September 20, 2019 at 11:20 am #313311RaawParticipant
Hi Awesome Reader,
Before I dig deep into what I wanted to share and seek your feedback upon, I want to give you a gist of what’s to come. Basically, I want your feedback upon letting go and be at peace with situations and people who have/are hurting you. It may not necessarily be a romantic relationship but in general any relationship. It would mean a lot for me if you could suggest anything to me.
I am a little confused as to from where to begin. So, I’ll try to recount the essential details in as little space as possible. Before I begin, I’ll share a few details about me. I am an introverted person who prefers the company of others yet wants to stay in my own space. I wish to be best friends with people but at the same time, wants to stay in my shell and not interact with them much. So, now coming to my story –
It all started around 4 years back. I graduated my college as an engineer and went ahead to work in an MNC. Over the course of 4 years, a social group of around 8 was created which gradually increased as people got married. I was a very different person 4 years back. I didn’t know my emotions or any sense of right and wrong. I could go on and on about it but today, I just call it immaturity. So, the result of this and my introverted ways was that I could never get too close to anyone in the group. Even after most of the misunderstandings were cleared, others couldn’t feel any sense of closeness with me. Over the last 2 years, most of the group disintegrated as people moved to different cities. I always yearned for the closeness which everyone seemed to share with each other. I often felt disheartened thinking that there is something wrong with me due to others not putting in any effort for me. That might be true as well.
I left that city and moved to the US to pursue my graduate studies. From past few days, they ramped up the activity on the WhatsApp group. They seem to know what is happening in each other’s lives and they do plan a lot of stuff together. They seek each other’s advice and keep each other involved in their lives in general. However, I am just on the outskirts watching the show progress. I time and again put in efforts by texting or calling them. I even went to meet a few of them before coming to US. But most of the time, I am just greeted with polite talk. Today, I feel so hurt that I don’t feel like talking with them anymore and just cut them from my life.
With my graduate studies further narrowing my social circle, I am at my wits ends to not fall in the trap of depression once again. Can you please suggest me how can I come at peace with these situations?September 20, 2019 at 1:13 pm #313341anitaParticipant
Without looking into your childhood for insight (something I attempted in your previous thread), I will answer your question: “how can I come at peace with these situations (“situations and people who have/ are hurting you”)” this way:
1. Avoid situations and people who are hurting you. Don’t make yourself present and available to such situations and people.
2. “I am an introverted person who.. wants to stay in my own space”- make it a pleasant space. Make your space a place where you feel safe and comfortable, play the music that you like, play those computer games you like in moderation. Be the one who makes thoughtful choices regarding how you spend your time so to promote your own sense of peace of mind and well-being (in your own space and elsewhere)
3. Incorporate/ maintain a daily exercise routine, a daily long, brisk walk may do.
September 21, 2019 at 6:11 am #313427InkyParticipant
- This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by anita.
Even if you were close to them, you moved and went to a graduate program here. Several of them are married. Soon they will have children. So you would never be that close. It’s interesting, though, after a decade or so, when everyone has lost touch with everyone else, if there is a reunion, they will be THRILLED to see you and remember you warmly. That’s just the way it is. So don’t worry about it.
Seek other introverted friends. OR seek out a talker who needs an introvert who will listen to them. Some of us just aren’t wired to have tons of friends. Just start with a few. I tell my daughter if you make one friend a year as an adult, you are doing great!
InkySeptember 21, 2019 at 8:30 am #313435AnneParticipant
It sounds like you’ve tried to make amends for your past immaturity and the misunderstandings as best you can, but these guys aren’t interested in forming deep connections with you. Maybe they can’t get past feelings of hurt and mistrust, but there’s nothing you can do to control that. You’ve matured and grown, and that will help you make new connections. I think your instinct to let that chapter close is correct. That doesn’t mean you have to fall out with them, definitely don’t do a big drama scene and flounce out of the WhatsApp group or anything, but let their treatment of you be a benchmark of how you treat them. These are people you can politely socialise with, so don’t burn any bridges, but they are not your “tribe”. This article by Mark Manson talks about romantic relationships, but the principles can be applied to friendships too.
Graduate studies are challenging, but also universities are great places to meet likeminded people. Maybe join (or set up) a board game society, or something similarly social, to practice your social skills and widen your circle. It takes time, but you’ll get there. Good luck.