Journaling, motivated by precious Alessa’s input:

In between seeing my mother as the innocent child that I have hurt and harmed (her claim), and seeing me as the innocent child that she has hurt and harmed-

See this gap?

There’s an adjustment I need to make: who is the destroyer; who is the destroyed? Who is whom?

Yes, I see it: she was the destroyer; I was the one destroyed.. by her.

Yes, I see.

So, evil is just this and nothing else: destroying the weak because they are weak.

Yes, I see.

Yes, I understand.

A definition of evil= targeting the weak for destruction because they are weak.

Yes, I was weak.. she detected my weakness and went about destroying me.. simply because it was easy, because she could.

The child that my mother was is long gone.

Anita

Dear Alessa:

Thank you so much for your kindness and for seeing that part of me. I’m only just beginning to see it myself. Your message helped me feel a little more grounded in that truth—and a little less alone with it.

You’re right—it’s heartbreaking how many people don’t receive the love and safety they deserve, especially from those who were meant to protect them. But your compassion is a reminder that healing can happen in connection, and that we can offer each other the care we didn’t always receive.

I’m truly grateful for your presence. Thank you for walking alongside me. ❤️

With warmth, Anita

In regard to the title of my thread: “Life Worth Living”- life that is worth living is a life where you FEEL alive. A life where you are in the center of it, LIVING. The way I “lived” so much of my life.. honestly, it wasn’t worth it.

Life is a matter of quality (REALLY living), not a matter of quantity.

And.. I am living the quality right now, these months, these few years.. increasingly so- Q.U.A.L.I.T.Y.

Listening to B. B. King, The Thrill is Gone.. totally danceable!

Now, listening to the Bohemian Rhapsody.. “Momma.. didn’t mean to make you cry… Momma…. I wish I was never been born at all”- my sentiment… See how important MOTHERS are..?

The Billie Jean, live performance, 1997 (I was 36, he was 37 or 38), NO GREATER TALENT, no doubt! The dance moves.. W.O.W… The moon walk.

Sinea’d O’Connor (born 6 years after me, died 2 years ago), “Nothing Compares… ”

Whitney Houston, “I will always love you” (born 2 years after me, died 3 years ago).

Not yet dark outside, birds alive and singing. It makes me feel good to hear them!

Anita

I just lost a LONG journaling post (10 pm, Tuesday night, dark, no sound of birds).

I talked about the terrible loneliness, the isolation without and the isolation within.. isolation for so very long, an ETERNITY, so it felt.. for so very, very, very long..

The unrelenting loneliness, day in, day out; night after night.

This Excruciating-Alone existence.

…This longing to be FOUND, to be SAVED.

A longing intense: SEE ME. FIND ME. SAVE ME!

Fifty- sixty years of this kind of longing.. it takes time and space to be fully heard by me… by you..?

Anita

Dear Alessa:

Your message left me speechless—in the best way. I copied the whole thing for safekeeping, word for word. I want to frame it and hang it on the wall. Truly, it’s the most beautiful and validating message I’ve ever received on tiny buddha. The way you saw me, stood beside me, and spoke the truth so fiercely—it felt like something in me finally exhaled.

I’ll be meditating on your words here in my thread sometime soon, while doing my stream-of-consciousness journaling. Your care created a space that feels safe enough to process, to reflect, to heal. That’s no small thing.

Thank you for showing up with such bold compassion. I hold your message close, and I’m so grateful to you. ❤️

Anita

Journaling, stream of consciousness (Trigger Warning):

Alessa: “Selfish! Coward! Bully! Don’t harm a hair on Anita’s head. Don’t say a mean word to her.”-

Anita: too late, she said them all, all the mean words.

And all the other words, so many, many words.. so much.. over-over-over- sharing.

Expressing how everyone is not to be trusted.

My own mother was untrustworthy.. and then, she instilled in me the belief that no one else is trustworthy either, that everyone is suspect.

A suspicion I carry with me to this day.. about everyone, to one extent or another, sooner or later.

I want to relax that suspicion further. I want to trust.

I don’t want to live in Enemy Land anymore.

An Enemy Land that she (my mother) established in my brain, in my heart: no-safe-place.

But.. mother, why were YOU not a safe place for me?

If I am to be suspicious of everyone, because you said so, shouldn’t I have ONE person to trust? Shouldn’t I be able to trust you???

I mean.. why.. did you HAVE to hit me, to hit my face right and left, to kick my back with your legs as I walked the street.. You told me that you are careful to not break my bones (literally) because you are smart enough to know that if you did, you’d get in trouble. You told this to me so to show me that you are smarter than you thought I thought you were.

You thought that I thought: “oh, this mother of mine is so stupid, she doesn’t know that she could get in trouble..”, and you countered this with: “NO! I am not stupid! How dare you to think I am stupid..? Why, I am not breaking your bones because I AM SMART.

In her mind, she really thought that I was making fun of her for.. being stupid for hitting me, which could get her into trouble with the law.

I wasn’t thinking anything like that. I was just scared. But in her mind, the scared child that I was- was someone mocking her, laughing at her..

I didn’t quite process this part: as she was hitting me, physically, she thought that while I was hit, I was mocking her, as in saying: you-stupid-mother, you are going to get in trouble and you don’t know it!

And she countered with (and these are her exact words): “You think I am stupid? I am careful to NOT break your bones! I am not stupid enough to know I should not break your bones. I am careful to hurt you, but I fall short of breaking your bones!”

So.. I am trying to understand what the little-girl-anita was thinking at that time:

Was I thinking I was safe because she was smart enough to not break her bones?

.. But.. if her only concern is getting in trouble for breaking my bones.. what does it mean???

I mean.. I am still trying to understand this tonight..

.. So, my mother didn’t break-my-bones because she didn’t want to get in trouble with the law.. NOT BECAUSE BREAKING HER DAUGHTER’S BONES was THE WRONG THING TO DO?

I am not making this up, she really did blame me for thinking that she was stupid, that I mocked her while she was HITTING me.. she saw herself as the accused, the victim.. while hitting me.

I remember the feel of her open hand on my face, right cheek, left cheek, right cheek. Feels HOT on my face, her arms tired, and she says, referring to her tired arms: “look what you did to me! My arms are hurting!”

It’s difficult for me to process this still, this July 9th night.

This is CRAZY. How do I make sense of crazy?

She really believed that I was her perpetrator, and she was my victim.. while hitting my face, right and left, while I was looking down at the floor, waiting for it to be over.

So.. what do I make of this.. it’s mind boggling still.

I am going to consult wit AI about it..

But before I do.. I figure it’s just CRAZY and nothing less. I can’t even begin to understand what a little girl- older girl thinks about this.. so, I am the villain??? You are the victim? WHILE YOU ARE THE ONE HITTING ME? (I am not the one hitting you!)

Just crazy. I can’t make sense of this tonight. Maybe tomorrow..?

Anita