Recently, I have started noticing a pattern in my behaviour and emotional proclivities. I have a need/ desire to be recognized in different capacities (intellectually, physically ect) by others surrounding my immediate environment. I understand that this drive is manifested in humans in millions of shapes, most prominently in societies which significantly adore social status (western societies for e.g.). However, for those of us for whom this drive is exceptionally powerful, everything we do – including the things we say, the pictures we upload, the clothes we wear, the views we hold – are dedicated to the ‘eyes of others,’ and our psychological well-being waxes and wanes according to their reviews. I constantly find myself in positions where I engage and indulge in activities which allow me to gather attention. Whether physical (buying new clothes every week) or emotional (drinking to gather attention). These behaviors are really troublesome and does not align with my internal belief system and values, hence I experience a lot of anxiety, guilt and cognitive dissonance ( a form of conflict resulting when your behaviour is incompatible with your moral belief system).

Personally, I am constantly battling between behaving a certain way (nature) vs wanting to behave the ” right way/moral way”. This has gotten to a point where I am depending on others to tell me what is right and wrong. I live under this constant fear of judgment from friends, families, relatives ect. Even though some of this perceived judgment is real, however a majority of it is my self perception or my own judgment of myself through the eyes of others.

Another thing that arises from all these convoluted feelings, is my inability to be alone and at peace with myself. I need to be constantly surrounded by people. I seek comfort and affection in clothes, people, food. I just don’t know how to be happy alone or be with myself and not have an urge to get noticed (at most times if not all). My self esteem also fluctuates when I view myself from others perspective. How do you find comfort in yourself ? How do you deal with your desire to be recognized and appreciated ? What are some ways that I can resort to healthier coping mechanism and give myself the attention rather than seeking them externally ?