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Lied to a good friend, now she won't speak to me. Can I mend the friendshio?

HomeForumsRelationshipsLied to a good friend, now she won't speak to me. Can I mend the friendshio?

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  • #112925
    spats1996
    Participant

    I don’t know where to start. A little background about myself. I’m a senior in college and graduate this fall. I have a major stuttering problem. As a result, I am a very insecure person. I don’t have many friends. I also get very anxious and nervous around people because of my stuttering problem. I am any one child and was very sheltered by my parents. Schook is basically I knew growing up and still know. I became very lonely because of not having friends. As a result, in in order to cope, I turned to alcohol and became an alcoholic. I am just a broken person, in short. That is a bit of back story about myself. This will be a bit long, so please bear with me. This chronicles a span of a year.
    I met this girl in one of my sunmer classes a year ago. I’ll have to admit that I liked her from the first moment that I saw her. She was very nice and kind towards me. We would say hi to each other and make small talk. I wanted to ask her to coffee, but I found out from a friend that she had a boyfriend. So, I kind of backed off from her and didn’t really talk to her. I guess it was me just being selfish because I like her more than a friend. I didn’t know how to do with my feelings.
    I didn’t see her again until the fall classes started. I didn’t even know she was in my major. She recognized me and said hi. I kind of have her the cold shoulder and nonchalantly said hi. I guess she was became confused and was mad at me. After a few classes, she gave me the cold shoulder and just passed me by. Again, I didn’t know how to talk to her. Fast forward a month to after our first test. I noticed that she was struggling and really didn’t get the material. So, I offered to help her. It was at this moment we became friends. Something in me changed and I just saw her as a friend in need instead of a love interest. It was supposed to be strictly a school relationship. She would email me and ask me questions and I would help her the best I could. Then, I guess she started trusting me and gave me her number. Very quickly we got to know each other and confided in each other. In her past, she was manipulated and hurt very bad by other boyfriends and friends. I told her that I was different and that I wouldn’t do thise things to her. Little did I know that I would lie to her in the end through my actions. I became there for her as a friend when she needed me. For example: I consoled her when her dog died( I gave her a card) and when she would be nervous and have panic attacks. She started to text me to just start conversations and see how I was. We became great friends. You may be asking why am I asking you guyd this question? Everything seems fine, right? Well just hold on! It gets screwed up pretty badly. During this time, however, she would also keep asking me school related questions and wanting my answers. I know it started out like this, but the relationship changed drastically. I became paranoid and cynical. I started to think that she was only my friend because I wad smart in school. This was very horrible and selfish of me. I gave her the cold shoulder. She became very upset and didn’t want to lose me as a friend. So, I told her what I thought. She said that that wasn’t her intention and that because of her past she didn’t know how to be a friend. I’ll have to admit it wad very manipulative of me, but it brought us closer than ever before. We would have long and deep conversations about anything. I would try to get her out of her shell and work on her anxiety and depression. I wanted to help her and be there for her. During this time, I got to meet her boyfriend. Maybe my perception of him is skewed because I was jealous( I liked her a little bit at this point), but I thought he was very arrogant and full of himself. The first time I met him, he basically told me his life story and how he was good at this and good at that. This is important: he told me that he helped his dad fix up houses. This detail would later bite me in the butt. A few days later I concocted a story of how I was helping my best friend fix up his house. This was partly true. I was helping someone fix up his house, but it was an older gentleman. I didn’t tell her this because I didn’t want her to think of me as a weird person because I hang out with people in their 50’s. Anyways, I kept the story up and would tell her details of what we were doing in the house. I guess I did this because I wanted her to think that I was interesting like her boyfriend. Some stupid thing was in my mind that she wouldn’t want to be my friend if I wasn’t interesting. It was very stupid and childish. She then got a new dog and invited me over to see her. It was the first time that I was alone with her outside of school. I met her dog and her parents. I went to dog training with them and had dinner at her house. It was one of the best moments of my life. However, I started to have deep feelings for her. It was very hard to just be a friend. I would grow jealous when she would mention her boyfriend. So, a few days after I went to her house. I concocted a story to push her away. I was afraid that if she knew my true intentions that she would reject me and end the friendship. I would be an embarrassment in short. So, I came up with a story that I had a fight with my friend about the house and as a result he ended contact with me. This was supposed to prove to her that I was very volatile and not a great friend. I thought that she would take the hint and stop talking to me. Well, she didn’t. She stayed with me and wanted to be there for me. Because I didn’t know how to control my feelings, I became distant and belligerent towards her. I became cold to her boyfriend and didn’t want to talk to him. Her and I began to have fights over petty crap. We never had fights. As a result of my bull shit, she grew distant as well and pulled away. I tried to bring her back to how it was, but it just didn’t work. She began to text me less and we just didn’t have the chemistry anymore. So, I did a stupid thing to try and get us back to being friends; I wrote her a letter. In the letter, I came clean about the lie that I told her about the house. I used the fact that I was an alcoholic as an excuse as to why I lied to her. I still haven’t told her why I did it; I liked her and didn’t want her to reject me. Now, as a result of the letter, she won’t speak to me. We used to sit together in class; now she sits behind me. She won’t even say hi to me. I texted her a few months ago asking if we could talk it out. She said that me lying to her made her uncomfortable and that she didn’t want to have any contact with me anymore. She said that she would be civil. It’s been 3 months since we’ve talked. I ignore her and she does the same.
    I really miss her. I did the one thing that I said that I wouldn’t do- I betrayed her trust by lying to her. I just was so selfish and childish. If I couldn’t have her as a girlfriend, then I didn’t want her. What kind of person does that? She is the most kindest and sweetest person that I know. I just want to tell her that I am really sorry. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She was there for me and she cared about me. That’s all I have ever wanted. However, because of my jealousy and insecurity I couldn’t just be satisfied with this. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. I wish I could speak to her onr last time. I’m going to therapy and reading the bible. I’m trying to find god and let him do all the work. I’m trying to be less controlling and selfish as well. I’m turning a new leaf. What do you guys think? Should I try to talk to her? I don’t want to lose her. Thanks for taking the time to read all of this. I look forward to your replies.

