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Living off the grid

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  • October 7, 2016 at 5:20 am #117413
    ketzer
    Participant

    I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately to try to understand how and why I have been feeling the way I have. I will occasionally use a writing technique in which I play both the therapist and the patient. One of the questions I asked myself is what I wanted out of life. Although many different things came back to me, the answer that ended up at the top of the pile is that I wanted to feel some peace of mind and contentment. So continuing on I asked myself what that looks like, to paint a picture of me being contented. I ended up in a small, sound, and secure cabin. There was a fire in the fireplace and a couple feet of snow outside. I was relaxing reading or perhaps writing a book. The cabin was off the grid and self-sufficient. But just as I was finishing painting my bucolic scene, I somewhat surprisingly spit out the sentence, “I want to feel like I don’t need to be anybody but who I am in that moment.”

    With that last sentence, I realized my off the grid cabin, one I have conjured up in my mind many time over the years, is a metaphor for an off the grid me. We humans all live on a sort of mental grid, composed of what we sometimes call “society”. A society that invites us to continually compare ourselves to the norm, to the standard, to each other, and ask ourselves how we measure up. Many of us suffer from low self-esteem. We live with an ego picture of self that has been battered and bruised over the years, one that paints a picture of self that says “you are lacking” and “you need to change to become better” or “society might reject you”. In short, it generates shame. The lower our picture of “self” is, the more shame gets generated, and the more stressful this societal grid can be. So it is no wonder I create a vision of peace in which there is no society around to judge me. Although the cabin is “off the grid”, what I am really craving is a little time where “I” can feel “off the grid”, and at peace with who “I” believe “I” am in the present moment. I am seeking a respite from shame.

    What about you? Do you feel like, at least to some extent, you are living on the societal grid? Drawing in approval and disapproval, real or perceived, and using it to judge and mold who think you are and who you think you should be. Do you give back to the grid, judging others and society, helping to shape who they and it are and should be?

    October 7, 2016 at 7:44 am #117416
    Learning
    Participant

    Dear ketzer,
    After reading your post I recognize there is a part of me that feels the same, needing that validation and approval to feel better about my choices. That my choices make me feel like I’m normal and I fit in so I won’t be judged. one particular relationship I have that connected with your sorry is the one i have with my Motherinlaw. I don’t have a close relationship with my mom so I felt my motherinlaw was a way to replace that void I felt. Except I grew up very different from her so she judged me harshly on my decisions and it cut like swords. She would tell she know who i am better than i know myself, and she said she Is really good at reading people. So me being young and now learning about myself and about the person I was becoming I felt threatened by her words. Everything she had to say to me was negative and i started feeling like I’m no good, that I didn’t have any good qualities. And the fact that I didn’t have a relationship with my mother the person that’s suppose to know me best made me feel even more like a failure. So I took it upon myself to challenge my thinking. I started practicing being more mindful. I started accepting myself for being different and stopped thinking I needed to be normal to fit it. I accepted the choices I made even if they were mistakes. And I started loving myself (this was the hardest part). My thinking started to improve and I started to feel better about who I am. The validation I felt I needed to be accepted decreased. I accept me and I love me and i refuse let anyone take that away. It’s hard work and I work at it everyday. Some people can be judgemental and it hurts the most when it comes from people we hold near and dear. But I learned once I know who I am, my good qualities and bad then those peoples judgements don’t matter.

    October 7, 2016 at 8:33 am #117419
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ketzer:

    What a delightful post. I like the metaphoric use of Living-off-the-grid. Maybe one day you will be sitting in your cabin, physically living off the grid, writing a book titled Living Off the Grid.

    I think people-pleasing, trying to be liked by people is a big draw to living on the grid and I need to be careful because I do have this motivation when interacting with people in-person. I don’t want to do that: to say things so to be approved by another. I think it is an automatic behavior, meant to keep the members of herd animals in line with the herd.

    Living off the grid would be really, separating from the herd. I hope you post more here, I’d like to read more of your thoughts on this topic (as well as other people’s thoughts).

    anita

    October 7, 2016 at 9:30 am #117425
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I read your post several hours ago, and didn’t find anything else to add to what you have written.

