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Lifelong crush… maybe destroyed?

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  • #373285
    Belle
    Participant

    I really don’t know how to condense this all into one post so I apologize in advance for the length. If this is not allowed or just too much, please just forget me because I will understand lol. Oh boy. I just turned 29, and I have been crazily crushing over a guy who was with me in my first-grade class. So, I’ve been hung up on this guy since 1st grade… like age 5 here. He always liked me too, we flirted all through elementary school to college. We ended up hanging out several times once we hit our 20’s and he’d always do this hot and cold behavior with me. As in, texting me and hanging out and having a great time, then going silent on me. Then getting into 3-year relationships with girls, then back to me when he was single. Let me be clear that this guy and I NEVER once hooked up or even kissed during these hang outs. But it just always seemed like there was so much mutual respect, humor, chemistry, appreciation, etc. The connection I have with him is completely unmatched. Fast forward to August of last year, I decided to spontaneously text him because I found out that once again, he had just gotten out of his latest 3-year relationship. I was also single and I thought it was a good time to try again. We discussed hanging out several times, but our schedules kept not lining up. But he would reminisce with me about me how far we go back, and how I’m the only friend he’s kept in touch with (loosely) from school, how funny, pretty, and smart I am. We didn’t talk again for a couple of months. On Christmas Eve 2020, he texted me “Merry Christmas!” out of nowhere, so it really made me feel good. He then reached back out to me soon after that, asking what I had been up to, and offered to catch back up. We finally got to hang out (for the first time since 2013!) on January 4th of this year. He took me out of town to eat, put so much effort into the restaurant choice, complimented me on my outfit and hair, came to pick me up, and bought my food. I am a pretty non-traditional girl who doesn’t expect stuff like that, so I usually don’t mind at all paying my part, but he insisted, and I appreciated the gesture. We reminisced so hard… we had the BEST time. I seriously felt so at ease with him, so comfortable, so seen and heard. He asked me what my opinions were on the music choices he was playing in his truck, and I forgot to mention that he chose Fleetwood Mac to be playing when I first got in his truck because he knows how much I love them. It’s just little stuff like this that he remembers about me from years ago that I appreciate. We got excited about possibly going to some zoos and museums together and bonded over shared morals too. It was the most fun I have had with a man in my entire life, and it was just too perfect to be true because I already have always liked him, and I feel like now as an adult… I can TRULY appreciate the man he’s become even more just from crap relationships in the past. We’ve always had so much respect for each other. After dinner, we went back to his place, watched The Witcher (which we just realized we also share a love for) while slightly cuddling on his couch. Nothing funny, no touching really. He even made me a fire. He took a photo of me with his pet cat, and I didn’t even know about it until he sent it to me over text. When it was over, he handed me my shoes and coat.