    #112944
    anita
    Participant

    Dear spats1996:

    You asked: “Should I try to talk to her?” and “Can I mend the friendship?”

    My answer: Maybe later but not before you examine why you were not honest with her, why you lied about the age of the friend you helped with the house, why you made up a story that you had a fight with him…?

    Also to examine: your childhood: relationship between your parents and between you and your parents. Did you learn to hide the truth and try to manipulate circumstances from them?

    anita

    #112945
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi spats1996,

    I think she was lying to herself that you were just a friend. I could be wrong, but I believe she must have known on some level that you liked her romantically. After a year you kind of have a clue, you know?

    Then she was blindsided by the lie/confession. But she is uncomfortable NOT because you lied, but because now she has to admit to herself that you liked her all along. That she in fact lied to herself “Oh, he’s just a friend”.

    It’s hard because you’re graduating. Unless you would see her everyday, gently drop her, let it go, and chalk it up to a learning experience.

    Best,

    Inky

    #112948
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    You should know in your guns if there is more you can handle after failure .. we should know our crossing line. How many layers of your vulnerable dignity would you sacrifice in fight for Love?

    It’s a win or lose game.. neither way you’re winner. For me anyway xxx

    #112980
    spats1996
    Participant

    I think I lied because I’m afraid of rejection. That is why I lied about it all. I thought that if I wasn’t interesting that she would drop me. It stems from me being so insecure. I tried pushing her away because I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings for her. I thought that if I told her the truth that she would reject me and end the friendship. I never once hinted that I liked her. I don’t think that she doesn’t want to contact me because she thinks that I like her. She thinks that I’m a horrible person because I lied. She probably thinks that everything that I confided in her is a lie. I don’t think she cares anymore. I’m just very upset over this whole thing. What makes it worse is that I caused all this to happen.