    Then I heard this song that randomly came to me on the internet, from a performer I like and used to listen a lot, and thought about your post.
    While listening to the song, I thought, if I see beyond the subjectivity of my own life, history, life battles and point of view, I see so many people wanting the same thing as I: just for once stop identifying myself with my stories and how I got where I am now, stop being judged (and judging myself) for the mistakes I’ve made on this human plane. Ok they are solvable, nothing is so fatally wrong beyond repair in our lives, except death.
    It was 3 years ago when I listened to this musician, and back then I felt life was really hard on me, I was surrounded by enemies thinking and talking bad things about me, mostly untrue, but true from their level of understanding, judging me, trying to push me from the edge of the abyss, and without the firm ground of supporting family under my feet. I felt like I was climbing this mountain during a storm, alone, not knowing where I would end up and if anything or anyone was waiting for me on the other side of the storm. Never stopping the ongoing process of remorse and trying to find the true line for every single situation in my life, of where I was wrong or where the other wronged me. And in real life, I don’t like mountains much. And at the same time, this was the best year of my life. The only way to survive my everyday ongoing hell, was to have and outside “spiritual” identity. I identified with everything that was opposite to my hostile surroundings, and also with what I aspired. I had this secret life where I was not “the sister of” or “the daughter of” or “the employee at” or “the girl from that city”, I was no one and yet my truest self.
    So many people want to get out of this vicious circle of Karma, identify with something beyond what actions they have done in the past which resulted in their present lives, I mean, are we really that? The result of our past actions, good or bad? Are we also our new selves for fixing our past mistakes or our personal biases?
    I am hypnotized by this sound right now:
    https://youtu.be/l1SZjOS0_PQ Hammock – Like A Viley With No Echo

    October 7, 2016 at 6:06 pm #117465
    ketzer
    Participant

    Anita: The herd metaphor is… well, not just a metaphor. It makes sense that as a social animal, evolutionarily dependent more on our societies then our own physical selves for survival, the need for a safe and secure place in society would be hard wired into us. So the tendency to look inward and judge our selves against what we see when we look outward is very natural. That is what makes emotional abuse so damaging. Once someone is convinced of their own defectiveness, the survival instinct to measure up to the herd becomes a insurmountable task. Even though I now realize my dream of my cabin off the grid is driven by an underlying urge to escape the society that I feel the need to measure up to, I do still hope to have it someday. If I do, perhaps I will try to write such a book. That said, I don’t think I could spend all of my time there. It seems we humans are caught in a catch 22. We crave companionship, friendship, love, and connectedness, but that same craving makes us judge ourselves (as well as those around us) as worthy and unworthy (to one degree or another). We all want unconditional love, yet most love (as well as like) comes with conditions. To some extent I suppose it is those conditions, rules that we all are expected to obey, that define and make possible the same societies we are genetically programed to want to be a part of.


    @cherryblossom
    Secret identities can be a wonderful thing, especially on forums such as this one. I find mine allow me to discuss topics and air thoughts that the people I deal with on a daily basis would probably find rather strange. In our everyday lives we often have to conform to that herd standard of behavior for the sake of earning our daily bread.
    I know what you are talking about when you say you were surrounded by enemies. A few years back I took a transfer into what I thought would be a dream job and it turned out to be a nightmare job. The knives started flying toward my back from every direction from the first day on the job. The rules of behavior and standards of that society were very different than the professional environments I had previously worked in. It is disturbing how standards of behavior that can seem abhorrent in one society can so easily become the norm in another. I have never worked in such a toxic and dysfunctional environment and hope I never have to again. I am finally out of that situation, but I am only now starting to realize how much it affected and changed me while I was in it. I suppose that is why I have lately been craving my off the grid cabin a little more then usual. I could really use an off the societal grid rest about now.

    October 7, 2016 at 7:17 pm #117507
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear ketzer:

    I have a question for you, since you are a thinker and a writer and you brought up an excellent topic:

    what herd-guidelines/ principles is it sensible to adhere to and what are foolish to accommodate?

    anita

    October 8, 2016 at 12:51 am #117526
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Definitely. It’s modern man’s dream. To be economically independent involves freedom from the social grid too, and not only, it means shaping your own world. I have also been exploring such options and read motivational books on the matter. I hope that my research also leads to definitive actions on my part as well… Working on my mindset.

    The social grid as you defined it, unfortunately has the bad habit of using every part of our lives to judge us, and if your reputation could be easily attributed to the ego, unfortunately it also affects your judgement as employee, whether you will get a job or not, and in the end, it shapes your material existence. It’s all part of the “grid”. As I only have lived 5 years after student life, I don’t know if in earlier times your professional performance has been evaluated more objectively. Or how your success at family life or personal choices affected your socialization.

    I am dreaming of another level of freedom.

    October 8, 2016 at 3:35 am #117533
    Lacy
    Participant

    Hmm mhm, I think…

    It is possible to become mentally off the grid yet still live in it.

