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Lies – stay or leave?

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  • February 11, 2024 at 9:12 am #427732
    lunarforest
    Participant

    Hello Everyone,

    I am constantly feeling torn about what to do regarding my relationship. I have been with my partner for three years who I am now engaged to. I feel very scared to go through with getting married about 6 months from now. I am 31 and have a pattern of not trusting men and getting lied to/hurt. I know this lack of trust stems from something inside myself, my past, my upbringing, patterns, karma, my parents, etc. Here I am in life, living out this pattern and wishing things were different. When I first started dating my partner, he was still married but separated from his wife. They had been in an open relationship. These were all very strong red flags for me but I also felt I aligned with him on many things. His wife/about to be ex wife still came to their house to visit their shared cats, to pick up things that she left at the house and do laundry once in a while. My partner said he was trying to “consciously separate” from this woman and keep things amicable which I can respect. However, I was very uncomfortable with the thought of them being alone at their once shared home together. I was also uncomfortable with them talking at all over text, and my partner could see this so he started hiding/omitting the fact that she was still coming to the house to hang out with the cats/etc while he was there. He claims that he was no longer attracted to her and that they were just friends. He also said that the relationship fell apart due to a lack of intimacy, and that they had different love languages. He is very physically touch/massage oriented and she did not enjoy receiving/giving physical touch. So he says that he never cheated on me during this time and just hid the fact that she was coming to the house because he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable. Which I understand, but I was and still am very traumatized by the fact that he lied to me about all of this, which happened back in late 2020/2021. My intuition knew that he was lying about this, so I dragged it out of him and he finally admitted the hidden information. At first he only shared that he saw her one incident when he finally gave the cats away to her after selling his home. I kept saying “I feel like there is more you haven’t told me”, and for about four months I kept having these invasive nightmares of him cheating on me with his ex wife. One night he finally admitted that there was more as far as there being several times that she came to the house to visit the cats/etc. He promises that he never was with her intimately and that they were just friends. I decided to “believe” him and continue the relationship and here we are, engaged and I’m not sure if it’s where I want to be. He definitely has a pattern of lying because he doesn’t want me to judge/be angry at him, and to be fair I’m not the best at creating a safe space for uncomfortable conversations because I am very avoidant and always threaten him with leaving the relationship. It’s an unhealthy dynamic that we are in, and I am always questioning if I should stay with this man. Our lives are very intertwined as we work together running a mobile massage business, live together and share a car. I am also an independent woman and own a condo that I am renting to his brother but I am always fantasizing about just getting my condo back and leaving my partner because I don’t fully trust him and it’s hard to imagine myself marrying him sometimes and being with him and his lying patterns for many years to come. I know that I am not perfect either and bring my difficult parts to the relationship as well, but I feel like without honesty I don’t know how this is going to work for me long term. His ex wife has been completely out of his life for two years now since he gave their cats to her, but I am still traumatized by the lying/having things hid from me. And I still wonder if there is more that he hasn’t disclosed. The reason this is getting triggered for me is because last night I had another one of those invasive nightmares that is very reminiscent of the kind I was having back when he hadn’t disclosed everything. The kind of dream where he was cheating on me with his ex wife. I don’t know if this is stemming from my own fears, PTSD from the lying or if my intuition is trying to communicate something with me. Any outside advice here would be very much appreciated. Thank you for witnessing and reading my share.

    February 11, 2024 at 10:22 am #427734
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lunaryogini:

    I read your two June 30, 2023 posts on your Lying Fiancé thread, and your original post on the current Lies- stay or leave? thread, more than 7 months later. I would like to reply to you further later today. But for now, 3 things come to mind:

    (1) your “pattern of not trusting men“, as you called it, will most likely take place no matter the man you are involved with. Even a man who’d never lie to you about anything… there’s always the chance that maybe he will in the future,

    (2) I don’t see evidence that your fiancé is untrustworthy in regard to not having had an intimate relationship with his then estranged but visiting wife.

    (3) It would have helped if the man you were involved with never lied to you about anything, and if you attended (more?) quality therapy. Maybe a different man is the answer for you.

    Or maybe it’d help if you suggested and he agreed to take a lie detector test on the matters that concern you…?

    anita

    February 11, 2024 at 12:12 pm #427735
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lunaryogini:

    “He says he would be willing to take a polygraph test to prove that he hasn’t cheated on me as well” (June 2023)- I didn’t read this part earlier this morning, so, it’s interesting that he already brought up the polygraph test idea.

