I tried very hard in my younger years to rectify this with my mother by helping her with chores, caring for my siblings, anything I could do to make her happy. But after several years of realizing this wasn’t working, I became an extremely angry and sad teenager, and I suppose in many ways, emotionally I still am that angry and sad girl“.

On January 14, 2019, you wrote about your mother: “She would often shake her head or sigh at me, while simultaneously being so cheerful and encouraging to my younger sister. She often identified being similar to my younger sister when she was younger, and told me I was more like the girls that bullied her in school. To this day I’m not sure why she told me that, as I have never been a bully“.

I don’t have the date for the following quote (I took it from one of my replies to you), in regard to your mother: “I remember feeling like I was a trouble maker to her, always needing more of her attention and getting upset with her over things and feeling hurt that she didn’t console me after an argument“.

In your relationships with men, like in your relationship with your mother as a child or a teenager, you longed so deeply to be seen by the man, to be heard… to get the man’s attention.. try to engage with the man… to rectify this with the man by helping him. But after…  this wasn’t working, you became an extremely angry and sad woman, and you became a trouble maker to the man, always needing more of his attention and getting upset with him over things and feeling hurt that he didn’t console me after an argument, having become a bully within the relationship.

This is how it looked in the relationships:

Jan 22, 2019: “When it comes to this new partner, my regret is tied completely to horrible behaviours I engaged in knowing better. Specifically, venting to him about my past, lamenting about it, and not respecting his wishes to stop talking about it with him“.

Jan 23, 2019: “I have talked more with my partner, and I am devastated by what he shared with me. He is so angry and hurt over me constantly talking about my past with him (especially exes and what was done to me), not giving him enough space or time to do the things he wants in his life, and for saying hurtful things when I felt he was rejecting or abandoning me. He said he wants space, that he wants to be on his own”.

May 19, 2019: “I met a man online… we did have a few silly arguments (usually after having too much to drink). Anyway, when I got back home, I noticed his contact was far less than before. I pointed this out, and before I knew it, my perfect man was saying he wasn’t sure if he was ready for a relationship after all. This after he had been the one pushing for things to move so quickly”.

August 3, 2020: “I met someone.. he was kind, assertive, generous… He told me how he had ‘done the math’ and how we had a great connection and our future goals aligned… I, unfortunately, uninvited him from meeting my brother and became short and cold to him. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I proceeded to have too much to drink that night and ended up sending some really odd texts that I now regret. He then told me he had a date scheduled the next day, and I really lost it… I felt bad about this in the morning, so I said ‘sorry.. When I asked if he was still planning on getting my bike today, he said ‘I’m sorry not after our last interactions.. I was hoping for some space…He said he was worried about a few comments I made and was bothered  by my mixed signals”.

February 21 & Dec 1, 2023: “B promised to finally organize and clean the house he had promised to do when we moved in about a year ago. Lo and behold, he was out with his friends at the bars and drinking rather than doing this, so I snapped. I was not very nice to him on the phone, and the next thing I knew, he had blocked me and I received a message from his sister-in-law that they (his parents included) had helped him move out… I had been too hard on him, and didn’t appreciate what he brought to the table (helping with my daughter, keeping the home tidy, and helping some with bills)”.

You have been a victim to a cold, unloving mother and you tried hard to get her positive attention. Seems to me that you’ve been repeating (as often is the case) your relationship with your mother in the context of your romantic relationships, including in the one with B. Not that any of the men was perfect or close to perfect, but it is your part in the relationships that follows a pattern: quickly getting emotionally attached and placing the man on a pedestal, and then.. trying hard to be heard and adequately attended to (to rectify your childhood experience with your mother), and motivated by hurt, you get aggressive and bully them.

Does this read true to you?

anita

Dear Laelithia:

You are very welcome. I will be able to reply further Monday morning. If you can add before I return what it has been about B’s behavior to cause your therapist to think of him as Narcissistic, it may help me with your question. Or anything you can add about B’s behavior over time.

anita

M e R R y    C h R i S t M a S,   L a e l i t h i a   !!!!

anita