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Life Worth Living- what is it like?

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  • July 6, 2025 at 10:07 pm #447366
    anita
    Participant

    Journaling, motivated by precious Alessa’s input:

    In between seeing my mother as the innocent child that I have hurt and harmed (her claim), and seeing me as the innocent child that she has hurt and harmed-

    See this gap?

    There’s an adjustment I need to make: who is the destroyer; who is the destroyed? Who is whom?

    Yes, I see it: she was the destroyer; I was the one destroyed.. by her.

    Yes, I see.

    So, evil is just this and nothing else: destroying the weak because they are weak.

    Yes, I see.

    Yes, I understand.

    A definition of evil= targeting the weak for destruction because they are weak.

    Yes, I was weak.. she detected my weakness and went about destroying me.. simply because it was easy, because she could.

    The child that my mother was is long gone.

    Anita

    July 7, 2025 at 2:01 pm #447378
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I’m really sorry. It is not an easy conversation to have. ❤️

    You really were just a sweet innocent child deserving of a life filled with love and kindness. It is a shame that many people don’t get what they deserve and that you were hurt so horribly by your own mother, someone who should have been a safe and comforting presence.

    July 7, 2025 at 6:10 pm #447379
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alessa:

    Thank you so much for your kindness and for seeing that part of me. I’m only just beginning to see it myself. Your message helped me feel a little more grounded in that truth—and a little less alone with it.

    You’re right—it’s heartbreaking how many people don’t receive the love and safety they deserve, especially from those who were meant to protect them. But your compassion is a reminder that healing can happen in connection, and that we can offer each other the care we didn’t always receive.

    I’m truly grateful for your presence. Thank you for walking alongside me. ❤️

    With warmth, Anita

    July 7, 2025 at 8:34 pm #447380
    anita
    Participant

    journaling-

    For those of you (my.. many readers, ha ha) who wonder why I journal- the reason is the deep disconnect I lived through for so long- a stranger to myself. The stories I tell here about my early life, because of the disconnect, I haven’t been able to find myself in these stories. So, I kept telling my stories trying so to find ME in the stories.

    I went missing from my life at a very early age.

    My stories didn’t feel real.

    I have been so very confused, for so very long.

    And in all that, in my disappearance-act, my MOTHER was a looming presence, like a.. Goddess of Misery.

    So histrionically miserable (those endless episodes of how-miserable-I-am-and-I-will-tell-you-all-about-the-many-many-many-miseries), that there was no space for me, no right to have my own space.

    Had to cure her misery first.. then maybe, maybe there’ll be some space for me.

    Failed.

    It is recently that I am reclaiming my lost, stolen space.

    I do it here, in my threads, and I do it on the dancing floor- 70s-80s free style, always after a few drinks.

    And when it happens, like it did last Saturday, a band was playing on the stage outdoors- I started to move to the music (Tom Petty’s music), and MAGIC!

    Dozens of people could see me, and they did, and I didn’t mind. I moved to the music and felt so very ALIVE.

    ..My mother would have never allowed me to dance.. not as long as she was Miserable.

    I would be BAD if I danced while she was miserable.

    Captive By Her Misery.

    So, I danced last Saturday.

    After the dancing (a shy smile on my face right now), two men approached me, separately, and suggested to get to know me better. Seems like they found my dancing.. attractive? The second man seemed sincere, told me he watched me dancing and was.. intrigued, don’t remember his exact words, was tipsy. He seemed like a decent older man, sincerely interested, he really tried to get his message across.

    So, well, I declined.

    My dream is to dance The Billie Jean.. well, I already did, a bit, his moves, well, a few of his moves.

    To summarize it, I suffocated in my mother’s misery, cared too much, couldn’t, wouldn’t allow myself any happy, not for as long as she was so deeply miserable.

    D.A.N.C.I.N.G

    Anita

    July 7, 2025 at 9:43 pm #447381
    anita
    Participant

    In regard to the title of my thread: “Life Worth Living”- life that is worth living is a life where you FEEL alive. A life where you are in the center of it, LIVING. The way I “lived” so much of my life.. honestly, it wasn’t worth it.

    Life is a matter of quality (REALLY living), not a matter of quantity.

    And.. I am living the quality right now, these months, these few years.. increasingly so- Q.U.A.L.I.T.Y.

    Listening to B. B. King, The Thrill is Gone.. totally danceable!

    Now, listening to the Bohemian Rhapsody.. “Momma.. didn’t mean to make you cry… Momma…. I wish I was never been born at all”- my sentiment… See how important MOTHERS are..?

    The Billie Jean, live performance, 1997 (I was 36, he was 37 or 38), NO GREATER TALENT, no doubt! The dance moves.. W.O.W… The moon walk.

    Sinea’d O’Connor (born 6 years after me, died 2 years ago), “Nothing Compares… ”

    Whitney Houston, “I will always love you” (born 2 years after me, died 3 years ago).

    Not yet dark outside, birds alive and singing. It makes me feel good to hear them!

    Anita

    July 7, 2025 at 10:01 pm #447382
    anita
    Participant

    Just like that, completely dark, no sound of birds. Complete silence. They will be back in.. six hours, right???

    July 7, 2025 at 10:32 pm #447384
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    It is mind boggling to me that anyone would want their children to be anything other than happy. How cruel and selfish can a person be? Denying their child happiness, trying so hard to crush it. Absolutely disgraceful behaviour. Disgusting! How heartbreaking that you had to live through that hell of being denied happiness for so long.

    I’m glad that you are reclaiming your happiness which used to be denied. You deserve every second of it. Making up for lost time. Let your light shine! 🔆 ❤️

    For the record, I don’t think that innocent sweet child is one part of you. You grew up to be a sweet and kind woman. ❤️

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