    So, what’s the problem? Here’s where things start getting weird. When he drove me home, he got out of the truck to open my car door (which I also do not expect but appreciate), and we stood in my driveway as I thanked him for everything. He then looked at me with his usual stare… it’s always been this LOOK that he gives me but we’ve never discussed our feelings. Then he reached to hug me, and as he did, he looked at my lips and back at me, and I realized OH MY GOD IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING. Like talk about a 20 some year build up. We kissed each other, not too crazy but not a peck on the lips either. Then he went back to his truck and left because it was really late and he was exhausted. We said nothing. He texted me when he got home around 2 am to tell me he was home, mind you, he is not a night owl so I was not expecting this either and I appreciated the thought. Okay, so a day passes. I heard nothing from him. I thought… hmm, he’s probably trying to play it cool and not bombard me. But I just could not get over the crazy chemistry and good time we had, and the KISS, with all this history we have of liking each other. So, I reached out the next day (this being two days after the hang out). I got straight to the point and told him I’d really like him in my life more. He agreed. I then asked him what his intentions were with me. He told me that he was sorry he got carried away with the kiss, and that he hoped it had not made me uncomfortable because it was so sudden. Then he explained that he was really just hoping to get to know me better, to reconnect and hang out more because we have always known each other, but never got the chance to really KNOW each other all those years ago as younger people. I asked him if he was looking to hang out to work towards a relationship or if he just wanted to be bro’s. He said that he did like me, but that he was emotionally drained and not in the headspace to take on a relationship right now because of the last girl he tried to talk to who turned out to cause a lot of drama for him, and everything else that happened to him last year. I completely understood but told him that the kiss and the signals were just a TAD confusing and hurt because he was really flirting with the dinner, the fire, the EFFORT. He apologized and told me he was sorry to confuse me and he didn’t want to hurt me. He said he respected me a lot and that he thought I deserved a lot because I am such a good person, so he would respect my boundaries. I appreciated that but I found it odd because it was him who was setting the boundary of not wanting the relationship. I worried here that he may just want to be friends with benefits then, and told him I just take kissing seriously but that I agreed to take it easy. He said, “we’ll just let nature take its course then?” He then admitted that he really enjoyed the kiss and it would be hard for him to reel it back but he would. I then just addressed the elephant in the room and told him that I had always liked him. He actually reciprocated and said he had always thought we liked each other too, but just never acted on it. He kept gushing about me and I kept joking and saying, “Then date me.” He actually liked my straightforwardness and verbalized that he appreciated me getting to the point. He just said that he needed to “make sure that the girl he tried to talk to last year would leave him alone” and that he was worried about her being a problem or something bad happening to me because of her. I was very confused. He was just saying essentially that a girl he cut ties with was obsessing over him, and he didn’t want me to be a part of the drama and didn’t want to date me until he was in the clear, I guess?

    The next day, I realized I forgot my scarf in his truck. I contacted him a day after this though to once again give him a little space. He told me he would actually be in my area that night if I wanted the scarf then, or if I’d rather him give it to me on another day when he could carve out a day of plans for me. I chose the day of plans, obviously. So, we planned to go hiking this past Sunday about a week in advance. It was his idea, he asked if I would like to go walking with him. I then said we should make hot chocolate when we got back to his house. He agreed and told me to look up some good recipes for it, and he’d go to the store to get the ingredients soon. For the next four days in a row, he started texting me every evening promptly as he got home from work, as if we were dating. I was so confused as to why he suddenly felt like he had to check in with me? He even checked back in with me last Wednesday evening as he was out grocery shopping to make