In the recent years of my life, I knew what I should do, what to focus on, etc. Especially now.

But the thing is I’ve got obstacles, that I’m not always able to fight off effectively.

Few months ago I made a critical decision in my life. I had two choices in my view. It was either to keep having contact with that person (which leads to a further group of people) – socialize, do things together, etc. BUT tolerating so many bad influences and behaviors OR say no to all of that.
I’ve chosen the latter and ultimately cut the contact. Even though, I knew I would have to deal with loneliness. But I’ve been there before I believed I could handle this. More to that – there are dreams my mind is focused on, I was getting away from them as I continued that relationship and as a result began to hate myself for that and pick on others as well as if it was their fault. That was toxic because I was the one who decided to keep going like that. The period of uncertainty was a long one, before I made a final choice, but along the way, I only ensured myself it was the right thing to do and when the catalyst came it happened.

Now I’m very careful with letting people in my life, I don’t really put myself out there (it’s especially hard during the times we live in now, isn’t it?). I try to protect my life structure and build something that I will know and believe is worth preserving, so even if I meet wrong people in my life it will be clear to me what should I do (to not engage with them out of fear of loneliness, as I did in the past).
I’m afraid of inviting the wrong people into my life and letting the cycle repeat.

I know that socializing from time to time is crucial for human beings, so sometimes I might feel sad.

I’m especially sad when there is nice, sunny, or warm weather outside – knowing people are hanging out, having a good time – it makes me feel somewhat stressed. When I remind myself when I was going out too, I feel like I’m missing out. Ironically back then I felt like I was missing out on spending time with myself, doing “right things” to get my life together (but not always, oftentimes I just had a good time). So when the weather is worse, I don’t feel the pressure as much and it doesn’t affect me in a negative way – on the contrary, it brings me a sense of peace.

Most of the obstacles are feelings that I experience throughout my life journey, so I cope by for example playing some video games and tending to “stay in that shelter” for a while but in the end, it solves nothing. They are often derailing me off the path that I’ve set for myself, making me post-pone important things for me and ultimately fear of missing out.

I don’t know what’s the issue.

Maybe all this time I believed that I’m not enough? In these dark times, I got my mind clouded with negative feelings, I try to fight off by setting myself reminders with positive affirmations.

It can be hard to maintain good life discipline or mental hygiene.

Whenever mom sends me a message “how I’m doing?” I always answer “okay”. But it’s not always okay. It’s hard for me to open up, it really is. I also notice a pattern in my family (uncles etc.) that basically everybody is miserable, unhappy, or struggling. I think there is some kind of negative mental conditioning passed through generations and it somewhat got me too.

I have very few people I can trust or talk to (including online). I see them on very rare occasions, but they have their own lives so I feel I can’t connect with them, or maybe I’m afraid, so I don’t really make any initiatives?

I got that fear of rejection, so I’m afraid to connect on a deeper level as well.

From the outside, I might appear a busy person. But I believe it comes out of the need to prove to others, that I’m worth something. Inside, I feel lonely.

For most of the problems, what might work is standing back look at my life/situation, and understand something from a bigger picture. But I haven’t mastered this just yet. Instead, I react by various coping mechanisms.