Home→Forums→Relationships→Letting go of past abusive relationship
- This topic has 10 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 7 months ago by
Carlos Coto.
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May 4, 2013 at 5:21 pm #35113
MelissaParticipantI found myself in an abusive relationship in 2011 that lasted only 5 months. Its been a year and five months since the last time i saw him but i cant seem to be able to forget and forgive. He was verbally abusive from the start and turned into physical abuse the last time i was with him. I just keep relieving and relieving every thing that happened to the point where i get a headache. He would call me horrible names every time he would get mad…his favorite words to call me were “Bitch and whore”…which i never understood why call me a whore if he was only my second boyfriend …and i was still a virgin when i was with him because i never actually been intimate with anybody…he would pressure me to sleep with him insisting how it was my duty…and when i gave in and we tried it didnt work out cause i couldnt go through with it..the next day he said i “didnt make him feel like a man”…. i tried explaining how it was my first time and he just said “f— your first time”…even though he knew all of this he would still call me a whore.
The last time i was with him he just kept putting me down, calling me names and then restrained me against a wall yelling to not show him attitude… i was so scared…i really didnt do anything…he just got angry at me cause i was not agreeing to have sex with him again. (I was staying at his place when this happened for the Christmas weekend..).. i texted my cousin to pick me up because i was not feeling comfortable at his place anymore..i couldnt stay another night with him…he then started yelling how if i would live it was over..we kinda had a calm discussion about our relationship and he said we are broken up now…when my cousin arrived i grabbed my things and started to go down the stairs while he was in the bathroom…when im about to leave the building..i hear him coming down the stairs frantically and i stop and turned around thinking he was just gonna be saying goodbye and beg me not to leave…but instead he looked like a monster with big huge eyes..it was like he transformed into something else..restrained me against the wall and started screaming “you are leaving without saying goodbye?” “dont you call me ever again you whore” “f— you!” i was not able to say anything because he had his hand on my neck and hit my head…i also just kept quiet..even though i was so scared because he might have get even more angry if i said something….. he then threw my luggage out the building and me out the door. i felt like trash….my cousin saw how he threw me and my luggage out the door but didnt see him hitting me.
I told her what happen and begged her to turn the car on and drive..i was so scared and could believe what happened.
I have met with three counselors since then to be able to cope with it…have read many self help books but i cant seem to be able to move on…dont know what els to do because i keep regretting not calling the cops on him..i feel like he won…he is not being punished for what he did. A few weeks ago i saw his facebook page and he seems happy…new job, new bmw and prob new girlfriend or wife…he seems to be living life with no bother…like he has a clean conscience…why is this fair?…why didnt i called the cops that night? he didnt even acknowledge what he did because he said that for every action there’s an opposite reaction and that i was the only one of his exgirlfriends that he treated that way….he even implied how stupid i was for looking up signs of abusive men and how me reading that list ended our relationship….why cant he see that i was emotionally drained and i was not acting like a girlfriend anymore because of his abuse….he even said i should have asked him why he abused me instead of looking it up online. (that list i actually sent it to him in an email after what he did..i thought that would make him see things)Please..i dont know what else to do to forget what happened and not regret not calling the cops!
May 5, 2013 at 7:37 am #35121
Lori DescheneKeymasterHi Melissa,
I am so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. What a nightmare! I can understand your feelings about this. He treated you horribly, and at the time, you didn’t think to take legal action against him. It makes sense–you likely felt all kinds of conflicting emotions and just dealing with them took a lot of energy.
I highly doubt he is completely happy right now. Clearly he has a lot of his own issues or he wouldn’t have treated you as he did. He directed a ton of rage at you, which tells me he’s carrying around a world of pain. But more importantly, you are fortunate to be free of that horrible relationship now. Whether he’s happy or not, you now have a chance to be happy if you’re able to focus on the present, not the past.
Have you ever tried meditation before? It’s a great way to clear your head and come into the present moment. It will help you avoid replaying in your head what happened and what you could have/should have done. You can actually find all kinds of guided meditations on YouTube. Just search for “regret” and “meditation” or “let go” and meditation.”
Also, you may find these posts helpful:
I hope this helps a little. You are in my thoughts!
Lori
May 5, 2013 at 11:40 am #35128MelissaParticipantHi Lori,
I really appreciate so much your thoughts and encouragements regarding my experience. I was actually very happy that someone replied because i was so depressed when i wrote that and needed to hear something from someone. I followed your suggestion and looked up meditation videos on youtube about letting go and resentment. I did one and tears just started coming out because i felt i was letting go. But i guess i have a weak mind since before taking a shower i started crying again thinking of how early in the relationship he called me stupid and how he didnt like me and how i should have the self respect to just say to him that i would be more stupid if i continue to be with such an unhappy person like himself…i even kneeled and prayed to god…pouring my heart out and asking him to please make me understand that none of that was my fault.
I will continue with the meditation and will try to do it every day..i actually read those post you suggested and see how they can help me..i just need to be strong.
May 6, 2013 at 2:16 am #35164Lori DescheneKeymasterYou’re most welcome Melissa. I’ve had the same experience with meditation; it tends to bring a lot up. You don’t have a weak mind! It just takes some time to work through the feelings and find a sense of peace with the past. I think if you continue meditating (and praying if that helps), you will start seeing some internal shifts in time. It really does heal all wounds! It may also help to look in the mirror once a day (or more if you’d like) and tell yourself, “It’s not your fault. You did your best. I forgive you and I love you.” (I know this sounds cheesy, but it helps!) Or you could also visualize the child version of yourself and imagine yourself comforting her. This is how you get strong–by doing little things every day that help you strengthen yourself.