sure he had all we’d need for the hot chocolate. Once again, the rest of the week, all the way up until Saturday, he was checking in with me daily. On Thursday evening, he was flirting again with me through text and said that I had ocean eyes… like the song. He told me the song made him think of me. Then I shared my painting I was working on with him and he told me he thought it was really attractive that I just paint and do art for fun. I really appreciate that he likes things about me that mean something to me, that he sees me. Then I told him that there have always been several songs that make me think of him. He told me that the cardinals he saw that morning outside of his cabin reminded him of me too because we both love birds. All these signals of mutual appreciation, right? Then out of nowhere, he says, “wouldn’t it be crazy if you and me ended up getting married? What a funny story would that be, the classic ‘How did you both meet?’” I was like… wow. I told him I’ve actually always visualized that too. Then he was smitten that I agreed and I said, “YES. I’VE HAD A BIG FAT CRUSH ON YOU MY ENTIRE LIFE!!” He said, “I’m getting emotional. You’re the first girl I ever liked in my life!!” I quickly said, “You’re being sarcastic! No way, really?” He said, “I’m serious, I’m not joking. This is sweet. Like really sweet…” It was just…insanely too good to be true. This is 20 or so years in the making for us. Stuff I’ve wanted him to say to me my whole life.
    Sunday came and I drove to his place. We went hiking and once again our hang out time was amazing. Just… calm and exciting at the same time. The craziest sweet peace and fun I’ve ever experienced. He put his arm around me, complimented me out the wazoo, flirted like crazy and seemed genuinely stoked to be with me. I catch this guy also lingering his stare at me when I look away. I can see him just like stare at me with fondness. He then bought me dinner again, and we went to Walmart to pick out a movie to watch. When we got back to his place, he hugged me, made a fire again, tucked me into warm blankets and we made the hot chocolate. He then lied next to me on the loveseat, and put his head down on my shoulder. I put my head down on his and we sat in comfortable silence for like 20 minutes. Then, we watched the movie. During the movie, he slowly started trying to cuddle closer to me. After the movie was over, he was getting super sleepy and laid his head back down on my shoulder and put his arm around me. Then, he looked up at me and kissed me. We started making out, and it got intense. Too intense, the makeout session last a good 15 minutes at least. It escalated and then he’s on top of me, grabbing me, kissing my chest and belly, and I could tell he was really wanting to go all of the way. I was not, even though he’s my dream guy I’ve wanted forever… I knew deep down that in the past he has been hot and cold with me and he JUST had expressed he was not ready to do a relationship right now. So, I had immense walls up, not to mention I’m extremely insecure about my body and I just wouldn’t let go. I had to stop him, and he was very respectful. He said, “No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He kissed my forehead. We laid back down in silence for like 10 minutes… and it starts up again. He just like can’t help it, he gave me the LOOK. We started and stopped making out about 5 times, either I’d stop him, or he’d stop himself. Each time we’d just laugh because the temptation was just too much. I know I do not owe anyone sex, but I started spiraling and thinking… what if I lose him? What if he’s over it? I started to flirt with him again. I stupidly got on top of him and took off my top. More making out ensued. Finally, we both stood up and I planned to just leave because it was insanely late and he had work early the next morning. He stood behind me asking me what was wrong because he could see worry on my face. I said I just felt bad and was worried he was upset at me. He told me I was thinking too much about it, that it was okay. I then stupidly wiggled my ass on him and he picked me up and threw me back down on the couch and said he wanted me so badly. He then says, “No, I’m more of a man than this.” And stood back up. I asked him if he thought I was a whore for taking off my top. He said he’d never think of me like that. Then, he asked again what was wrong. He said, “Do you hate me?” I said, “No… I like you too much. He said nothing so I felt I had to explain more. I said that I just couldn’t go all the way without a relationship. He said he completely understood. I just… wish he had said “well, we should work on getting to that point then.” But, nothing. Then, I drove home.

