August 22, 2013 at 8:00 pm #41024
In January when I started to make changes to my life, I had it all figured out. Somewhat of a plan. I was going to separate from my husband, distance myself from my controlling narcissistic Mother, lose weight, gain self confidence, get a job (not all in those order). I was excited. So I went out looking for a job, since that is the first thing I need for the separation. I have put in so many job applications and have only gotten two interview and no job. I have actually gained weight from being stressed out about life, living in the same house but separately from my soon to be ex, my relationship with my Mom and so many other things.
I want to be this role model for my children that I never had but I don't know how. I feel like I do not know how to do life. I am a very caring, hands on Mom. I love my kids but I am having to seek counseling for two of my children because their anxiety is so bad. I feel thisis my fault. I try to not let them see me cry or worry but am I passing this onto them? Am I doing something wrong?
Some days I wake up and feel strong. I was doing better until my friend lost it on me and since then I seem to be in this lost depressed state that I can't get out of. We have been like sisters for 12 years. We always share everything and now it's uncomfortable talking to her. I feel alone. I don't know how to make friends or feel confident. Especially since I am at my highest weight. I can't look in the mirror because I make myself sick.
I feel like instead of making my year better I've some how made it worse. I can no longer sleep at night. I'm stressed. I'm lonely and I feel confused about my life. I want better for me and my children but I feel I am failing them. I do not know how to pick myself up anymore.
I need advice. Please.August 22, 2013 at 10:22 pm #41027
Hopeful, your story made me feel for you. I know what it's like to feel like you have no one on your side.
A couple of things have helped me with clarity over the last couple of weeks and they are:
1. Be aware of and learn to control your inner-critic. No one is more harsh on you than yourself and once you gain awareness of the inner-critic in your head and learn to simply stop the negativity, you'll have space in your mind to thinkly clearly and productively.
2. Meditate. It was so helpful for me to download a Mindfulness app which has guided meditations. These guided meditations help you to focus and actually begin the meditation session (as I found starting was the hardest part). I didn't have much faith in myself to actually be any good at meditation but this app really allowed me to clear my mind and feel a complete peace. Starting at 1 minute, then 3, then 5 is a great way to ease yourself into it and make it a daily part of your life.
I feel if you have the right frame of mind and radiate positivity to the world, good things will come your way.
You can do this, one step at a time.
xAugust 23, 2013 at 7:27 am #41039
First of all I want to say congratulations for making your decision. However it is much easier making the decision, than getting to the point where we have to implement it. Once implemented it is even more difficult to stay on that path. You must realize that “Rome was not built in one day”. How long did it not take you to get to the point where you made your decision? You are going to have to take it one tiny step at a time… It took me over two years of hell and a deep dark prison of depression to rebuild my life with my debilitating illness but here I am nearly at the end of my “Rebuilding stage”.
Set yourself a monthly goal and start working on that goal on a daily basis. Reward yourself at the end of that month when in fact you did achieve your goal. On the days that you feel you having a dip have your “Pity Party” but never allow yourself to stay there for longer than a day. Remember we all make mistakes and fail. That is no sin. Your sin will be to give up and not try again.
You cannot blame yourself for your kids’ anxiety unless you physically cause them to be anxious. However the kids might “feel” your anxiety although you are not showing it. Subconsciously it will show. First of all you are going to have to learn to LOVE YOURSELF and not to criticize yourself all the time. You are going to have to become happy & content within yourself, accept your weight and your body. This takes quite some training but with sheer determination you can do it. Once you have achieved this your life will fall in place and you will start losing weight. Remember a Happy and content YOU will result in a happier and more relaxed mommy which in return results in happy content kids and a loving and happy home.
Also remember if you did in fact go through with your divorce, this will work on the children. Assure them that what happened between you and your husband is not their fault and that you both still love them. Explain to them that as two adults you outgrew each other.
Never rely on other people to define who you are. You are your own unique creation, a one of a kind and you should never change yourself to suit and keep other happy. I’m not sure what the mishap between you and your friend was but I am sure if you sit and talk it out with her, the two of you should work it out. Be honest with each other and explain to her how you feel and that she hurt your feelings. Remember your best friend should be able to criticize and be brutally honest. (At least that is what I expect of my true friends). You must be prepared to take constructive criticism and work on a few pointers; if they were valid. As a human we sometimes do not want to see the truth or accept it but once you actually do think about what was said you will realize there are maybe some truths in what was said. I hope you and your friend work out your differences.
Be strong my girl and be yourself. Love yourself and be happy with yourself. Remember no one can change your life but yourself. Everyone can give advice but if you are not going to listen to some and actually take heed, your life will not change. Therefore, start in rebuilding yourself and from there your life, your kids, your home and everything else will fall in place.
I am leaving you with this PICK ME UP line and My motto I live by now:
YOU CANNOT LEAD A POSITIVE LIFE WITH A NEGATIVE MIND!
Wishing you all of the best on your journey to recovery.August 23, 2013 at 7:34 am #41040August 28, 2013 at 7:32 pm #41366
HaveLipsWillSmile – Thank you so much for your kind words. I am definitely my own worst critic. I cannot seem to get out of my own head most of the time. It is causing me to not get but maybe 4 hours of sleep at night. I feel so alone and am trying to keep telling myself just because I haven't gotten the job I want or things aren't going the way I had planned I need to find happiness in the hard times. For the past couple of days I have tried to switch my focus on what I do have. I have 3 beautiful children. I have my health (even though I need to lose weight), I have a roof over my head, food to eat and so much more that other people don't have. Do you know of any other guided meditations either online or cheap to buy? I do not have an Iphone/Ipod or anything to download an app on.
FabulousityGirl – Thank you also. I read both of your comments right after you wrote them and seemed to just keep going into a deep depression. Crying, anxiety attacks, no sleep, so it is taking me time to write back. I have had another talk with my best friend and I honestly believe it's because of me changing. She is the woman that has everything (money, wonderful husband, big house, new cars, vacations) and I am the friend who has always struggled financially to get by. She always says she just wants me to be happy yet when she sees that I am having bits of happiness in all of the yuck I am in she seems to want to put me in my place. Like I don't fit that role. So I am really distancing myself from her. When we do talk I talk about nothing personal, only about her or things that don't really matter.
I have also been doing a bunch of talking with my daughter and am waiting on a phone call back for a psychologist meeting with her. I never had the Mom that encouraged me in difficult times. I unfortunately had the Mom that would cry right along with me when I was sad or I had hurt her feelings or embarrassed her (I embarrassed her a whole bunch as a child). I hear people say, “be yourself” and I am honestly confused by it. It saddens me that I am because I don't really know who I am. I do know I'm the fat, quiet, awkward woman that doesn't know what to say or fit in. I wear clothes that aren't ugly but it helps me blend in and not be seen. I don't want to be seen by people. I was raised to be an extension of my Mother. I was always disappointing her even though I think back and wonder how since I lived my life on such edge and would have major anxiety attacks when I did something wrong because I knew she would go to the other side of her bed and lay on the floor sobbing for hours. I guess, I'm just trying to figure out who I am. I am starting to know but the truth is my Mom has such a huge role in my life it's hard when she is constantly putting me down for anything I say/do that she doesn't agree with or didn't come up with.
I want to enjoy this journey of life, I just don't know how. I wasn't taught how, I was taught to go to church, pray, fear God, and basically be perfect. I was so close to perfection as a kid/teenager but was never happy. So I am just trying to figure out a balance I guess.