>If the meds have helped you before, then I say go for it.
Thats the point – they didnt help me before. They gave me the short-team illusion of help and in the end they created much more problems that they solved in the first place.
Also, i want to write about two things.
At first, i realized that i still can’t forgive myself for allowing the things that happened and this self-defeating attitude that you may see in my thread is some kind of punishment for that. How to forgive yourself?
And second – why are memories so extremely painful? I know a lot of people experience it during breakup, but not like this. They are literally killing me. There are so many of them: school memories of hanging out with ex-friend, our last telephone conversation, behavior of my ex-gf in details, her facial expressions and weird shit she said during sex, and then our last goodbye, when i kissed her and saw her weird smile while i didnt know she already made up her mind to never meet me again. Those times when i left them two alone for a few minutes, just to get back and see that they are flirting with each other, while i thought that they just being friendly…those hurtful moments are countless. I feel like i stuck in some crappy cinema, watching this horror over and over again. I don’t want to sit there, but some chaing are holding me. How to break them? When i think that i will have to live all my life with those memories scares the hell out of me. You can’t edit them and you can’t erase them. Its so scary.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Mefisto.

Dude, great post you wrote. Im sure it can be helpful to other people here too, so the good thing is that my thread is not selfish anymore. I’d like to comment few things:

>I’ve been hurt and betrayed just like you have.
Can you tell the story?

>Do what feels right to you.
The issue is that everything feels wrong for me since that sh1t happened. And i mean everything. All of my actions lost any meaning, its like the fish trying to do something once shes already catched and lying on the beach without possibility to return into water. Stupid metaphor, but it explains this.

>we need to get past our life stories
I would like to do that, but it feels like a incredibly heavy weight holding my mind, keeping it obsessed over the past. Its stronger than me.

>You’re definitely not ready for a relationship, because you’ve got a tonne of work to do.
Yeah, i thought as much. But it can take many years until i can become wealthy, confident and self-sufficient man who left his huge failures behind, despite the chance that it might never happen at all. While i will struggle for many years, wasting my youth trying to achieve something, other boys my age will have all kinds of relationships. It may sound shallow and creepy, but i feel bad that i wont have sex at the age when sexual activity reaches its peak, while almost all of my coevals will have it. I know its not a competition and nobody cares, but still i feel like a loser.

>Plus, your ex sounds like a real bitch
Thats not entirely true. She suddenly became bitch in a few weeks, until that moment she was sweetest girl i ever met. Thats why its so hard to forgive myself for losing her.

>you saying you’re not capable of attracting girls who are better than your ex is just an opinion you’ve formed.
This opinion based on experience of last two months, when i went on dates with 3 hard-to-get beautiful girls and all of them rejected me terribly. Im starting to think that im not capable of attracting beautiful girls and relationship with my ex was just unique situation which wont repeat ever again. I don’t have genetic and psychological qualities that such girls will demand for their guy. My ex was somehow deceived by my successful behavior, but she got to know what kind of man i am very fast, and used this knowledge to manipulate me to the bitter end. Just week before she dumped me, i got in debt so i could buy her nice things for her birthday. I guess she already decided to betray me then, but anyway asked for more and more gifts from me and my ex-friend who also decided to betray me, but still continued to hang out with me. Memory of this week is making me wanna die. Worst time of my life.

>I think you’re doing this based on looks from your wording.
I’ve done this too, and it’s not helpful.
Yeah, i know. But i really cant help myself and stop analyzing girls through their looks. Its stupid, but if girl would be less cute and less smart than my ex, i will feel like i lost someone valueable who can’t be replaced.

>You are only 22 and one day you’ll most likely be married
Its very unlikely, i didnt believe in marriage even before this situation and now i just can’t understand how people can believe themselves when they are swearing to love one person forever. Its a biggest lie one human being can tell to another. After this experience, i realize that everyone, especially women, can incredibly change in a few moments. Letting woman to get right over half of your property just for being cheated on later and raising some kid that isnt yours? Not really a bright future.

>don’t feel like you need to rush into another relationship just because your ex did so. It’s a sign of weakness, so don’t envy it.
Yeah, its really a weakness. But i can’t forgive myself for letting her have so easy slut life. I said earlier that my ex-friend is rich and also naive, she would manipulate him for many things, he can pay for her studies and even pay her rent. She probably wont have to work the next five years, just jumping from one cock to another, while my ex-friend will pay for everything. She really doesn’t deserve any of this luxury.

>So many people cheat just because they’re cowardly and can’t stand the thought of having nobody.
So they hurt who they like, as long as they’re okay in the end.
Its so accurate thing you said there. And the bad things about me – i used to be okay with having nobody, i felt pretty much good living completely alone, but after this betrayal something broke inside me. I started to be dependent on anyone around me, craving for attention and appreciation, going on with any people, who even disgust me, just for sake having somebody. Its stupid, but i cant help myself.

>You have to allow yourself to FEEL what you’re going through, in order to come through to the other side.
Im afraid that my therapist is right and i can ruin my health if i wont get on meds. The ultimate hate and anger im feeling everyday is killing my body literally. Its possible that after another year of this life i will have very serious health problems.

>I can only hope that this life has some meaning and that they will pay for their actions later.
The sad thing i learned about life, that there is no justice whatsoever. Animal abusers, killers, rapists, thief, crooked politicians floating in happiness and luxury, while the good people keep suffering and dying. It has no meaning from my point of view. Thats why i feel like its wrong to bring kids into this sick world.

>You can’t change what’s already happened to you.
But you can learn from it.
The tough lessons i gained from this:
1. Don’t trust anybody
2. Don’t get attached to any relationship
3. Betray people before they would betray you

Its depressive lessons i must say. But i don’t see others.

>learned some things from the relationship, about yourself
I learned that im weak and insecure guy, who can’t predict obvious results of his actions and actions of people around him. Its so hard to forgive yourself after failure as huge as this.

• This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Mefisto.