    The next morning, I woke up to a text from him at 8 am. He said “Sorry we got so carried away last night. I didn’t mean to do that, I don’t think clearly when I’m sleepy and I hope you don’t think less of me.” I told him I could never think less of him and that it takes two, and that I appreciated him even reaching out. Also, I told him that I know he’s not ready for anything serious right now, so we should take it easy. I also said that I just could not personally do a friends with benefits situation unless I know the other person is only interested in talking to me. He agreed and said he’s never done the FWB situation either, and that he needs exclusivity that way. Also that he thinks that this sexual tension has just been building up for his for awhile now, and that he was now definitely just needing to chill so he was glad we refrained. He also said he just wanted to treat this with care because he respects me a lot and I deserve a lot. I told him I also respected him and he deserves the best. No problem.

    Well, I figured at this point we were at least…talking? Was I crazy to assume at least that? I gave him space the rest of the day (Monday of this week). Then, on Tuesday, I reached out after he got off work to send him a funny meme in relation to something we had discussed in person on Sunday. I figured at this point we were at least… talking? So I thought it was harmless. He didn’t respond. This was the first time he had not responded to me. And it was a simple meme lol. I told myself not to spiral and that he was probably just super tired and busy from work. The next day happens and I still hear nothing from him until he finally texted me back around 8 pm. I could tell he had suddenly gone very bland and impersonal with me. I was confused but thought that he MAYBE was still just a bit embarrassed from Sunday. But my anxiety took over. I confronted him yet again and asked him if he wanted to hang out again sometime. He said, “I just feel bad for taking things too far.” I asked him if he felt bad for taking things too far because he doesn’t have feelings for me, or if he was just embarrassed about me being possibly upset. He said he wasn’t trying to say either of those things, just that he felt bad that he got carried away like that. I said it was completely fine, and that I went too far too. He said “Yeah I guess so lol.” I said “It’s just that if you don’t have feelings… I’ll leave you alone.” He said it was not the case but that he should not act on any right now and that he doesn’t want to lead anyone on when he’s not trying to start a serious relationship. I said that I just thought he was wanting us to hang out more especially by the way he said I made him emotional, all the flirting, the gestures, that it was just perplexing to not want to even hang out anymore because he said he wanted to get to know me. He then said to this that he never said he wouldn’t hang out again. Then, that he could feel I was getting kinda worked up by this and he didn’t want to cause a problem, then apologized and said he was not trying to be confusing. I told him I only get worked up because he does and says things that clearly indicate romantic interest. He said that he did like me and that he doesn’t just do that stuff with anyone/friends but he didn’t want to rush anything and that last year was just so terrible emotionally for him, and that he just wanted to go with things naturally. But that he also understood if I had too much tension about it. I said, “No, as long as I know you like me and all that stuff meant something to you, I understand and respect your pace, space etc. and I’m sorry for adding drama to your life.” He said he was sorry for putting me into that kind of headspace. I then told him again that I had just been confused and that I understood him needing to protect his peace. He replied and said, “Yeah I really really need some peace.” I said, “I’m sorry, I understand.” But then he goes cold on me and says, “It seems being alone is the only way to have it.” I told him I meant no harm and that we could just hang out and chill from here on out and it could just be that simple, no pressure. He said it doesn’t seem that simple though because of the way I talk about stuff. I asked him what he meant. He said that it’s the way our conversations escalate and get so serious. Then, “Like we’ve only hung out twice, it shouldn’t be this tense lol.” And that he felt bad about it. I told him I just wanted some clarity because he said he was cool with still hanging out… and yet went into that thing about wanting to be left alone, it seemed. I told him I was sorry. That was last night and I have not heard anything back from him since. I don’t think I will now because I am afraid I have proven his point right about relationships/people being drama and the fact that each time we’ve hung out… I’ve had to like touch base and get serious about where he’s at with me. But I only feel like I have to do this because like in the past, we hang out.. it’s mutually a great time, he gushes about how great of a time he’s having, sends me signals that he’s interested and attracted to me, and then he goes cold on me when we depart, and acts like it’s common knowledge that he wants to be left alone. I’m wondering if it’s one of two things:
    A. This guy is actually simply a player who was hoping for a friends with benefits situation and now that he knows I’m not down for that, he’s lost interest. But this wouldn’t explain why the next morning after that night, he swiftly apologized and told me he needed to calm down. Also wouldn’t explain why all these years before, he has went hot and cold on me when sex was not even remotely in the picture. I don’t know though, maybe I’m a fool here.
    B. He actually is genuinely interested in me, but got carried away again and realizes now that “taking things naturally” and “letting nature take its course” doesn’t work with me because he can’t control himself with me and knows I won’t be down for it happening on accident, so he’s respectfully backing away.

    So this was a novel and if anyone has made it to the end, I commend you and wish I could buy you something. My question is this… do I just let this crap go and accept this guy will never give me a chance? He’s always seemed to like me but something is always in the way, it seems. But when we are together it’s insane, like mutually amazing energy between us and he verbalizes it and puts so much effort into us. Maybe I should just drop it and not reach back out to him unless he comes back to me some day? I fear he’ll just get into another relationship and I will have lost him again. Or do I reach back out and say something like, “I feel like this was just a complete miscommunication.” Because I really am just so frustrated that I feel like I may have made him feel like I’m crazy and jumped the gun with needing explanation after both hang outs. But I felt like I needed clarity each time because each time, he gave me the WORST mixed signals. I was just trying to see the expectations and boundaries here. This guy is the most catastrophic loss for me, I’ve wanted this my whole life with him and my attraction to him has only grown with maturity and age. Thank you all for reading.

