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Let go or love forever?

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  • March 1, 2017 at 4:59 pm #132003
    Kathy Luna
    Participant

    I made this topic because I feel like I need some objective advise on this, and probably Tiny Buddha is the kindest community out there. The thing is, if I should hold on to a feeling of love or move on. I started a relationship with my best friend three years ago, and we really loved each other. We shared goals, ideas for future paths, humor, hobbies and he always made me feel like the best and most loved person in the world, it is hard to describe with words how kind, original and great he was.

    Unfortunately, six months ago we moved together to a different city, and the change of lifestyle was hard on both of us. I responded by becoming a sort of sadder and introverted individual while I adjusted. He, on the other hand, turned to drinking, partying, cursing and smoking a lot. He hid this things frome me for a while, as he said “to not disappoint me”. Eventually I found out of all of them, and some in a quite traumatic way for me, because of one of his excesses I became in danger. He apologized and swore never to do so again. For me it is quite a heavy issue to smoke or drink, dinking because of the time I was endangered because of his recklessness, and smoking because I lost someone very dear to me to lung cancer and I could never conceive someone I hold in such a high regard to hide and break my trust in that way or to go down a destuctive path, when I was hoping to spend my whole life with him. Soon, all my friends and family found out too about this, and pressured me into breaking up. I felt afraid to be that kind of fool that stays with a person who is no good, and I still felt hurt, so I broke up.

    Three months later, we keep talking and being good friends, I still love him dearly and he loves me back. But, he keeps drinking, smoking and partying, though less and says he’s trying to quit. He has been my only partner so long and I’m still quite young (I’m 18). I do not know if I should try to move on with my life and try not to have him be such an important source of joy to me, or if I should wait and support him, even if I had to sacrifice opportunities and endure some heartache.

    Thoughts? Sorry for the long post.

    March 1, 2017 at 6:33 pm #132015
    ShineInside
    Participant

    You can still love him forever AND let him go. I think you should define Love as compared to the need/desire to be with somebody. You need to feel what your soul is telling you, as far as how you want to live your life and the type of partner that would make you happy. It does not sound like he is truly what you are looking for in a partner. There is nothing wrong with still loving him, like I said, yet letting him go. You are young and strong and you appear to be principled and have your values, why not live for yourself for a while, I am sure that your future would unfold just wonderfully.

    March 2, 2017 at 9:03 am #132571
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear katliebe:

    You wrote: “I still love him dearly and he loves me back. But, he keeps drinking, smoking and partying, though less and says he’s trying to quit”- your first responsibility is to promote your safety and well being. You wrote that he already endangered those with his behavior.

    You wrote: “I do not know if I should try to move on with my life…, or if I should wait and support him, even if I had to sacrifice opportunities and endure some heartache.”-

    My answer: move on. If and when he stops these three behaviors (that endanger your safety and your well being), then maybe he can let you know, and maybe you will consider him as your boyfriend at a later date. Maybe.

    anita

    March 2, 2017 at 2:27 pm #132641
    Peter
    Participant

    “Real love sometimes means saying goodbye.” Bryant McGill,

    Love doesn’t require you to continue a relationship.
    You may love someone very much, but you may not be compatible with them. Or they may drive you crazy with their continued disregard for your feelings. You can still love them, but that doesn’t mean you have to be with them. Love doesn’t mean that you have to stay, and stay and stay. You can leave the relationship and love them anyway.

    Relationships are the crucible in which we discover ourselves. As such we create and play out scenarios that need healing with in relationships especially those in which we feel safe in. When we stop feeling safe within a relationship yet continue to seek out healing the relationship could become one of codependency. In codependency instead of healing and growing we become stuck in our pain, a kind of ground hog day but one we never find our way out of.

    It is a perplexing paradox, however it is often the painful end of a painful relationship the pushes those involve to heal and grow.

    We long for the La la Land happy ever after ending. Yet the movie of the same title showed that sometimes a relationship is only fated for a moment in time and not ever after.

    March 3, 2017 at 3:11 pm #135387
    EAHL
    Participant

    I admire you for having so much insight and self-assurance at such a young age. I’m 31 and I don’t think I would be able to have such a mature assessment of a relationship! I agree with what everyone else has said – right now is time to let go. If he hasn’t stopped the destructive behaviors despite your vocal objections, it’s unlikely he will be able to stop. Or if he does stop for you, he may begin to resent you. People grow apart, especially through big moves and life changes.

    By staying attached to him and hoping he will change, you are closing yourself off to other relationships and opportunities that may fit your values and goals better. Especially at 18, it’s important to explore and find something that’s truly a good fit.

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