I’ve been dating a wonderful woman for two years. We met at a time when we were both very happy and settled in our lives. I was doing what I loved and she was too. We had a great winter together, then she went traveling for three months and came back with the intention to return to school and start a completely different career. I decided that I could change and try to join her new life, but felt apprehension that I’d not be able to meet her expectations. In the last year I’ve left all that I had before and tried to keep up with her, and be supportive of her choices. I’ve chosen things I had serious internal doubts about, knowing they weren’t truly right for me but hoping I could stay with it long enough to adapt, break through and have the life with her I thought we were headed for. I thought this was how relationships had to be, and that if I didn’t stay the course I’d be alone again. We’ve recently been having great difficulty in our relationship as we talk at length about what we want for our lives. She has told me that she doesn’t believe in my career choices and doubts that I can equal her ambitions. When she said that, I thought to myself, “well, that’s about as clear as I could ask for”. However, I can’t help feeling that I am giving up and missing out on something that I could earn with more effort. I’ve read many books, studied websites like this one, and still I can’t bring myself to make changes. In order to follow her and be close I’ve been out of work for a month now and money is a stress as well. We still feel attached to one another and want to spend time together, but have decided that for her last year of school it might be best if I work on myself. I’m heartbroken that she’s lost her faith in me and feel that time alone would be bitter and dark. I yearn to go back to my old life, but that would close all the doors I’ve tried to open to be with her. I also worry that I see the past as being better, but it really wasn’t and I’ll give up everything to get back and be brokenhearted and sad there too. It would also be the verification of all the negative things I’d said in my mind about my shortcomings, proof that I’m not good enough. How do I decide what to do? How do I move on without feeling that I’ve failed and fallen short? Perhaps it’s just unavoidable to feel awful for a while.
I have the option to take a very remote short term job away from friends, family and in a rough climate with long hours, or to return to the place I really love, with friends and family, and continue to struggle with money. Or I can keep trying to change myself to stay in this relationship and get through the fall and winter somehow, invent career ambition on her scale somehow, and keep it together.
I don’t want to let her down, or her family, or feel like a failure, but I feel hopeless about getting better results in the relationship. I’m also developing symptoms of depression and feel hopeless about the whole picture, really. If I truly follow my heart I’d go back to friends, family, the simple life, and believe I could rediscover the happiness and contentment I had when we met. The feelings of loss and sadness are paralyzing me. I’ve felt very negative about myself for some time now, and I’m losing my ability to make decisions and trust myself. What should I do?