    #373305
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Belle:

    You shared that you are 29, “crazily crushing over a guy” who you knew since he was in your 1st grade class. The two of you hung out several times in your early 20s, but he was “hot and cold… going silent on me”, you wrote, and the last time you hung out was in 2013.

    Fast forward, in August 2020 you contacted him after finding out that he got out of a 3-year relationship. Christmas 2020, he texted you Merry Christmas, and on January 4, 2021, you saw him in person for the first time in seven years. He treated you to a restaurant out of town, was very attentive, gentlemanly,  made you feel at ease, “so seen and heard”, and it was “the most fun I have had with a man in my entire life.. too perfect to be true”. After dinner, you went to his place, “slightly cuddling on his couch. Nothing funny, no touching really”. At the end of the night, after you got out of his truck, the two of you kissed each other, “not too crazy but not a peck on the lips either”. He then drove away and texted you around 2 am to tell you that he was home.

    Two days after that date, Jan 6, you contacted him and told him that you would “really like him in my life more”, he agreed, you asked him about his intentions in regard to you, and he told you that “he was sorry he got carried away with the kiss… that he was really just hoping to get to know me better, to reconnect and hang out more”. You then asked him if he was “looking to hang out to work towards a relationship or if he just wanted to be a bro’s”, and he said that he likes you but “was emotionally drained and not in the headspace to take on a relationship right now”, and paraphrased by you, he told you that  “a girl he cut ties with was obsessing over him, and he didn’t want me to be a part of the drama”.

    A few days later, he suggested that the two of you will go hiking, or “go walking with him”. Next, he texted you four days in a row, “as if we were dating”. Thursday evening, a week and a day ago, he told you that you “had ocean eyes”, that the song made him think of you. You told him that there were several songs that made you think of him. And then he said: “wouldn’t it be crazy if you and me ended up getting married?”. You told him: “I had a big fat crush on you my entire life!!”, and he said: “I’m getting emotional. You’re the first girl I ever liked in my life!”

    Sunday, five days ago,  you went hiking, he put his arm around you, “flirted like crazy and seemed genuinely stoked to be with me.. stare(d) at me with fondness”. He then bought you dinner and back to his place with a movie to watch. After the movie the two of you “started making out, and it got intense. Too intense.. It escalated.. I could tell he was really wanting to go all the way”. You stopped him because you remembered that he told you that he was not ready for a relationship and because you are “extremely insecure” about your body, he stopped, then you made out again, and eventually, you told him that you “just couldn’t go all the way without a relationship”, and he said that he understood. You drove home.

    The next day, Monday of this week,  you woke up to a text from him, apologizing for getting carried away the previous night. You let him know that it takes two, and that you know “he’s not ready for anything serious right now, so we should take it easy”, and that you “just could not personally do a friends with benefits situation”. Tuesday he did not respond to a meme you sent him. Wednesday he texted you at 8pm, sounding “very bland and impersonal”. You asked him if he wanted to hang out again sometime and he said: “I just feel bad for taking things too far..  got carried away.. doesn’t want to lead anyone on when he’s not trying to start a serious relationship”, “I really really need some peace… It seems being alone is the only way to have it”.

    You told him that the two of you can “hang out and chill from here on and it could just be that simple, no pressure”, and he said “it doesn’t seem that simple though because of the way I talk about stuff.. the way our conversations escalate and get so serious… we’ve only hung out twice, it shouldn’t be this tense lol”

    The day after is today, Friday, Jan  22, and you are afraid that he will not contact you, that you “have proven his point right about relationships/ people being drama”, and you are confused or upset about him sending you mixed signals: that he is interested and attracted to you, “and then he goes cold on me when we depart”.

    You are wondering why years before, in your early 20s, before any kind of sex entered the picture, he went hot and cold on you;  why he went cold on you this time; wondering if he “is actually simply a player who was hoping for a friend with benefits situation”, and whether he “actually is genuinely interested in me, but got carried away again” and realized that he can’t control himself, and therefore, he figured that he needs to back away. You are wondering whether you should “just drop it and not reach back out to him”, or that you reach out to him and say that it was “a complete miscommunication”, etc.