    “The reason he lied was because he was scared of my reaction because he knew I was very uptight about anything to do with his ex-wife… he is scared of my reaction if he would just tell me the truth“- in every man there is a scared little boy who is scared of a woman’s anger.

    “This morning, I was looking over our shared bank accounts and something came up along the lines of ‘EV raffle’ for $230 so I questioned him about it.  He lied and said that he did it last year… I don’t think $230 is a big deal but I am feeling very hurt and betrayed that he would lie to me about something so silly like this…We share finances, run two businesses together“- I don’t understand the reason behind this lie… have you been in the habit of criticizing his personal and business financial purchases and choices?

    “I tend to have big reactions to things like this so his fear in my reaction is justifiable” (June 2023)- big reactions such as raising your voice, getting emotional/ angry… interrogating him like a harsh detective interrogating a suspect?

    “I know this lack of trust stems from something inside myself, my past, my upbringing… I was and still am very traumatized by the fact that he lied to me about all of this, which happened back in late 2020/2021” (Feb 11, 2024)- You were in your late 20s back in 2020-21. I wonder who lied to you 20 years earlier, when you were a child, a lie so distressing that it traumatized you for years to come…?

    “For about four months I kept having these invasive nightmares of him cheating on me with his ex-wife. One night he finally admitted that there was more as far as there being several times that she came to the house to visit the cats/etc. He promises that he never was with her intimately.“- he admitted and promised, but he can’t admit wrongdoings that someone else (a parent perhaps) did to you and make promises in the name of that person. It never works for us when, as adults, we try to retroactively resolve childhood traumas by proxy of a romantic partner.

    “I am very avoidant and always threaten him with leaving the relationship“- it is abusive on your part to always threaten him, isn’t it?

    “I am also an independent woman and own a condo that I am renting to his brother, but I am always fantasizing about just getting my condo back and leaving my partner because I don’t fully trust him“- because you don’t trust him and because you are angry at him and want to punish him…?

    “His ex-wife has been completely out of his life for two years now since he gave their cats to her, but I am still traumatized by the lying/having things hid from me… last night I had another one of those invasive nightmares… I don’t know if this is stemming from my own fears, PTSD from the lying or if my intuition is trying to communicate something with me. Any outside advice here would be very much appreciated. Thank you for witnessing and reading my share“-

    – You are welcome. You mentioned PTSD originating from being lied to by this man, in your late 20s. Are you familiar with the concept (and diagnosis) of Complex PTSD, which is about suffering repeated trauma experienced in childhood? I suffer from C-PTSD, and I know how heavily and terribly it affected the great majority of my adult life.

    anita

     

    February 11, 2024 at 1:03 pm #427736
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lunaryogini:

    I thought maybe I’d share this with you: part of my c-PTSD consisted of endless sessions where my mother accused me of lying to her, even though I didn’t lie to her. She’d take any kind of (normal) inconsistency in what I said as proof to me lying for the purpose of hurting her feelings.

    Fast forward to today: in my first reply to you, I wrote that I read your June 2023 posts, and asked you about suggesting a polygraph test to your boyfriend. In my 2nd post, I wrote that I didn’t read the part of your June 2023 post where you wrote that he offered to take a polygraph test. In my mind, a voice screamed: she’d think that I lied! And I was distressed over it.

    I will explain the inconsistency here: I read parts of your 2023 posts. I didn’t read all of the two posts this morning. I read it all back in June last year. I have been a participant in the forums since May 2015, but deleted my account Feb 2023 and returned under a different account later in 2023. During my deleted time, I read all posts submitted, including yours.

    My mind is still trying to prevent my mother’s next accusatory and shaming session by locating where I was not consistent and trying to be exact in my wording. But no one, when speaking or typing away can be exact all the time or even much of the time, considering all interpretations and possible misinterpretations and like a lawyer, cover all possibilities in no uncertain terms.

    anita

    February 11, 2024 at 4:25 pm #427741
    Tommy
    Participant

    No one knows you better than you. However, yours is a viewpoint from only one side. Seeing you at 31 being engaged and about to be married, you now have feelings of distrust and don’t know what to do about it. Lie- leave or stay? I can only ask you if you are happy? Are you happy? Are you happy being with this man or not? He will not make you happy. You must find happiness in yourself first. Then, his presence will compliment your happiness. If you are not happy then his presence will only make for more grist for the mill. You then will only grind out more drama. If you do not think you can get over these deceptions then maybe it is time to be alone? Maybe you do not want to be alone? Can you survive a collision with yourself? I wish you well. And hope you find the happiness you deserve.

