October 22, 2013 at 12:23 pm #44164
Does anyone have any tips on how to let go of expectations and forming resentments? ESPECIALLY when your gut tells you that this particular person does not realize they are being hurtful?
I have changed my views to a compassionate stand point, but with this certain individual, I have a hard time letting go of the pain that has been caused, and releasing my expectations. It’s been a rollercoaster, to say the least, but my heart of hearts knows that it’s worth it. I also feel if I could get over these hurdles I have built up, things would improve greatly, for both me individually, and me and him together.
Any input would be so appreciated! 🙂October 22, 2013 at 5:29 pm #44202Beyond OrdinaryParticipant
Hi Danielle.. Honestly,we’re sort of on the same boat.. Its really hard to accpet the fact that the person whom we care so much about,hurts us so bad in return. We just have to find the goodness out of the situation we’re in right now.. no matter how hard it may seem right now,eventually,in time everything will be okay.. not now.. but soon..October 23, 2013 at 7:04 am #44226
Thanks 🙂October 23, 2013 at 5:12 pm #44261KatyParticipant
Have you tried talking with the person? Expressing your feelings? It may help. Hope you find what you’re looking for
🙂October 25, 2013 at 9:17 am #44346MacintoshParticipant
What do you do when the person you’re trying to let go off (not by choice btw) is ignoring you and won’t allow you to speak and express feelings? It’s a door slam in the face! Talk about resentment and pain.
Sucks.October 25, 2013 at 10:39 am #44355
Hi Katy, yeah, I have expressed how I feel. And I try to be compassionate about it and maintain my patience. But honestly, it seems no matter which way I approach it, he perceives it as an attack and it escalates into an argument. I admit I can be difficult from time to time, but who isn’t? And the largest difference between he and I is that I acknowledge my flaws and he doesn’t seem to want to. He knows they’re there, he knows he’s not always easy to deal with, but he typically does not address that until later- in a text or a phone call apologizing for him being “an asshole” Which of course I let everything go and we go on our merry way.
He’s one of the best people I know, but I am starting to wonder if we just don’t mesh. If I cannot let go of these expectations I have of him (and truthfully, the ones he has of me) then I don’t know how to move forward. It breaks my heart to say that. We both recognize that conflict is natural, which I think is important, and I fully recognize that I cannot change someone else. But if I could train myself to not hold on to the pain when it comes to him, I know that we would be fine. I just keep struggling with it.
Thank you for your input, Katy 🙂
Macintosh: I’m sorry to hear that. I have no idea how to suggest you deal with that situation, I imagine it’s incredibly painful.I guess if you’re forced to let go of that person, look at them ignoring you as a blessing in disguise? I find that it helps when I write letters to the person expressing how I feel, whether or not I send them. It gets the thoughts out of your mind and onto something . Good luck 🙂October 26, 2013 at 1:07 pm #44393
I’m sorry for the painfulness you experience, and understand that it can be puzzling to want to let go, and not know how. Sometimes our minds grasp onto things, and as this happens, we make the object, words, actions about us. This leads us to feel like an injustice has been done, as though someone has trespassed, pierced our warmth and stability. Said differently, perhaps if you can find the difference between “he is being hurtful” and “I am feeling hurt by his actions” you will find the detachment you’re looking for. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider the story of the lion with a thorn in his paw, roaring and thrashing. Many were afraid of the lion, but one courageous being saw through the lion’s vibrating energy and stepped forward and pulled out the thorn. The lion was perhaps too worked up to even know where the pain was coming from! Perhaps you could spend a few moments comparing the lion to him. He roars, and you make it about you. Not “he has a thorn in his paw/heart/mind”… some ignorance or unskillful pattern that causes him to lash out… and instead, you grab onto it as all about you “how could he say that to me! How could he invade my heart with such sourness? Alright mind, lets punch him, be angry, defend ourselves against his behaviors, and attack him to force his surrender. Then we can get back to loving one another.”
Instead, you can step aside and not make it about you. Perhaps he is stressed about his work, or his mom’s illness, or feels attacked by your words. Who knows the why or what, but it probably has little to nothing to do with you. Even loving people say harsh words when their mind is spinning and the entanglement sets in. Said differently, both of you have difficulty letting go, most of us do, and often we have to wait for the energy to blow itself out before we can even see the beauty before us. Consider how painful it is for you to have the thorn of “he is hurtful” spinning in your mind… he has those too! They are very painful for him, as yours are for you. When we spend time looking at that, seeing that deeply, and letting ourselves feel love for our suffering partner, the more compassion we have available in the moments we struggle ourselves.
When the thorn is actually generating painfulness in your mind, such as during or right after the “he is hurtful” view arises (such as during an argument) consider moving your attention to the breath. “This sensation in my mind is odd, its almost like a headache. Odd how many thoughts pop in and spin around this thorn, interesting. Oh yeah, the breath.”. Focus on the sensations of air sweeping past the nose, the coolness deep in the nasal cavity behind the eyes, the rising and falling of the abdomen and so forth. Try not to slide into the cycle, and if you do, be gentle with yourself and move your attention back to the breath. This is like slowly stopping yourself from tossing wood into a fire. If you stop feeding it, it burns out. You dont have to figure out how to douse it, just breathe. Namaste sister, may you find peace.