    My comments:

    1. Your sentence before last is: “This guy is the most catastrophic loss for me, I’ve wanted this my whole life with him”- what I see in this sentence (and in other expressions earlier in your post), is an exaggeration, a dramatization of reality. I don’t think that you wanted a relationship with him your whole life, ever since first grade, or even ever since tenth grade. I imagine that you thought about him from time to time over the years, but not all the time and ever since. There were other love interests in our life, you were otherwise occupied.

    You used the word catastrophic– that’s a heavy word, as in involving great damage and suffering/ being extremely unfortunate: I don’t see the extreme misfortune here, or the great damage. I imagine that you had other losses in your life that were greater, childhood misfortunes, breakups… ?

    2. “when we are together it’s insane, like mutually amazing energy”- however exciting it was for him, his emotional/ physical experience with you was not the same as yours. When a woman feels intensely about a man, and he seems to feel the same, it is easy to assume that he feels just the same. But if he felt the same as you felt, he would have been in a relationship with you at this time.

    3. It looks to me that he was never really interested in a relationship with you. What happened recently was as close as he got to approaching you for a relationship but he never made it there. He told you from the beginning of the recent events that he was not interested in a relationship and he never expressed a change of mind.

    I don’t think that he necessarily planned to have a FWB arrangement with you, but that he would have been okay with such an arrangement if you were okay with it too. If he never had a FWB arrangement before, what happened with you might have been his clumsy, inexperienced effort to make such arrangement happen.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #373307
    BELLE TIGAS
    Participant

    Hi belle. Anita already made a valid point. Reading the story reminds me of what happened to me before Being in your place where I wanted to have serious relationship and the other person is not into serious relationship but I continued to hang out with her despite knowing she don’t want a relationship. There’s a part of me that wanted to stay maybe if I did everything she will also fall in love with me. I did everything. Texting her, giving her flowers and every sweet gesture.  I got confused also just like you because every time I asked her to hang out she will say yes. She also invited me to her place. We also kissed. I thought she will also give me a chance But nah, she still don’t see me. She ended up having a boyfriend and she didn’t even tell me. My friends just told me about that. It really crushed my heart. I cannot even told her that she hurt me so much cause she was so clear that she don’t want a serious relationship with me. That was the lesson I learned the hard way. So my advice to you is this. Don’t be like me. haha Someday, someone will see you how precious you are and will want to be in a relationship with you. Someone who will not confuse you and will be clear about his feelings because he don’t want to lose you. Maybe he likes you too but not enough love to be serious with you. Guard your heart belle because all of us deserve someone who will love us the way we love them.

     

    Ps. This is my first time here. I have joined here because I wanted to comment in your story! HAHA

    #373425
    a
    Participant

    hello belle,

    delete his phone number from your phone IMMEDIATELY.

    buy a copy of the book “he’s just not that into you”, read it and stop initiating contact with him.

    belle, there is nothing for you to be confused about.  he is not interested in you and probably never has been.  it is amazing the fantasies we can dream up.  they feel so real we somehow waste hours, years, and in my case, decades obsessing about someone who probably never cared for us that way in the first place.  it feels like love, and if we can only get him to sign up for our dream we can finally live get married, have children, etc.

    in reality it becomes a habit, but it seems like true love.  in our case instead of tying a bow around the memory and filing it where it belongs in our brain and getting on with our real lives, it seems so real that we almost think it could happen.  which is  really unfortunate because we don’t realize that we are to some degree putting our lives on hold.   when you are my age, you will see this as stupid on steroids.

    so now, you are trying so hard to fit this guy into your imaginary ever after that  you don’t see that there is nothing to be confused about.  you just aren’t paying any attention to what this guy is saying and doing.

