- This topic has 15 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 9 months, 3 weeks ago by Anonymous.
November 22, 2022 at 3:38 am #410513AnonymousInactive
This is my first ever post anywhere but I have seen how this community on Tiny Buddha really has a very beautiful way of assisting those who are struggling and decided that maybe just getting this out of my mind and into a collective of gentle souls would assist me.
I am a mother and a partner to a man of incredible patience and love. we have been together for 11 years and obviously, like most relationships, it hasn’t been easy but we are both dedicated to growth and connecting to our spiritual side. I have always felt that sometimes our compatibility level has made the relationship difficult as we are very much different on the emotional level. Where he is easygoing and has a stable base level, I have pretty intense and deep emotions. Moon in Scorpio over here if that helps lol.
In 2019 I went shopping as I normally do. my child has been in this world with us for about just over a year and I would normally go shopping on my own as a means to have some alone time. This shop is basically the only one in close proximity to us where we get all that we need. Anyway, one day I went for shopping and I saw a man working there. And I immediately felt a form of recognition. Which is something I have never experienced. I didn’t give too much though and when I left that shop i was just a tad in awe and felt that i finally understood what people meant when they say ” you have soul recognition”. I went for my shopping every week or so and always felt excited just to see him but indifferent if I didn’t. I didn’t think there was any harm as i never intended to talk to him. It was never an obsession. It was like this till 2021 when myself and my partner were going through a very difficult time and were contemplating breaking up. We decided to use the law of attraction and get out of our current environment to try and save our relationship. I was feeling all high from positive affirmation and meditation and that day while feeling all high on life, I needed to go buy things. Before going in I told myself consciously to really not even notice that person and just go on with my things and focus on saving my relationship. And that day of all days he decided to approach me. And i seriously freaked out and left, He didn’t even get to say one word cause I acted if i didn’t see him and just pretty much walked/semi-run out of there. I told my partner that night about it and also told him that i feel a pull toward that dude. I did a prayer and meditation for that guy, cause i knew i hurt that person by just flat-out ignoring him. then my dreams started. I had a dream 2 days afterwards about him in my dream telling me his name, also in my dream he manifested the one thing i was busy manifesting in the current reality.I woke up feeling a tad shocked and confused about this dream and when i went to give the animals food, I found a dead blind snake in a knot. which also makes the infinity symbol. Now this snake in a Knot and snake infinity sign followed me around even my partner mentioned it. I had more dreams that followed about him being my twin and how we had very much the same type of parent dynamics but the roles of our parents were reversed. I had premonition dreams about him and also I know exactly when i will see him because I really feel it. Now I just want to say i have heard about twin flames and thought the whole concept is toxic. But after these things happened that’s all I could label this because i didn’t know what was happening. I felt insane, I felt love, I felt grief regret ashamed. and i felt like the most horrible partner and person. My partner does know about the dreams and feelings as I became obsessed with a person i don’t even know. It is the most difficult experience. My partner went through this with me. I went for past life regression to find out wtf all of this was. that person couldn’t get me hypnotized (No one has ever been able to even tho i really wanted him and felt i did allow him) But he did tell me it’s a thought form. and basically that this is all in my head and that it leeched into my dreams too. Which caused me to have a massive breakdown and not be able to trust myself or my dreams. I came across limerance and that also made sense cause it mostly happens to women with kids in a long-term relationship. I’m just at a stage where i don’t know how to trust myself my dreams or my subconscious. I feel lost and pain and still think about that person but am conscious of my thoughts. a part of me feels crushed. There is much more that happened but this post is getting too long. I just want to know how to get back to myself and my life after this. any advice or similar experience would truly assist. My whole world feels to have crumbled. Where i also feel my partner deserves someone who has the same amount of love for him as he does for me. Sorry if this is long or kinda esotetic in nature for some. I feel that i am aware that i might just be crazy proves I’m not 🙂 I never spoke to the other person as it has never worked out to do so. my anxiety around him is just to insane.
Thanks to anyone reading this and responding.
DNovember 22, 2022 at 10:12 am #410530AnonymousGuest
Welcome to Tiny Buddha! To understand better, it helps me to retell a member’s story, with quotes, so this is what I’ll do here: you shared that you have “pretty intense and deep emotions“, been together with your partner and father of your children (“a man of incredible patience and love… easy going and has a stable base level“) for 11 years.
You went shopping in 2019, saw a man working there and “immediately felt a form of recognition… soul recognition“. Whenever you went shopping you “always felt excited just to see him“, but indifferent if you didn’t see him. One day in 2021- while you and your partner went through “a very difficult time and were contemplating breaking up“, and while practicing the Law of Positive Attraction so to save your relationship- “all high from positive affirmation and meditation“, you went shopping. For the first time, the man working there tried to approach you, and you quickly “freaked out and left” the store. A couple of days later, you dreamed about him and after waking up from the dream, you came across “a dead blind snake in a knot“, which looked like the infinity symbol.