    February 12, 2024 at 8:51 am #427755
    Roberta
    Participant

    Dear Lunaryogini

    You chose to start a relationship with someone who was still in the process of untangling his relationship with his then wife even though you have trust issues with men! You chose to go into business with him & you chose to live with him nobody was holding a gun against your head.

    Until you get to the root of your core issues and address them, anxiety will be your companion in any relationship you have whether it is personal or business.  In general do you like the way that your fiance conducts himself? ie does he act with integrity with his clients, friends, family members & strangers. If he is kind  & compassionate & upfront. Then you probably can trust him.

    kind regards

    February 12, 2024 at 3:56 pm #427770
    lunarforest
    Participant

    Hi Roberta,

    Thanks for your reply. Yes, I do realize that I came into a relationship with a man still unwinding with his ex wife while I was someone with trust issues. However, like I said, we did and do align on a lot of things and I suppose the pros outweighed the cons for me. Looking back, I also feel as though I grew a lot as a person throughout that whole experience. Thanks again for your insight.

    February 12, 2024 at 4:00 pm #427771
    lunarforest
    Participant

    [quote quote=427741]No one knows you better than you. However, yours is a viewpoint from only one side. Seeing you at 31 being engaged and about to be married, you now have feelings of distrust and don’t know what to do about it. Lie- leave or stay? I can only ask you if you are happy? Are you happy? Are you happy being with this man or not? He will not make you happy. You must find happiness in yourself first. Then, his presence will compliment your happiness. If you are not happy then his presence will only make for more grist for the mill. You then will only grind out more drama. If you do not think you can get over these deceptions then maybe it is time to be alone? Maybe you do not want to be alone? Can you survive a collision with yourself? I wish you well. And hope you find the happiness you deserve.[/quote]

     

    Hi Tommy, thanks so much for witnessing my post and for your kind, insightful & wise reply. I wish you all the happiness you deserve as well.

    February 12, 2024 at 4:06 pm #427772
    lunarforest
    Participant

    [quote quote=427736]Dear Lunaryogini: I thought maybe I’d share this with you: part of my c-PTSD consisted of endless sessions where my mother accused me of lying to her, even though I didn’t lie to her. She’d take any kind of (normal) inconsistency in what I said as proof to me lying for the purpose of hurting her feelings. Fast forward to today: in my first reply to you, I wrote that I read your June 2023 posts, and asked you about suggesting a polygraph test to your boyfriend. In my 2nd post, I wrote that I didn’t read the part of your June 2023 post where you wrote that he offered to take a polygraph test. In my mind, a voice screamed: she’d think that I lied! And I was distressed over it. I will explain the inconsistency here: I read parts of your 2023 posts. I didn’t read all of the two posts this morning. I read it all back in June last year. I have been a participant in the forums since May 2015, but deleted my account Feb 2023 and returned under a different account later in 2023. During my deleted time, I read all posts submitted, including yours. My mind is still trying to prevent my mother’s next accusatory and shaming session by locating where I was not consistent and trying to be exact in my wording. But no one, when speaking or typing away can be exact all the time or even much of the time, considering all interpretations and possible misinterpretations and like a lawyer, cover all possibilities in no uncertain terms. anita[/quote]

     

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for your very thought out and thorough replies. It gave me a lot to ponder and think about. Thanks for your vulnerability in sharing your own experiences with your mother and c-PTSD. I think I was feeling very vulnerable and raw after having that nightmare about my partner, and did not handle it in the best way possible. Overall, I do trust him but I do have flare ups from having been lied to by him in the past. I definitely have some work to do on myself, as we all do. Thank you again for witnessing my post and wishing you the very best.

    February 12, 2024 at 5:02 pm #427775
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lunaryogini:

    You are very welcome and thank you fore your kindness and grace. Indeed we all have work to do on ourselves. Anytime you’d like to post again, please do, and I too wish you the very best!

    anita

     

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