September 25, 2013 at 12:42 pm #42778
4 years ago my life as a knew it came to an abrupt halt with the police knocking on my door. Most are thinking someone was killed and they were coming to tell me…..There are days I wish it was something like that. 🙁 The police were coming to arrest my husband for molesting my daughter. It was the worst feeling in the world. That was 4 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday. This man was the love of my life, yes, we had our problems but we were working on them. We thought we were soul mates. He could feel when I was hurt or sick when I was no where around him. (He says he can still feel me even locked up.) After a very stupid decision on my part, I bonded him out of jail. My daughter didn’t speak to me for over a year and I don’t blame her. I was very selfish. He finally took a plea and was sentenced to 11 years in prison. I haven’t spoken to him since January when he started blackmailing me and I had finally had enough. This was my 2nd husband….my first one cheated on me and I finally told him to get out after catching him with woman #4. After my 2nd husband was in prison I started dating a man that was just dating me because I paid his bills. Needless to say my choice in men seems to suck. I no longer let myself be happy. ANY relationship I have been in over the last few years I sabotage as soon as it starts getting serious….Until NOW. Back in May I met an amazing man and in July we were married. I still don’t let him in. I’m afraid to “surrender” myself to him and let down my guard. We fight about once a week, usually over something stupid. I start the fights most of the time. I believe I do this to keep myself back and guarded. I don’t feel I should be happy because of what happened with my daughter. I deserve to be punished I guess for my selfish choice I made. I wrote a letter to myself yesterday and tried to get out everything that I had been feeling. Last night and today I have felt like a giant weight has been lifted off of me and I actually feel free….but like with anything else, I fear it will be short lived and I will go back to my old ways. My new husband is a saint for sticking by my through all my craziness. He knows about my past and everything I have been through and is very patient and promises to stick by me and help me overcome this….Does anyone have any advice besides just stop?? Everyone says to just stop thinking about the past….but it isn’t really that easy.September 25, 2013 at 12:53 pm #42779EdlinParticipant
Wow. That is the worst feeling ever. I am going through a 3 year relationship break up but what your going through is rough. Thats your daughter!!! by your husband. What goes through ppl’s mind. Im sorry to hear that, sound like you had suffer a lot in the past.
Of course is not easy. I always wake up in the morning thinking about my ex. Or i just think about it through out the day when im alone. I am GLAD! There is a man beside you to help you get back on your feet, and dont punish yourself! Your daughter will come around. Try to talk to her! I best advice you to go talk to a PASTOR or THERAPIST to help you out. Talk your past with them or write it down and throw it away burn it. Do it over and over so your brain and heart can be clear.
Enjoy life right now with your new man, the rest is history! And dont forget about your daughter.September 25, 2013 at 8:11 pm #42804Dharmesh RadadiyaParticipant
I gained worst feeling to my self after reading your problem it’s very difficult to pass from these all situation.But we can not judge any person perfectly
at starting everybody is honest by heart,love us but after some time and mainly during problem real examination of anybody come in notice that what he/she behave with us at that time.
And i think you suffered a lot may be even i have seen your first case of such type but do not worry as said by edlin as time moves you will be better do not think about your past and if your daughter is mature to understand everything give her spiritual and religious guidance this will help her to come out from that.
And do not talk about those all infront of her b’coz if she trying to forget that that will again make her to think about tht and diverts her mind.
And i am also agree with Edlin that write down your bad past and burn it or throw it it will lifted beggage of your past from your life.
Before one year ago i do not have any my own identification but suddenly turning point came to my life and i changed now totally it is only possible when you take your Bad passt with good feeling and in positive way.
Enjoy you life with your new man if he know everythign about you then i think “He is God” for you b’coz even he help you to come out from your past so concentrate on him and give love to him.According to me “He is god for you come to your doorstep for your love” Now it’s up to you what you have to do>
Dharmesh Radadiya.September 26, 2013 at 7:17 am #42817
My daughter and I are good now. It took awhile but we worked through it but I still can’t forgive myself….which in turn is holding me back from letting go and being happy.September 26, 2013 at 7:19 am #42818
Thanks Dharmesh, he is a great guy and helping me move on from my past. I just need to let him in to do it.September 26, 2013 at 1:45 pm #42830MattParticipant
I’m so sorry for all of the suffering you’ve been through, and the confusion, regret and shame you feel about who you are and where you’ve been. It can be very disorienting to look at our past decisions, and hindsight sometimes brings painful self criticism. Don’t despair, sister, there is always a path to joy. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance about how to find a path of balance and happiness. We have the imperfect perspectives of our parents and teachers, a few instincts, as well as a slowly blooming wisdom… but often we meet up with choices that confuse us and we make unskillful decisions. This is unavoidable. You, me, and everyone has stumbled on their path countless times. This does not make us any less lovable, any less worthy of forgiveness and acceptance.
As you look back on your decisions, it is easy to say “that is not what a loving, good person does” and place a mantle of shame right onto your head. Its perhaps true that a stable, balanced and compassionate person might have made different choices, but that’s not what you had in that moment. You had a tangled mess of emotions, thoughts and needs. That’s OK, it would have been a very trying experience for anyone… and you had an imperfect map.
As we grieve the past, and our regret and shame, the path of letting go is honorable repentance. There really is no use in spinning and spinning, letting our errors justify a critic in our brain to beat us up over and over. Instead, we can look at the choice, accept it lead to painful consequences, and honor that pain by vowing to step in a different direction. Then, the force of the painfulness reminds us to grow, fuels it. Yep, we screw up, it happens, and as we accept life is a learning process, we move on, wiser, stronger. Slowly, gently, we untangle and let go.
That is when we can let others in. We realize that we’re not a bad person. Consider that “bad” people don’t feel regret or shame. They don’t grieve and question and self criticize. You’re a good person, a loving one, and the mental and emotional pain is proof positive. You are worthy of love, dear sister, and deserve the happiness you’re seeking. You’ve been in pain for long enough, suffered through enough nights. As you keep walking your path of love and light, the past sheds like old skin… memories, but settled. That’s OK, we don’t need to honor the pain we caused for others by keeping our pain alive… we honor it by making our hugs deeper and more honest this day. Our love then grows more brilliant and nourishing for ourselves and our loved ones. Namaste.
MattSeptember 27, 2013 at 5:29 am #42858
Thank you Matt, I needed to hear those words. I know I need to stop punishing myself it is just so hard to forgive myself it’s much easier to forgive someone else.September 27, 2013 at 4:28 pm #42908BarbaraParticipant
I am only reading this original post now – and thank you again for replying to my post on another thread.
That was a major traumatic life event to go through, and all that Matt said is true – you deserve that path to happiness and joy, as you have suffered, and you have done your best to make good decisions now. We all make choices that may not be the best – because of where we are at that time ! We are in that place, so we don’t see it as we would as an outsider, and we have circumstances that somehow have us in that frame of mind.
Do not keep punishing yourself ! I am so glad that your daughter and yourself are building the relationship between you, and that is brilliant – you both deserve it. And your partner sounds like a guy who is genuinely patient, loving and kind – and you deserve that after all you have been through.