More dreams followed where this man was your twin who had “the same type of parent dynamics” as yours. You “became obsessed” with this man, a man you “don’t even know” and “never spoke to“. You tried to get hypnotized so to regress to past lives, but the person who tried and failed to hypnotized you told you that “it’s a thought form, and basically that this is all in my head ”
You wrote: “I felt insane, I felt love, I felt grief regret ashamed. and I felt like the most horrible partner and person… I feel lost and pain… a part of me feels crushed… My whole world feels to have crumbled. Where I also feel my partner deserves someone who has the same amount of love for him as he does for me“, and asked: “I just want to know how to get back to myself and my life after this. any advice or similar experience would truly assist“-
– This is what I think this is most likely about (the boldfaced are your words): a woman with high moral values (fidelity, faithfulness) who also has pretty intense and deep emotions got bored with the same easy going, stable base level partner of 11 years, and for some time before 2019, needed a way Out of the bland emotional experience (no positive excitement) of the marriage. This image of the man in the store provided that Out, but not without an emotional price of grief, shame and guilt.
Before I try to answer your question, I need to ask you: do you think that I may be understanding your story correctly?
anitaNovember 22, 2022 at 10:41 am #410532AnonymousInactive
Thanks for your message. I agree that you are.. Worrisome what repressed boredom can create. Looking forward to your input.November 22, 2022 at 10:46 am #410533AnonymousGuest
I just figured that I need to ask you another before I can answer: the difficulties in your marriage, what are the causes of these difficulties (I doubt it is nothing but boredom, although it is possible)? Also, if there is anything relevant that you should add to the story, please do.
anitaNovember 22, 2022 at 11:44 am #410538AnonymousInactive
I will respond to you soon. It’s night time here and will add more information tomorrow morning my time (about 10pm this side currently)
Thanks again.🌻 you have already help me reflect more on thingsNovember 22, 2022 at 11:50 am #410539AnonymousGuest
You are welcome, D. You are 10 hours ahead of me; have a good night, will talk tomorrow!
anitaNovember 23, 2022 at 10:07 am #410592AnonymousGuest
I wanted to reply without additional information. You wrote yesterday: “Worrisome what repressed boredom can create. Looking forward to your input“- you referred to boredom in the context of your 11-year-long relationship.
In your original post, you wrote: “I am a mother and a partner to a man of incredible patience and love. we have been together for 11 years and obviously, like most relationships, it hasn’t been easy… Where he is easygoing and has a stable base level, I have pretty intense and deep emotions…I also feel my partner deserves someone who has the same amount of love for him as he does for me”-
–what is love? I think of it (in the context of romantic love) as 2 people being incredibly patient and easy going with each other, focusing on creating and maintaining a trustworthy, stable relationship. But I am older than you and far removed from fairytales and raging hormones: I am okay with being content, I don’t want an exciting roller coaster ride.
But I understand, and I remember the Promise Of Youth (POY, I’ll call it): that happiness-ever-after promise at the end of fairy tale books. Similar to the biblical promise of the return to Paradise Earth aka heaven where there is no pain, no boredom, nothing but… happiness ever after. I am visualizing a child running in an open field of green grass, under the warm, pleasant sun and clear, blue skies… running because there is a promise at the end of the run: how intoxicating it feels to run toward it. Do you relate?
That intoxication has biological objectives in humans and in other animals: to motivate us to hunt and gather food and mate so to survive as individuals and as species. This intoxication is not meant to be permanent or a forever-state of mind and body. But because humans, unlike other animals, can imagine a forever, we also imagine a forever-after happiness and excitement.
Maybe your partner is okay with life being content (?) Maybe, for him, love is different than what it means to you.
anitaNovember 23, 2022 at 1:28 pm #410603AnonymousInactive
Sorry for my late reply, it has been a very busy day this side and a day of reflection. I would agree for my partner being content is ok. We are from very different backgrounds. I was thinking today about bordem and went into some research. When it comes to my views on romance, I actually never liked romantic movies because for me it just don’t exist(even tho a part of me is inlove with that idea)Relationships are work and servers as a mirror, growth and support. Hence those dreams and feelings that came after that dude was so intense. And not that I thought it would be like a romantic novel lol but more the missing pieces of my own struggles would be mirrored by him. So maybe I craved a different reflection of sorts, a different experiences. My current relationship started when I was 18 and my partner is 8 years older than me, but I didn’t have a “normal” young teen experience and was already working and at bars by 16😄. But our relationship had substances issues nothing hard-core but a big part of our fun times was on weed and alchole. And when I became pregnant that all changed and I quite everything. And that was the first time I actually dealt with my emotions in a very long time. My son is a teacher in so many way for me.. But when I became sober, I wasn’t the same person anymore. I realized my toxic habit of people pleasing and how I have over write who I was to fit the mold for others and my partner. The relationship had a codependent nature to it. But we have become aware of it and have been working on it for sometime now. Things I guess I would say was issues and still does play a role is that his family never really liked me because of my lack of conformity and being into things which they would see as “bad”(esoteric beliefs, they are religious). They tolerate me but i keep a big part of who i am hidden.His friends also had issues with me. So felt i always needed to stand my ground and that I just wasn’t good enought even tho I really tried to fit in. Me not fitting in wasnt because of a lack of empathy but just being different. But realized how this relationship and everything that came with it was me recreating my childhood where I felt misunderstood. I mean esoteric alternative woman living in a small religious town is like just a bad match lol. My partner loves me for me and has mentioned this is the deepest relationship he has had with anyone. But because of me being who I am, it has caused him to abandon his friends to be with me. And I feel that holds him back and that holds me back. I’m a one on one type of person, he does better in groups but again because of the lack of compatibility even tho there is love and commitment it still has caused issues. I hope this gives you more insight 🙏 and thanks again for your time and energy. It already has helped me go deeper. Sorry if there is any spell mistakes. I’m on my phone and it’s soo late. Have a good day.