May 6, 2013 at 11:43 am #35185
Marilyn Briant-RockmoreParticipantHello Melissa,
First I want to congratulate you on making the best decision possible, to leave this man the minute his verbal abuse turned into physical abuse. Second, I want to reassure you that his words and behavior had nothing whatsover to do with you. Abusive people’s behavior is a reflection of who they are, not who you are. I agree with Lori that meditation and getting in touch with your inner child are very helpful. I feel sure that his behavior will continue with other partners and hopefully someone else will report it. It was an awful situation to have gone through, but you are away from it now and it is important to focus on yourself, not what he is doing with his life. I am also sure that realizing that the anger you are feeling is only hurting you, will help you to let it go. Letting go of your anger does not mean condoning anyone else’s cruel behavior, it simply means that you choose to love yourself enough to free yourself from its grip.
Love and peace,
MarilynMay 6, 2013 at 8:36 pm #35194
Carlos CotoParticipantHi Melissa,
First I want to say that you did what you had to do, and I too congratulate you on your decision. I am a clinical psychologist and Anxiety Disorders specialist. I am not from the U.S. I have to tell you that you may be having what is called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. A person like him does not deserve your emotions. You have given him all your emotional power, and you need it back. You need to move on in YOUR life, and I agree with Lori and Marilyn. I have to tell you, men like that NEED to have therapy, or they won´t stop! until they have hurt you or even worse…
You need to get control of your own emotions, Meditation may help you, but you also need something that addresses emotions directly… I would suggest to look up EFT or Emotional Freedom Technique, or even better Emotrance. They both belong to what is called Energy Psychology and may help you cope with negative emotions. You should find them FREE, the basic stuff anyway… at http://www.emotrance.com and http://www.emofree.com
If not, send me a message and I will show you them completely FREE. You need it. in just a few minutes you may shed negative emotions and start getting back your life.
Also, right now… take a DETERMINATION… to move FORWARD in your life…. say it like this: 1)PUt your right hand around your chest, like if you are singing the national anthem… right on a spot that hurts a little… and pressing it, say three times this phrase… “Even though, I still feel ..(FILL in the blank) for ….(subjects name), I completely accept myself.” This will treat what is called a Psychological Reversal… or a self sabotage, and the thought of getting back with him…
If this helps, or if you need more help or want it explained better… send me a message… I have in my site a video that may explain it… completely free… so no worries… but only if you want to see it.
Please, take a look at emotrance, or EFT, and work with them your anger, guilt, etc.
And please, just ask… I may help you, completely and absolutely FREE. Just to help you.
You are NOT ALONE, and there is always some help…
Carlos.
May 7, 2013 at 7:03 am #35198MelissaParticipantHi Marilyn,
Thank you so much for your kind words and your understanding. I know that his behavior is a reflection on him and not on me, but it hurts when i remember the things he would say and i would try to understand why he thinks that the way he treated was deserved.
Two days after that incident i sent him an email stating how what he did was wrong and how men should never lay a hand on women. I even sent him a list of signs of an abusive relationship i looked up a few day before that happened because i knew something was not right with us. I do regret doing that because thinking about it now is not like he was going to agree in saying “yeah i have a problem”, but his reply to it is the one that’s kinda driving me crazy. He said that normal women dont go online and do such kind of research and that i should have asked him why does he abuse me instead of going online to find an answer. He also mentioned i should have gone to see a psychiatrist and he would have joined me appreciately…but with all honesty..i think if i would have brought the subject he would have never joined me for a counseling session.
It makes me angry how he thinks that me reading that list was the thing that ended the relationship because according to him now he understands why my behavior changed against him.
I think i need to point out that he was originally from India and when i met him he had only been here in the states for 2 years. Sometimes i do feel i was the only one he treated like that because he mentioned his past 3 girlfriends ended because his parents didnt agreed to it or because their religion was different (they were all from India as well) and how he still keeps in contact with them and they all still want to be with him, which says that he’s a good person and that im the one with the problem and not him (thats what he replied to me)
Thats why im always asking myself that i might have been the only one he treated like that…im just so confused… :s
May 7, 2013 at 7:12 am #35199MelissaParticipantHi Carlos,
I appreciate your reply. I will be looking into EFT and emotrance like you suggested. I know and understand how even though we are not together anymore and havent been in contact with him for over a year, he still has control of my mind. I know that’s not healthy and he does not deserve my tears and pain…but it’s just so hard sometimes because flashbacks come back every once in a while and i keep replaying our conversations and arguments and think what i should have done differently….but its like Marilyn mentioned on her reply post, his words and behavior have nothing to do with me. I just need to remember that.
May 7, 2013 at 9:31 am #35208Carlos CotoParticipantMelissa,
Sometimes time is only what is needed… and for you to process the information. Just take a Determination to start moving forward in your life… a day at a time… or even moment by moment… but MOVE… you need to advance.
I urge you to look for emotrance or EFT, because the body has memory… and your recurring thoughts about the conversations, have become recurring because of the energy behind them that gives them life to be… if you get rid of the energy…the recurring thoughts will die off….
Just answer me this, strange question…. but try to do it truthfully… take your time… If your ex, was a part of your body… what part would he be now? Take your time.. but try to answer the question truthfully.
I know it is strange question… but I promise to tell you the answer to what it means.
Carlos.
May 7, 2013 at 10:25 am #35211MelissaParticipantI would have to say he would be my brain because of all of his mind games he played with me and how it’s still affecting me.
May 7, 2013 at 10:51 am #35213Carlos CotoParticipantHi Melissa,
There you have it… you have given him your brain… your thoughts… your capacity to make decisions. It is an obsession. You need to push him out of your brain. You don´t need his energy there! When you get him out… you will be able to move in life. You have given him way too much energy! and way too much of a vital space! Your body is speaking for you.
Carlos.
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