    I think what attaches us into it 100% is fear. A fear of rejection and denial. Also, desire and dreams. Everything that we have learned to know as “motivation”. As we are those modern humans who are programmed by society to strive for our desires and avoid anything that seems unattractive – we join this flow of desperation the grid itself is.

    So, what I’m thinking – once you manage to detach yourself from worrying about fitting in, once you stop struggling running after desires and start accepting all the good and bad coming at you equally – you are off the grid.

    And once you can observe society, the people in it, say, from under it – you’ll realize what the grid actually is. The web, the whole consistency of it is the very same fear people feel – about fitting in, about being good and deserving enough, about getting all the good stuff and avoiding all the bad stuff.

    I think the grid isn’t neither good or bad – but once you go take a look at it from the outside – you understand it so well that you can either decide to not take a part of it (and be a an isolated person) – or you can go back right into it and operate in it with the new knowledge you have attained – you sort of have gained a metaphorical upper hand, as you know that most people whom you deal with on a daily basis – the same ones that you feared that are judging you – they are completely clueless and base their judgement on their own insecurities. Be aware that some of them even claim to love you, yet they do it out of their own insecurities.

    You can be yourself, not motivated by fear, and you will be good enough – and you have nothing to worry about.
    And us not worrying about not being good enough will NOT kill our motivation to be good at anything – it will help us become truly accepting of what we do, and being open about what we do, not insecure – will help us become as good as it gets.
    Fear is the worse motivator, yet it seems to fuel the whole world 🙂

    You’ll make the world a better a place by not feeding on that fuel. And you’ll be happier.

    My body is my cottage. When I sit on my own and ain’t travelling around in the past or in the future – I am home, I am alone, and I love it 🙂

    Not sure if any of it makes sense anymore. I get excited and confused at the same time.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Lacy.
    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Lacy.
    October 8, 2016 at 5:36 am #117540
    ketzer
    Participant

    @anita

    Well, I would not call myself a writer, but I am a thinker. I tend to over think way too much and not write nearly often enough. Although this new self-psychotherapy journaling technique may change that a bit. Anyway, I have not yet perfected my burning bush impersonation so I can’t yet give you my own ten commandments. The original ten are actually pretty good if you take them out of their religious trappings and read them with a bit of metaphor in key spots and remember there are exceptions to every rule.


    @lacy
    Fear is indeed what is behind it. Once there might have been a fear of getting eaten by the lions if I am cast from the tribe. Now perhaps there is a fear of getting eaten by the streets if I end up homeless. Thank god for the artists who are willing to stand up to this fear and pursue their art despite the difficulties and uncertainties involved. They are the ones who look beyond the grid to show us the humanity holding it up.

    One can detach from the grid of the pressure to conform for brief periods of time, but to do more requires a greater degree emotional and spiritual independence, not to mention a whole lot of courage. On the other hand, for some, life just doesn’t seem to work no matter what they try, and they wander beyond the grid looking for something that “will work” for them. When one is safe in the herd, one tends to stick with it no matter where it is going. Perhaps that is why it is said that it can be so difficult for a “rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven”, while it is the “meek” who will “inherit the earth”.

    October 8, 2016 at 1:39 pm #117559
    Lacy
    Participant

    I think when you are aware enough to let go of the fear itself, there will be nothing stopping you from remaining with the herd and operating in it. You will be living the same life, most probably, but you will feel more in control and less anxious.

    October 9, 2016 at 5:36 am #117586
    ketzer
    Participant

    I think when you are aware enough to let go of the fear itself, there will be nothing stopping you from remaining with the herd and operating in it. You will be living the same life, most probably, but you will feel more in control and less anxious.

    Sort of like when some talk about being “in the world, but not of the world”. This is a state of mind I have and continue to strive for, yet not without some reservations. I would like to feel more in control and less anxious, but I don’t think I would be living the same life. Life itself is ultimately a “state of mind”, and fear and anxiety, like wonder, joy, love, hate, and all emotions are a part of the state of mind. They provide a sort of sound track to the life story, coloring the state of mind in lighter and darker shades. The more intensely we feel and experience these emotions, the more we read the book of life from a first person point of view. The more we distance ourselves from them, the more we read the book of life from a third person point of view. Personally, I could use a little distance, at least for a while, from the intensity of the first person point of view. A little more time watching the race from the stands rather then driving one of the race cars. Both points of view experience the race, just in different ways.

    October 9, 2016 at 11:28 am #117625
    Lacy
    Participant

    By “living the same life” I mean that the norms and rules of the society will still apply to us. Of course, operating without fear and worry will enable us to make different decisions from those who operate with them.

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