    the way you describe the kisses and making out makes sense if you are teenagers but not at all if you are both adults.  because an adult man does not kiss–stop–kiss stop if he has any interest in the woman.  if he has any interest he will not go silent and back pedal all the way to cleveland, he will already be where he wants to be.

    i’m sorry belle.  the good news is you really wonder why you  squandered even a minute on a guy who probably would never live up to your fantasies anyway.  if you pull out now, there might be a chance that you will see him on a street some day and laugh about the play you tried so hard to cast him in.  no matter what, he sounds like a decent guy who is trying to be nice and isn’t giving you a bone so much as you are trying to extricate one from him.

    stop now please.  the longer you insist on him playing out a script he neither wants or needs, the more humiliated you will feel when you force him to voice how much he needs this to stop.

    please forgive, it is my intent to get you out of this now.  i am sorry but i don’t understand why you all don’t just date in the first place, i don’t understand why anybody would hang out because it really doesn’t fit with what either men or women really want.

    good luck and god bless.  you  will be allright, really.

     

    #373471
    Belle
    Participant

    Hi, Anita.

    First of all, thank you for reading all of that. And thank you for your thoughts. I guess you are right that if the feeling truly was mutual for him, he’d at the very least be trying to reach back out. I just worry that I may have scared him off with my intensity, because after every hang out, I kind of interrogated him and tried to pick apart what we were and maybe he felt cornered? He expressed he was not ready for a relationship, but yet wanted to hang out more… and it’s hard to hang out but NOT be “talking” at least with us, I think. I mean, the days leading up to our second hang out, he texted me EVERY evening like clockwork to tell me he had gotten home from work, so I assumed we were “talking” at this point. I feel like I could maybe continue hanging out with him now knowing that there is no “talking” being done, and we are purely just getting to know each other. But yet again as I said before, he has a really hard time JUST keeping it platonic and not like a romantic interest. Otherwise, I wouldn’t even need to touch base with him after we hang out and make a big deal of it out of confusion.

    So do you think it’s futile for me to offer to hang out sometime again, and voice to him that it would be just a friendship thing? I worry that him not reaching back out is either A: I scared him off because he was trying to take things slow with me (but he failed at that too). Or B: He really just wanted to hang out to hook up and now that hooking up is off the table, he’s not interested in hanging out anymore.

    I think I could let go a lot easier and accept defeat if I knew there was nothing I did to sabotage this from even starting. I worry I just went too hard and he was immediately fatigued by the questioning.

    #373472
    Belle
    Participant

    Hi, fellow Belle!

    Thank you for reading my story and reaching out! I am very sorry for what you went through with that girl. It sounds VERY similar to my situation, and I find it so crazy how people can just agree to do stuff and enjoy it, and then not want anything from it. I am a very sensitive and serious person, so I just cannot fathom sleeping with someone or kissing them and agreeing to hang out without the intention or hope of it becoming something more. I probably should just take the loss.

    #373494
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Belle:

    “I just worry that I may have scared him off.. I kind of interrogated him and tried to pick apart what we were and maybe he felt cornered?”- people who are interrogated do feel cornered, yes. It is not a good idea for you to interrogate anyone unless you are a detective and it’s your job.

    * It does not mean though, that if you didn’t interrogate him, he would have wanted a relationship with you.

    “do you think it’s futile for me to offer to hang out sometime again, and voice to him that it would be just a friendship thing?”- yes, I think it’s futile because you already made it very clear to him that you are interested in a relationship, so suggesting otherwise in not believable.

    “I think I could let go a lot easier and accept defeat if I knew there was nothing I did to sabotage this from even starting. I worry I just went too hard and he was immediately fatigued by the questioning”-You did something that would sabotage a potentially good relationship: people are scared and distressed about being interrogated, escaping the interrogator,  and you interrogated a man you wanted to be drawn to you. If you push this knowledge aside and make believe that you did nothing wrong, then you will interrogate the next man and the next.

    It feels badly to know you did something wrong/ something that got you the opposite of what you wanted, but it’s a price to pay if you want to make better, wiser choices in the future.

    anita

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