    #112988
    anita
    Participant

    Dear spats1996:

    The reason I suggested that you examine the reasons you behaved the way you did with her is because if you don’t and you contact her and she responds positively, then again you will get scared of rejection and again you will give her the cold shoulder, withdraw from her and … lie to her. This will cause her more pain, more distrust and will make you more miserable.

    So better examine, look into things, gain more understanding than you have now before contacting her.

    If you go as early as you can in your memory, when did you start feeling rejectable? Was it in the context of your interactions with your parents- the ways they treated you?

    anita

    #113030
    Anne
    Participant

    This jumped out at me:

    > . If I couldn’t have her as a girlfriend, then I didn’t want her. What kind of person does that?

    The kind of person who does that, is the kind of person who knows their limits. It’s a person who knows that trying to be “friends” with someone they have feelings for is not authentic and true to themselves. As you’ve seen, when we deny the truth of ourselves, things get very complicated very quickly. I’m so sorry you’re hurting, and that you miss your friend <hugs>

    #113033
    spats1996
    Participant

    Anita: I definitely understand what you are saying now. I really don’t want to repeat history sort of speak. My rejection is mostly caused by my stuttering. I feel inferior to people because of it. Another possible reason is because of my older cousin. He made me feel like my normal self wasn’t acceptable. He tried to change my appearance and how I would interact towards people. Basically, I think because of him that being myself isn’t good enough. I have to make myself sound better in order to fit in. So, I think that’s why I made up the story of the house. As far as my parents, ever since I started doing well in school from an early age I was pressured and expected to do well in school. I was always afraid to disappoint my parents, especially my dad. So, I tried to please him in every aspect of my life. Maybe always trying to please people made me lie to her. Anyways, it really doesn’t matter because she probably will never want to talk to me. I’ve given up.

    #113034
    spats1996
    Participant

    Anne: Yes, I know that I wasn’t being authentic, but she didn’t deserve what I did to her. I acted like a spoiled child. I should have just accepted it and been a true friend. At least, it would have been better than losing her.

    #113036
    anita
    Participant

    Dear spats1996:

    You wrote that you were “always afraid to disappoint my parents, especially my dad. So, I tried to please him in every aspect of my life”- it is a scary way to exist, for a child, to be afraid to lose your father’s approval at any moment. It is a huge pressure to have to win his approval every day.

    If only you were approved of unconditionally by your father/ your parents, you could have relaxed, as a child, feeling safe, not afraid to lose their approval at any moment. Losing your parents’ approval, especially your father’s, was a constant threat you lived under as a child. This anxiety could have been what brought about your stuttering.

    You wrote: “Maybe always trying to please people made me lie to her”- we do resort to desperate measures when we feel threatened. I suppose you still live under the pressure of fearing losing approval, including this young woman’s approval.

    Did I understand you correctly in this post? Please let me know.

    anita

    #114911
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    We all lie sometimes because we think it’s for the best. The moment like this are here to teach us how to forgive if we really care. If she is able to forgive you, than you have found a true gold friend. Don’t worry if she doesn’t.
    Truth and forgiveness is a strong foundation of real friendship. Xxx

    #367731
    Alex
    Participant

    Hello spats, I’m wondering how things went for you after all.
    The thing is that I lied to a friend because of my fears to be rejected and now she doesn’t trust me anymore and I haven’t talked with her for almost a year now…
    “We’ve talked”  but it’s just me trying to explain and she ignoring me and telling me that it isn’t important for her anymore and that she couldn’t be my friend anymore because “it would feel weird”, and I understand her, but it seems that she doesn’t want to understand me…

    #367740
    anita
    Participant

    * Dear Alex:

    I hope the original poster will answer you, even  though his last post here was more than 4 years ago. If you want to share more of your story, here on this thread, or better- start your own thread (go to Forums above, choose a Category, scroll down and type in the empty boxes), please do so and I will reply to you.

    anita

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