MattOctober 27, 2013 at 10:28 pm #44447AnonymousInactive
I’m grateful for this thread and Matt’s response.
Similar to this discussion about letting go of feelings… I have been grappling with the idea that there are some people we should just walk away from because their actions are causing pain… but then think that that would be like walking away from yourself. (If someone brings out feelings of jealousy and insecurity in me, I know that those are issues that I have regardless and that I should be mindful of them instead of avoiding the thing that brings them out.)
Should the lion with the thorn on his paw be applied in this situation, too? If I were mindful of my feelings of jealousy and insecurity should I see my pain and the other’s possible pain? Even when their actions are causing much suffering?October 28, 2013 at 6:12 am #44452
I really enjoy the way you’re looking at the situation. On one hand, being around certain people can trigger us into painful cycles, and on the other, its not their suffering that causes ours. So what do we do? Do we endure the moment as a lesson that strengthens our own practice of letting go? Do we walk away?
The question is really only answered within, as its between us and our heart. The path of joy needn’t be an endurance trial, and sometimes the lesson of the thorn bush is to not press into it. Said differently, if another persons energy consistently inspires painful cycling in the mind and body, perhaps it is best to wish them well from a distance. It is very important to protect the tender shoots of awareness that grow in our mind. “Do no harm” includes learning not to put ourselves in harm’s way.
That being said, if we can get to the other side where the jealousy and insecurity doesn’t arise, we become free. In this way, those who challenge us become our dear teachers. Sometimes our teachers are those who pour heartfelt wisdom, and sometimes our teachers are those who mirror for us, revealing afflictive karma we have yet to overcome.
As a general guideline, if the experience is met with curiosity and hope on your side (before and after the trigger/spin cycle) then bravo, keep growing. If it is more like sacrifice and martyrdom, then we’re actually just being unkind to ourselves. As we back away and grow our shoots into thick roots, other people’s dancing doesn’t pull nearly as hard at us. “Oh look, jealous ripples in my mind, time to breathe and let go.”
Namaste, Maile, its OK to trust the growing wisdom of your heart… that is what leads you to experience and share your light and love.
MattOctober 28, 2013 at 6:35 am #44454
Matt, I absolutely loved your response, and I will work on applying this towards my situation. I actually read this shortly after you responded and haven’t had a chance to answer until now. But, the good news is, I took this approach with this person, and it is ALREADY working. Further, we spoke last night and he even brought up how important I was to him, apologized for taking me for granted at times and made note that he thinks our fights are proof we care enough about each other to get mad. He brought up an interesting way to look at the scenario- if he did not care for me, he would not engage in any type of argument, he would simply walk away. I hadn’t look at it that way before, and it sorta goes hand in hand with what you said above.
I’m finding that with the perspective you gave me, resentment and expectations are simple to let go of with him. As I said, I do know this person is worth the headaches we endure, as frustrated as I something get and tell myself “I’m done” I always said I never expect him to change, but I guess deep down I wasn’t really being honest with myself. I was allowing whatever is going on within his head to become my problem, when as you said, it probably has nothing to do with me. But since reading that, I’m reminding myself of that, and applying it the best I can. I know it won’t be an overnight change, but any progress is still progress, right? 🙂
Thank you so much. And Maile, I’m glad my post struck something in you and I hope it all works out 🙂October 28, 2013 at 6:47 am #44455
I’m happy for you, and thanks for the kind words. Isn’t it funny how easy the path is to walk once we see it? Old habits take time to erode, but our hearts are strong enough to see theory through into the light we become. 🙂
MattOctober 28, 2013 at 11:13 pm #44487AnonymousInactive
I’m so grateful for my teachers that “pour heartfelt wisdom” (Matt, Danielle) and for the other, who is challenging me and showing me my mirror.
That said, it’s clear to me now that I want to grow my shoots into thick roots and trust the growing wisdom of my heart.
🙂 MaileNovember 7, 2013 at 11:54 am #44956meParticipant
Today I have decided to take the bull by the horn……………back in 2011, I had an accident while crossing the road two bikes hit me and left scars on my left arm…………………This April, I had a fall from a stupid act and left bruises on the same left arm and left knee and legs…..from then I regretted the act which left me so depressed and ashamed…. I went to plastic surgeons and the option was not favorable on how I could get the scars away. I used various scar creams but nothing could vanish them….as I wanted. My anxiety and depression increased, I would always remember that day and really regret my act even though people kept encouraging me…I would spend hours on the internet looking at different sites on scars………my concentration was cut short with low self esteem and regrets. But with all these I look to Jesus to heal me and restore me back so that I can be happy……….Right now by his grace I really don’t care what the scars look like but I want to take the bold step and move on to be happy with my kids and husband. I know I have made some mistakes and I regret what it cost me, 7 months of restlessness, low self esteem, lack of concentration, regret and depression. I have taken the bold step to come to terms with my situation and only be grateful that my situation are just mere scars and not disfigurement or even death, I pray as I take this step, It would go a long way to helping me go through the aisle of recovery and being a stronger person.December 5, 2013 at 10:40 am #46262SaharaParticipant
send an email with exactly what you want to say may be that helps 🙂