DNovember 23, 2022 at 7:35 pm #410628AnonymousGuest
Dear D: I will read and reply in the morning (in about 12 hours from now).
anitaNovember 24, 2022 at 2:29 pm #410673AnonymousGuest
And I am sorry for my late reply (it is no longer morning here, but afternoon!)
“I actually never liked romantic movies because for me it just don’t exist (even tho a part of me is in love with that idea)“- do not underestimate the part that is in love with… falling in love.
“Relationships are work and serve as a mirror, growth and support“- but sometimes we want it (feeling very good within a relationship) to be easy and quick, don’t we?
“So maybe I craved a different reflection of sorts, a different experiences“- many people get bored with the same-old, same-old, even if it’s a good same-old.. and want something else, simply for hoping it will be different.
“a big part of our fun times was on weed and alcohol. And when I became pregnant that all changed and I quit everything. And that was the first time I actually dealt with my emotions in a very long time… I realized my toxic habit of people pleasing“- developing healthier habits can be that exciting something different.
“My partner loves me for me and has mentioned this is the deepest relationship he has had with anyone. But because of me being who I am, it has caused him to abandon his friends to be with me“- you being who you are made it possible for him to have the deepest relationship he has ever had with anyone: this is precious!!!
anitaNovember 30, 2022 at 8:13 am #411001AnonymousGuest
How are you, D?
anitaDecember 2, 2022 at 2:26 am #411086AnonymousInactive
Sorry for only responding now.
Been hermiting. And reflecting on my current union and how bordem played a role in creating limerence. And why being in a stable relationship where your partner is really soild and a good soul, would i crave chaos instead of stability. So i am just focusing on gratitude and really sitting with myself and accepting things for what they are, and how to make the best of it. I know if choas was your upbringing then stability would seem boring. This whole thing was just very much subconsciously driven and consciously confusing.
Thank you for your assistance. I remember being much younger when I first came on tiny buddha and saw how you where always giving solid advice and assistance. And thought to myself one-day you would probably assist me too. So thank youDecember 2, 2022 at 9:15 am #411107AnonymousGuest
No need to apologize for not posting earlier: any time you post is fine with me. You are welcome, and thank you for your appreciation and kind words, a pleasure to read!
“reflecting on my current union and how boredom played a role in creating limerence. And why being in a stable relationship where your partner is really solid and a good soul, would I crave chaos instead of stability“- when coming out of a chaotic childhood/ teenage years, one where we felt repressed, depressed and bored, feeling that all the happiness and excitement that life is supposed to be happened to other people, but not to us… what we crave as adults (I am talking from personal experience, generalizing) is the excitement that passed us by. I don’t think that we crave chaos; I think that we crave excitement!
“I know if chaos was your upbringing, then stability would seem boring. This whole thing was just very much subconsciously driven and consciously confusing“- if chaos was your upbringing, and you were repressed and depressed, then … something in you wants to AWAKEN and be excited about life!
“I am just focusing on gratitude and really sitting with myself and accepting things for what they are, and how to make the best of it“- gratitude is good, sitting with yourself is good and so is accepting things for what they are and making the best of it. But that something repressed-depressed-bored within you needs to express herself… How?
anitaDecember 6, 2022 at 5:11 pm #411434AnonymousGuest
It’s been so interesting to talk with you, D. I hope to read from you again, if you feel like it, whenever you do.
anitaDecember 8, 2022 at 6:19 am #411497AnonymousInactive
Hope all has been well on your side. And thank you again for your advice, and guidance, and for asking the right questions.
Wanted to respond two days ago, but life got busy. I have been feeling much lighter and found more clarity in this whole situation and agree, something in me wanted to become Awake. It was never about the person. I failed to mention that I was a vanishing twin. So what I craved was a very deep connection to someone, I guess resembling what has been lost in utero. hence the dreams of twins and so on. At the end of the day, I feel these things happened because of a deep wound that has been repressed for such a long time. I knew I was a vanishing twin but never really dived deep into the psychological and Spiritual effects of it. I miss interpreted the dreams and feelings though! But life has become peaceful and i have decided to temporarily disconnect from the world and the people surrounding it(not my partner or kid). All the things which I felt that person represented are things I should provide for myself, So feel i got to learn such a different part of myself. I am thankful for that person and what he (my perception of him) awakened in me and thankful for you and the tiny buddha platform… today 8/12/22 is the last full moon of the year in Gemini, which is the twins, Symbolic for me. Thanks again Anita and hoping you have a blessed season.